The Eurovision Song Contest: As It Happened
Posted: 2012-05-26 08:46pm
The Guardian
Someone send these two a TOG sweatshirt each! They've earned them.Good evening, bonsoir and axşamınız xeyir to the 2012 Eurovision liveblog! Tonight promises to be a cheese-packed variety hamper of musical joy, courtesy of the 26 finalists vying for the honour/economic ruin of hosting the contest next year.
Tonight's showbiz extravaganza is coming live from Baku, Azerbaijan – a nation so loaded they've build a sparkly new venue JUST for Eurovision. The liveblog, however, is coming to you courtesy of Heidi Stephens and Stu Heritage, live from Stu's front room. We might post the odd photo on Twitter as we go along, so follow us at @stuheritage and @heidistephens. Just so you know, we're a tiny bit excited. We have food with flags in it and everything.
We'll be giving you the low-down on each of the 26 entries, the hosts, the bewildering interval entertainment and the results, right through until it all finishes about 11.15pm. Heidi will be kicking things off whilst Stu goes and lies down in a darkened room following The Voice liveblog, then we'll swap about a bit depending on whose turn it is to fetch snacks.
Do join in with your comments below – it's like a virtual Eurovision party, and all are welcome, even if you hate Eurovision, don't think we're in any way funny, and think the Guardian shouldn't be wasting valuable bandwidth on this rubbish. Feel the Euro love.
Standard drinking game rules apply tonight – a swig of whatever you fancy every time you spot a performance involving a) startling amounts of facial hair, b) excessive use of a wind machine, c) on-stage flames, d) accordion playing or e) gratuitous wearing of capes. Ordinarily we'd also suggest you drink whenever the presenters get a bit cringeworthy, but based on the semis you'll be crying in a corner with a bottle before the first note has been sung.
Currently the betting websites are showing Sweden's big dance anthem as the 5/4 favourite, closely followed by the Russian grannies at 7/2. The UK is currently ranking 6th (after Jedward) at 20/1, but Englebert is up first, which is never a good sign. Who are you rooting for this evening?
We'll be kicking things off at 8pm on BBC1, so gather snacks and booze and join us then!
8.00pm: And we're off! It's Heidi here, I'll be looking after you for the first ten songs or so. Is everybody ready? I'm excited. Yay, Graham Norton! And fireworks in Baku! There's a four hour time difference, so it's midnight in Azerbaijan. How drunk are they already?
8.01pm: Men in white suits are dancing, and already there is caping action. DRINK! Ooh, their outfits light up! A man is flying! Is this what LSD is like?
Ah, that's more like it - elegant ladies doing traditional dancing with gentle drums. Ah, more drums. Many more drums. And so much dancing. Azerbaijan are showing us ALL the dancing in the world, ever.
8.05pm: Will this ever end? It's only 8.05.
8.05pm: Ah, last year's winner. Let's see if it's improved with age, like a fine cheese.
Well this year they're miming, so that's a bonus.
8.07pm: Out come the presenters, dressed in polyester bridalwear. They are cracking gags in Azerbaijani.
The third presenter is El, who was the male half of last year's winning duo. He is wearing a white suit, and between them they're more wooden than a Thunderbird convention.
8.11pm: Hurrah, it's time for the singing!
First up it's the UNITED KINGDOM, with The Hump singing "Love Will Set You Free". Technically only the parole board can set you free, regardless of what your cellmates tell you, but that's by the by. If the Eurovision scoring was based on who's the biggest, most legendary "I've sold 15 million albums" septuagenarian crooner, we'd win by a country mile. Alas it's based on this song, which is OK I s'pose.
KEY CHANGE!!!
8.16pm: Right, we're off and running! Next up it's HUNGARY , with Compact Disco singing "Sound of Our Hearts". The band were originally called "iPod", but due to product placement restrictions had to change their name. OK, I made that up.
Basically it's some men in black leather singing about the sound of their hearts. Unfortunately their hearts sounds like Savage Garden during their "limp dirge" phase.
