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Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

Drach wrote:I
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

I can't say that I'd recomend Cracker Barrel's biscuits and gravy. The one time I had them they weren't very good.

Dumbfuck arrogant Easterners. Southern California is as far south as you are, yet you lay claim to an entire cardinal direction as your own.

Yes, I know its a joke. However, the arrogance is not.

Drach wrote: 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

mmm...waffle house *drools*

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

Damn right!

Howedar wrote:Dumbfuck arrogant Easterners. Southern California is as far south as you are, yet you lay claim to an entire cardinal direction as your own.

Yes, I know its a joke. However, the arrogance is not.

Southern California types defined as Southerners ... now I've heard it all.

• Sugar on grits? Blasphemy!
  
  Sometimes use the term "soda," but I have been in the military and away from my homeland for many a year...
  
  Add to that extensive list that college football is all but a religion in the South, and Yankees badmouth a football team (or popular coach -- dead or living) at their peril.
  
  Oh, and it's not a good idea to walk into a bar with a NY Yankees jacket or cap -- a Puerto Rican friend of mine did that in Alabama years ago, and the looks he got curdled his blood.

...and finally:

ROLL TIDE!
Auburn sucks.

Drach wrote:Southern Tourism Bureau

Ha, that's rich.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

Maybe you wouldn't get so many laughs if you didn't use such ridiculous fucking names.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner).

Bullshit. You can make a much larger list of non-southern intellectuals, if only because there are more non-southerners than southerners.

We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.

Back this claim up. And if you're nicer, why do you want to kick our asses?

We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

The term "carpetbagger" was invented to describe this exact phenomenon (northerners coming to the south to run for office). It's happened more than once.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

Why would you want the south to have won the civil war?

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

Why would I eat grits? And is god like Al Gore, claiming to do a bunch of things he had no hand in?

9) Don't fake a Southern accent.

I wouldn't want to.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

DC isn't "northern".

We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.

Bullshit. You talk that way because your parents and community members talked that way when you were growing up. Want's got nothing to do with it.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Oh yes, because cities are the devil.

The entire thing is pointless though; no one in their right mind would take a vacation to the south, unless they were visiting family. There's nothing to see there that you can't see someplace better, and there's plenty there to avoid seeing.

Robert Treder wrote:
The term "carpetbagger" was invented to describe this exact phenomenon (northerners coming to the south to run for office). It's happened more than once.

The only pleasure I take in Shillary is knowing that we got to do it first to a much larger number of states for a much longer period of time.

Drach wrote:Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

I've been to Florida and ordered filet mignon. I don't recall anyone attacking me for it.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

That's because you're sensitive about those stupid names. You can't take somebody seriously when his name is Billy Joe and you know it.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

Why do Southerners think that a bunch of slavocrats should have run the Civil War? And as long as we're on the subject, you forgot one sure-fire way to get your ass kicked in the South: be a black man and take a long look at a white woman.

Is there a similar list for Southerners coming to The North?

Yeesh, its a joke people. Don't take it so literally

All very true, listen bitches.

Little thing I'd like to add, there is one exeption to #3 in Texas. In Texas its all coke unless its Dr. Pepper.

Drach wrote:Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites.
*snip*

Hehe Good one.

I've heard something simmilar to this, escept it was for south dakota.

And as long as we're on the subject, you forgot one sure-fire way to get your ass kicked in the South: be a black man and take a long look at a white woman.

And while we're on that subject, one of my best friends is a black guy. I know he's dated and slept with white women, I don't seem to recall kicking his ass for it, or being bothered by it in the least

Sugar on grits? Do you pour sugar on your corn? Ew. *shudder*

Red eye gravy, butter and cheese are all that need to go on grits.

Don't worry, I have no intention of going south, unless I have to on business. Then, hopefully, I'll be right back north to my nice safe sophisticated city where I can eat my sushi, have discussions about Kantian philosophy, and bitch about those rednecks and get haughty chuckles rather than a face full of buckshot.

Drach wrote:<snip>

16. Be white.

Here's a tip for people visiting Texas NEVER EVER insult anything that has to do whith the Texas revolution or we will stuff your cock'n'balls in your mouth while they are still attached

Drach wrote:5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

Do you consider Enron a "small lapse in judgment"?

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Its just as humid in Illinois and other mid-western states. You don't have a monopoly on it.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

That must be why Houston is pretty much tied with L.A. for worst air in the country.

Drach wrote: 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

No can do. I always say "give my a sprite or 7-up".... I don't like colas, so I'll never say coke no matter how many Billy-Bobs are whoop'n my ass.

I thought that the next state further South than New Jersey was Florida. Damn my lack of geographic knowledge. That happens alot when you live in the greatest city in the world. *shrug*

Stravo wrote:I thought that the next state further South than New Jersey was Florida. Damn my lack of geographic knowledge. That happens alot when you live in the greatest city in the world. *shrug*

My parents have a poster hanging in their living room titled "The World According to a New Yorker." There's 92nd street, then further back, there's Queens, then Jersey. Texas is an island somewhere in the back, and then you've got China behind that.

Kelly Antilles wrote:Sugar on grits? Do you pour sugar on your corn? Ew. *shudder*

Red eye gravy, butter and cheese are all that need to go on grits.

That actually sounds like a very nice meal for a cold winter morning...

Grits...hmmmmm. I don't trust anything that can be affected that much just by what you put on it.

Lt. Dan wrote:Grits...hmmmmm. I don't trust anything that can be affected that much just by what you put on it.

Then again look at them...it's the Tabula Rasa of food.

Going to those states aren't too bad except the heat...certainly some good food in terms of fattiness(though I have yet to venture for a Deep Fried Spare rib)