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In regards to a significant other with whom you might be in love with or in the process in falling in love with, is it expected for you to be fully honest and open about all past sexual/romantic experiences, or is it more appropriate to be generally honest about your history but still have skeletons in the closet which you'll keep to yourself for the good of the relationship?

examples of what I'm talking about:

A classy girl, age 24, happened to be a total whore when she was a teenager and slept with 40 guys from the ages of 17-19 but she later cleaned up her act. Should she tell her boyfriend of 2 years about that time of her life, sparing no detail, especially if she's his first girlfriend and only girl he slept with?

A guy, age 26, has been in 2 serious relationships, one of them an engagement to get married. Both relationships ended because he cheated on his girlfriend, but both relationships were years ago. SHould he be forthcoming with his present girlfriend about his past?

I believe in absolute honesty in a relationship, and I would end one just for lying alone (not for the act that is being covered up.)

Girl 1 should definitely be honest, becuase she's done nothing wrong. (in fact, she should have told him 2 years ago...)

Bloke 2, well, he should be honest as well, and learn to live with his mistakes, and the effects they have on his current life.

Keeping skeletons never does anyone any good.

Both just should be honest. The girl has done nothing wrong, and the guy just should show why he isn't what he was all those years ago.

Honesty is the key to any succesful relationship. Even a close friendship.

No, neither should say shit!

Relationships are built on lies upon lies, foundations of lies miles deep, strong as the foundations of the great mountains. The harder and better you lie the longer you'll stay with that person. You start talking about your previous bullshit and then all bets are off.

I'm serious, i've lost girlfreidns because i tried to be too honest. When she asks who that is in the picure, with her hand on yoru ass, say it's your sister, who died, and she was a real flirt but for the sake of God dont tell her it was a previous girl...she'll loose her mind.

Skeletons in the closet? SKELETONS?

Well, the only girlfriend I've had yet was someone I was forced to be together with because of one of her friends' bidding. Needless to say, we broke up after one month.

I suppose that counts as a SKELETON in the closet.

[Ray Bradbury] Just imagine that... a skeleton! One of these segmented, white things. One of these icky, frail, dry things with empty eyesockets, chained to a ring of iron, tucket away in forgotten closets with spider-webs in all corners! One of thes things you can stumble upon in the desert, picked clean by vultures and bleached by the sunlight! [/Ray Bradbury]

Seriously, lying is essencial to protect people's feelings ina relationship. Nothing of a previous relationship should appear in any discussion with a current lover. Lies upon lies, cover the past, and look away forever.

18-Till-I-Die wrote:Seriously, lying is essencial to protect people's feelings ina relationship. Nothing of a previous relationship should appear in any discussion with a current lover. Lies upon lies, cover the past, and look away forever.

Good luck living in your little dream-world.

The truth hurts, but the only way you are going to have a relationship that lasts for a long time (i.e. more than a couple years) is with honesty. So, what are you going to do when somebody other than you blabs about something embarassing you did years ago and never told your SO? Or something embarassing you did recently and never told your SO? Give her the tired old excuse "It's all in the past"?

Sure, like that always works.

Crayz9000 wrote:

18-Till-I-Die wrote:Seriously, lying is essencial to protect people's feelings ina relationship. Nothing of a previous relationship should appear in any discussion with a current lover. Lies upon lies, cover the past, and look away forever.

Good luck living in your little dream-world.

The truth hurts, but the only way you are going to have a relationship that lasts for a long time (i.e. more than a couple years) is with honesty. So, what are you going to do when somebody other than you blabs about something embarassing you did years ago and never told your SO? Or something embarassing you did recently and never told your SO? Give her the tired old excuse "It's all in the past"?

Sure, like that always works.

Depends. Embarisment i can deal with, i mean former relationships. Slight differnce.

OTOH, perhaps it would be better to come clean. But sometime sit's difficult to explain what happened to you in previous times. Relationships are fragile, why risk it with something that you did or person you fucked in the past. Normally, it doesnt even come up.

