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In case anyone can tell, I'm bored and don't feel like going out.

Anyone who's been through higher education has no doubt had one of those professors who is just full of great quotations, and we often find ourselves quoting them at cocktail parties or whatever other social events there are. So dig down in your memory and post some of your favorite professor quotes! These men and women are educating the segment of the population that is aiming for better things through education (except the jocks), and they deserve recognition.

"You know, a group of psychologists once did a study on physics Ph. D.'s. They found that, among physicists, the most common disorders were paranoia, a persecution complex and delusions of grandeur. That makes sense from an undergraduate perspective. Here you people are, having all this stuff thrown at you. You don't understand any of it, are deathly afraid of failing the next exam, think that all your professors are just overloading you with work, but you can still point to the psychologists studying you and say, 'But they're dumber!'"
-Dr. Holland, Mechanics I.

Ahahahaha! That's hilarious. Though inaccurate. An undergraduate psychology degree does leave a lot of room to take dumb things, and that's why it's such a large major with a wide base of dumb people and extremely smart cookies at the top.

I will tip my hands off to clinical psychologists though. Some of them are very very smart cookies and can put psychiatrists, the MD psychologists, to shame.

I was at a conference at a Uni a few years ago, and I heard these:

"Animals have brilliant senses, they know when storms are coming, they know when to migrate and lots more excellent things. Humans only know when it's lunchtime."

"I started out life as a biology teacher, well actually as a zygote."

*insert impression of rare howler monkey in the middle of a lecture about hydrography for no apparent reason*

Trytostaydead wrote:Ahahahaha! That's hilarious. Though inaccurate. An undergraduate psychology degree does leave a lot of room to take dumb things, and that's why it's such a large major with a wide base of dumb people and extremely smart cookies at the top.

I will tip my hands off to clinical psychologists though. Some of them are very very smart cookies and can put psychiatrists, the MD psychologists, to shame.

The quote was in reference to physicists. I think you got confused.

My trig professor: "I don't really know what I'm doing."

~ver

My Chem teacher, after relating to us the story of how a man killed his wife and dissolved her in sulfuric acid to get rid of the body in the bathtub, but was found out when the cops found her fillings in the drain.

"What he should have done was thrown in some nitric acid after he was done. That would have dissolved the fillings."

Well, strictly speaking, this guy was my sixth form physics teacher, but anyway:

The traditional hot gauze vibrating under a tube causing soundwaves, and a physics teacher who always was the picture of long walks by the sea, cardigans and being the nicest and most innocent man in the world.

His experiment success ratio was not good, half the time, the equipment was too ancient to work etc, and this experiment had never worked, but this time...

"w-o-o-o-o-o-o-o" (that's the noise it made, not the teacher)

and the guy, bless him, turns to us, and says with a huge smile on his face...

"That's the first time that's ever worked, it's better than sex!"

English professor (I think Modern American Fiction): "I just read your last papers. It seems as though there is some great pit of stupidity that you somehow managed to tap into, in spite of yourselves."

"And now we're going to apply Feynman's Rule of Signs, which states that, if you don't like the sign, change it."

"And now we apply the principle of wishful thinking, and we come up with the solution ..."

"Kepler spent his entire life deriving these laws because he had to do it numerically. Now, to demonstrate the futility of life in general, we're going to derive them over the next two days. It helps to have Calculus."

A history professor commenting on the discovery of Eve. "I don't know why this mitochondria DNA stuff doesn't apply to men.... I guess men don't have mitocondria."

Math prof the day after a test: "I've partially corrected your tests. We'll go over the questions together." Spends half the class period failing to solve one problem. "Hmmm, I guess this question doesn't have a solution. I hadn't worked the problems out in advance." Student: "So, how exactly did you correct the tests?"

Prof on why a class was about theory, and not discussion "We won't learn anything sitting around sharing our ignorances."

Prof after returning tests: "Now the lawyers come out." (To argue every little dot and comma to get more points.)

"He was a pioneer in computer science, like von Neumann and Bill Gates.... wait, not Bill Gates...."

This was after a multiple guess test with four or five possible answers to each question. "Someone in here scored less than 19%... I'm sorry but the monkey beat you. You have negative knowledge."

My calc professor always replaces projectile problems that involve something like 'ball' or 'bullet' with 'politicians'. "If travelling at x speed, how long before the politician, blah blah blah...."

Hmm, my old high-school physics teacher comes to mind. Specifically, the time when I heard that to demonstrate principles of force and pressure, he lay down on a bed of nails. And had a student break a cinderblock on him.

Then there was the time we had the plasma ball and formed a chain out into the hallway, shocking innocent passers-by...

And who can forget the time he told us he thought he was going nuts, walking down Hempstead Turnpike, ice cream in hand, with a 747 taxiing down the road...

EDIT: OK, so they're not quotes, but it's the best I could come up with at the spur of the moment.

Bio-ethics class:

Annoying girl who's always talking, "Can I make an analogy?"

Professor: "Can we stop you?"

1st year Algebra prof, who happened to be Australian. <points at board full of equations> "But that's not really important, what you computers people should know is that they're holding a BBQ for you today with lots of beer. Cheap beer. Did I mention that they have lots cheap beer? I strongly reccomend that you all go out to party and mingle with your fellow students at the BBQ later on today."

2nd year Logic prof. <scribbling madly on board while taking up mid-term) "Hmmm...well...that doesn't work, but it can be shown that it's possible to derive an answer from this."

3rd year Code Optimization <prof enters room all jumpy & hyper> "Today I had non-decaffeinated coffe for the first time and I don't think it was a good idea so you'll have to bear with me as I try to teach this class today because I feel like I'm gonna burst with joy and happiness"

"You do get those Fundamentalist Christians trying to pick the holes in evolution so the whole thing falls down. They're still wrong, I just tell them to hang around a few hundred million years to prove that to them."