8.20pm: Brace yourselves, people, for next up is ALBANIA, with Rona Nishu singing "Suus". I say singing, it's more the desperate wailing of a wounded bear, sung by a terrifying Bjork-a-like sporting a cob loaf as a hat. It includes the lyrics "I land my plane/on the lightless runway of your soul". Listening to this is like being directly in the flight path.
The way she has taped her hair to her chest is just horrible. It's like it's about to strangle her. OH MY EARS.
8.24pm: Thank goodness that's over. Next up it's LITHUANIA, with Danny Montell singing "Love Is Blind". Lithuanians don't do metaphor – Danny is wearing a blindfold to highlight the blindness of his love. Later he will gouge his eyeballs out before lunging passionately at a member of the audience. THAT'S how blind his love is.
Ooh, the liveblog has gone, has been replaced by gymnastic and masturbatory air guitar (Stu's description, not mine).
I liked it better when love was blind.
8.27pm: Goodness, they just keep coming. Next up is BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA, with Maya Sar singing "Korake Ti Znam", which is something about taking steps, I think.
It's a sweet little ballad, with a young Joanna Lumley on piano sporting Star Trek shoulder pads. She has lovely teeth - fair play to her Bosnian dentist.
Whatever steps she was planning to take are now being largely hampered by the wind machine.
I quite liked that. Beautifully sung.
8.31pm: Woo hoo! It's time for RUSSIA, with the amazing grannies singing "Party for Everybody". A Russian party clearly includes baked goods, which is my kind of party. Has anyone in the history of Eurovision had an oven on stage? Surely for this alone they should win?
I think it's important that you know that Stu Heritage is not only chair dancing, but singing along. He KNOWS THE WORDS.
Why isn't she wearing oven gloves? HEALTH AND SAFETY.
8.35pm: How do you follow that? It's time for ICELAND, with Greta Salóme & Jónsi singing "Never Forget". Not the Take That anthem, alas, but a quite dark and intense ballad/waltz sung by a man with immaculate cheekbones and Melinda Messenger on the violin. All a bit dark and Twilight-esque.
Again, amazing dental work in abundance. The song isn't really my cup of tea though. Still, the TEETH.
8.39pm: Next up is CYPRUS, with Ivi Adamou singing La La Love. It's a cheesy pop anthem packed with half-dressed girls, bags of hair and lalala-ing. It's proper old school Eurovision, and I LOVE IT.
Not sure about the abundance of beige, though. Or the knee-high socks, for that matter. Still, LA LA LA LALALA.
I'm going to Cyprus on holiday on Wednesday. How many times will I hear this, do you think? LA LA LA LALALA.
8.43pm: Noooo, don't make them GO! Stu and I were having a little dance. Next up it's FRANCE, and I've never heard this song, so I have no idea what to expect.
Well it's got lots of topless gymnasts, so that's a good start. And a very beautiful singer - Stu has gone all misty-eyed. Her name is Anggun, and the song is "Echo". France have entered some absolute dirge over recent years (Sebastien Tellier aside, he was BRILLIANT), but this is really rather good.
Excellent use of the wind machine, and I'm adding "gold camel hoof" to the drinking game, especially if designed by Jean-Paul Gaultier.
8.48pm: So who's next? It's ITALY's answer to Amy Winehouse, complete with ratty hair and Bacofoil dress. Her name is Nina Zilli, and she's singing "Out of Love". It's a jazzy little number, but instantly forgettable. Great lipstick and shoes though. Also, great teeth. What's with the euro teeth this year?
Right that's it from me for a bit - I'm handing over to Stu Heritage!
8.52pm: Stuart Heritage: Hello, my turn now. Apparently I have to stop dancing to actually liveblogging now. Liveblogging SUCKS.
8.55pm: Here's ESTONIA, with Kuula by Ott Lepland, a sad-looking chap with preposterously expressive eyebrows. Having been to Estonia, I can only assume that he's sad because all the pubs in Estonia have to play bad dance music all weekend to satisfy all the stag blokes with their nicknames printed on the back of their rugby shirts.
