Serious Question: How do you break up an engagement?

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2003-08-10 04:55am

I dont care if anybody thinks I’m a terrible person for trying to do this. If trying to stop my friend from making a terrible mistake makes me a bad person, then so be it.

Ok, here is the situation.

Within this past week, I have gotten back in touch with a friend of mine who I haven’t talked too since before last Christmas. Since that time, her boyfriend cheated on her and they broke up, she met someone new and has gotten engaged to that person. The person, who her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with, is also the ex-girlfriend of her current fiancé, and now she (the ex-girlfriend) wants to get back together with my friends fiancé.

I have known my friends for five years, and we are still pretty good friends. I pretty much know how she thinks, and can tell how she feels. She is the type of girl who follows her heart more then her head, and will stick with a decision even if she regrets it later (which has happened before). She concerns herself with other people’s feelings more then her own, and would place the happiness of others above her own.

Now here is the problem: my friend’s fiancé sounds like a complete and total asshole and I believe she is making the biggest mistake of her life. I have never met this guy and have no intention of doing so, but we have talked every day since she told me about her engagement, and she is completely miserable. She and her fiancé are constantly fighting and bickering and I have never seen her so angry and upset before. She was even reluctant to tell me about the engagement in the first place. When my cousins and friends got engaged, they were very happy, and couldn’t stop talking about it… With her, when she told me she was engaged, it was more like an interrogation then anything else; I practically pry the information from her.

She is a very sweet, kind, gentle person, and also very fragile, and I don’t want to see her hurt. I believe that the only reason that she agreed to marry this person is because she was still upset over her breakup with her ex, and was looking for stability. Again, she thinks more with her heart then with her head… I honestly think that she believes the happiness and love will come later.

I have recommended that they speak to a therapist to resolve their constant fighting, and her fiancé refuses to participate. I then recommended to my friend that she go alone to speak to someone, again her fiancé will not allow her to do so. He is trying to take control over her life, for example by telling her what doctors she can see and even going so far as to ban her from seeing any of her male friends. She complies because she doesn’t want to make him mad.

If that wasn’t enough, he is constantly playing with her emotions. They will be in a fight one moment and she will be about to leave and the next he is telling her that he loves her so much, and can’t live without her, and they will beautiful children and a wonderful life and all that crap. These are the kinds of things she wants to hear because all she wants is to be loved. I think he is outright manipulating her and her emotions.

I suggested that she break off this marriage because she is so miserable, but she won’t because she said she has already made a commitment and has to see it through. She hasn’t told her family or her friends about these problems, and I seem to be the only one she has confided in. As such, I feel it’s my obligation to convince her that marrying this guy will a big mistake and bring her nothing but misery. Normally I try not to interfere with my friend’s lives; I would give them my opinion if they asked for it and leave it at that. I let people live their lives they way they want to live them for good or for bad. However, with this situation, I see nothing but trouble and problems for her in the future. I care too much for my friend to do nothing.

Any suggestions on how to break them up???

Post by **Mr Bean** » 2003-08-10 05:05am

(T-800 mode on)
Clearly the best method is to terminate the offending male in this situation

(/off)

Best way of doing this is simply figuring out a way to keep a goodly distance between the male and female her or prehaps involving law enfocerment

Nothing says forget you like finding out the person your married to is being invetigated for child molestation(Just an example) (As I have yet to meet a female who does not get all rilled up and demanding blood when meeting such a person)

If you want to go all out get yourself a private invesgitator or similar, most people have done something wrong somewhere in their life and its your duity as a loyal citizin of your nation to report his finding is it not?

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-08-10 05:08am

Man... I think there is really only one thing you can do. Just sit her down, make your case and hope for the best. Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't control other people and that they themselves have to learn from their own mistakes. I don't know anything else you can do.

otter · Post by **otter** » 2003-08-10 05:17am

How old are these people that are engaged? I'm guessing under 25.

If so they need to break it off and do some deep thinking and reflection.

Wait until they're at least 30 before making the big committment.

Frank Hipper · Post by **Frank Hipper** » 2003-08-10 05:18am

Superman wrote:Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't control other people and that they themselves have to learn from their own mistakes. I don't know anything else you can do.

He's absolutely right. You could keep working on her, and try telling her what you told us(maybe worded a little differently), but it's a tough situation, for both of you.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-08-10 05:44am

While I'd recommend just letting things be, the coolest way to break it off would be to make her fall in love with you.

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-08-10 06:53am

I think you should kill him.

But realistically, I wish I knew why women were scuh irrational feeling-driven fools. Then I could stop being one, or at least stop my friends from making terrible choices.

Th eonly way I know of to get a woman to think straight is to get her a bloke who treats her right. Unfortunately, she doesn't want one.

What I think you should do is be her friend, and catch her when it all goes horribly wrong and she realsies what a big mistake she's made. Do you think she's in any actaul danger with him?

