Crown wrote:Damn I have two that are pretty funny, but I can't really remember them that well and I am afraid that I will fuck them up... Oh well if I do I am sure someone will correct me!
The first one (true, verified in 2 different publications) is a conversation between a British airways pilot, and a Frankfut (spell?) air controler.
The Frankfut air control, likes to run a tight ship (sort to speak), being on of the busyier airports they tend to be a rude lot to pilots who don't know where to go;
BA: Flight # requesting permission to land.
FAC: Flight # permission granted on runway #.
BA: FAC could you please repeat that?
FAC: Flight # permissing granted on runway #.
BA: FAC, is that the East or West? North or South?
FAC: East, Flight # haven't you
ever been to Frankfut before?
BA: Once in 1945, but I didn't stop to say hi!
The second (possibly just myth) takes place between a US convoy and a Canadian, well you'll see!
US: Unidentified radar contact, we have you on our screen. Change course 15 degrees East to avoid collision.
CAN: Negative, suggest you change course 45 degrees West to avoid collision.
US: Unidentified radar contact, this is the US aircraft carrier #, with a destroyer screen. Suggest you alter course immediatly or hostile action will be taken.
CAN: US naval battle group; this is a lighthouse. Your call.
It's a shame I can't find the original quotes, but you guys get the idea!
Your second one is a myth, I've seen it with three different locations given, both pacific and North Atlantic. The wording isn't right for a radio message, especially the spew about the composition and threat of force. Basically bullshit, but amusing bullshit. I have the full thing.
######################################
"Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
"Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
"Americans: This is the captain of a U. S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
"Canadians: No, I say again you divert your course.
"Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second-largest aircraft carrier in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
"Canadians: This is a lighthouse...your call."
######################################
There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globe-master's intentions were. It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and announced, "I'm going to eat you."
######################################
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat
######################################
Military Bravery
One day, a general of the Army, an Admiral, and an Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.
So the Admiral yells to a passing Sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."
The Army General says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The Private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The Army General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the Air Force General takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Air Force General turns to the others and`says, "Gentlemen, that took balls."
######################################
Which service has the dumbest officers and the smartest conscripts?
In the Army, the general sits in his bunker, pointing at a map where his soldiers have to go. The soldiers then slug through the mud, through minefields untill they are killed or achieve victory.
In the Navy, the officer sits on the same ship as the enlisted men. While the Captain enjoys his cigar in the ops room, he sais where the ship has to sail and when to attack. The sailors then have their ears pounded by the sound of the cannon, haul around with far-too heavy loads, and are lucky if the only accident they run into is bashing their head against a bulkhead. Things are fairer here though. If the ship sinks, not just the crewmembers but the officers drown as well.
And then, the airforce.
Here, the conscripts ready the plane for their officer. The officer then takes off to fight, while the enlisted men are off to the bar to drink their beers.
######################################
A German fighter pilot is making constant jokes on the Army on a cocktail party, finally an army general asks him:
"You've got something against the army?"
The fighter pilot:
"Yes, Sir. Napalm!"
######################################
Airline captain to Clearance Delivery:
- XXX1184 to Boston, and we're a DC-9 today!
Clearance Delivery:
- Roger, cleared to Boston via etc.etc. ....and we'll change the Boeing 737 to a DC-9.
Unidentified pilot:
- Clearance, while you're at it, could you change this Cherokee to a Learjet?
######################################
- Voodo flight, expect a re-route in five minutes....
- Why?
- There is a lot of traffic between you and your destination, we'll have to bring you around.
- In how many minutes again?
- Four minutes.
- OK, expect a radio failure in three minutes!
######################################
Little boy to airline pilot:
- You're a pilot! That must be exciting?
- Well, not if I do it right.
######################################
Last words on the CVR
While flying through the mountains, the last words of a Spanish airline pilot heard on the cockpit voice recorder in response to an audible warning in English from the aircraft safety devices saying: ("Altitude....Altitude....)
"Shut up, Gringo."
