Speaking of Tombstone (longish)
Posted: 2003-08-22 02:57pm
Our comp instructor asked us to whip out a page and a half comparing either two technical articles, or the movies Wyatt Earp and Tombstone. I chose the latter and here it is:
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There are many possible standards by which the films Tombstone and Wyatt Earp could be compared. The historical accuracy or overall quality of each are the obvious examples, but a worthwhile comparison by such standard would be hard-pressed to fit within a page and a half. Personally, I have decided to compare the relative merits of the respective casts, using my own unique mathematical standard. Let me get it out of the way right now: Tombstone stomps Wyatt Earp by a score of 3,800 to negative 16,002,998,500. That's right, I rate the cast of Wyatt Earp as being worth over sixteen billion points less than zero. Allow me to explain.
First, let's have a look at the respective stars. Tombstone features the always-likeable Kurt Russell as Earp. Russell may not be a star of Mel Gibson caliber, but he has the sort of flinty demeanor that suits a role like this. Also, I thought his movie Soldier was greatly underrated and deserved more respect than it received. Arbitrarty and silly, yes, but since this is my comparison, it counts. Kurt Russel is hereby judged to be worth 1,000 points.
Wyatt Earp, on the other hand, stars Kevin Costner. I have to ask, has Kevin Costner ever done anything good? I wasn't a big fan of Dances with Wolves, and that was his high-water mark. Speaking of water, need I mention Waterworld? Kevin Costner is hereby judged to be worth negative 1,000,000 points.
As Doc Holiday, Tombstone features the inimitable Val Kilmer. From helping to impersonate Jesus in Real Genius to screaming at a midget in Willow, Val Kilmer has always been entertaining. Furthermore, to the outrage of Michael Keaton cultists everywhere, I feel Kilmer was also the best Batman. On a more relevant note, he's much more appropriate for a sickly depressive soul like Doc Holiday than his Wyatt Earp counterpart. Out of everyone mentioned here, he's probably my favorite in terms of outright acting skills. Val Kilmer is hereby judged to be worth 1,500 points.
Dennis Quaid takes over as Doc Holiday in Wyatt Earp, and all I can do is shake my head. Mind you, I actually like Dennis Quaid. I think it was a good idea to put him in the movie. However, they stuck him in completely the wrong role. Quaid is best as the stereotypical "aw shucks" midwestern American, who goes to church and still thinks baseball is the national pastime. As a gunslinger troubled by his own unavoidable impending death, however... Who made this decision? Nevetheless, since's he a decent actor and I like him... Dennis Quaid is hereby judged to be worth 800 points. As the initial scores probably tell you, this is about as good as it gets for the Earp cast.
This takes care of our leads, but what about the supporting cast? Tombstone has the fine Bill Paxton playing Morgan Earp, and Paxton is one of those actors whom I find it impossible to dislike. We'll rate him at 500 points. Michael Biehn plays Johnny Ringo, and even though Biehn's career has been mostly crap whenever James Cameron wasn't involved, he's still worth 300 points just for having been in both Aliens and Terminator. Jason Priestly of Beverly Hills 90210 fame is also in there as the deputy, and while appearing on that show would normally be worth negative points, it's balanced by his appearance in the criminally underrated Eye of the Beholder with Ashley Judd, leaving him with a net score of zero. Charleton Heston makes an appearance as well, and automatically adds 500 points to the total score simply by virue of having once uttered the infamous "Damn dirty apes!" line. Thus... The supporting cast of Tombstone is hereby judged to be worth 1,300 points in total.
Meanwhile, among the supporting cast of Wyatt Earp... Well, if you thought Kevin Costner hurt it's score, just wait. Gene Hackman is one of the only bright spots here. Frankly, this guy was born to play gravelly old men in westerns. He was more fun in The Quick and the Dead, but he's still worth 700 points here. With him out of the way, however, it's all downhill. Linden Ashby, who plays Morgan Earp, is best known for having "portrayed" Johnny Cage in the movie Mortal Kombat. That's right, his biggest claim to fame was appearing in a movie based on a video game about ripping the heads off people. I deem him worth negative 2,000,000 points for this alone. Lastly we have Jeff Fahey, and there's a reason I saved him for last.
The best thing Jeff Fahey has ever done was Lawnmower Man, and I've taped over better movies than that one. Fahey has spent the bulk of his career appearing in such gems as Virtual Seduction and Lethal Tender, both of which sound like they typically play on Cinemax at three in the morning. But that's not all. Allow me to briefly list some of the other "credits" he boasts: Psycho III, The Serpent of Death, Sketch Artist II: The Hands that See, Darkman III: Die Darkman Die, Extramarital, and Operation Delta Force. Jeff Fahey is thus hereby judged to be worth negative 16,000,000,000 points, bringing the score for the supporting cast of Wyatt Earp down to... well... does it even matter at this point? May God have mercy on his soul!