I dont know, i did so much shit before i cleane dup, i wouldnt want anyone to know. Sometimes, it's better to just keep it quiet, get me? She give soff signals, "I dont want to know", dont tell.

EDIT: and i'm being a hugely hypocritical dick, seeing as i hate it when people lie for other reasons, but to protect someone i care about's feelings i will lie my ass off.

But your probably right about being upfront about your past ina relationship. But even still, teher should be an established point where 'up front' stops.

What I mean is that while you may be embarassed, your SO may be incensed that you kept such a thing hidden for so long. Take a good look around. Leaks happen all the time, SOs get completely incensed and in some cases go completely berserk. You do not want that happening, so you may as well get the shit off your chest at the first good chance.

Part of honesty is knowing when exactly to talk, of course. With most people, you don't want to talk about your past history on the first date (and go into all the gory details). And you don't want to hold something in for years and then let it slip, which could piss them off so much that they could injure somebody. But if the two people gradually open themselves up -- that is, they become completely honest with each other -- not only will they likely become closer, but the chance of skeletons causing damage is removed. If somebody spills the beans about some past fling, or something like that, the result might be "So?"

That actually makes a great deal of sense.

Bertie Wooster wrote:A classy girl, age 24, happened to be a total whore when she was a teenager and slept with 40 guys from the ages of 17-19 but she later cleaned up her act. Should she tell her boyfriend of 2 years about that time of her life, sparing no detail, especially if she's his first girlfriend and only girl he slept with?

Did she have sex with 40 guys for money?. If so, she's a whore. If she did it for free she's a slut.

Regardless, she should tell her current SO that she has "a past", one involving promiscuous sex, but that she's learned the error of her ways (if she has, in fact, stopped slutting around)

If she was an actual whore, that is, a prostitute, then she should also tell her SO because concealment of a past felony can get you into all sorts of serious trouble if later discovered after, say, marriage..

However, she should NOT give blow-by-blow descriptions whether she was a slut or a whore. Her current boyfriend probably does not want to hear minute descriptions of how she pleasured other men, how many, how often, where, and so on. Honesty does not include violating the privacy of other people not involved in the current relationship.

A guy, age 26, has been in 2 serious relationships, one of them an engagement to get married. Both relationships ended because he cheated on his girlfriend, but both relationships were years ago. SHould he be forthcoming with his present girlfriend about his past?

Yes, he should mention that he has had two previous relationships. Anyone who would go apeshit because someone has had a prior intimate relationship is a headcase you don't want to be close to anyway.

While my first impulse is to be forthright about how those relationships ended, if he admits to cheating it WILL affect his current relationship. It might even end it. On the other hand, if he can't stop his impulse to cheat it will end sooner or later anyway.

If these episodes occurred six months ago I'd say she's probably be right to dump him - if it was 10 years ago and he can make a case he's changed in other ways, though, it might be OK. But if he's cheating is known in the neighborhood he needs to tell her first - if she finds out from someone else he's going to be SOL.

The truth almost always comes out one way or another, the friends' rumor network is a lot more extensive than you can imagine. Even if you go off to college on the other side of the country, your GF/BF may have a friend who has a cousin who has a friend who went to that same college and was probably your roomate or something, and once word filters back on some exploits your didn't tell your partner about well, you're in deep doo-doo. And if you've ever talked to your buddies about your adventures so to speak, well, there's a very good chance those stories will get to your partner, people talk, and I can almost guarantee that your partner's and your circle of friends will overlap, meaning word will get around.

I've seen lots of relationships break up because word of something came up which made it obvious that someone was lying. I've even seen a marriage get called off because the chick found out her BF was lying his ass of to her, everything was all booked & arranged but when she found out, bam, she dumped his ass like a sack of shit.

Now, as others have said there's a time & place for filling in the backstory, and the first date usually ain't it. I can't say it's easy but it's gotta be done. How & when depends on the person & how well the relationship's going, but try to get it done with as soon as possible. It's easier to explain things when your partner's not spazzing out at you because word of your exploits got to him/her before you filled them in on it. Explaining things is hard enough, trying to do so when your partner's spazzing at you is pretty much impossible.