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2003-08-10 03:22pm

innerbrat wrote:I think you should kill him.

But realistically, I wish I knew why women were scuh irrational feeling-driven fools. Then I could stop being one, or at least stop my friends from making terrible choices.

Th eonly way I know of to get a woman to think straight is to get her a bloke who treats her right. Unfortunately, she doesn't want one.

What I think you should do is be her friend, and catch her when it all goes horribly wrong and she realsies what a big mistake she's made. Do you think she's in any actaul danger with him?

It doesn't matter. If he's telling her where to go, who to see, and what to do, then after the wedding it will only get worse. This kind of manipulation leads to spousal abuse, whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical doesn't matter. She's in danger.
Get You Friend Away From Him NOW.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-08-10 08:39pm

If you do anything more than offer your view on things and hope she sees your points, you will be doing the same thing he is doing--controlling her so she doesn't think for herself. Explain every single thing you just explained here, try to drill into her head how worried you are about her, but then you must leave it up to her. Otherwise you're as bad as he is.

Illuminatus Primus · Post by **Illuminatus Primus** » 2003-08-10 08:43pm

innerbrat wrote:But realistically, I wish I knew why women were scuh irrational feeling-driven fools. Then I could stop being one, or at least stop my friends from making terrible choices.

God don't I know it.

I wish someone would stop Ashley from pushing me away because I got too close and she's afraid because of things that have happened to her.

She waits until it gets fucking perfect and then she starts causing fights because she has to sabotage things. Fuck why?

Striderteen · Post by **Striderteen** » 2003-08-10 09:10pm

The most effective trick would be to see if you can get your hands on a copy of his criminal record...best way to do that is to hire a PI. While you're at it, run his name through the local PD's public sex offender file; unlikely to get a hit, but it's free and worth a try.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-08-10 09:50pm

Mr Bean wrote:(T-800 mode on)
Clearly the best method is to terminate the offending male in this situation

(/off)

But seriously Macross, talk to her, get her to see the problem logically.

RedImperator · Post by **RedImperator** » 2003-08-10 10:51pm

Tell her what you think, and let her know you're there for her--and then brace yourself to watch her fuck up anyway. When people set their minds on ruining their lives, there's not much you can do but stand clear and make sure you don't go down with them.

I wish I wasn't speaking from experience, but I am.

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2003-08-10 10:58pm

Thanks everybody for the advice.

To make matters worse, we were talking yesterday, right after I posted this thread, and she said that he wanted to elope. The conversation abruptly ended because he had just arrived at her appartment. She lives in Philidelphia while he lives in Boston, and I live somewhere in the middle. I just hope she hasnt done anything stupid, and that she is safe...

And Zaia, your concerns are the same as mine. I worry that I too am trying to control her life. But I only have her best interests at heart. He wants to control her for his own selfish needs and desires. We both have differant intentions, but would be doing it through the same means... Does that mean we are still the same? I wish I knew.

Post by **Zaia** » 2003-08-10 11:18pm

Macross wrote:And Zaia, your concerns are the same as mine. I worry that I too am trying to control her life. But I only have her best interests at heart. He wants to control her for his own selfish needs and desires. We both have differant intentions, but would be doing it through the same means... Does that mean we are still the same? I wish I knew.

No, I don't think you are the same as him. I didn't mean that. I just wanted to bring up that point to make sure that, no matter how many good intentions you have, you must acknowledge the fact that she's an adult (I hope) and, for better or worse, is able to make decisions for herself. It's hard, especially when you're sure that your friend is making a mistake--believe me, I'm in a similar situation with a friend of mine--but the most you can do is to explain your views and then let your friend know that you will be there no matter how things turn out.

And Tevar's right, you need to watch for the possibility of abuse--as closely as you can from the distance you are physically from the situation, anyway. Is there anyone you are both friends with who lives around Philly who could watch out for signs of abuse, since you live far away and don't see her on a regular basis?

Post by **Edi** » 2003-08-11 07:05am

The guy she's with is an abuser, no two questions about it. Be her friend, be there for her, and make damned fucking sure that you aren't just cut off from her, which is quite possibly what he will try to convince her to do. She's going to end up a mess, and when that happens, she's going to need your (and everybody else's who cares) help to get through it. It might take a long while or a short one, depending on how bad things are, but it's amazing how long that kind of thing can be dragged out. I have one friend who took two years to get out of an abusive relationship, and that was with several people supporting her and encouraging her to dump the fucker (whom I met just once and instantly wanted to smash his face in).

The problem is that victims often defend their abusers because they have become to some degree emotionally dependent on the abuser's approval and see a future in a relationship that is nothing but destructive, so you have an uphill war to wage. Not a battle, not a single skirmish, but a long, hard, protracted campaign with more defeats than victories and nothing but suffering until the whole mess is done and solved, and even then you will possibly have to be on the lookout for a relapse.

