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A BILL TO BE ENTITLED
AN ACT
relating to the regulation of men's health and safety; creating a
civil penalty for unregulated masturbatory emissions.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS:
SECTION 1. Subtitle H, Title 2, Health and Safety Code, is
amended by adding Chapter 173 to read as follows:
Sec. 173.001. SHORT TITLE. This chapter may be called the
Man's Right to Know Act.
Sec. 173.002. PURPOSE. The purpose of this chapter is to
express the state's interest in promoting men's health; ensure
Texas men experience safe and healthy elective vasectomies, Viagra
utilizations, colonoscopies procedures, and men's health
experiences; ensure a doctor's right to invoke their personal,
moralistic, or religious beliefs in refusing to perform an elective
vasectomy or prescribe Viagra; and promote fully-abstinent sexual
relations or occasional masturbatory emissions inside health care
and medical facilities, as a means of the healthiest way to ensure
men's health.

Sec. 173.009. SONOGRAM ELECTION. An attending physician
must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and
magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an
elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing
Viagra. This digital rectal exam and rectal sonogram must take
place during the initial health care consultation before an
elective vasectomy is performed, a prescription is given for
Viagra, or a colonoscopy is performed.
Sec. 173.010. FINES RELATED TO MASTURBATORY EMISSIONS.
Masturbatory emissions created in health or medical facilities will
be stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future
wife.
(a) Emissions outside of a woman's vagina, or created
outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100
civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act
against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of
life.
(b) Penalties collected under this section will be
deposited in a fund established by the Department of Family and
Protective Services for the purpose of the care and services
provided to children in the conservatorship of the Department of
Family Protective Services in order to assist in the assertion of
the importance of the sanctity of life.

The Romulan Republic wrote:Every time that you think the Republican Party can't get crazier, or stupider...

Edit: Note, also, how it penalizes "Emissions outside of a woman's vagina..."

So its both a masturbation ban and a return of the sodomy ban.

aerius wrote:

The Romulan Republic wrote:Every time that you think the Republican Party can't get crazier, or stupider...

Edit: Note, also, how it penalizes "Emissions outside of a woman's vagina..."

So its both a masturbation ban and a return of the sodomy ban.

You know those times when someone bungs up so bad that you can't even bring yourself to laugh at him? This is one of those times. I'd suggest looking up the name of the person who introduced this bill and her party affiliation. This shouldn't be too hard, given that her name is right at the top of the bill.

The Romulan Republic wrote:I see. Its a satirical bill introduced by a Democrat. But their's absolutely no way to tell that from the OP post or the article it linked to, and, let's be honest, would anyone be surprised if a Republican legislator seriously introduced such a bill?

Sec. 173.009. SONOGRAM ELECTION. An attending physician
must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and
magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an
elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing
Viagra.

aerius wrote:

The Romulan Republic wrote:I see. Its a satirical bill introduced by a Democrat. But their's absolutely no way to tell that from the OP post or the article it linked to, and, let's be honest, would anyone be surprised if a Republican legislator seriously introduced such a bill?

I don't know about others, but when I see things like this

Sec. 173.009. SONOGRAM ELECTION. An attending physician
must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and
magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an
elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure, or prescribing
Viagra.

The first thing I'm going to do is see if I'm on a parody site or not. Seriously, they're proposing gratuitous anal probes using the fingers and you're not thinking that there's something fishy? Come on now, anal probes for Viagra prescriptions? Think man, think!

aerius wrote:You know those times when someone bungs up so bad that you can't even bring yourself to laugh at him? This is one of those times. I'd suggest looking up the name of the person who introduced this bill and her party affiliation. This shouldn't be too hard, given that her name is right at the top of the bill.

Khaat wrote:Make it a Federal law, and you could pay off the national debt in a week!

The Romulan Republic wrote:I see. Its a satirical bill introduced by a Democrat. But their's absolutely no way to tell that from the OP post or the article it linked to, and, let's be honest, would anyone be surprised if a Republican legislator seriously introduced such a bill?

aerius wrote:

Khaat wrote:Make it a Federal law, and you could pay off the national debt in a week!

Not if I open up a nationwide chain of discount brothels. 20 minute quickies for $110.
You can pay the masturbation fine, or for just $10 more, you can get laid!

The hard part will be laundering my money so that I don't pay taxes.

Broomstick wrote:

The Romulan Republic wrote:I see. Its a satirical bill introduced by a Democrat. But their's absolutely no way to tell that from the OP post or the article it linked to, and, let's be honest, would anyone be surprised if a Republican legislator seriously introduced such a bill?

Yes, I would be surprised because it would seriously inconvenience men and penalize them for being men. That's not the Republican Way. Christian white men are the default and the ideal.

muse wrote:Road Trip was prophetic

Elfdart wrote:Arkansas just introduced a bill where a woman who has been raped can be sued by her rapist to prevent her from aborting. The problem is that state and federal districts are so rigged that the only competition is to see who can be the most bigoted, misogynistic asshole. Like George Wallace vowing to never be "out-niggrahed" again in Alabama.

Elfdart wrote:Arkansas just introduced a bill where a woman who has been raped can be sued by her rapist to prevent her from aborting. The problem is that state and federal districts are so rigged that the only competition is to see who can be the most bigoted, misogynistic asshole. Like George Wallace vowing to never be "out-niggrahed" again in Alabama.

Eternal_Freedom wrote:

Elfdart wrote:Arkansas just introduced a bill where a woman who has been raped can be sued by her rapist to prevent her from aborting. The problem is that state and federal districts are so rigged that the only competition is to see who can be the most bigoted, misogynistic asshole. Like George Wallace vowing to never be "out-niggrahed" again in Alabama.

That's impressively shit. Though I suppose it would require you to basically confess to the rape before you can sue though, so I doubt many people who aren't already imprisoned for rape would do so.

Terralthra wrote:

Eternal_Freedom wrote:

Elfdart wrote:Arkansas just introduced a bill where a woman who has been raped can be sued by her rapist to prevent her from aborting. The problem is that state and federal districts are so rigged that the only competition is to see who can be the most bigoted, misogynistic asshole. Like George Wallace vowing to never be "out-niggrahed" again in Alabama.

That's impressively shit. Though I suppose it would require you to basically confess to the rape before you can sue though, so I doubt many people who aren't already imprisoned for rape would do so.

Unless the charges were dropped (or the case was lost) on the belief that the sex occurred, but was consensual. Which is most cases.