It's time for SB-SDN CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH #13!!!

[Steve]

JG: The contestants are entering the ring as the fight is set to begin! Cabot gives a final goodbye assgrab to one of his scantily-clad slaves as he climbs into the ring!

ND: What a putz!

JG: And the crowd is booing it, predictably. Well, Judge Mills Lane is waiting for them, so let's go ringside!

ML: Okay, I want a good clean fight!

TC: What about forcing my opponent to submit to me?

ML: That's acceptable, but be warned Mister Cabot, that means leglocks and chokeholds, not forced intercourse. Do that and you're disqualified, and considering the crowd out there, you're also a dead man. Now let's get it on!

ND: And the battle begins! Audrie jumps backward to avoid a swing. Cabot screams wildly and advances with a punch... oooh! Audrie catches him in the chest with a hand-stand kick!


JG: That was an excellent move. Cabot is backing up while Audrie propels herself into the robes and.... she clotheslines him straight out of the ring!

ND: Look at the expression on her face! Audrie is seriously pumped up for this fight!

JG: Yes. *looks to side of sportscasters box* Stone Cold, you helped train her, how do you think she's going to do tonight?

SC: I think she's going to beat the living crap out of that raping bastard.

ND: There you have it folks.

SC: See! I taught her that move!

JG: Audrie comes off the turnbuckle and nails Cabot with a drop kick! Cabot goes down hard on the mat!

ND: Wait a minute! Cabot's slavegirl just handed him a brass knuckle! He catches Audrie in the stomach with it as she tries a kneesmash! She's doubled over!

JG: He's tossed her back into the ring and is climbing back in!

ND: But Audrie's recovering! She's getting back up and... oh man, that can't be legal!

JG: Oh but it is. Cabot has her by the hair and is smashing her head against the turnbuckle!

ND: The crowd's getting really mad!

TC: Submit! You know you want to! It's in your blood, in you.... urgh!

JG: Audrie gets him with a backward headsmash! His nose is definitely broken, Nick.

ND: It is! Now Audrie's coming up to him and... she gives him the Stone Cold Stunner!

JG: I think Cabot's down!

ND: Wait, no, it's that damned serum, he's healing his wounds and getting back up.

JG: He punches and Audrie ducks it!

ND: She gives him a haymaker to the breadbasket! Cabot is doubled over!

JG: Audrie grabs him and.... OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

*Audrie screams and smashes her knee into Cabot's crotch. Every male in the crowd doubles over and a number pass out. Her battle cry slowly ends as Cabot's cheeks puff out. A nut comes out of his mouth and then another. He looks up at Audrie and points at her*

TC: *in a high-pitched voice* You win! *Falls over dead*

ND: .....oooowwwwwww.....

JG: What a painful, but fitting, end.

ND: And the crowd slowly starts to go wild. Well, the women are, but the men are still in pain thinking about that.

JG: Yes, yes we are, Nick.

ML: *cringing, lifts up Audrie's arm* We have a winner!

AD: He never had a chance.

SG: Nooo! Master! Master!

JG: Looks like Cabot's two slave girls are devastated he lost.

ND: Now Audrie's going up to them.

AD: C'mon, girls, it's time for you to learn some fun new tricks.

JG: And she's leading them away.

ND: Well, that was a nice finish.

JG: Let's go to Stone Cold, who's got an update for us on the upcoming battle in Tokyo.

*camera changes to Stone Cold*

SC: Just talked to the guys configuring the power armor. We've designed a real doozy, folks. Steve's armor will constantly infuse his bloodstream with purified M&Ms, while Laird's will introduce purified Coca-Cola and Mike's will pump Cornflakes into his system. We expect these three to be tearing up Tokyo faster than you can say "sushi".

JG: I'm sure Godzilla will be very jealous. Well, the Dome of Devastation is up, and they've put the two teams in the Dome together. Nick, stop quivering.

ND: Oh, sorry Johnny, I just do that whenever I see Deathbringer.

JG: It's been three years, Johnny, I don't think he still wants to kill you over that whole trap incident.

ND: Says you!

JG: *sigh* Let's go ring-side.

ML: *outside the dome* Okay boys, I want a good clean fight!

SL: Um, a cleanfight in the Dome of Devastation? This thing is just loaded with heavy weapons of bloody murder.

LC: Yeah.

DB: We can't even trust our own team-mates. What's to stop me from teaming up with Slacker?

DL: Besides a lack of intelligence.

