World History According to College Students

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2004-05-29 03:19am

A collection of quotes taken from Non Campus Mentis, a very funny book that consists of a narrative of world history taken from the blue book exams and term papers written by college students. (sic) thoroughout the entire post.

"History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives us incite into the anals of the past."

"Bible legend states that the trouble started after Eve ate the Golden Apple of Discord. This was the forbidding fruit. An angry God sent his wraith. Men fell from the space of grace. It was mostly downhill skiing from there."

"There was Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt. Lower Egypt was actually farther up than Upper Egypt, which was, of course, lower down than the upper part. This is why we learn geography as a factor in history.."

"Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. Flooding was erotic."

"The Assyrian program of exterminating various ethnic groups generally failed to promote cultural diversity."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"The history of the Jewish people begins with Abraham, Isaac, and their twelve children. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named 'Yahoo.'"

"Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes the trip and the amazing things that happening on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal. Forty centuries later they arrived in Canada. This was the promise land of milk and chocolate. Noah's Ark came to its end near Mt. Arafat. David was a fictional character in the Bible who fought with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling. He pleased the people and saved them from attacks by the Philipines."

"Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs."

"Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans."

"The Ancient Greeks founded the Olympics in about 1896."

"Scipio was called 'Africanus' because he served in Spain."

"Cesar inspired his men by stating 'I came, I saw, I went.' When he was assinated, he is reported to have said 'Me Too, Brutus!'"

"Augustus (a.k.a. Octagenarian) founded the Roman Catholic Empire and punished those involved in sibilancy and adultery. The symbol of his authority was the cross. He put it everywhere. Augustus did have to leave the Empire due to his death."

"Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"Eventually Christians started the new religion with savings like 'The mice shall inherit the Earth.' Later Christians fortunately abandoned the idea."

"The entire city of Constantiniple rose up with a tremendous ejaculation every time the emperor came."

"Athena the Hun rampaged the Balkans as far as France, where he plumaged and tortured people of the villages he captured."

"When they finally got to Italy, the Australian Goths were tired of plungering and needed to rest. Italy was ruled by the Visible Goths, while France and Spain were ruled by the Invisible Goths."

"During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark."

"During the Middle Ages everyone was middle aged."

"Power belonged to a patriarchy empowering all genders except the female. Nuns, for example, were generally women. In the early part of the Middle Ages female nuns were free to commit random acts of contrition and redemption. Later they were forcibly enclustered in harems."

"In 1066 England was overrun by Norman the Conqueror."

"The Hundred Years War (1320-1600) was fought over English holidays in France."

"The Mongrels advanced into Syria and Egypt in 1260."

"Harun al-Rashid rose to Calico of the Islams."

"Jihad became a Swahili God."

More to come if you like.

Anhaga · Post by **Anhaga** » 2004-05-29 03:48am

"The Pyrenees are a mountain range in Egypt built by the Pharaohs."

Sarevok · Post by **Sarevok** » 2004-05-29 05:58am

"Harun al-Rashid rose to Calico of the Islams."

I believe it should be calipha not calico.

Drooling Iguana · Post by **Drooling Iguana** » 2004-05-29 06:27am

Praise Zorro!

DocHorror · Post by **DocHorror** » 2004-05-29 06:57am

I think I may have found a new sig.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2004-05-29 10:14am

"Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes the trip and the amazing things that happening on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal. Forty centuries later they arrived in Canada. This was the promise land of milk and chocolate. Noah's Ark came to its end near Mt. Arafat. David was a fictional character in the Bible who fought with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling. He pleased the people and saved them from attacks by the Philipines."

Are they trying to be wiseasses, like that kid who wrote the essay on Walt Whitman that said he was a child molester who died at Disneyland?

mauldooku · Post by **mauldooku** » 2004-05-29 10:27am

ROFL! Those are PRICELESS!

El Moose Monstero · Post by **El Moose Monstero** » 2004-05-29 10:43am

Personally my take on these things has always been that bored teachers sit around and write these down, email them to their friends, who email them to...etc...etc... urban legend is born.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2004-05-29 11:39am

The_Lumberjack wrote:Personally my take on these things has always been that bored teachers sit around and write these down, email them to their friends, who email them to...etc...etc... urban legend is born.

You have too much faith in college students. Anyway, I'll post some more in a while.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2004-05-29 11:58am

You should see some of the shit from college students that my Dad has to grade.

"The Russian offensive managed to clear the Kruschev salient and allowed the Russin war machine to roll into Paris..."

"The Assyrian program of exterminating various ethnic groups generally failed to promote cultural diversity."

That's my favorite.

SyntaxVorlon · Post by **SyntaxVorlon** » 2004-05-30 01:03am

The_Lumberjack wrote:Personally my take on these things has always been that bored teachers sit around and write these down, email them to their friends, who email them to...etc...etc... urban legend is born.

