Bad jokes thread No.2
Posted: 2002-10-06 11:14pm
Most of you have probably heard 'em before, but they're just so bad that I can't help it.
So this guy goes the doctors and goes to the doctor: "I'm just not feeling good Doc." The doctor asks the man his symptoms, and the man lists them all. "Hmmm," says the doctor, "It sounds like a case of TJS."
"What?"
"Tom Jones Syndrome."
"I've never heard of it -is it common?"
"Its not unusual..."
---------
[remember to make this extra funny read it with a NZ accent]
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh"
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are you sure Mick?"
"Yes, no worries"
"100%?"
"YES!" So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil, of course, is a gonner. Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest. Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!" Pierre, the French says "Non,non,non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure" Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, you blokes are both wrong, the other month I was walking past a building site, following these two gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "CUNNNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!"
-------
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning
hours and went home their separate ways.The next day, they all met and
compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew
chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and
wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!".
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned
the whole house down!".
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you
understand. Chunks is my dog."
----------
Three Labrador retrievers, chocolate, yellow, and black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
----------
And thats enough for now... Feel free to post more.
So this guy goes the doctors and goes to the doctor: "I'm just not feeling good Doc." The doctor asks the man his symptoms, and the man lists them all. "Hmmm," says the doctor, "It sounds like a case of TJS."
"What?"
"Tom Jones Syndrome."
"I've never heard of it -is it common?"
"Its not unusual..."
---------
[remember to make this extra funny read it with a NZ accent]
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh"
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are you sure Mick?"
"Yes, no worries"
"100%?"
"YES!" So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil, of course, is a gonner. Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest. Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!" Pierre, the French says "Non,non,non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure" Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, you blokes are both wrong, the other month I was walking past a building site, following these two gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming "CUNNNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!"
-------
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning
hours and went home their separate ways.The next day, they all met and
compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew
chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and
wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!".
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned
the whole house down!".
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you
understand. Chunks is my dog."
----------
Three Labrador retrievers, chocolate, yellow, and black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
----------
And thats enough for now... Feel free to post more.
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