How Not To Impress an Editor

Rathark · Post by **Rathark** » 2002-09-01 06:55am

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Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2002-09-01 08:21am

HAHAHAHAHAH-*gasp* *choke* *thud*

Evil Sadistic Bastard · Post by **Evil Sadistic Bastard** » 2002-09-01 08:58pm

The writer is dazzling in his stupidity and awesome in his ignorance. The poster, however... is not. I hope.

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2002-09-01 09:04pm

Wowee. That was great.

Rathark · Post by **Rathark** » 2002-09-01 10:00pm

Evil Sadistic Bastard wrote:The writer is dazzling in his stupidity and awesome in his ignorance. The poster, however... is not. I hope.

It's a fictional letter by a stupid fictional character.

Azeron · Post by **Azeron** » 2002-09-01 10:07pm

I was personnally moved when that whore deamon realized that the end was near begged for mercy, or the Wnech showed such dedication to your cause by suficating men in her bosem.

*wipes tear from eye*

so brilliantly written, how did the Author come with such a story?

His modesty is so profound.

Eleas · Post by **Eleas** » 2002-09-02 06:51am

Rathark wrote:
Evil Sadistic Bastard wrote:The writer is dazzling in his stupidity and awesome in his ignorance. The poster, however... is not. I hope.
It's a fictional letter by a stupid fictional character.

So now Robert Jordan and Terry Brooks are "fictional"?

Incidentally, this was very very funny.

Eleas · Post by **Eleas** » 2002-09-02 06:59am

Azeron wrote:I was personnally moved when that whore deamon realized that the end was near begged for mercy, or the Wnech showed such dedication to your cause by suficating men in her bosem.

*wipes tear from eye*

so brilliantly written, how did the Author come with such a story?

His modesty is so profound.

Sad part of it is, I've read a few such, uh, works. The Eye of Argon is one of the more famous ones. It has been mocked, MSTed and revered as an exemplary case of hackneyed sword and sorcery, but this is the unaltered first version, brought online by an unknown benefactor.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2002-09-02 01:07pm

No, the sad thing is that I've read letters that have been very similar to those. Mind you, they have never been quite so bad, or self-contradictory, but they have all been unbelievably stupid. One of the essays I once had to read when I was still working at a school consisted of thus:

"My favorite book in history was Old yeller. It was such a good book. I think it was about a dog.

I had a dog once. He was real mean. He killed thirteen cats, two dogs, and a swan. In the end, they had to kill him, too. Just like they killed Old Yeller. I was very sad, for a couple of hours, but then my parents got me a new dog, and everything was okay. That dog isnt as mean. And she can even do better tricks than the old dog (who had to be killed like Old Yellr). Because she is a smart dog.

In conclusion, the book was really good."

That was a High School student.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2002-09-02 01:41pm

That novel would be a classic!

Vertigo1 · Post by **Vertigo1** » 2002-09-02 07:59pm

Master of Ossus wrote:That was a High School student.

PLEASE tell me you're joking! I've written better ones when I was in the sixth grade!

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2002-09-02 08:21pm

Vertigo1 wrote:
Master of Ossus wrote:That was a High School student.
PLEASE tell me you're joking! I've written better ones when I was in the sixth grade!

Unfortunately no. That was about the time when I lost all remaining faith in the American education system, and I've never quite been able to forget that Freshman's essay. They had fifty minutes in class to compose and write an essay, and that was the best that student came up with. I keep a copy of it to this day, and it was hard to leave the typos in while I was transcribing it for you guys to laugh at.

Incidentally, I'm sure that a gifted first grader could write a better essay, and certainly an average student in Junior High could. The fact that a Freshman wrote that stunned the whole department for a few weeks (we passed it around, laughing hysterically at first and then realizing how terrible it was). Eventually we had to ask the lower grade level schools around us to start increasing the amount of time spent on English and Writing, but I quit before the results started taking effect (for that, and other reasons).

Rathark · Post by **Rathark** » 2002-09-03 12:42am

The article was largely inspired by listening to SF fans / writers / editors at science fiction conventions, particularly in regards to embarrasing experiences in reading cover letters or trying to get their own works published. It was also inspired by my own attempts to get published when I was still a hack, and had only written (and re-written) the first few chapters of my novel.

My own reading choices have usually veered towards SF and unconventional fantasy (ten years ago it was Clive Barker and Jonathan Carrol, now it's James Stoddard and China Mielville). I have yet to read Robert Jordan, but I have heard much about how swiftly his series plummeted after volume 4 or 5. Perhaps the first 4 are still worth reading by the sound of things. I enjoyed The Night's Dawn Trilogy and the Otherland series, so the length alone shouldn't be a problem.

Lusankya · Post by **Lusankya** » 2002-09-03 11:07am

My own reading choices have usually veered towards SF and unconventional fantasy (ten years ago it was Clive Barker and Jonathan Carrol, now it's James Stoddard and China Mielville). I have yet to read Robert Jordan, but I have heard much about how swiftly his series plummeted after volume 4 or 5. Perhaps the first 4 are still worth reading by the sound of things. I enjoyed The Night's Dawn Trilogy and the Otherland series, so the length alone shouldn't be a problem.

Never ever EVER EVER start reading Robert Jordan. One of my "friends" lent me the first book, and I read it. It and the next few books, and then they started getting bad. But I couldn't stop reading them! I was addicted! It's awful!

Robert Jordan is evil.

On a bright note, though, Terry Brooks is alright if you like that kind of fantasy.[/b]

General Trelane (Retired) · Post by **General Trelane (Retired)** » 2002-09-03 12:44pm

Totally agree with the take on Robert Jordan; he had an excellent start to the Wheel of Time, but now it's just gone on and on and on...when will it end? I will probably read it to the end simply because I've already invested too much time in it not to do so. I just hope he doesn't decide to end it simply for the sake of ending it (which seems to describe the majority of ST:TNG episodes).

I have to admit that I am prone to skim-reading through the typical flowery descriptions that serve to increase the page count of most books. The exception: Steven Brust's The Pheonix Guards and its sequel Five Hundred Years After. I would highly recommend these books (even though they're fantasy--not sci fi).

Eleas · Post by **Eleas** » 2002-09-03 05:59pm

Lusankya wrote: Never ever EVER EVER start reading Robert Jordan. One of my "friends" lent me the first book, and I read it. It and the next few books, and then they started getting bad. But I couldn't stop reading them! I was addicted! It's awful!

Robert Jordan is evil.

I agree completely. Jordan and Kube-McDowell share the dubious honor of being the worst authors I've ever had the displeasure of spitting upon. The WoT books are the most perfect example of American College-boy Xena the Warrior Princess PC Tolkien Imitation Crapitude around. They should be exempt from the law of free print. They should be burned on the streets. They should be purged from the collective memory of humanity with psychotropic drugs... and then urinated upon. Yeah. *slowly winds down*

On a bright note, though, Terry Brooks is alright if you like that kind of fantasy.[/b]

Well, Brooks is okay when he's not writing his Shannara books, I'm sure. But those are pretty awful.