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There are many possible standards by which the films Tombstone and Wyatt Earp could be compared. The historical accuracy or overall quality of each are the obvious examples, but a worthwhile comparison by such standard would be hard-pressed to fit within a page and a half. Personally, I have decided to compare the relative merits of the respective casts, using my own unique mathematical standard. Let me get it out of the way right now: Tombstone stomps Wyatt Earp by a score of 3,800 to negative 16,002,998,500. That's right, I rate the cast of Wyatt Earp as being worth over sixteen billion points less than zero. Allow me to explain.
First, let's have a look at the respective stars. Tombstone features the always-likeable Kurt Russell as Earp. Russell may not be a star of Mel Gibson caliber, but he has the sort of flinty demeanor that suits a role like this. Also, I thought his movie Soldier was greatly underrated and deserved more respect than it received. Arbitrarty and silly, yes, but since this is my comparison, it counts. Kurt Russel is hereby judged to be worth 1,000 points.
Wyatt Earp, on the other hand, stars Kevin Costner. I have to ask, has Kevin Costner ever done anything good? I wasn't a big fan of Dances with Wolves, and that was his high-water mark. Speaking of water, need I mention Waterworld? Kevin Costner is hereby judged to be worth negative 1,000,000 points.
As Doc Holiday, Tombstone features the inimitable Val Kilmer. From helping to impersonate Jesus in Real Genius to screaming at a midget in Willow, Val Kilmer has always been entertaining. Furthermore, to the outrage of Michael Keaton cultists everywhere, I feel Kilmer was also the best Batman. On a more relevant note, he's much more appropriate for a sickly depressive soul like Doc Holiday than his Wyatt Earp counterpart. Out of everyone mentioned here, he's probably my favorite in terms of outright acting skills. Val Kilmer is hereby judged to be worth 1,500 points.
Dennis Quaid takes over as Doc Holiday in Wyatt Earp, and all I can do is shake my head. Mind you, I actually like Dennis Quaid. I think it was a good idea to put him in the movie. However, they stuck him in completely the wrong role. Quaid is best as the stereotypical "aw shucks" midwestern American, who goes to church and still thinks baseball is the national pastime. As a gunslinger troubled by his own unavoidable impending death, however... Who made this decision? Nevetheless, since's he a decent actor and I like him... Dennis Quaid is hereby judged to be worth 800 points. As the initial scores probably tell you, this is about as good as it gets for the Earp cast.
This takes care of our leads, but what about the supporting cast? Tombstone has the fine Bill Paxton playing Morgan Earp, and Paxton is one of those actors whom I find it impossible to dislike. We'll rate him at 500 points. Michael Biehn plays Johnny Ringo, and even though Biehn's career has been mostly crap whenever James Cameron wasn't involved, he's still worth 300 points just for having been in both Aliens and Terminator. Jason Priestly of Beverly Hills 90210 fame is also in there as the deputy, and while appearing on that show would normally be worth negative points, it's balanced by his appearance in the criminally underrated Eye of the Beholder with Ashley Judd, leaving him with a net score of zero. Charleton Heston makes an appearance as well, and automatically adds 500 points to the total score simply by virue of having once uttered the infamous "Damn dirty apes!" line. Thus... The supporting cast of Tombstone is hereby judged to be worth 1,300 points in total.
Meanwhile, among the supporting cast of Wyatt Earp... Well, if you thought Kevin Costner hurt it's score, just wait. Gene Hackman is one of the only bright spots here. Frankly, this guy was born to play gravelly old men in westerns. He was more fun in The Quick and the Dead, but he's still worth 700 points here. With him out of the way, however, it's all downhill. Linden Ashby, who plays Morgan Earp, is best known for having "portrayed" Johnny Cage in the movie Mortal Kombat. That's right, his biggest claim to fame was appearing in a movie based on a video game about ripping the heads off people. I deem him worth negative 2,000,000 points for this alone. Lastly we have Jeff Fahey, and there's a reason I saved him for last.
The best thing Jeff Fahey has ever done was Lawnmower Man, and I've taped over better movies than that one. Fahey has spent the bulk of his career appearing in such gems as Virtual Seduction and Lethal Tender, both of which sound like they typically play on Cinemax at three in the morning. But that's not all. Allow me to briefly list some of the other "credits" he boasts: Psycho III, The Serpent of Death, Sketch Artist II: The Hands that See, Darkman III: Die Darkman Die, Extramarital, and Operation Delta Force. Jeff Fahey is thus hereby judged to be worth negative 16,000,000,000 points, bringing the score for the supporting cast of Wyatt Earp down to... well... does it even matter at this point? May God have mercy on his soul!