Harlan Williams on Conan.

[Bug-Eyed Earl]

This was perhaps the most bizarre interview I've ever seen on Conan. I knew it was going to be crazy, so I recorded it, and thought it was worth transcribing

(First few sentences missed)
CONAN O'BRIEN: Yeah, this is a real treat for you.
HARLAN WILLIAMS: A real treat. I'm here in the middle of, what is it, level orange that we're at?
CONAN: We're at code orange, I guess.
HARLAN: You know what it is for me, Code Orange is not only a state of preparedness, but its also what I call your hairstyle.
CONAN: Oh, really? You think this is Code Orange? Why?
HARLAN: Well, cause you got like your red hair and its standing up, like, alert, and on (audience laughs.) Instead of getting duct tape together they should just hand out Conan O'Brien wigs, and kids could put em on and hide under school desks
CONAN: That's a good idea.
HARLAN: I don't know what I got, but I got it.
CONAN: so, do you have a problem with anything else going on here(puts hands on face), or do you think Conan O'Brien's looking OK?
HARLAN: I'm a little jealous of your chin.
CONAN: My chin?
HARLAN: Well, because you've got one(rubs chin). I mean look at this, man. I'll never play the violin, man. You could play the cello, man.
CONAN: Yeah, me, I could get right in there.
HARLAN: I got no chin- when I drool, it goes right down into my underpants.
CONAN: How terrible for you.
HARLAN: I tried to give like an Italian guy the fungula. the other day.
CONAN: Yeah, that's how they swear at each other (NOTE:they seem to be referring to when you put you fingers under your chin and then flick them out).
HARLAN:And I got no chin, and it went right in my eye.
CONAN: Well, don't do that anymore.
HARLAN: Yeah, no fungula for me.
CONAN: You, I've talked to many times, I know about your life, you're from Canada-(audience members cheer)- well, there you go. Now, you';re living in Los Angeles. How are you handling the transition-a Canadian living in L.A? Is it difficult?
HARLAN: It's kinda tropical there. You got your coconut trees and your pineapple shrubs-
CONAN: (laughing)There's not a pineapple shrub.
HARLAN: Isn't there pineapple there?
CONAN: No, there's not a pineapple shrub. What are you talking about? Where's my dictionary?
HARLAN: Maybe that's why that old lady said "Stop spraying whipped cream on my bushes, you bastard!"
CONAN: (after prolonged laughter) You say the dumbest things(continues cracking up)! Now, so, but is it a hard transition. You say it's tropical. I mean, you're not used ot that in Canada.
HARLAN: Well, what happens is you get critters in your house. A lot of spiders and ants and creatures. And you go to sleep. The other night I could feel things crawling in my bed. So I flick on the light and there's Barry Manilow and David Hasselhoff.
CONAN:(after more laughter) Even you're enjoying that one.
HARLAN: Yeah, that one was a... a Double...uh...
CONAN: Double Whammy there
HARLAN: No.
CONAN: Sorry.
HARLAN: Double Swedish Treat, is what I was going to say.
CONAN: Now, the Oscars have been announced.
HARLAN: Yeah.
CONAN: You're in show business. What's your take on this Oscar thing?
HARLAN: I don't know. About everyone's going nuts for "Harry Potter" and "Harry Potter's Twin Towers."
CONAN: Do you like the "Harry Potter" movies?
HARLAN: No, everything's wizardly now. Even like, Hans Blix and Boutros Boutros Gali-Gali... (seems to trail off) But what I'm getting at, Conan-
CONAN: Yeah, if you could tell me what you're getting at we'd all be thrilled.
HARLAN: Well, everything's becoming magical and wizardly now. Like the other day I woke up and thought I was a magical wizard. Here's what happened. I was over at the mall just wandering around and I had to do a tinkle. So I went into the mens room to do a tinkle. I don't know if you or any of the fellas in the crowd are in the middle of doing a tinkle and all of a sudden some of that weird mysterious underwear lint gets stuck in the eye of the cyclops- (huge burst of laughter)- and I went to do a tinkle and two of 'em came out! I thought it was a magical wizard, man! I thought I had Harry Potter penis!
CONAN:(amidst laughter and laughing himself) what are you talking about?
HARLAN: Come on, you ever done-
CONAN: NO! I'm not gonna- even if that happened, I'm not gonna go "Yeah! That happened!" That's insane! I'm not gonna talk about my Harry Potter tinkle penis! It's crazy! You're a crazy man!
HARLAN: It's nutty-nutty-nutty-McFudgy stuff.
CONAN: What?
HARLAN: Well, you just said crazy, which is-
CONAN: No, your trolley went off the tracks. Mine was on the tracks. You're an insane person.
HARLAN: I love all the stars here. Every night when I watch your show I look at all the little speckles in the sky. And if you suint just right, just right, it a;lmost looks like thjose cute little dots on Morgan Freeman's face. (Huge laughter) Those cute little dots he has.
CONAN: Those are lovable dots. That's what they're like for you? So your viewing experience is very different form everyone else's.
HARLAN: Well you asked me about movies.
CONAN: Yeah, I guess this is all my fault. I said "How are the Oscar picks" And next we're looming at Morgan Freeman's face in the sky. That means I'm cuckoo, huh?
HARLAN: How dare you rape me with your lunges.
CONAN: (Cracking up) I didn't lunge at you.
HARLAN: He just lunged at me! It's like I was here talking to Cujo or something.
CONAN: This Friday Harlan's going to be performing at the University of Florida, and Feb 20-23rd- I did not rape you-will be at Cobb's CoOmedy Club in San Francisco. You know what, it's seriously, I always just thoroughly enjoy it, always really funny. Harlan Williams.