Catastrophic Dating Failures

[Tom_Aurum]

So anyways...saw the evil overlord list again. Was inspired and figured I'd make a list for the general good of the forum goers a list of catastrophic mistakes I've encountered in real dating.

1) If they cheat and are in the slightest hesitant about telling you the truth, you should dump them.

2) Never lie. Ever.

3) If you hear the words chirped out happily and formally "I look forward to seeing you later today" they're going to stand you up.

4) It's better to get a "no" to kissing a person five minutes from meeting the person than to get a "no" a month later after countless hours of effort.

5) Make sure all parties understand precisely what behavior is expected from them.

6) Sex is still bad. Backrubs and blowjobs are good.

7) Don't ever openly make them dress like someone else you know.

8) Don't attempt to eliminate competition.

9) End the relationship if you actually know they wish to leave you for competition.

10) Don't ask if it was good for her too.

11) If you're not getting enough sex, you really should find someone who gives you enough.

12) Don't ever go back to the same person.

13) Don't date people who you'd otherwise see every day anyways.

14) If the person makes it clear that the night is over, don't make it any longer.

that's all I can think of at the moment, add others..

[RogueIce]

4) It's better to get a "no" to kissing a person five minutes from meeting the person than to get a "no" a month later after countless hours of effort.

That is far, far too true, at least for me...

Biggest Dating Catastrophe?

Me, of course. 18 years old and nothing except rejections...

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

So anyways...saw the evil overlord list again. Was inspired and figured I'd make a list for the general good of the forum goers a list of catastrophic mistakes I've encountered in real dating.

And commentary...

1) If they cheat and are in the slightest hesitant about telling you the truth, you should dump them.

If they cheat, dump them. Period. End of story. Forget the "lying about it", that's redundant. Cheating is lying carried to the level of physical action.

2) Never lie. Ever.

Better yet; don't do things you know you'd be compelled to lie about.

3) If you hear the words chirped out happily and formally "I look forward to seeing you later today" they're going to stand you up.

Either that, or they're completely sideways on some very nasty hallucinogen which has them talking like a fortune cookie.

4) It's better to get a "no" to kissing a person five minutes from meeting the person than to get a "no" a month later after countless hours of effort.

But it's also better to put the screws to the woman of your dreams after showing a couple months patience than to be impatient and never get the chance at all.

5) Make sure all parties understand precisely what behavior is expected from them.

And make sure that the behavior you expect of them is realistic.

6) Sex is still bad. Backrubs and blowjobs are good.

If you mean, "Sex is dangerous, blowjobs are as well. Hope you like backrubs.

7) Don't ever openly make them dress like someone else you know.

Agreed. Not only would that be I've-got-body-parts-in-the-fridge creepy, it's also a sure sign that you're a colossal dork.

Don't attempt to eliminate competition.

...without a reliable place to hide the bodies.

9) End the relationship if you actually know they wish to leave you for competition.

You'll never know with any certainty what the other party wants to do, except by what they do. Don't ever ask if they're interested in someone else; do that, and you can guarantee the answer will be "Yes" sooner than later.

10) Don't ask if it was good for her too.

Reminds me of my favorite joke:

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think we give a shit.

11) If you're not getting enough sex, you really should find someone who gives you enough.

Or pay a visit to Ms. Rosy Palms' Palace of Digital Delights. A relationship is worth more than just sex, or you might as well be fucking sheep on the shores of the Mediterranean.

12) Don't ever go back to the same person.

Right. They already know all of your best tricks.

13) Don't date people who you'd otherwise see every day anyways.

Absolutely not. The best relationship on the planet is the one you talk about more than you experience.

14) If the person makes it clear that the night is over, don't make it any longer.

Right. Just make sure she knows where the door is on the way in.

that's all I can think of at the moment, add others..[/quote]

[Darth Wong]

4) It's better to get a "no" to kissing a person five minutes from meeting the person than to get a "no" a month later after countless hours of effort.