But let's be fair to Estonia for a moment. As far as ballads go, this is easily the most recent one I've ever heard. Heidi says that Ott is Estonia's Gary Barlow, which is quite easily the most stinging insult I have heard for several years.
8.56pm: According to the inter-song postcard, Azerbaijan is the City Of Flames. And pomegranates. And dancers. And some walls. Good to know.
8.59pm: Here's NORWAY. It's performed by Tooji. If you're reading this, Tooji, Heidi says she definitely would. I think this is because Heidi has a secret thing for expressionless shop mannequins, but I'll let her deny that.
This is good and all, and there's lots of very current 'wob-wob' noises in it, but I can't help thinking "If you're here, who's doing the Saturday shift at All Saints?". Also, he's clearly a bit of a flip-flopper. One minute he's all like "Stay" and then he's all like "Move your body". Which one do you want me to do, Tooji? I can't stay AND move my body. I'm not a bloody magician.
9.01pm: We're in the green room of the Crystal Hall - the Eurovision venue, not south-east London's premiere gay nightclub - where we're treated to a brief chat with Englebert Humperdinck. Englebert, bless him, doesn't seem to know exactly where he is or what he's supposed to be doing. In other news, Heidi just took a photo of me, and used a flash, and now I can't see my keyboard. So excuse me if the next few minutes are a bit unflrw.,k/
9.04pm: And now for AZERBAIJAN, the host nation. I'll level with you, readers, this is the first time I've heard this song. It appears that Azerbaijan has hired a poundshop Celine Dion, dressed her in the nearest swan and told her to free-associate a song about telling her best friend that it's got a bit cold.
This song is called When The Music Dies and... oh, why bother? You're all making the same joke as I am anyway, aren't you?
The main thrust of this song seems to be that the singer is quite cold. She's wearing three feathers and a sequin. I'm no expert, but she'd probably be a bit less miserable if she put a jumper on.
9.09pm: Here's ROMANIA with Mandinga, which is a good thing to shout if you bang your toe. The song is basically a perfect distillation of everything Eurovision. There's a moonwalking bagpiper, a big drum with a heart, a giant afro and a set of lyrics that are mostly "See-la-li-la-li" over and over again. If a skirt gets ripped off, or the song ends with a creepy "Even though you're only three" - it'll win hands down.
I enjoyed that song. And I sort of hate myself for that. Was hating yourself part of the drinking game?
9.13pm: Now for DENMARK, represented here by Diane Vickers wearing a sailor's hat that she found in a syringe exchange. This song is called Should've Known Better, which was incidentally the last thing that this singer said before stepping onstage, after pairing that hat with some tasselly shoulderpads.
From this song, I have learnt the following: 1) Denmark REALLY likes the early work of Natalie Imbruglia, 2) Don't buy sailor hats off eBay. That is all.
9.14pm: Azerbaijan, land of silly hats. And some eggs. And men in silly hats looking at some eggs in an angry way.
9.18pm: GREECE now. Due to budgetary constraints, they're performing the Cypriot song from just now. Also, due to budgetary constraints, the singer is only allowed to wear half a dress. Also, not due to budgetary constraints, I'd quite like to marry the singer. She's got it all. She sings. She dances. She flicks her hair a bit too often, to be honest, but I'm liveblogging Eurovision so I'm not exactly in a position to be very picky.
Obviously Greece won't win this, because hosting Eurovision next year would send its fragile economy plunging into a black hole from which there is no escape. So we'd better not all vote for it for a laugh, right? Right? That would be very spiteful. And slightly funny. But mainly spiteful.
9.19pm: SWEDEN's turn now, with the song that'll probably win. It's called Euphoria. It's performed by a kind of Shoreditch Winkleman. And it's quite, quite brilliant.
