StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Found this on da net:

Once upon a time, a perfect man met a perfect woman met and they had a perfect courtship, followed by a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, Christmas Eve, our perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone in distress off the road. Being perfect, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with his huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle and started delivering his toys. But driving conditions deteriorated and our perfect couple (and Santa) had an accident. Only one survived. Question: Which one survived? (Comma, pause for effect...)

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who existed in the first place because everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no perfect man.

(Women may stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.)










(Men only keep reading:)













So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains the accident. (By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this proves another point: Women never listen!)

Why did the blonde take a picture of a clock?

So she'd always know what time it is.


And a yo momma joke:

Yo momma's so poor, she had to sell the TV that came in her house!

What do Michael Jackson and Wal Mart have in common?











boys underwear half off

Ok, ok, now this is a funny joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the othe--- er, wait, y'all have probably heard that one before...

Knock Knock!

What did the lady say to michael jackson when she saw him at the beach?

Excuse me sir, your in my son.



How do you know if its bed time at the neverland ranch?

When the big hand is on the little hand.

Thirdfain wrote:Knock Knock!

Who's there?

I'll steal one from Entensity.net:
A blonde decides enough is enough and can't take any more crap from stupid men, so she dyes her hair brown. She takes a trip to Ireland to further calm herself. On her hike through the country she happens upon a huge flock of sheep and a shepherd.
She asks the shepherd, "If I can guess at how many sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd agrees, not thinking it possible.
"352" she says.
The shepherd is surprise at how this could happen and replies, "WOW, that's the EXACT number, incredible. Well a promise is a promise, take your pick."
So the woman looks thoughtfully at the flock and picks one that is more playful and livelier than all the rest.
As she began to leave the shepherd says, "Now if I can guess the original color of your hair, can I get my dog back?"

SyntaxVorlon wrote:

Thirdfain wrote:Knock Knock!

Who's there?

ADD Child!

Subject: Venomous Snake...BEWARE!!!!!

The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME:
"Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION:
Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin)
Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an
inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after
nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT:
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual
places.
ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is
injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.
There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET:
Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop
after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been
reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the
thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and
start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and
the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor! (Especially note the last couple of sentences.)

---

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
===================
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely, The Dog

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.]

---

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

I have an endless supply, but I'll stop for now unless there are requests for more.

Robert Walper wrote:I have an endless supply, but I'll stop for now unless there are requests for more.

thats fucking great!

Col. Crackpot wrote:

Robert Walper wrote:I have an endless supply, but I'll stop for now unless there are requests for more.

thats fucking great!

That I stopped or that I have more?

a woman gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, who comes up to her window and asks to roll it down. the woman then asks the trooper, "You're going to sell me tickets to the state troopers ball, aren't you?"

the state trooper looks at her and replies "no ma'am, state troopers don't have balls"

upon realizing what he said, the state trooper just blushed in embarrassment, and left the scene. the woman in the car just grinned.

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST. "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, FRED. THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!"

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig!

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This actually happened at Harvard University in October of 2001.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl told her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms, 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a f*cking pharmacist!"

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.

A woman's prayer. And it's probably so true.

---

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll beat the shit out of him.
Amen

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want... Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

You're a Lovecraft fan if...