How many people kiss a girl five minutes after meeting her? Five minutes is not a lot of time, folks.

5) Make sure all parties understand precisely what behavior is expected from them.

Expectations can change over time. Maybe you should play this by ear.

6) Sex is still bad. Backrubs and blowjobs are good.

If she's willing to give you a blowjob, I don't see why she wouldn't be willing to let you fuck her.

Don't attempt to eliminate competition.

Why not?

10) Don't ask if it was good for her too.

Of course. You can tell whether it was good for her without having to ask her; the characteristic spasmodic clenching and unclenching of perineal and anal muscles during female orgasm is not hard to detect unless your penis has no nerve endings.

11) If you're not getting enough sex, you really should find someone who gives you enough.

Of course.

12) Don't ever go back to the same person.

Why not?

13) Don't date people who you'd otherwise see every day anyways.

Why not? I've never understood this strange idea that it's bad to see your wife all the time. If you like her, why not see her all the time?

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Here's another one. If your would-be boyfriend brings his two sisters along for the date, you may as well surrender right then and there. Ain't no way IN HEEEELLLL you gonna get with the guy!!!!

Picture this: I meet a cute Asian guy on the Internet, we email, swap fone numbers, then plan a Meatspace Date. So I get all dolled up, he picks me up, and then on the way to the Ice Sk8ing Rink (yes New Orleans has those, Thank the Gods of Technology) he SWINGS BY HIS HOUSE to get his two sisters!!! I thought I was doing good right up to that point. One of them (let's call her Mary) was all kool, but somewhat introverted. The other (let's call this one Jade) was actively doing a damn good job putting the kibosh on any and EVERY move I made toward the guy. She may as well have sprayed me with a garden hose! So I'm trying to get the guy alone while sk8ing, and Miss Jade Harpy would hit me with that Garden Hose. It was humiliating! Needless to say, my callback the next day went unanswered...

[RedImperator]

I need to make a list of tips for chasing after a woman. If I can help just one man avoid the Mystery Boyfriend Surprise, I'll have improved the quality of human life on Earth.

[Admiral Valdemar]

Here's another one. If your would-be boyfriend brings his two sisters along for the date, you may as well surrender right then and there. Ain't no way IN HEEEELLLL you gonna get with the guy!!!!

Picture this: I meet a cute Asian guy on the Internet, we email, swap fone numbers, then plan a Meatspace Date. So I get all dolled up, he picks me up, and then on the way to the Ice Sk8ing Rink (yes New Orleans has those, Thank the Gods of Technology) he SWINGS BY HIS HOUSE to get his two sisters!!! I thought I was doing good right up to that point. One of them (let's call her Mary) was all kool, but somewhat introverted. The other (let's call this one Jade) was actively doing a damn good job putting the kibosh on any and EVERY move I made toward the guy. She may as well have sprayed me with a garden hose! So I'm trying to get the guy alone while sk8ing, and Miss Jade Harpy would hit me with that Garden Hose. It was humiliating! Needless to say, my callback the next day went unanswered...

I know of a good, uh, "dating agency" that deals with problems from relatives like that. No questions asked.

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Here's another one. If your would-be boyfriend brings his two sisters along for the date, you may as well surrender right then and there. Ain't no way IN HEEEELLLL you gonna get with the guy!!!!

Picture this: I meet a cute Asian guy on the Internet, we email, swap fone numbers, then plan a Meatspace Date. So I get all dolled up, he picks me up, and then on the way to the Ice Sk8ing Rink (yes New Orleans has those, Thank the Gods of Technology) he SWINGS BY HIS HOUSE to get his two sisters!!! I thought I was doing good right up to that point. One of them (let's call her Mary) was all kool, but somewhat introverted. The other (let's call this one Jade) was actively doing a damn good job putting the kibosh on any and EVERY move I made toward the guy. She may as well have sprayed me with a garden hose! So I'm trying to get the guy alone while sk8ing, and Miss Jade Harpy would hit me with that Garden Hose. It was humiliating! Needless to say, my callback the next day went unanswered...