9.22pm: Oh, it's good, isn't it? It sounds like something that you'd hear on the radio. And that's something that has never ever been said about any Eurovision song in history. The best bit of the song comes when Loreen - the singer - drops to her knees and inspires a flurry of dandruff to fall from the ceiling. It's properly amazing. Heidi Stephens is literally on her feet now. She's not dancing. I think she's just a bit thirsty. But, still, it's something.
9.26pm: Here's TURKEY's band of boyband pirates with a song called Love Me Back. Heidi says it's Count Duckula singing the themetune to Inspector gadget, but I like to think that it's If I Was A Rich Man, as written by someone who only heard If I Was A Rich Man while they were being smacked around the head with frying pans and gongs.
This performance is notable for the backing dancers, one of whom (second in from the left) is the devil. They all have long coats that eventually transform into a boat. It's also notable for the lyrics, which include "Love me like I love you and say nah-nah-nah-ni-nah-ni-nah", which suggest that the singer would be pretty useless on Take Me Out.
9.27pm: Azerbaijan. Land of a mountain. And another mountain. And some more mountains. And, oh, a church.
9.31pm: Here comes SPAIN! Due to budgetary constraints, the singer is wearing your mum's third-best tablecloth. The translated title of this song is Stay With Me and, judging by the singer's face, she's so keen for us to stay with her because she's massively constipated and she has trouble walking up the stairs.
A lot of songs have variations of the 'stay' theme for titles this year. God, Europeans are needy.
Oh, hang on. This song started off as a tiny wee ballad, but now the singer's giving it everything she's got. She's basically shouting as loudly as she can. Hey, you know what'd be fun? Getting her and the Albanian woman and putting them in a disused silo and getting them to sing at each other until someone's skull explodes. Make it happen, Europe.
9.34pm: Now for GERMANY, which is fielding a singer who has basically turned Heidi into weeping puddle of oestrogen. Even though he's wearing a silly hat. The singer's name, incidentally, is Roman Lob - which happens to also be the name of a sexual practise that most countries banned about 30 years ago.
The song is called Standing Still, which Roman Lob is singing while NOT ACTUALLY STANDING STILL. Roman Lob is an inveterate rebel, and that's why he's so easily won Heidi Stephens's heart.
The question is, though, what has he got under his hat? My guess is eggs. Lots of eggs, being incubated by his head. One day they'll hatch into little Roman Lobs, and Heidi Stephens will marry all of them.
9.35pm: OK, I've done ten songs. Back to Heidi for a bit.
Hello, Heidi here! I'm BACK, fuelled up and ready for the final six acts. Next up is MALTA, and Kurt Callega singing "This Is The Night". We love Malta, they always give us points. It's a happy poppy tune, with backing singers doing nerdy shuffling and singing eh-eh-eh-eheh. It's heavy on the pyrotechnics, so I hope you're drinking.
Kurt also looks a great deal like X Factor winner Shane Ward, and appears to be wearing a single yellow glove. I'm trying not to hold either of these things against him. This won't win, but I like it.
9.39pm: So who's next? It's MACEDONIA, with Kaliopi singing "Crno I Belo". I really want this to be Macedonian for "Cor I bellow", but apparently it means "Black and white". It starts out as a warbly ballad sung by Martine McCutcheon's mum in a dreadful black trouser suit, until some random rock guitars kick in and it all goes a bit Roxette. I'd like to say this is an improvement, but I'd be lying. Ooh, guitar solo and metal screech!
This is terrible. Let it end.
9.43pm: Next up it's IRELAND! Which means JEDWARD singing "Waterline". Jedward will continue to represent Ireland every year until they retire, or Ireland have gathered enough Euros in a leprechaun hat to risk winning - whichever comes first.
The format is much the same as last year, but they've swapped the red rubber suits for Pimp My Tin Man costumes. There's also a fountain, presumably to represent the "waterline". A toilet would have done.
It's awful, and yet still I'm still singing along. I hate myself right now.
