How do you get over a loss of a friend?

Enigma · Post by **Enigma** » 2003-08-22 10:40pm

As some of you already know, a good friend of mine died last Thursday night during the blackout. He lit a couple of candles in his sister's room because he knew his sister was afraid to sleep in the dark. He went to sleep and his sister and mother stayed outside with the neighbours. When she returned home she found that the upper level of the house was pouring out smoke. She ran in hoping to rescue her son. Unfortunately, she could not get to him and even the neighbours with their heroic efforts could not get to him.

At first when I heard that he died from the fire, I felt greatly saddened. I thought he was burned alive. I grieved. Though I had shed tears, I was unable to cry. Whenever I was about to cry, my defensive mechanism kicks in. I start to laugh.

Then I later learned that instead of being burnt alive, he died instead in his sleep of smoke inhilation. Though I still mourned his death, it made me feel a bit better that he didn't suffer.

But today, I found out from my good friend who was related to Michael (the friend who died), he said that he didn't die in his sleep. He had in fact woke up because of the lack of oxygen and desperately tried to find a way out before succumbing to the heat and smoke inhilation. He was soooooooo close to being able to escape. The firefighters found out later on, some finger marks around the door and doorknob. This has made me feel worse than before.

How does one get over it? How do you get over the death of a friend? This has never happened to me before. I've never lost a close friend until now.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-08-22 10:43pm

I lost a friend in university to a genetically inherited heart defect which could not be detected until it killed him (fat lot of good it does then, eh?)

The only thing that makes you feel better is the passage of time.

Saurencaerthai · Post by **Saurencaerthai** » 2003-08-22 10:45pm

Darth Wong wrote: The only thing that makes you feel better is the passage of time.

Agreed. I personally don't need a long time to get back to normal, however, it is true. I lost a friend Sophmore year in high school to brain cancer. Miss that guy...

GrandMasterTerwynn · Post by **GrandMasterTerwynn** » 2003-08-23 01:43am

Yes, about the only thing that can help one deal with the passage of a good friend is time, and very very large quantities of it.

I lost a onetime best friend of mine to a tragic auto accident eleven months ago. And let me tell you, there are still days where I can't help but think about her. And this is most of a year since it happened. So really, only a sufficient amount of time passed will help. How much time? I can't say, it probably varies from person to person, but it will probably take a fair bit of time.

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2003-08-23 01:21pm

I lost a good friend, Ian a few weeks ago. He was a delivery driver for a bakery and after making his usual deliveries he was driving home. 5 minutes up the road he turned purple, had a heartattack and died leaving behind his girlfriend and 4 year old son.

I was and still am gutted. At the time i wasn't speaking to him and my last words to him where not quite pleasent. It's funny how all the bad things vanish and all i can remember are the good things. How he helped me track down the guy who date raped my sister and how he listened to me when i was going through problems at hom. Most of all i remember the moonshine he made in his loft.

Death is so unfair because it happens to those who deserve it least.

Post by **Kuja** » 2003-08-23 05:20pm

Darth Wong wrote:The only thing that makes you feel better is the passage of time.

That's the truth.

Baron Scarpia · Post by **Baron Scarpia** » 2003-08-23 06:35pm

A good friend of mine died in a car accident two days after I graduated from highschool back in 1994. It was really a difficult summer for me, being 18 and never having faced the death of someone close to me before. When it's a young person (he was 17), it's especially hard, because you dwell on all the potential lost.

Yeah, time has to be the biggest healer. I still think about Geoff every day, even if just for a bit. But it's not painful anymore, as I remember the good times fondly and am thankful that he was a positive effect on me when he was around. Yes, I wish he were still around, if just for the sake of his parents. But I also acknowledge the experience did teach me a lot and I became a stronger, better person for having endured it.

Don't be afraid to remember, that's the best tribute you can pay your friend. Don't be afraid to let the pain diminish, either. A lot of people I know actually have difficulty when they feel less pain about such things over time, as if it is mattering less to them and they are not caring. That's not the case at all, as you learn that you can happily remember a person without experience the grief anymore.

Your friend wouldn't want you to grieve over him too long. He loved you, he would want you to be happy and free-spirited. So take the time to grieve now (you must), but know that in a while things will get less painful, and your going on with your life and not dwelling on grief would make your friend very happy.

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-08-24 10:31pm

Time, lots of it, and accepting that he's gone and moving on with your life. Remember him fondly but don't let those memories run your life. Death is something I've had to deal with too much, I've been to more funerals than weddings, it never gets easier, and if it did I'd worry, but in time, in time, I learn to accept, to cherish the memories, draw inspiration from them, and go on with my life.

TrailerParkJawa · Post by **TrailerParkJawa** » 2003-08-25 12:04am

Ive been lucky, none of my closest family or friends have died. But Im at the age now, where my friends parents are going to start passing on. I agree with the others, only time will help the hurt pass.