Bad jokes thread No.2

Post by **weemadando** » 2002-10-06 11:14pm

Most of you have probably heard 'em before, but they're just so bad that I can't help it.

So this guy goes the doctors and goes to the doctor: "I'm just not feeling good Doc." The doctor asks the man his symptoms, and the man lists them all. "Hmmm," says the doctor, "It sounds like a case of TJS."
"What?"
"Tom Jones Syndrome."
"I've never heard of it -is it common?"
"Its not unusual..."

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[remember to make this extra funny read it with a NZ accent]
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh"
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are you sure Mick?"
"Yes, no worries"
"100%?"
"YES!" So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil, of course, is a gonner. Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest. Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!" Pierre, the French says "Non,non,non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure" Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, you blokes are both wrong, the other month I was walking past a building site, following these two gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "CUNNNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!"

-------

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning
hours and went home their separate ways.The next day, they all met and
compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew
chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and
wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!".

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned
the whole house down!".
The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you
understand. Chunks is my dog."

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Three Labrador retrievers, chocolate, yellow, and black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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And thats enough for now... Feel free to post more.

Cal Wright · Post by **Cal Wright** » 2002-10-06 11:38pm

How do Germans tie thier shoes?
In little Nazis

What's this

X

Xski

A Pole co-signing for a redneck.

What do the chinese call 69?
Two can chew

I've got some really bad handicap ones that I can post, but I'll have to get an okay from everyone beforehand.

If you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, what do you find outside?
K9P

What has 196 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
They both have balls just for decoration.

That's it for now!

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-10-06 11:49pm

DG_Cal_Wright wrote:How do Germans tie thier shoes?
In little Nazis

What's this

X

Xski

A Pole co-signing for a redneck.

I've got some really bad handicap ones that I can post, but I'll have to get an okay from everyone beforehand.

POST POST POST

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2002-10-06 11:57pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:
I've got some really bad handicap ones that I can post, but I'll have to get an okay from everyone beforehand.

POST POST POST

I need to trawl the boards for some of Col. Supatra's ones - she has some really bad ones...

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2002-10-07 12:05am

phongn wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote:
I've got some really bad handicap ones that I can post, but I'll have to get an okay from everyone beforehand.

POST POST POST
I need to trawl the boards for some of Col. Supatra's ones - she has some really bad ones...

Along with some really good general comments

"Vegetables are not food, vegetables are what food eats"

Hyperion · Post by **Hyperion** » 2002-10-07 01:46am

ROFLOL!, some of those are bad... i like....

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2002-10-07 11:44am

Sea Skimmer wrote:
phongn wrote:
Sea Skimmer wrote: POST POST POST
I need to trawl the boards for some of Col. Supatra's ones - she has some really bad ones...
Along with some really good general comments

"Vegetables are not food, vegetables are what food eats"

Or the Elephant Incident?

spongyblue · Post by **spongyblue** » 2002-10-07 12:21pm

A Traveling Salesman is traveling in the country when his car brakes down. Since night is coming, he tries to find shelter. He makes it to a farm and asks the farmer if he can stay in his barn over night. The Farmer say "Ok, just don't stick your dick in the three holes on th ewall, understand?" The salesman looks a little disgusted, but says ok. That night the salesman can't sleep, so he decides to check out the holes. He goes up the first hole and puts his dick in. It feels pretty good, and a in a few he's bust his stuff. When he was done he moved to the next hole and stuck his dick in. It felt better than the first one, and in less time he through. He moves to the last hole, thinking this will be the best of them all. He sticks it in and he is in the worst pain of his life and can't let go. The salesman passes out from the pain. The next morning the farmer wakes him up. "I told you not to stick your dick in there, let me help you." The farmer help the poor,hurt salesman out and the salesman asks, "How come the first two felt good and the last one didn't?" The farmer replied "Well the fist hole, that was my wife, pretty good huh?, the second one was my virgin daughter, never touched by a man, and the last was my milking machine, it don't let go till it gets fifty gallons."

Larz · Post by **Larz** » 2002-10-07 05:34pm

Two atoms are walking down a street when they run into each other, the first one says "I'm missing an electron", the second one says "are you sure?" and the first one says "I'm positive!".... a little chemistry humor (think ions and Ionization)

XaLEv · Post by **XaLEv** » 2002-10-07 07:04pm

Larz wrote:Two atoms are walking down a street when they run into each other, the first one says "I'm missing an electron", the second one says "are you sure?" and the first one says "I'm positive!".... a little chemistry humor (think ions and Ionization)

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much a beer costs. The bartender looks at him and says "For you? No charge."

Hyperion · Post by **Hyperion** » 2002-10-07 07:44pm

oii, seeing as i'm taking chem classes next quarter i'll be getting used to that humor.

Post by **Kuja** » 2002-10-07 07:48pm

Three guys are walking down the street. Two of them turn and walk into a bar. The third ducks.

A drunk runs into a bar and says "Quick! Gimme thirty shots of your best stuff!" The bartender pours the drinks and the drunks drinks them as fast as possible.
"That's incredible," the bartender says. "I've never seen anyone drink that fast."
"Well, you'll drink fast if you had what I have."
"What? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents."