Coming out of the Closet...

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-12-24 05:10pm

Found this on another board , thought it was rather fitting after seeing the "what is your orientation" poll.

After searching and searching for my sexual identity. I finally discovered it and I can no longer keep it in the closet. I am here to openly announce that I am a Retrosexual.

My Restrosexuality is defined by the following Retrosexual code:

A Retrosexual, unless the woman really, really, really insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage, cunnilingus skills, and anal sex are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.

The Cleric · Post by **The Cleric** » 2003-12-24 05:13pm

HELL FUCKING YEAH!!! All hail retrosexuals!!!

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-12-24 05:36pm

There needs to be a show where they turn people into retrosexuals...

Post by **Dalton** » 2003-12-24 05:39pm

Never seen The Man Show, huh?

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2003-12-24 05:42pm

Almost all of those apply to me. I do not hunt (never grew up with it, no firearms), but everything else fits.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-12-24 06:01pm

aerius wrote:(snip)

In other words, you are SD.Net's resident Macho Man?

His Divine Shadow · Post by **His Divine Shadow** » 2003-12-24 06:11pm

All those apply to me, I'm a man's man you see, a real heart breaker.
I'm a doer that gets things done, I'm a natural leader and I can hunt my own food and I play cards for high stakes and I win whilst living it large with european nobilite.

Here's a picture of my manly self BTW:

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2003-12-24 06:21pm

Most of those apply to being a proper human. :p

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-12-24 07:00pm

The politeness to women stuff applies to me, but as for everything else..I guess I'm just a wimp.

Super-Gagme · Post by **Super-Gagme** » 2003-12-24 07:09pm

Oh damn, I don't kill my food and eat it red. Guess I am just a pussy, may as well end my useless life...oh wait, I don't give a flying fuck!

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2003-12-24 07:42pm

I always hold the doors.

What does it mean when the woman opens the door for the man? Does that make him a super-pussy?

Post by **Alyrium Denryle** » 2003-12-24 07:56pm

Here are the ones that apply to me

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. (I dont hunt though)

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.(I find them degrading)

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.(Future reference... But my house will a house of biological oddities.. I will have dissected animals, flayed open in jars instead of candles, and tanks with odd fish reptiles and amphibians instead of wall art)

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. (Poon need not apply

)

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.(Hell my dad disowned me... Never been happier)

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine. (I dont do it for bonding... well, a different type of bonding

)

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. (I am not mechanically nclined, but I took shop class, and know basic tools)

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

YT300000 · Post by **YT300000** » 2003-12-24 08:35pm

Almost all of those apply to me.

CmdrWilkens · Post by **CmdrWilkens** » 2003-12-24 08:47pm

Only one qualification should be made: There is such a thing as a Vodka Martini and its okay for a retrosexual. Well, so long as we're talking about Vodka and not flavored stuff its okay.

Tasoth · Post by **Tasoth** » 2003-12-24 10:30pm

Accept for the drinking, that all applies to me. But I generally use the ancient for it. I'm a gentlemen, and thats why I'm single....*grumbles*

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-12-25 12:29am

You forgot the part about how a guy who tries too hard to prove he's a retrosexual is probably a closeted homosexual.

Post by **Rob Wilson** » 2003-12-25 12:36am

Darth Wong wrote:You forgot the part about how a guy who tries too hard to prove he's a retrosexual is probably a closeted homosexual.

And if he's a real retrosexual he doesn't care what other people think about his sexuality - he knows it, his Gf/Wife knows it, and that's good enough for him.

Hyperion · Post by **Hyperion** » 2003-12-25 05:19am

Some of that is just plain human male stuff.

Heck, you guys know which way I go, yet I love hunting, own a single gun (ok, fine, a derringer doesn't really count), and I drink like a fish at SCA events. I also bitch like a mofo when I get sent to the store to buy female stuff (just cause I can drive and like driving, does *NOT* mean I am my mom's courier service to pick up stuff she doesn't want to be seen with... Grr..) and most of my clothes are basically camo... For a creature of the night that is.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-12-25 08:28am

Actually, this "retrosexual" declaration reminds me of this:

"I Am A Bad American"

Post by **haas mark** » 2003-12-25 09:41am

Dalton wrote:Never seen The Man Show, huh?

Thankfully.

~ver

Post by **Lagmonster** » 2003-12-25 10:03am

I used to think I was a narcissexual. Turns out I just liked to masturbate a lot.

CrimsonRaine · Post by **CrimsonRaine** » 2003-12-25 11:20am

kojikun wrote:Most of those apply to being a proper human. :p

I have to agree, but it was hilarious, either way.