1. You've changed the name badge on your car to read "Innsmouth" instead of "Plymouth."
2. You ever bought a plush Cthulhu doll.
3. You play acid jazz under the stage name Erich Zann.
4. You know at least 10 different ways to pronounce "Cthulhu."
5. You go into a pet store looking for a Cat of Ulthar.
6. When a vegetarian says "I don't eat anything with a face", then you reply "So I suppose you don't have anything against eating a Shoggoth, or for that matter, a Night-Gaunt??"
7. All your dreams are about the Dreamlands.
8. You flunk in Astronomy because you refer to Pluto as "Yuggoth."
9. You model your personal diet upon that of H.P. Lovecraft, even though he mostly ate canned foods.
10. You ever used the term "Olde English Yog-Sothoth."
11. You wonder why Miskatonic University never has been on Playboy's list of "Best Party Schools."
12. Your favourite anti-creationism argument is "How many creation scientists have degrees from Miskatonic??"
13. When you read in the Old Testament that the Philistines worshipped Dagon, you envision the Philistines as having the Innsmouth Look, wearing weird crowns and yelling "IÄ R'LYEH!! CTHULHU FHTAGN!! IÄ! IÄ!" as their battlecry....
14. ... and you also imagine Goliath as being a Deep One.
15. You've ever made a pilgrimage to cemetary where H.P. Lovecraft is buried, only to lay flowers upon his tombstone. (Many Lovecraft fans actually do this!)
16. You saw "Cthulhu Mansion" just because it was called something with "Cthulhu"...
17. ... and after seeing it, you sued the filmmakers for false advertisement.
18. You know that all the "Necronomicons" which can be bought in occult bookstores just are forgeries, but you are STILL convinced that the REAL Necronomicon exists somewhere.
19. You have a pet goat named Shub-Niggurath.
20. You can't design a Dungeons & Dragons campaign without throwing in at least one Shoggoth.... or, for that matter, a giant mindflayer with wings.
21. And when you play D&D as a character, you beg the Dungeon Master whether you can use your rules for Deep One/Human Hybrid player characters. (they start out as humans on level 1, but they become increasingly fishy as increase in level!!!)
22. You know of the "conspiracy theory" that Father Dagon is a pseudonym of Great Cthulhu.
23. You hear of japanese Tentacle Hentai and think "Cthulhu, I never knew you could sink this low."
24. You believe that Azathoth and/or Yog-Sothoth can be shoehorned into any theory about the nature of the universe.
25. Each time you see a shooting star, you think of "The Colour Out Of Space."
26. You keep your daughter from dating somebody because he looks like Wilbur Whateley... (In "The Dunwich Horror", the protagonist/antagonist Wilbur Whateley is described as having a very unique appearance)
27. .... or because he has the "Innsmouth Look."
28. You always refer to sugar by its chemical formula (C12H22O11), just because Lovecraft did that.
29. You attempt to eat on a budget of two dollars and ten cents a week just like Lovecraft...
30. .... Even though you know that US$ aren't worth as much as they used to be.
31. You own several biographies of H.P. Lovecraft.
32. You have written a biography of Lovecraft.
33. You've asked your psychiatrist what possible psychosises Lovecraft could have suffered from... just for fun.
34. You saw "Evil Dead" just because the Necronomicon was in it.
35. You go to a paint shop and ask for "Colour Out Of Space."
36. You read "Hello Cthulhu" without laughing.
37. You believe that the Chupacabra is some sort of..... oh, what the heck! IÄ CHUPACABRA! IÄ! IÄ!
38. You think that the Beatles song "In The Octopus' Garden" is about R'lyeh.
39. You wonder why Erich von Däniken never, EVER, mentions the Elder Things in his works.
40. You have an irrational fear of things on your doorstep.
41. You not only aknowledge that most Cthulhu Mythos fan fiction is bad, but you also claim that it makes Lovecraft roll in his grave.
42. Your car is a 1972 Innsmouth, painted in Colour-Out-Of-Space with a hood ornament shaped as a Night-Gaunt.
43. You have injured your speaking apparatus attempting to pronounce the strange incantations in "The Call Of Cthulhu."
44. You have written one of the numerous fake "Necronomicons" in existence.
45. You believe that the Necronomicon doesn't exist, but you do believe that the Pnakotic Manuscripts are real.
46. You own one of the fake Necronomicons just to "complete" your Cthulhu Mythos collection.
47. You also own a lot of old dictionaries and other mundane books, with "PNAKOTIC MANUSCRIPTS" and "CRYPTICAL BOOK OF HSAN" written on them, with the only purpose of filling up space on your shelf.
48. You try to find Arkham, Dunwich and Innsmouth on travellers' guides to New England.
49. You know what "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" means.
50. In fact, you have an "English-Cthulhuish" dictionary.
51. You believe that your uncle's fowl were killed by a Fungus from Yuggoth.
52. You have at least hundreds of blurry photographies which allegedly are of Great Old Ones.
53. You have attempted to summon a Shoggoth.
54. You succeeded.
55. Some crackpot claims to have seen Cthulhu, and you believe him.
56. You not only believe that he had seen Cthulhu, but you then told him that you had seen Cthulhu too.
57. And seeing Cthulhu is not a pleasant experience.
58. You're aware of the punk rock band called "The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets."
59. The Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets is, in fact, your favourite band.
60. You blame everything on Nyarlathotep.
61. You know how Lovecraft came up with names for his creations. (I do - "shoggoth" is derived from "shaggathai", which means "fornication" in Chaldean)
62. You know the Olde English names for all the Cthulhu Mythos gods. (Yog-Sothoth is Yogge-Sothothe, for instance - and Nyarlathotep might be... Nyarrelathehoteppe?)
63. When you watched "Legend Of The Overfiend", when the Demon Of Destruction first appeared you thought of Wilbur Whateley.
64. You understand previous comparison between the Demon Of Destruction and Wilbur Whateley.
65. You attempt to fit the Esoteric Order Of Dagon into every possible conspiracy theory.
66. You feel sorry for Nodens being turned into a carbon-copy good guy by August Derleth.
67. Your canine companion is called "Bulldog-Sothoth"
68, You appreciate that David Icke has managed to shoehorn Yig into his "reptile-controlled world" conspiracy theory.

How do crazy people go through the woods?

They take the psycho-path!
-
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

Dam!
-
Did you hear about Micheal Jackson getting kicked out of the boy scouts?

He was up to a pack a day.