"You see, ever since my lecturer in behavioural ecology dismissed birds as simple flying reptiles, I felt that was wrong. So today I inflict my classes with examples of evolution and ecology solely on avian examples, y'know, as a sort of punishment for that guy."

"I couldn't care less for fundamentalist Christians. They attack evolution because there are some holes in the theory and then they show us their arguments. Rhetoric and the ramblings of rabid anti-science people who believe in a high and mighty deity."

"Hmm, hear that? Sounds like the fire alarm. The building may be on fire, so i'll just quickly finish this lecture first."
-Dr. Ian Hartley, lone knight of evolution and ornithology


"So if you haven't noticed, I'm a Texan. If you can't make out what I'm saying for any reason then just stick up your hand and I'll try and translate into English."
-My cute Texan physiology lecturer


"Yes, that's correct, the molecule is viagra. Though when you take the drug it doesn't start doing the business right away, you need, uh, stimulation for that so it doesn't help you with everything."
-Dr. Nigel Fullwood


"So what size range is a virus, roughly?"
"Small."
"Care to define that a little better."
"Smaller than large and bigger than an atom."
-Prof. Jane Owen-Lynch and a student


There are others, namely more from my fave lecturer Dr. Hartley and another guy, one of the oldest I have called Dr. Trevor Piearce who loves worms(!).

I used to have some written down they were that good, but I can't find them anymore and these are all paraphrased from memory.

"As far as I'm concerned, the class lists at this institution are a work of creative fiction. Show up to whatever class you want, I don't care. I don't care even if you don't come at all. I also don't believe in class participation marks. I will not reward anyone for muttering some inane comment, then give you a Mars bar and bring in the camera crew so we can record your wonderful achievement for posterity. You want class participation marks in this class, you do your reading. There will be 8 quizzes held at random throughout the semester. Your best 4 will be added up to get your class participation. Any questions?"

"Looking at the assignment answers you handed in, I noticed there weren't that many references to cases and legislation. Which is funny, because this is a law course. So some of you did quite badly."

"Remember, Science doesn't suck, it blows."
-Dr Sawyer, Physics Department Head, describing air pressure


"And this guy here, he was the Mother of all Assholes"
-Col Rouse, Professor of Aerospace Studies and former UN weapons inspector, showing class his photos from Iraq.


"Holy Sheep Dip!"
-Mr Ozment, Aviation Professor, general saying of his.


"I may throw some shit on the wall and see if it sticks"
-Col Sistrunk (ret), Aviation Department Head, describing his test questions.


"Back before TV, the only thing people could do at night for entertainment was stare at the stars, besides, well, you know..."
-Dr. Witriol, Physics Professor, describing early astronomy.


"For those of you who were wondering, that was not me, I was not at Mardi Gras. If any of you have any photos showing otherwise, bring them to by office for a grade adjustment."
-Ms. Chevallier, History T.A., indroducing herself to the class.



If I can think of some others, I'll share them.

This is not really a quote.. but...

My German Teacher has had people cut open their wrists in his class..

*kid raises hand dripping blood*
"Herr COle may I go to the nurse?"
"Oh my God!... Of course you may go to the nurse"
*kid gets up, passes out... Herr Cole drags him to the nurse*

They clean the carpet every year, but the stain keeps bleeding through

"1. While giving a campaign speech in the Midwest, a politician of mass m is picked up by a tornado (something we can all hope for this election year) and follows an expanding spiral trajectory whose components in cylindrical coordinates are ..."

"2. After lifting the politician to a height h above the ground, the tornado suddenly dissipates, leaving the politician in the uncomfortable position of suddenly experiencing the pull of gravity without a force to balance it, i.e. he begins to plummet toward the ground.
(a) Since politicians often seem to operate in a vacuum, neglect the drag due to air and calculate the politician's speed when he hits the ground.
(b) We the fine people of the state of Illinois on the other hand are well-acquainted with drag forces and in fact realize that he should experience a quadratic drag force ..."

Those were a couple of questions from a sample test we got from an election year. Other tests involve cows and waterparks.

Alyrium Denryle wrote:This is not really a quote.. but...

My German Teacher has had people cut open their wrists in his class..

*kid raises hand dripping blood*
"Herr COle may I go to the nurse?"
"Oh my God!... Of course you may go to the nurse"
*kid gets up, passes out... Herr Cole drags him to the nurse*

They clean the carpet every year, but the stain keeps bleeding through

Are you sure that this was a teacher and not a wandering lunatic?

My Chem professor: "There is not a mole of donuts in all of existence."
I immediately thought, 'Damm, Dalton will be depressed!"

Then there are these from my Engineering Programming prof: "You can always tell the political landscape of a time from the problems in a math or physics text book: Pre-Vietnam-->Bombing a city, Post-Vietnam-->Feeding starving cattle, Present-->A projectile fired"

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

"If you're not good at math try physics."

EDIT: corrected the binary quote

"Don't worry too much! Who knows you could get hit by a bus after this lecture, then you have plenty of worries!"

Math Lecturer, Uni

PrinceofLowLight wrote:

Alyrium Denryle wrote:This is not really a quote.. but...

My German Teacher has had people cut open their wrists in his class..

*kid raises hand dripping blood*
"Herr COle may I go to the nurse?"
"Oh my God!... Of course you may go to the nurse"
*kid gets up, passes out... Herr Cole drags him to the nurse*

They clean the carpet every year, but the stain keeps bleeding through

Are you sure that this was a teacher and not a wandering lunatic?

Yes this is my tacher, who has had kids cut open their wrists in class... I have seen the stains... and he IS lunatic