Edi

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2003-08-22 03:27am

Sorry for reviving this old thread, but some events have happened recently concerning this situation, and I didnt want to open a new thread...

Anyway, I seemed to have been succesful in convincing my friend that this marriage was a bad idea. She and her fiance were talking on the phone, and she started talking about seperating... He then threatens to kill himself if she leaves him, and then cuts his wrists open.

Well hes in the hospital recovering, shes back in Boston at his side. Plus another one of her male friends just admitted to her to having feelings for her and sent her a bus ticket to be with him in Canada... Shes spaced out and doesnt know what to do.

I told her to talk to the doctors and therapists at the hospital and let them help her and him, but he still refuses to see a therapist...despite trying to kill himself.

If anyone needs a therapist its him.

Honestly, I think now would be the best time for her to leave him, while he is still in the hospital where he can get some serious medical attention. To me, this incident proved just how dangerous and unstable this guy really is. Hes going to be in the hospital for a few more days, and her bus ticket for Canada is for Saturday...so there is not a whole lot of time for her to make a decision... I think she needs to leave Boston, forget Canada for now, and go home and put everything behind her...

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-08-22 03:40am

Anyone who does not respect the value of his own life cannot be trusted to respect the value of other peoples' lives either. This is the kind of ass-clown who might someday go ballistic and end up in the newspapers for killing himself or somebody else someday. Tell her to get the fuck away from him NOW.

His Divine Shadow · Post by **His Divine Shadow** » 2003-08-22 04:01am

Macross wrote:Any suggestions on how to break them up???

Crowbar, beat up guy, threaten his life, drug him and send him to south america without any money or ID or anything, leave him there.

His Divine Shadow · Post by **His Divine Shadow** » 2003-08-22 04:06am

Macross wrote:Well hes in the hospital recovering, shes back in Boston at his side. Plus another one of her male friends just admitted to her to having feelings for her and sent her a bus ticket to be with him in Canada... Shes spaced out and doesnt know what to do

Go to Canada, it has to be better than that shithead.

I told her to talk to the doctors and therapists at the hospital and let them help her and him, but he still refuses to see a therapist...despite trying to kill himself. If anyone needs a therapist its him.

What he needs is a posion injection.

Crayz9000 · Post by **Crayz9000** » 2003-08-22 04:21am

His Divine Shadow wrote:What he needs is a posion injection.

Casually swapping IV bags usually does the trick.

Chardok · Post by **Chardok** » 2003-08-22 08:48am

That is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard. Killing yourself over a woman. Not that she isn't worth it. But the guy is OBVIOUSLY a manipulator and not worht your friend's time. This is going to sound cold and heartless, but if I have a feel at all for the people on this BBS I think they will agree with me.

The girl should leave him, and LET HIM KILL HIMSELF. How did he get to the hospital the first time? It is my guess he cut his wrists and called his mommy or something so SHE could call the ambulance and get his sorry ass to the hospital. If he REALLY wanted to kill himself, I mean REALLY wanted to die, he would have made it happen, None of that lame, wrist-cutting bullshit. But, If he REALLY WILL kill himself if she leaves him. She should leave him. She needs to realize the blood is not on her hands, it's his own stupid decisioun to take that action, and quite frankly, The gene pool and society as a whole will be better off without him. That's natural selection at it most primal right there. there are ALWAYS avenues you can take long before suicide is the "Only" Option.

I actually have a much harsher view of suicide, but I hesitate to post it for fear of people on the BBS perhaps having friends who have taken this final step, and hurting their feelings. I speak from experience, I once attempted suicide, (but not over a girl), and looking back, I realize how incredibly (sp?) stupid, inconsiderate, and selfish it was, so here I am, A little older, a little wiser, and definately Prettier!
:looks in the mirror to adjust that ONE hair thats out of place :
HOO HAH! MAN I'M PRETTY!

InnerBrat · Post by **InnerBrat** » 2003-08-22 11:16am

This sounds familar.

Don't let your friend get a bunny, whatever you do.

Serously, get her the fuck away from him. he's an attenting seeking manipulative bastard.

LordShaithis · Post by **LordShaithis** » 2003-08-22 02:39pm

Play both ends of the stick: Heartfelt talks with the girl, and dirty tricks against the guy, assuming she isn't already bailing out. Can you afford a detective?

Straha · Post by **Straha** » 2003-08-22 03:48pm

Here's what you tell her to to tell him "No therapy and I go to canada never to see you again, we go to therapy together, we work things out, and then we decide later if we will get married or not." On the other hand she could just send him to therapy and take the trip to canada anyway.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Serious Question: How do you break up an engagement?

Serious Question: How do you break up an engagement?

Re: Serious Question: How do you break up an engagement?