My thoughts on masturbation and stuff

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 06:40pm

Yeah, I made a quick list of my thoughts on masturbation and what not. I like to write them down as I think of them. Feel free to add to the list.

"When I'm getting oral sex, I like to study the victim--I mean, partner--so I can use the image later on when I masturbate. I figure that it's a great mental picture that I can get a lot of mileage out of." --Came up with that one during my last session of oral sex.

"When you're masturbating, there's no such thing as premature ejaculation. It's called efficiency." Thought this one up as I used the shower to whack off in. Had plenty of hot water left afterwards too.

"Wet dreams are just God wacking you off. He does it for you if you don't do it yourself. That sperm is gonna come out one way or another." --Made this one up for all the Mormons that think whacking off will send them to hell or something.

"I don't trust a man who uses his imagination when masturbating. Not in this day and age of videocassettes."--I already used this one and someone even made it into a quote.

"If you spent as much time on Spanish as you did on your penis when you were 14, you'd speak Spanish fluently." --Tried to learn Spanish... Didn't learn it...

God gave us digits on the hand, an arm long enough to reach the genitalia, and the ability to produce 7 billion sperm a day. Plus, he recently invented pornography. No doubt he anticipated that we'd go for the junk." --More thoughts on God and whacking it.

Ok, I will have some more as I write them down.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-05-15 06:43pm

as you seem to come up with these while masturbating or engaging other sexual activities, please do not write them down a you think of them.

theski · Post by **theski** » 2003-05-15 06:43pm

**shakes head again and again** "I can't believe I read that whole post"

I'll never get that time back

Darth Garden Gnome · Post by **Darth Garden Gnome** » 2003-05-15 06:46pm

*grumbles* Well that was stupid...Might as well use this thread for a greater purpose...

MATRIX RULES!

*runs away*

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 06:47pm

Ah yes, my pupils! Bask in the glow of my genius! *laughs diabolically*

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-05-15 06:51pm

Here's a couple things I learned at work

Falling out of bed while masturbating will result in a sprained wrist

Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

That is all, carry on...

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-05-15 06:53pm

aerius wrote:Here's a couple things I learned at work

Falling out of bed while masturbating will result in a sprained wrist

Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

That is all, carry on...

WTF kinda work do you do?

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 06:58pm

Hmmm... Writing those down...

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-05-15 06:58pm

innerbrat wrote:WTF kinda work do you do?

I learned all that and more from screening various videos at Canada Customs. Yes, I was paid to sort a daily quota of ~150 parcels and watch porn the rest of the day. Thank you government of Canada.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 07:04pm

aerius, I am so jealous of you. Where can I sign up?

Ted · Post by **Ted** » 2003-05-15 07:05pm

aerius wrote:Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

You finger your ass?

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 07:10pm

Which brings me to another one of my quotes...

"What is the ultimate control? The buttlove. When your penis is in someone's ass, the answer to every question is 'yes.'"

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2003-05-15 07:10pm

Ted wrote:
aerius wrote:Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

You finger your ass?

I know about picking your nose but picking your ass thats wierd.

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 07:11pm

And after you finger your ass do you, by any chance, smell your fingers?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-05-15 07:14pm

Ted wrote:
aerius wrote:Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

You finger your ass?

Oh goddammit, I shook his hand when we met at the movie theatre! I think you did too!

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-05-15 07:16pm

No I don't finger my own ass you assclowns, I saw the ass fingering thing on an amateur porn video I screened at Customs. In the video, a bunch of guys were having a gay orgy in bed and one guy was perched near the edge fingering his ass and doing some other stuff. Somehow he got knocked off the bed and he fell ass first on the floor with his own finger stuck up his bunghole, you fill in the rest with your imagination.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-05-15 07:17pm

aerius wrote:Here's a couple things I learned at work

Falling out of bed while masturbating will result in a sprained wrist

Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

That is all, carry on...

*Turns around and promptly walks back out of the thread*

thecreech · Post by **thecreech** » 2003-05-15 07:22pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:
aerius wrote:Here's a couple things I learned at work

Falling out of bed while masturbating will result in a sprained wrist

Falling out of bed while fingering your own ass is something you don't want to contemplate.

That is all, carry on...
*Turns around and promptly walks back out of the thread*

*Walks in right after sea skimmer and walks right back out behind him*

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-05-15 07:27pm

*walks into thread, rips a smelly one, and stays...*

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-05-15 07:31pm

Oy vey...

*holds head in hands*

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-05-15 07:34pm

my thoughts are that i like masturbating.

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2003-05-15 08:43pm

Dalton wrote:Oy vey...

*holds head in hands*

I'm going to play the role of the perv and ask, "Which head?"

Next of Kin · Post by **Next of Kin** » 2003-05-15 08:52pm

theski wrote:**shakes head again and again** "I can't believe I read that whole post"

I'll never get that time back

That's 45 seconds that are gone forever!

Raoul Duke, Jr. · Post by **Raoul Duke, Jr.** » 2003-05-15 08:57pm

aerius wrote:No I don't finger my own ass you assclowns, I saw the ass fingering thing on an amateur porn video I screened at Customs. In the video, a bunch of guys were having a gay orgy in bed and one guy was perched near the edge fingering his ass and doing some other stuff. Somehow he got knocked off the bed and he fell ass first on the floor with his own finger stuck up his bunghole, you fill in the rest with your imagination.

Don't ask me to abuse my imagination like that.

Nathan F · Post by **Nathan F** » 2003-05-15 08:58pm

Hmm... Superman strikes me as the fellow who brags about getting some all the time, but that is all it is, unsubstantiated bragging.