I know of a good, uh, "dating agency" that deals with problems from relatives like that. No questions asked.

Thanks but no thanks. This was three years ago (I was just done turning 18 too. So much for Post-Birthday Nookie!)

[Tom_Aurum]

Let's see... more...

-remember kids, if you're going to play with whips and chains and other methods of enjoyable torture, have a safety word... hell... have a safety word anyways...

-Guys... the one thing you'll at least have to learn how to <fake> is empathy. Of course, it helps with girls too, but not as nescessary

-if you have a cat, lock it in the bathroom once you sense a romantic interlude coming on.

-Along the lines of earlier poster- Girls, keep away from an asian Guy's manipulative chick friends/relatives. No, really I've heard from other sources as well about evil asian chick antics in that department

-A little bit of manners goes a long way. If she won't continue dating you, at least she'll send you to her attractive freinds.

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

Let's see... more...

-remember kids, if you're going to play with whips and chains and other methods of enjoyable torture, have a safety word... hell... have a safety word anyways...

What if she forgets the word?

-Guys... the one thing you'll at least have to learn how to <fake> is empathy. Of course, it helps with girls too, but not as nescessary

I take umbrage at that remark, Tom. Who the hell convinced you that men don't have empathy in regards to the women (or men) they're in love with?

-if you have a cat, lock it in the bathroom once you sense a romantic interlude coming on.

You're not afraid of a little extra pussy, are you, Tom?

-Along the lines of earlier poster- Girls, keep away from an asian Guy's manipulative chick friends/relatives. No, really I've heard from other sources as well about evil asian chick antics in that department

Don't jump to hasty generalizations, please.

-A little bit of manners goes a long way. If she won't continue dating you, at least she'll send you to her attractive freinds.

Sometimes true; the Friendship Zone can be utilized... but rarely. More often, the two of you will end up dealing each other psychological and emotional scars before you pimp each other out to your hot friends. By all means, give it a shot if the opportunity comes along -- but consider yourself wanred: there are very serious risks involved.

[Kuja]

How many people kiss a girl five minutes after meeting her? Five minutes is not a lot of time, folks.

*raises hand* Um, I did once. And no, she didn't smack me.

[XaLEv]

*raises hand* Um, I did once. And no, she didn't smack me.

Heh....

And memories of a story about a bathroom come flooding back to the front of my mind...

[Einhander Sn0m4n]

Another Rule: Sex on the First Date DOES SOMETIMES WORK!!!

Yet another Rule: So will Extreme Age Difference.

Trust me, I know this from First Hand Experience. I''m 21, Dave's 46, we had sex on the first date, and we've been together for two long, sweet years!

File this under "Spectacularly-Successful-Beyond-Wildest-Dreams Dating Stories"

[Tom_Aurum]

Focusing on the male perspective, something I've found out over the years. When you first meet a lady, it is usually a hit or miss situation. I'm sure there are notable exceptions to this rule, but in general, it seems that the woman decides in the first five minutes whether it's a good idea to see you or not. Wherein a test of the waters is a good idea. One of these being exchanging a number. However, a girl will waste your time by giving you a number and not replying, giving you the number to a mental ward, et cetera. One of these being exchanging a kiss. Call me rude and abrupt, but I always detested the "not kissing on the first date" thing. Usually if the girl doesn't kiss you between the first meeting and the first date, I find that she's really not interested. Something that you're not given in abundance in this world is time. Why waste it with the pathetic nonsensical bullshit where a woman sees precisely how much she can get for nothing.

[Raoul Duke, Jr.]

Focusing on the male perspective, something I've found out over the years. When you first meet a lady, it is usually a hit or miss situation. I'm sure there are notable exceptions to this rule, but in general, it seems that the woman decides in the first five minutes whether it's a good idea to see you or not. Wherein a test of the waters is a good idea. One of these being exchanging a number. However, a girl will waste your time by giving you a number and not replying, giving you the number to a mental ward, et cetera. One of these being exchanging a kiss. Call me rude and abrupt, but I always detested the "not kissing on the first date" thing. Usually if the girl doesn't kiss you between the first meeting and the first date, I find that she's really not interested. Something that you're not given in abundance in this world is time. Why waste it with the pathetic nonsensical bullshit where a woman sees precisely how much she can get for nothing.

