A military history of France
Posted: 2003-04-12 05:35am
I found this a while ago, and, despite not being a habitual France-basher, I still found it funny...
A Military history of France
Gallic Wars Lost. In a war that foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
100 years War Mostly Lost. Saved by female schizophrenic who creates the First Rule of French Warfare: Frances armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman.
Italian Wars Lost. France becomes the first and only country to lose two wars to Italians.
30 Years War France is technically not a participent, but gets invaded anyway. Claims a tie because the other participents begin ignoring her.
War Of The Spanish Succession Lost.
French Revolution Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican (remember rule one), who ended up being no match for an English footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian Wars Lost.
The First World War Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the US.
Second World War Lost. France liberated by US and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indo-China Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western Army by a non-Turkish muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of Muslim warfare: We can always beat the French. This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
A Military history of France
Gallic Wars Lost. In a war that foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
100 years War Mostly Lost. Saved by female schizophrenic who creates the First Rule of French Warfare: Frances armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman.
Italian Wars Lost. France becomes the first and only country to lose two wars to Italians.
30 Years War France is technically not a participent, but gets invaded anyway. Claims a tie because the other participents begin ignoring her.
War Of The Spanish Succession Lost.
French Revolution Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican (remember rule one), who ended up being no match for an English footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian Wars Lost.
The First World War Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the US.
Second World War Lost. France liberated by US and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indo-China Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western Army by a non-Turkish muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of Muslim warfare: We can always beat the French. This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