DB: Be quiet you order lackey!

DL: I want a more intelligent teammate! A real rival! This guy isn't worthy of being my....

DB: WHY YOU LITTLE! *begins choking DL* Wha..... how.... how are you choking me?! Uuurk....

DL: With the power of my mind!

*Stone Cold walks up to the Dome*

SC: Nah, he's just bullshitting you. We've configured all of you with a device. You feel each other's pain instead of your own. So if you stab your partner in the back, you'll be the one to die, and vice versa.

DL: WHAT?!

DB: GRR!!!!

SL: Wow, that's pretty low.

LC: Yeah, but effective.

ND: LordChaos and Slacker go on the offensive while Deathbringer and Dark Lord fight! LC catches Deathbringer in the back with a kick, and Dark Lord goes flying into the Dome, which causes DB to hurt!

JG: And now Slacker has a big hammer and is taking it to Deathbringer's skull! Dark Lord screams and goes down, clutching his head!

ND: Fortunately for him, Deathbringer catches Slacker by the wrist and is crushing it... though it's LordChaos grasping his own wrist and hurting instead of Slacker! He tosses Slack into LordChaos.

DB: Get up you Vorlon-loving twit! We've got to beat these guys.

DL: Well, I'm soooory, but my skull isn't as dense as your's! My head needs more room for my larger brain!

DB: I'm so going to kick your ass when this is over. No, on second thought, I'm going to kick my own ass so you'll feel it.

JG: Dark Lord has recovered, and Deathbringer is going after LordChaos! He's beating away at him.

SL: Ouch! Do something you idiot!

LC: Shut up, Slack! *grabs DB by the throat and causes DL to grab his own from pain*

ND: Deathbringer smacks LordChaos in the head as LordChaos bashes him up against the Dome! Neither of them or feeling any pain because of the system, but their partners are suffering!

SL: Aack! Urgh! Do... something.... this fucking hurts!

JG: Slacker has picked up a hammer and he now slams his own foot! LC's in pain and he drops Deathbringer!

LC: Ouch! What did you do that for?!

SL: Because I was tired of getting my ass kicked!

LC: Why you little.... *hits self in stomach and makes SL double over* How's it feel, asshole?

SL: How's this?!

JG: Oh crap. Slacker is now beating his head against the Dome, hurting LC, who continues to clobber himself in the stomach to hurt Slacker.

ND: Not like Deathbringer and Dark Lord are doing much better, Johnny. Dark Lord seems to have taken a lesson from Slacker and is cutting off portions of his skin, making Deathbringer suffer the pain!

JG: But now DB is stabbing himself in the knee! Dark Lord drops to all fours!

ND: Where he promptly begins to smash his head against the ground!

JG: I don't believe this! All four combatants are beating themselves senseless to hurt their hated teammate!

ND: Only on Deathmatch, Johnny, only on Deathmatch.

JG: Stone Cold, can you do anything?

SC: We're trying, we're trying!

JG: Is this going to be a stalemate?!

ND: No, someone has to give first. Ironically, that will bring his partner victory, because the other two will be too busy beating the crap out of themselves.

JG: Folks, in all my years I have never seen anything like this.

ND: And now Dark Lord is *strangling himself*! Deathbringer is clutching his own throat and giving the same effect!

JG: They're strangling themselves, I mean, each other!

ND: LordChaos and Slacker are still trying to hurt each other, but DB and DL are doing it in quicker fashion!

JG: They're still going at it...

DB: Let go... you...

DL: You.... first!

ND: They're turning blue!

JG: And now..... they're out! They're down!

ND: I don't believe this!

SC: Well, better turn this off.

*Stone Cold turns off devices just before Slacker can ram an icepick into his eye*

SL: Hey, you should have warned.... oof!

*LC tackles Slacker, they begin fighting on the ground. Mills Lane enters arena and checks DB and DL*

ML: They're out! By TKO, Slacker and LordChaos are the winners!

SL: Cool!

LC: Yeah, now hold still so I can beat the shit out of you!

SL: I'm so going to kick your ass!

JG: Well, while Stone Cold tries to seperate them, we'll check in with Stacy Cornbread, who went to talk to Audrie about her victory. Stacy?

*camera changes to show Stacy outside of a private room*

STA: Audrie's victory has already made her an overnight hero to many women across the multiverse. We've been trying to talk to her since the fight, but she's still inside... wait!

*the door opens. Audrie's head peaks out*

AD: Uh.... whaddya want?