In theory, that sounds great. The problem is that women do not typically behave this way. (The ones that do tend to be subscribers to the STD Network, or heavily intoxicated.)

Most women value themselves more than to expose themselves to potential health risks indiscriminately like that. And unless you're up for a good old-fashioned case of herpes or worse, you might want to do the same. Instant gratification is great, but some people just don't want to take the risks that accompany it; if a girl respects herself (and you) enough not to play Pathogen Roulette the very same day she meets you, you should consider her to be more worthy of pursuit than a girl who doesn't give a flying fuck about your health or hers.

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

12) Don't ever go back to the same person.

Why not?

So true. Few years ago I went for a date with my first love (actually she rejected me on the first time, and then she's got married with another guy, but she already divorced when we had the date), and it was GREAT. Both of us were enjoying ourselves, and if I never met Inge, I could ended up with her.

10) Don't ask if it was good for her too.

Of course. You can tell whether it was good for her without having to ask her; the characteristic spasmodic clenching and unclenching of perineal and anal muscles during female orgasm is not hard to detect unless your penis has no nerve endings.

It is comment like THIS which make Darth Wong my favorite poster....

[Kuja]

Heh....

And memories of a story about a bathroom come flooding back to the front of my mind...

Hehehe.

[Zaia]

-Guys... the one thing you'll at least have to learn how to <fake> is empathy. Of course, it helps with girls too, but not as nescessary

I take umbrage at that remark, Tom. Who the hell convinced you that men don't have empathy in regards to the women (or men) they're in love with?

Jesus, Tom, you sure know how to make a woman feel shitty and worthless. So, you don't give a shit how we feel and will just fake concern, but you'll dump us if we don't give you enough sex? Fuck off.

Thanks for your comments, Raoul. Nice to know some guys have a heart.

[Durandal]

-Guys... the one thing you'll at least have to learn how to <fake> is empathy. Of course, it helps with girls too, but not as nescessary

Faking empathy won't get you very far. Unless you're an Oscar-winning actor, the girl will be able to detect whether or not you're just bullshitting her with, "Uh huh"s and "Yeah, I understand"s.

If you can't show or feel genuine empathy for the girl, then you probably don't give a shit about her, and she's not someone you should be with.

[Zaia]

Durandal, I'd have to disagree. Even if you are an Oscar-winning actor, it's still obvious when people are bullshitting you. Especially people who allegedly care about you.

Everything else you said was right on, though. Thanks, babe.

[Durandal]

Durandal, I'd have to disagree. Even if you are an Oscar-winning actor, it's still obvious when people are bullshitting you. Especially people who allegedly care about you.

Fine fine.

Everything else you said was right on, though. Thanks, babe.

Of course.

[Edi]

Faking empathy won't work, and if you really are interested in a girl, she deserves a lot better than just some acting. I find it extremely difficult not to be empathic, and if I really do lack empathy for a girl, it means I couldn't care less about her anyway.

Edi

[Tom_Aurum]

Well, truth be told, if you don't care about what she cares about, you're not perfect soulmates. But no one is. Really. Even if you have everything in the world in common after a certain point, you're going to find yourself having to make an effort to understand something that you don't know or even care about. Not because you want to, but because you actually like the person, even if they're talking about something absolutely silly and pointless. Anyways, this was supposed to be a list of pointers here, not argument. Debate fiends.

[neoolong]

Faking empathy is about getting into her pants, not about a real relationship. And that's the bottom line.

[EmperorMing]

Here's one; it's been posted elsewhere in many other places (and printed);

Watch how your date treats a stranger; it will give you an idea of what to expect later down the road. If it gets that far...