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Listen! Hear that? No, seriously, listen really carefully. Hear it now? No? Well, neither do we. That's how quiet things are right now. Forget about drama; we'd settle for an SEC filing. Another freakin' design award. Anything. Instead, though, it's been so quiet that even the crickets are apparently comatose with boredom.

But that's okay, right? Because we make our own fun down here at the AtAT compound! Why, we have it on good authority that with nothing but pushpins and an eraser, we can make a little pig! But why raid the office supplies when we've got the iTunes Music Store to play with?

Yesterday we mentioned in passing that faithful viewer djsteve had purchased a track that cost him the "best 99 cents [he'd] ever spent." The joke, of course, was that it was the second track from The Whitey Album by Ciccone Youth, which consists of a minute and three seconds' worth of silence. To tell you the truth, while we're amused by the fact that Apple is charging 99 cents for a song full o' nothing, we're even more amused by the fact that said track contains the usual digital rights management code to prevent you from playing it on any unauthorized systems. And the most amusing thing of all, of course, is that the song has a thirty-second preview.

Well, as it turns out, the Ciccone Youth track is by no means the only all-silent untune for sale at the iTMS; faithful viewers ben, Scott Levin, and Michael Wyszomierski contributed their own suggestions, too. And you know how Apple recently added a bunch of "iTunes Essentials" playlists to the store, such as "Cover Songs" and "'70s AM Radio Classics"? Well, we've compiled all the silent tracks we managed to scrape together into the first AtAT Essentials playlist, "To Be Played At Maximum Volume." Since we lack the power to add playlists directly to the iTMS, you'll have to buy each of these tracks separately, but here ya go:

1.

"(Silence)" by Ciccone Youth, The Whitey Album (1:03)
2.

"Silence" by Bill Schaeffer, Grain of Sand (1:56)
3.

"(Silent) [1]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:04) [EXPLICIT]
4.

"Silence" by Guster, Keep It Together (0:30)
5.

"Silence" by Pat, Message from a Manchild (0:59)
6.

"(Silent) [2]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:04) [EXPLICIT]
7.

"Silence" by Dean Taba, More Is More (1:00)
8.

"(Silent) [3]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:07) [EXPLICIT]
9.

"Silent Track" by Robert Earl Keen, Walking Distance (1:01)

Note that three of those tracks, the ones by Slum Village, are labeled EXPLICIT. We've listened to them, and we have to agree: combined, that's the dirtiest fifteen seconds of utter silence we've ever not heard. It's so dirty, it's like Handel's Messiah, only, you know, quiet. So for those of you who can't handle EXPLICIT silence, go ahead and substitute these, instead-- they're the same Slum Village tracks, only CLEAN (and, for some reason, titled without parentheses):

3.

"Silent [1]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:04) [CLEAN]

6.

"Silent [2]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:04) [CLEAN]

8.

"Silent [3]" by Slum Village, Trinity (Past, Present, and Future) (0:07) [CLEAN]

And there you have it: nine tracks of professionally-encoded silence-- a total of six minutes and forty-four seconds of the yawning void, all yours for just $8.91. And if you like, you can even keep the EXPLICIT tracks in the main playlist, add the CLEAN ones at the end, and get fifteen bonus seconds of silence for just $2.97 more! Talk about your seven minutes in heaven, right?

It's just a shame that "15 Minutes Silence" by Deuter, as pointed out by faithful viewer Rob Hulson, is an Album-Only purchase. Especially since it is, for some reason, sixteen minutes long...

Shinova wrote:Guess what!?!? You can turn everything off, sit on your couch, and have your own 15 minutes of silence!!!


OMG I just downloaded 15 minutes of silence!! The RIAA's gonna come to my house now!!1!!!!!1111!

Peregrin Toker wrote:On a slightly related topic... didn't Tool once release an album where most of the tracks were silence?

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:

Peregrin Toker wrote:On a slightly related topic... didn't Tool once release an album where most of the tracks were silence?

I think that was KoRn, actually. The first thirteen tracks on Follow the Leader are silent, which I think is about a third of the album.

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:Jesus, that's a little too close to the 99 track limit!

Must be a pain in the ass to skip through when you want to listen to a particular song...

Peregrin Toker wrote:On a slightly related topic... didn't Tool once release an album where most of the tracks were silence?

evilcat4000 wrote:There was once a writter who sold a book that contained no text.

Mayabird wrote:Is it just me, or is most modern art made by high, lazy people? They they find random pieces of junk, or draw a single line, or just call silence 'music', and then market it and apparently think somewhere in their drugged haze of consiousness that it has some deep significance.

Mayabird wrote:Note to self: after taking over the world, amuse self by putting 'modern artists' in detox clinics and making them take basic classes on whatever they claim that they've been doing.

Dalton wrote:Corporations sell silence and blankness because stupid people will buy anything defined as "art".

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:

Dalton wrote:Corporations sell silence and blankness because stupid people will buy anything defined as "art".

Corporations are not to blame. The pretentious arrogant "auteur" sons of bitches are.