STA: How do you feel about killing the hated Tarl Cabot?

AD: Really cool.

STA: Are you going to fight in the ring again?

AD: Maybe. I dunno. Right now I'm a bit busy.

*A room service guy comes up with a wheeled table*

RS: Ma'am, we have more of the tanning oil and lubricant you asked for.

AD: Thanks! *kisses room service guy on cheek, takes things and goes back inside. Giggling can be heard from inside. Okay girls, now for lesson three....

STA: Well, there you have it. Back to you, Johnny.

*camera flips back*

JG: Thank you, Stacy... Nick, what are you trying to do with that thing?

*ND looks up from transporter device*

ND: I'm trying to beam a camcorder into Audrie's hotel room. Three girls, tanning oil, lubricant, I like what that adds up to, Johnny.

JG: Nick... no, I just can't find the words. Anyway, we're about ready for our match. Let's go live to Tokyo!

*Camera changes. Three massive suits of powered armor are standing apart from each other*

SC: Beginning fueling process...

*The armor comes active*

ST: Hmm... M&Ms..... RAAAAAARGH!

LA: Coca-Cola is gonna make you my bitch, Steve!

MW: Cornflakes is healthier than the shit either of you ingest. I'm going to be the one dealing out the ass-kicking here!

ST: STEVE CRUSH!

JG: Steve starts out by gunning for Laird, who advances toward him!

ND: Mike pulls out a big fuckin' gun and fires a bolt! It hits Steve and Laird and blows them through the nearest skyscraper!

JG: Which comes crashing down.

ND: Laird gets back up first! He lifts Steve before he can stand and tosses him at Mike!

JG: Mike can't dodge in time! The gun goes flying out of his hands as Steve slams into him at incredible speeds!

ND: One building, two, three, four buildings! They've finally stopped!

JG: Laird follows the trail of destruction to go after them...

ND: Now Steve and Mike are on their feet and exchanging punches! Steve slams Mike back into a building and it crumbles over on top of both of them!

JG: Laird has caught up and is standing on top of the debris. Now the hands of both Steve and Mike have come up through all the scrap! They have Laird by the ankles, and trip him over!

ND: Mike clambers out of the debris first and begins wailing away on Laird! Laird punches back but it doesn't seem to effect Mike! A second punch to his armored jaw manages to stun Mike and Laird shoves him off!

JG: But now Steve has worked his way out of the debris! He picks up a fractured steel girder and is holding it like a baseball bat!

ST: RAAAARGH!

ND: Mike turns toward him just in time to get swatted away! He looks like he'll be airborne for a while.

JG: He goes slamming through four city blocks!

ND: While Laird has grabbed the other end of the girder and is trying to take it from Steve! They're each pulling at it and twisting it out of shape!

LA: Stupid Gator Hunter! Let go!

ND: Laird finally manages to twist off a piece! He tosses it at Steve and it slams him into the next building back. The building teeters and is falling in the other direction! And now it's like a line of dominoes as building after building falls!

JG: Wow, the fight's barely been waged and they've already managed to do a rough billion in property damage!

ND: Steve's back up on his feet! He picks up a delivery truck and throws it at Laird!

JG: Laird tries to catch it but he's being shoved back! He slams into a warehouse!

ND: A cereal warehouse, Johnny! Cornflakes and marshmellows are flying everywhere!

JG: But Mike's back in range now! He's looking over the damage and now rushing toward Steve!

MW: CORNFLAKE JIHAD!!!!!!!

ND: Steve picks up a car and tosses it at Mike! Mike jumps and lands on it in mid-air, smashing it into the ground!

JG: He uses the car to jump further! He slams into Steve shoulder first! Both fighters smash through the foundation of a fifty story skyscraper behind them!

ND: And now that building's coming down!

JG: They emerge from the foundation! Mike's raising Steve over his head and he tosses him out to sea! Steve slams through several skyscrapers on his way to Tokyo Bay! A couple are even falling from the impact!

ND: But now Mike is hit by the truck from before, thrown by Laird! Laird races toward Mike as Mike shoves the truck out of the way and delivers a harsh punch to his chest! Mike teeters back and Laird catches him in the head with a wicked kick!

JG: Now Laird goes down!

*sound of jet engine gets louder, until CRASH!*

ND: Looks like Steve is back in the fight! He crashes into Laird at full speed and they both go flying into the nearest buildings!

JG: Mike is beginning to get up! What a fight!