I wonder, though: the list is for retrosexual men. What about retrosexual women?

Crimson Raine

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-12-25 11:48am

CrimsonRaine wrote:I wonder, though: the list is for retrosexual men. What about retrosexual women?

My wife is a retrosexual woman. She likes to have doors opened for her, likes to be treated in an old-fashioned kind of way, etc.

aerius · Post by **aerius** » 2003-12-25 11:57am

Darth Wong wrote:You forgot the part about how a guy who tries too hard to prove he's a retrosexual is probably a closeted homosexual.

Speaking of which here's what one guy on another board posted:

---------------

Well, this is PRETTY close but not exactly right...

A Retrosexual, unless the women really, really, really, insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.

Unless you're married to her, then it's perfectly acceptable to stand back and smile while your wife digs the cash out of her purse. After all, you're just getting a little of your own back!

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

Unless she makes a point of demanding it before it can be offered, then it is appropriate to ask: "Why, your fuckin' arms broke?"

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

Ahhh, here lies the trap that most would be Real Men (FUCK that Retrosexual Bullshit!) fall into more often than not. A Real Man deals with shit that HE thinks is important. If he does not think it's important, then it's YOUR silly-assed little problem and you're cordially invited to take it to someone who GIVES a flying fuck!

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

And his wife/girlfriend/current squeeze cooks it and serves it to him with beer!

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

While I agree in spirit, it is vital for all Real Men to do everything in their powers to live to be at least 101 years old. The reason for this is that the Internal Revenue Service remands all taxes in perpetuity when you reach the age of 100 and if that's not the ultimate way of fucking the government back, I don't know what is! THIS is how to die a Happy (Real!) Man.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

WTFO?

Hair care products?

Head and Shoulders.
ONCE!
That "rinse and repeat" shit is for FAGS!

SKIN CARE PRODUCTS? If you're putting anything on your skin besides Corn Husker's Lotion because of the blisters raised by a full day of splitting 4 cords of wood, you're a FAG!

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old

WTF is a "Hot Topic?"

Hula Hula shirts, flannel, tac vests, black polo shirts and anything with the name of a firearm manufacturer is acceptable. Cover your enormous genitals with Rustler's blue jeans and move on.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.

This includes offing the asshole who insists you deal with shit you don't care to deal with.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

FUCK TV SHOWS! I've got John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, and Charles Bronson on VHS and DVD, who needs TV shows?

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.

DO NOT fuck with my stuff. I'll kill you and no one will ever find the pieces.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

Most of 'em ain't worth it in the SHORT run, either.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

Ignore all but the last sentence here. A Real Man can never benefit from anyone limp wristed enough to make their living giving "professional help." You will be taught to cherish your inner child and eventually seek work in the professional help field. (WARNING! There is no 12 Step Program for 12 Step Programs!)

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

At least one!

The rest of his wardrobe will be selected for it's weapons concealing attributes.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie.

Windsor Knot?
For those of you not keeping up on current events, the Windsors are a bunch of FAGS! Use the Official Marine Corps Approved Four-in-Hand Knot!

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

Provided that at some point in the evening you and several friends attempt to kill each other with swords. Otherwise you're still gay.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

Scars are nature's way of telling you you fucked up. Show us your scars we will laugh heartily at your silly non-ducking ass. (And won't mention our own scars.)

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

If you cannot name at least six different types of hammers, consider sexual re-assignment.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

I'm not going to PROMISE I won't mess with yours. It's not because it feels any better, it's just revenge for pissing me off and besides, the look on your face is hysterical!

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

Piss Poor Prior Planning on your Part does not consititute an emergency on MY part. Them little fuckers got wings on'em, make'em FLY to you!

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

Real men don't use mass transportation. Nor do they care about conserving fossil fuels. That's why God invented the Dodge Ram!

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

Olives? Martinis? I'll kick your scrawny fag ass! Do JD shooters like you got a pair!

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage, cunnilingus skills, and anal sex are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.

Real men do not have small penises. They don't have a "penis" at all, it's called a DICK (Except during sex when it is acceptable to refer to it as "The Big Burning Log of Love" or similar) and it deserves RESPECT! (Failing that, fear is acceptable.)

Thus this entire paragraph is a mistake.

Massage and cunnilingus have their use though. They create the illusion that you care whether she comes or not. That can be beneficial immediately before and after deer season.

Why are guns even mentioned in the same paragraph as sex? Do you talk about your Momma at the Titty Bar???

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-12-25 01:32pm

Now you see, that was an example of a guy who's trying way too hard to prove he's a retrosexual, and who secretly has wet dreams about sucking dick.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

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