Just for kicks and giggles. Church related humor.
Posted: 2002-09-26 02:57pm
Church Ladies with Typewriters
Thank Heaven for church ladies with typewriters! These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for
attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell"
to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM.
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and
dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker
and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining,
superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
Thank Heaven for church ladies with typewriters! These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for
attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell"
to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood
donors for more transfusions She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM.
Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and
dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker
and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining,
superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
