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Alyrium's list of Sarcastic Prayers




*Kneels, traces cross on chest* "Dear lord thou art in heaven. May you bless the Bean and keep him from harm. Please oh lord; do not let the foul Satan that is quantum mechanics take our Bean away from us in the cruel irony he loved so much. May you keep his monitor from exploding, and keep him from being randomly shunted into a black hole. May you protect him from the doom that is carpal tunnel, and keep him from tripping and falling down flights of stairs. I pray this in the name of thy son Jesus Christ. Amen"


" Oh we praise you lord! May you protect us from threats that we blow horribly out of proportion. Oh lord help me to accomplish tasks that I could have finished by the time I am done praying to you. Oh dear sweet merciful lord, who butchers innocent children. Please forgive me of sins that have no victim, and that are perpetrated without my knowledge. Oh forgive me for wearing a cotton-polyester bled oh lord; forgive me for the horrible crime of checking out guys in the all at school. Please have mercy on my soul, for I had the nerve to eat a pork chop for lunch today. I pray this in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ. Amen"


“Oh lord! Please bless this food. Even though I grew it myself and spent months cultivating it, I will still give credit to you oh lord! May this food nourish and strengthen me, even though the nutrient are inherent in its chemical composition, and It would provide me with the nutrition I need regardless of whether I ask you or not. Oh sweet lord. I also wish to pray for the troops in Iraq. They are in grave danger, and even though they are the most highly trained, and best equipped soldiers n the world, fighting a poorly trained, under-equipped army of draftees. I will give al credit of their safe return to you oh lord. I pray this in the name of thy son Jesus Christ. Amen”

“ Oh lord thou art in heaven. Ask you to bless the Mike Wong. May he see the light of Jesus, and stop practicing the foul anal sex that I secretly crave. Which brings me to another point oh lord. Please help me to overcome my cravings for hot sweaty man sex. I realize that scientific evidence says that my homosexuality is genetic…But I REJECT science and its evidence. I am addicted to man sex and under the sway of Satan, even though am a virgin oh lord. I am told that gayness and being a faggot hurts no one. But it hurts YOU oh most omnipotent beings. I have disappointed you, even though you knew would I be gay for all time. OH most vengeful lord. Please cast the devil out of my body, so stop craving man ass. Please forgive e from cursing oh lord. I pray this in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ. Amen”

Comments..insults?

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Heathen... I will still pray for you, although you are denying the truth, and hope you recieve the daughter of the Great Elf (Inside Joke) as your personal <s>saviour</s> savior (No French)! You are blinded from the truth, and are unable to see beyond what you can see. You cannot deny the Great Elf's love for you!

The Elf loves you. Amen.

" Oh great and poweful WONG! Please smite this Wongless heathen in a blast of yur most rightous flames. May your magica force that your writings call "logic" smash your enemies and this elf worshiping infidel. May he see the holy goodness of glorious anal sex. I pray ths in the name of thy sons, David, and Matthew. Amen"


Please dont ban me

Note to any that are confused...Mr. bean is my friend, and and the sarcasm is from the prayer itself. My hope that he returns unharmed from wherever he is(just found out today) is genuine

Dear lord thanks for giving me my family who i love and honour. Even though i got the wife from a mail order thai brides catalogue and the brats aren't even mine may you bless them and the creeps who fathered them.

The Moderate's Christian Prayer: "Oh, my Dear Lord. Even though you are creul and have malice towards all I don't listen too the smart people and listen to you. Instead I rely on the good points and hope that baby killing was a deity sport back in the day. Jesus really loves me. Or thats what my Mommy told me. Amen."

Prayer for Marijuana Legalization, Prayer for Damning Idiotic (and excessively violent) Anti-War "Protestors" to a Fiery/Gruesome Death And Eternal Hellfire@, Prayer for a Short and Victorious War in Iraq, Prayer for our Troops, Prayer for the RIAA (see Anti-War "Protestors"), Prayer for Fundys/Terrorists/Phred Phelps/Jack Chick (again, see "Protestors"), Prayer for Pedophiles/Spammers/Scammers/Spyware Companies/AOL/Micro$oft/Perverts-who-like-mutilating-people/etc (see "Protestors" yet again)...