9.46pm: I like the bit where they make a little heart with their hands, and then do a cartwheel. And then they jump in the fountain. Aww, bless.
9.47pm: Right, that's over with for another year. Same time next year, eh boys?
We're nearly there! Only three to go! It's time for SERBIA, and Željko Joksimović singing "Nije Ljubav Stvar". It all starts quite promisingly - tinkly piano, couple of mournful violins, man on an oboe, then a swarthy Serbian Kenny G kicks off a dreary ballad. After Jedward it's a world of greyness and despair.
Oh HANG on – the drums have kicked in, along with a flute. All we need is a fountain, some finger shapes and a backward roll and this could be a winner.
Oh, it's over. I predict bottom half. Which means it will probably win.
9.51pm: Last-but-one is UKRAINE, with Gaitana singing "Be My Guest". This is mine and Stu's favourite, we are DANCING IT UP right now. Well, jiggling as much as our laptops will allow.
It's a big bellowy dance number with trumpet players in skirts, with amazing video screens so it looks like she's got loads of dancers. Gaitana is inviting us to be her guest. Whatever kind of big-assed dance party accommodation Gaitana is running in Kiev, I want to stay there. It sounds amazing.
Basically we just want to listen to this for the rest of the evening.
9.56pm: And finally, FINALLY, it's MOLDOVA, with Pasha Parfeny singing "Lăutar". He's wearing what Stu describes as "utility lederhosen". The chorus includes the phrase "this trumpet makes you my girl", which is just a tiny bit sinister. There's a lot of room for his trumpet in those jodphurs.
Even with the backing singers dressed as lampshades, this is nothing on last year's unicycling smurfs. In fact it's just a tiny bit surreal.
9.59pm: So that's IT for the singing! Who's your favourite? I'm ALL about Sweden and Ukraine.
Time to hand back to Stu to dissect the half time entertainment while I have a cider.
10.02pm: Stuart Heritage. Hello. I'm doing the interval act, because Heidi hates me. But first, here's a recap of all the performances - including Englebert Humperdinck, who I'd sort of forgotten about. That's probably not a great sign, is it?
10.05pm: I think, of what I've seen tonight, I want the Ukraine to win. Or maybe Cyprus. Or France. Or anyone, just so long as they promise to end this soon. But, hey, we'll know who the winner is soon, in just... oh, an hour and fifteen minutes. Really? That long? God.
10.08pm: This is just like the recaps in The Voice. Except that you know you won't be confronted by Danny's hideous sex face. And that, frankly, is one of the few comforts I can cling to at the moment.
10.10pm: Here's the SUPER POSTCARD, where the good people of Azerbaijan do their best to convince us all to take holidays there. And maybe we should - they have buildings. And water. And sunsets. And industrial oil rigs. And horses. And thimbles. And rain. And food. I mean, FOOD! Come on, people!
10.11pm: And rugs. And fire. And bits that look like the opening of a James Bond film if the James Bond films cost about 3p to make.
10.12pm: Another recap. But you're intelligent people. You know who all these people are by now. Take this time to do something constructive with your life. Call your mother. Learn origami. Help an elderly neighbour. Or, if you're Heidi Stephens, shriek with genuine agony every time you're reminded about the Albanian entry. That's also good.
10.16pm: If we're being a bit quiet at the moment, it's because we're reading through your comments. And nodding. And saying "Good" a lot. And "Funny". So well done, everybody. We're proud of you.
10.17pm: The lines are closed now. And, as the computers crash under the power of everyone voting for the Russian grannies, here's the interval act.
10.19pm: The performance begins with lasers, and man playing an instrument that sounds like a yowling cat. Then an orchestra. And some people carrying some fire around, like they're Will.I.Am or something.
10.20pm: And now a man playing a sort of pipe thing. Because it's Eurovision, the overall noise sounds like a really elaborate version of the music you hear in the Visit Morocco adverts they play on the news channels you get in hotel rooms.