I was very lucky that I didn't have to go through this with my GF, we were good friends before we started going out so we already knew the "interesting" details of each others lives. Which leads me to say something I say a lot. The "friend" part of girlfriend/boyfriend is the most important part, they are you friends, and you should not be afraid to tell them anything that you'd tell your drinking buddies, golf buddies, or other friends. I'm completely open with my GF, she knows about all the ugly shit I've done in past, she knows I have dirty thoughts about her sister, and so on & so forth, and I know things about her that only her sister knows.

Of course they should be honest with their SOs and share their pasts, but at the same time they should be mindful of how soon into the relationship they choose to share their info. Sharing lots and lots and lots of personal details very early in a relationship could just freak your SO out and scare him/her/it off.

Obviously the chick who's been with her boyfriend for 2 years is in no danger of that. In my opinion she should have told him during their first couple of months of dating.

And as for the guy who cheated in the past--I have never known anyone who's cheated, even people who've been caught in the act, to come forth and later admit to their SOs that they cheated. Good for him if he tells her, but I won't hold my breath in anticipation of that event.

Bertie Wooster wrote:In regards to a significant other with whom you might be in love with or in the process in falling in love with, is it expected for you to be fully honest and open about all past sexual/romantic experiences, or is it more appropriate to be generally honest about your history but still have skeletons in the closet which you'll keep to yourself for the good of the relationship?

Well not in minute detail. But enough so that the person gets the gist of what the past was like.

But really, only if it is asked about or becomes an issue. I mean you don't go up to a girl after you've gone out with her a couple of weeks and just blurt out how you used to have sex with 10 girls a week when you were in college.

examples of what I'm talking about:

A classy girl, age 24, happened to be a total whore when she was a teenager and slept with 40 guys from the ages of 17-19 but she later cleaned up her act. Should she tell her boyfriend of 2 years about that time of her life, sparing no detail, especially if she's his first girlfriend and only girl he slept with?

Well, if she caught anything she should have told him upfront a long time ago.

Also, she should tell him, but doesn't need to give really detailed information.

A guy, age 26, has been in 2 serious relationships, one of them an engagement to get married. Both relationships ended because he cheated on his girlfriend, but both relationships were years ago. SHould he be forthcoming with his present girlfriend about his past?

Only if he isn't planning on cheating again.

But seriously, yes, but he would also need to act really contrite about his actions.

I'm pleased overall with what I'm hearing. I was worried because many older more experienced folks in my life from whom I solicit advice and counsel told me that EVERYONE has "skeletons in their closet" that they would NEVER tell their lovers/BF/GF about.

I don't feel that cynical or that "corrupted" to believe that. In regards to the process of being in love, true love can't be manifested w/o two souls opening up with each other, letting the other in and coalesce. You can't simply present some edited persona to the other person, and have them fall in love with that, and really be in love. It's a sad thing if you spend years with someone, and you still keep them at a distance.

Crayz9000 wrote:

18-Till-I-Die wrote:Seriously, lying is essencial to protect people's feelings ina relationship. Nothing of a previous relationship should appear in any discussion with a current lover. Lies upon lies, cover the past, and look away forever.

Good luck living in your little dream-world.

The truth hurts, but the only way you are going to have a relationship that lasts for a long time (i.e. more than a couple years) is with honesty. So, what are you going to do when somebody other than you blabs about something embarassing you did years ago and never told your SO? Or something embarassing you did recently and never told your SO? Give her the tired old excuse "It's all in the past"?

Sure, like that always works.

Well, he has a point in that some people need to mature before they can handle the truth. I'm not advocating lying, but sometimes you just know people who can't handle their shit.

For example, I've known girls who claimed that they didn't have sex because, while his dick was 6 inches deep in her, he didn't come, so it didn't count. Someone like this will not relate to you or your experiences if you are completely honest, and you will lose the relationship. (Not that it was necessarily worth saving.)

Also, give a person time to warm up to you and your personality.
Saying "I left my wife after I convinced her to do threesomes with army guys, but I'm different now" on the first date will NEVER help you have a relationship.