@ I'm pro-war, but this isn't meant for people who respectfully and civilly disagree with me about the War. It's aimed squarely at the rabid anti-American assholes who shit/vomit/throw-rocks-at-police/burn-monuments/attack-people-for-their-prowar-views/etc. You know who I'm talking about.

" Oh gracious lord! I pray for the atheists May the lght of ess illuminate ther souls. May they cast off ratinal thought, and reson, and instead folow te teachings of christ lindly, regardless of how sensless and bigoted they are. n the nme of thy sone Jesus Christ. Amen"

I wish I knew those back when I still went to Catholic school. If I did, I'd pray them. I'd also spend religion class heckling the teacher. Maybe it wouldn't have been the most boring 45 minutes a day of my life.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:I wish I knew those back when I still went to Catholic school. If I did, I'd pray them. I'd also spend religion class heckling the teacher. Maybe it wouldn't have been the most boring 45 minutes a day of my life.

You went to a Catholic school? So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

And, while I'm at it, where'd that "fire department will sound bell 15 minutes before start of fire" thing in your sig come from?

RogueIce wrote:You went to a Catholic school? So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

I lived *near* a Catholic school when I was growing up. And yes, the stories are true. Religious women, after enough abstinance-talk from teachers, preachers and parents, WILL want sex, lots of it, immediately, regardless of who its with.

Oh Bob, who art in my sock drawer, please bless this leaf of lettuce we lay before you. May my enemies suffer vicious ankle bites, in thy mercy. May the cats never again try to use you as a toy. May your wisdom and guidance ensure I always give all tortoises enough lettuce, and may your general disposition improve until you stop biting the hand that feeds you.

Amen.

" Oh rightous lord! Please bless us as we commit acts of genocide! May the blood of our enemies spill and may they die horrible deaths as we draw and quarter them alive...in thy mercy. May the fires we spread burn like the fires of hell, and show these unbelieving heathens what they are in for in hell oh great ALL-FORGIVING LORD!" I pray this in the name of thy son Jesus Christ, who dies for our sins...our massive sins we will commit today..May be die in glorious battle and be taken into your arms...in thy mercy. Amen"

Arise.

RogueIce wrote: So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

They are indeed.

Illuminatus Primus wrote:Arise.

RogueIce wrote: So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

They are indeed.

Ah, Thread Necromancy...

"Oh God, please help me find the answer that I seek the most out of anything else in the world.......Do you exist??"



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"Oh God, I pray to you, but first,



ARE YOU LISTENING OR AM I JUST TALKING TO MYSELF HERE!!!!!??

Illuminatus Primus wrote:Arise.

RogueIce wrote: So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

They are indeed.

Something "happen" over the weekend?

RogueIce wrote:

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:I wish I knew those back when I still went to Catholic school. If I did, I'd pray them. I'd also spend religion class heckling the teacher. Maybe it wouldn't have been the most boring 45 minutes a day of my life.

You went to a Catholic school? So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

And, while I'm at it, where'd that "fire department will sound bell 15 minutes before start of fire" thing in your sig come from?

1. Not really, in my case. The skirts weren't all that short, and that was during my junior high days, where it doesn't really matter.

2. I read it somewhere, and even I don't know why I put it there. I'll change it.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:

RogueIce wrote:

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:I wish I knew those back when I still went to Catholic school. If I did, I'd pray them. I'd also spend religion class heckling the teacher. Maybe it wouldn't have been the most boring 45 minutes a day of my life.

You went to a Catholic school? So, are the stories they say about Catholic schoolgirls true?

And, while I'm at it, where'd that "fire department will sound bell 15 minutes before start of fire" thing in your sig come from?

1. Not really, in my case. The skirts weren't all that short, and that was during my junior high days, where it doesn't really matter.

2. I read it somewhere, and even I don't know why I put it there. I'll change it.

In any cases did any of them dissapear, then later return upset about a violent tenticle raping ?