10.24pm: And now, after a little bit of dancing, the main act drops down from the ceiling. He's either been told to look as expressionless as possible, or he's the world's most boring man. He takes a breath. And...
Oh, it's another song. And one that sounds identical to Nobody's Perfect by Jessie J. We've just had 26 largely mediocre songs, pal. The last thing we need is another one. What's wrong with a dance number? Or a juggler? Or a nice ventriloquist or something? I liveblogged The Voice right before this. I think I'm reaching my tolerance for mediocre songs. I'm not even sure that I can hear this properly any more. It's just noise. Oh god, I'm turning into someone's dad.
10.25pm: One day, Europe will invent a computer that can count millions of votes in three or four seconds. I look forward to seeing the sort of interval act that comes after this happens.
Oh, it's finished. Thank heavens for that.
10.28pm: Now there's another green room segment, where one of the hosts wanders around like Prince Charles, idly asking the competitors what they do.
In this segment we learn that the Azerbaijan singer feels good, and that the Denmark singer feels good. And that's it. I'll hand you back over to Heidi now. You're welcome.
10.28pm: Hello, Heidi here. I'm kicking off the voting bit - there's less wailing and musical mediocrity, but more desperate country representatives trying to make the most of their 60 seconds in the spotlight. Count how many times they congratulate the presenters for an amazing show. For god's sake don't drink, I can't be responsible for your liver.
Albania up first! They give Greece 12 points, and the UK nothing.
10.30pm: Next up Montenegro - their 12 points go Serbian Kenny G, with nothing for the UK. Romania give their 12 to Moldova, which apparently is a gift always bestowed by Romania, even for utility lederhosen.
10.33pm: Austria gave Albania 8 points. This is inexcusable, but this is the country to gave us Trackshittaz singing about what they'd like to do to your popo.
It's early days, but Sweden are in the lead. We still have nil points.
10.34pm: Hoorah! Some points for Ukraine from Belarus, and ONE WHOLE POINT from Belgium for The Hump.
12 points from Azerbaijan for the Turkish pirates. No accounting for taste.
10.37pm: This isn't going well for the UK - even Malta aren't giving us any points. They gave Azerbaijan 12 points though, for the third year in a row. They're clearly angling for a Christmas card, or some discount oil.
We're ten countries in, and Sweden are in the lead, but only just ahead of the Russian grannies.
10.41pm: The UK vote presented by Scott Mills - we gave 8 points to Spain, 10 points to Jedward, and 12 points to Sweden. Only 3 points for the Russian grannies though.
COME ON SWEDEN!
10.42pm: Stu and I are feeling a bit flat now. After a slightly bonkers evening of liveblogging, now it's just people saying numbers. Can we just declare Sweden the winner, play the extended DJ Tiesto remix and all dance?
Greece gave their 12 points to Cyprus. Quite right too. We're 15 countries in, and Englebert has 1 point. I suspect he's going to be quite confused.
10.46pm: Graham Norton is blaming the UK's poor performance on going first. Hmm. I'd also add that the song was a tiny bit dull. It also lacked yogic dancing, a kicking bassline and on stage baking. Just saying.
10.48pm: Switzerland give Albania 12 points. I think this just reinforces everything we thought we knew about the Swiss.
10.50pm: We're nearly half way through the voting, and Sweden have a 44-point lead. We want to go to Stockhold next year. If they put anything other than Swedish House Mafia on for the interval act I will be very sad indeed. Or Abba. That would also be fine.
Right, Stu's up to take you through to the end. You've been AMAZING, thank you x
10.54pm: Stu here. Halfway through now, and it's a three-horse race. One of the horses is brilliant (Sweden), one is old (Russia) and one isn't very good at all (Serbia).
In a parallel universe, the Ukraine is running away with it. And, in a parallel universe, Englebert Humperdink isn't having the most humiliating day of his life. And, in a parallel universe, I stopped liveblogging an hour ago and am drunk.
10.56pm: Macedonia hands eight points to the Turkish pirate, ten points to Serbia and 12 points to... what? Albania? You crazy Macedonians.