ND: Johnny, I don't know who's winning, but I can tell you this: Tokyo is most definitely LOSING!

JG: I have to agree, Johnny.

MW: ROOOOOOOOOWWWR!!!!

ND: Wow. It looks like Mike's tapping his thoughtless violent side just as well as Steve is!

JG: He tears a small building off it's foundation and tosses it to where Steve and Laird are grappling! It lands on them both!

ND: But Laird immediately comes out of the debris!

LA: LAIRD CRUSH PUNY ENEMY!

JG: What is this? Now Laird's going all Bruce Banner on us.

ND: Laird tosses a big chunk of steel that knocks Mike back a few steps. He races forward and tackles him to the ground!

JG: Steve is still trying to crawl out of the debris while Laird and Mike are bashing away at each other.

*camera shows Stone Cold approaching announcer's booth*

ND: Hey, Stone Cold, what's up?

SC: Somebody sabotaged their suits. It's pumping too much into them. They're turning into unstoppable and violent monsters.

JG: Oh my. Who did this?

SC: These little bitches!

*Stone Cold lifts his arm, and we can see that his hands are around the throats of Invader Zim and GIR*

ND: Zim?!

IZ: YES! IT IS I, FOOLISH HUMAN. BOW TO MY FIST! URGK!

*Stone Cold is squeezing harder*

SC: So, why'd you do it, grease stain?

IZ: They are beyond control now! MWAHAHAHA! It will take weeks for my serum to wear off! By then, all of the Earth will be leveled, and ripe for conquest by the Irken Empire!

JG: Well? Chief O'Brien?

MO: Yup. Ran the calcs. By the time their suits go offline, they'll have had enough time to destroy every city on Earth several times over.

ND: But won't they defeat each other first?

MO: In all likelihood? No.

JG: Well, what are we going to do?

IZ: BOW TO ME! That is your only hope, to surrender and accept.... AGK!

SC: Pipe down, pipsqueak, or you'll be bowing to *my* fist.

ND: Well, first things first. Beam those two onto a world about to be eaten by Unicron.

SC: Gladly.

IZ: NOOOOO!

GIR: Yay, we're doomed!

*Stone Cold walks away with prisoners still in hands*

ND: Well, Johnny, what now?

JG: With that much energy, they're certain to destroy any world we deposit them on.

ND: Absolutely.

JG: Uh huh.

ND: Yep.

JG: So....

BOTH: We send them to Gor.

ND: Okay, Chief, fire up the transporter.

MO: Gotcha!

*in some random city on Gor*

GM: Hmm. how much for this slave girl?

GS: Well, she's not very fresh, I.... AAGGGH!

*Mike Wong materializes on top of Slaver, crushing both men*

MW: RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! CORNFLAKE JIHAD!!!!

*blood erupts as Mike begins stomping through hordes of Gorean troops trying to attack him with swords and other primitive weapons*

*back in studio*

JG: Well, all's well that ends well. I guess.

ND: Hmm.... *is still fiddling with transporter*

JG: Nick, you cannot beam in a camcorder to spy on Audrie. Company regulations.

ND: Aw, come on!

JG: No!

ND: You're no fun!

JG: *rolls eyes* Well, there you have it, folks.

ND: Think I can get Audrie's phone number?

JG: NICK! *coughs* Anyway, as I was saying, this is Johnny Gomez....

ND: And I'm Nick Diamond....

JG: Saying Good Fight, and Good Night.

[phongn]

[Steve]

*sigh*

I suppose I've lost the CDM touch.

[haas mark]

And what exactly are the abbrevs for the names..? It's been a *long* time since I've seen CD.. I know that SC = Stone Cold and JG = Johnny Gomez.. but that's it.

~ver

[Zaia]

Err, was this supposed to be posted here in OT or was it meant to be in Fanfics?

[Gil Hamilton]

I was right, you weren't about to be objective about that Cabot-Audrie fight, Steve.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

I was right, you weren't about to be objective about that Cabot-Audrie fight, Steve.

If you want to be realistic, Cabot has spent years living on a low-gravity world, and even a real strong guy from a sufficiently low-gravity planet probably could get beaten up by the average earth woman with some basic combat training if they were fighting in normal gravity. It would be like being hobbled down by a sack of weights on your back AND having all your muscles not function at full capacity. Of course this is never considered in the Gor books when people from Earth are kidnapped to that lovely place, but, hey, that's just the least of the sins of The Author Who Created The Planet Shaped Like An Inverted Top.