by Adrian Tullberg.
***
Ext - Morning - Outside
CUT TO a blonde man wearing a khaki t-shirt and shorts, and an expression that could be described as friendly if the rest of him wasn't near-violently energetic.
STEVE
G'Day! I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter! On this special edition, we're going to be exploring the habitat and habits of the most intriguing animal; the Mutant!
The shot WIDENS to show Steve in a large woodland area
STEVE (cont'd)
Known as the Homo Superior, each mutant is surprisingly different, thus home to many different habitats. That's why it's important for each one to be taken to it's home as quickly as possible, otherwise the whole species could be wiped out. It's my aim to capture a mutant, and take him or her to their native home as quickly as possible.
Steve hunkers down behind a bush, and speaks in a hushed tone.
STEVE
Now, in this preserve in Whinchester County, New York, many mutants have gathered, having gotten lost from their home, and settling down here. So it's a good place to find ...
Steve stops, and the camera PANS over to focus on a small, dark haired man, wandering around a clearing.
STEVE (whispering)
Oh, what - a - beauty. This is a prime example of the Canadious Feralus, or the Wolverine. Very angry, can be found in the vicinity of beer, redheads, and according to some sources on the Internet, nearly legal Asian teenagers. Now normally, he'd be able to sniff out us in no time flat, so it's a good thing that we've put a little something nearby, that'll keep him occupied until we get a little closer.
The man in the clearing stops suddenly, and looks down at his foot.
WOLVERINE
Oh for CHRIST's SAKE!
He HOPS over to a nearby rock, sits on it, and starts cleaning his shoe with a stick.
WOLVERINE (cont'd)
If I find the mutt that left this ...
STEVE sneaks behind WOLVERINE while the mutant is occupied, then JUMPS on his back.
WOLVERINE
WHAT THE ... !
WOLVERINE tries to throw off STEVE, but hangs on, hog tying the mutant with practiced efficiency.
STEVE
Crikey, this one was tough!
WOLVERINE
GET OFF ME YOU FREAK!
STEVE
Settle down, mate! Now, as we can see here, this is a prime example of the species.
WOLVERINE
I'LL TURN YOU INTO A PRIME CUT IF YOU DON'T ...!
STEVE quickly pulls down WOLVERINE's pants to the knees.
WOLVERINE
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ...!
STEVE
As you can pretty plainly see, this is definitely a male.
WOLVERINE
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONCE I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!
STEVE
Now, let's get this one on the plane so we can ... Terri?
The camera turns to TERRI as she stares at the exposed WOLVERINE, mouth open, eyes glazed.
The shot cuts to a bound WOLVERINE lying on the side of the road, a black bag on his head. His movements indicate he's nearly gotten out of his ropes.
STEVE (OS)
Now, here in beautiful Canada, we've returned the Wolverine as close as possible to his native habitat.
WOLVERINE rips free, tearing off his bag witha FERAL ROAR.
WOLVERINE
WHEN I FIND YOU IRWIN, I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT AND MAKE YOU EAT IT!
STEVE (OS)
As you can see, he's got a bit of a temper!
WOLVERINE checks himself, finding his wallet missing.
WOLVERINE
Better phone Chuck ... get a ride home ...
WOLVERINE looks around - the camera widens on a BAR near the roadside, called THE RED HEAVEN.
Walking to the establishment, WOLVERINE heads to a large bald man painting some woodwork.
WOLVERINE
'scue me ...
MAN
Come about the job?
WOLVERINE tooks where the man is indicating - the CAMERA zooms in on a sign saying 'WANTED; BOUNCER'.
JEFF
I'm Jeff. It pays fifty bucks an hour after tax.
WOLVERINE
Really? I mean ...
JEFF
Lot of fights. At least two involving knives on a slow night.
WOLVERINE (interest perking)
Still ... what's the catch?
JEFF
Also have to oil down the girls for the wrestling.
WOLVERINE
Bub, perhaps we have a miscommunication of the word 'catch'.
JEFF
Nymphos, the lot of them. Sounds good in theory, but the guy who had this job last had to be taken to the hospital for dehydration therapy. He'll be in a wheelchair for the next month. It'll take someone with ... I don't know, superhuman stamina and recovery to keep up with half a dozen double-D redheads.
WOLVERINE (trying to clarify)
Redheads? All of them?
JEFF
Yup. And free beer.
WOLVERINE has a blank expression, trying to process this.
JEFF
Why not try this job for a week?
JEFF leads the unusually silent WOLVERINE inside the bar.
STEVE (OS)
As you can see, he's much happier inside his native environment. Now, join up with me next week, as we try to relocate other mutants to their natural homes...