10.57pm: The Netherlands have given three points to Norway. Only the dirty Danish pirate stands between Englebert and oblivion now.
10.58pm: And Denmark have five points now. We're dead last. WE'RE NUMBER 26! WE'RE NUMBER 26!
11.00pm: Janet Street Porter is presenting for Sweden now, and she's giving ten points to Sweden's closest rival Serbia. And 12 points to Cyprus, who Heidi and I approve of greatly. Still, it looks like Loreen is running away with this.
11.02pm: One of the cast of Lazytown is presenting for Lithuania, and he's also refused to give Englebert any points. Somewhere in the green room, a disappointed Englebert Humperdinck wonders where his chicken in a basket has got to.
11.03pm: HANG ON A MINUTE! Estonia has given five points to Englebert. You know what this means? It means we're... oh, we're still last. Oh.
11.05pm: We're not just last, of course. We're being beaten by a lady in a dirty sailor's hat. It didn't even hurt this much when Binman Andy off X Factor died a horrible death.
Latvia's given the UK two points. This means we're only second-last now. I'll prepare the bunting, shall I?
11.08pm: Lordi is representing Finland. And he's in full demon prosthetic get-up, standing in front of a screensaver of Finland's best bits. And he looks a bit sad, like he's a couple of steps away from selling drill bits on a home shopping network while dressed up like this. I can't even remember who he gave points to. I just want this to stop.
11.09pm: Sweden is now almost a full hundred points ahead of the competition. You know what this means? I'm only about five minutes away from begging people to let me stay in Sweden next year.
11.10pm: Italy just gave Albania 12 points. Taping your dreadlocks to your chest is evidently quite big in Italy. Figures.
11.11pm: Five more countries left to vote. You know, I don't think I'm being too optimistic, but I think we can do this.
11.13pm: I'm going to celebrate Sweden's win by going to the Croydon branch of Ikea. I fully expect it'll be decked out with glitterballs and cheerleaders, instead of the usual chipboard and misery.
11.16pm: Heidi Stephens has worked out that Norway - the only country that the UK is beating - was that shop mannequin she fancied. She is distraught. And, possibly, planning to use his low self-esteem as a launchpad for some sort of hideous romantic attack.
11.17pm: Ireland, last to vote, give us enough points to not come completely last. And the winner is SWEDEN. Just like everyone thought it'd be. It's almost like none of us needed to bother turning up. Almost.
11.18pm: The real winner of tonight, of course, is Claudia Winkleman, who can use Loreen's win as justification for keeping that haircut of hers for the last 20 years or so.
11.19pm: Loreen makes her way to the stage, and is given a glass microphone. That's the least any of us can expect for being made to sit through three hours of this, to be honest. Hopefully all of ours are in the post.
11.21pm: In her acceptance speech, Loreen says that she loves me and that she wouldn't have been able to do this without me, and that she plans to share the glass microphone with me. Which is very kind of her, since we've never met. And then she launches into another burst of Euphoria, which is good. Imagine if we had to hear the Albanian song again. Brr.
11.23pm: What I want to know is whether or not there's another load of dandruff in the rafters. I'm not sure that this performance will have the same impact without all the psoriasis.
Ah, don't worry. They're dropping toilet roll from the ceiling instead.
11.24pm: And that's it for another glorious Eurovision. Cry not for Englebert Humperdinck. He may not have won, but he got everything he wanted from tonight - some chicken in a basket and an early night - so it wasn't a dead loss. Congratulations again to Loreen - a deserving winner if ever there was one - and if anyone from Sweden is reading, you should totally put me up in your house this time next year.
Thanks once again for the pile of comments - you've all done yourselves absolutely proud. If you've been a fan of this silliness, be sure to follow us both on Twitter (we're @HeidiStephens and @StuHeritage). Now, sleep. Sleep and dream of blindfolded Lithuanians. It's the least that you people deserve.