My dad, a polisci prof, sends me a list of stupid things some of his students have written down. These things may actually be real.

Howedar · Post by **Howedar** » 2004-05-30 01:26am

*whispers* That's cause they're poli-sci students...

Post by **NecronLord** » 2004-05-30 03:25am

Post by **NecronLord** » 2004-05-30 03:56am

evilcat4000 wrote: I believe it should be calipha not calico.

That's kinda the point, (Though I thought it was Caliph, I could be wrong.)

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2004-05-31 11:32pm

NecronLord wrote:MORE

OK. Here you go:

"The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras."

"Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks."

"Death rates exceeded one hundred percent in some towns."

"New things loamed on the horizon. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Revolters ran apluck. Women were nowhere to be found."

"Escaped peasants could be free if they went to a city and hid there for a hundred years and a day."

"The French king moved the Popes to Arizona where he could keep an eye on them."

"John Huss refused to decant his ideas about the church and was therefore burned as a steak."

"The rensasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy."

"Thomas More put the capital "H" in Humanism. Erasmus wrote the New Testament."

"[Renaissance merchants] increased profets by paying interest to people who borrowed money from them."

"Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon."

"Mother to Elizabeth was Anne Beau Lynne, wife of the moment to Henry VIII."

"As queen, Elizabeth was the foremost monarch of the Elizabethan era. In 1588 she calmed her soldiers during a Spnish attack by assuring them that she shared a stomach with her father."

"Explorers went to look for trade roots. Ships were microscopically small."

"This was the beginning of Empire when Europeans felt the need to reach out and smack someone. Man was determined to civilise his brothers, even if heads had to roll!"

"Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Granola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf States."

"Columbus came to America to install rule by dead white males over the native peoples."

"Cortez was the leader of a little group of torriadors who subdued the inhabitants of New Mexico with great ease. Small box, which they brought with them, was killing the natives at a very quick rate. This bothered the Spanish little, for as Catholics they did not believe in God."

"Balboa was the first to lay down his eyes on the Rocky Mountains."

"The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures."

"An angry Martin Luther nailed ninety-five theocrats to a church door. The Pope's response was to declare Luther hereditary."

"Calvin was born a generation after Luther and is seen as one of Luther's greatest predecessors. He accepted all of Luther's ideas except that of birth."

"Calvinists were the only ones who believed in pre-detonation. It is not surprising that their preaching consisted mainly of dogmatic explosions."

"Witch hunts erupted in countries such as Germany, England, Scotland, and Salem. The victim profile was older post-marsupial women unable to bare children."

"Philip II later annoyed the Dutch by speaking to them in Spanish, a language he did not understand."

"Henry VIII survived an assault from the Papal Bull."

Even more to come later, if you want.

entfern · Post by **entfern** » 2004-05-31 11:49pm

My opnion of my fellow classmates has gone down considerably. . .I didn't realize that we were such an undereducated bunch

I thought El nino being bad becuse it was from Mexico and stuff like that only went till Jr. High and idiot Highschoolers. . .

Batman · Post by **Batman** » 2004-05-31 11:49pm

Joe wrote: Even more to come later, if you want.

By all means no. I don't think I can stand any more of this.

'In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular'.
Yeah. Right. WHAT?

Brilliant stuff!!

Montcalm · Post by **Montcalm** » 2004-06-01 12:01am

ROFLMFFCAO

Its kind of depressing to see who are future leaders might be.

Post by **fgalkin** » 2004-06-01 01:00am

"The Assyrian program of exterminating various ethnic groups generally failed to promote cultural diversity."

"Calvin was born a generation after Luther and is seen as one of Luther's greatest predecessors. He accepted all of Luther's ideas except that of birth."

"Philip II later annoyed the Dutch by speaking to them in Spanish, a language he did not understand."

Bwahahahaha.

More, please

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2004-06-01 01:11am

entfern wrote: My opnion of my fellow classmates has gone down considerably. . .I didn't realize that we were such an undereducated bunch I thought El nino being bad becuse it was from Mexico and stuff like that only went till Jr. High and idiot Highschoolers. . .

Like all things Spanish, it is extremely dangerous.

Tzeentch · Post by **Tzeentch** » 2004-06-01 01:25am

These are pretty old.

My favorite has always been:

Silas McCormick invented the mechanical raper, which could do the work of a hundred men.

Mitth`raw`nuruodo · Post by **Mitth`raw`nuruodo** » 2004-06-01 01:29am

Tzeentch wrote:These are pretty old.

My favorite has always been:

Silas McCormick invented the mechanical raper, which could do the work of a hundred men.

The full quote of that one is even more hilarious:

"The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men."

Post by **Kuja** » 2004-06-01 01:32am

*puts head in hands and...cries...*

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2004-06-01 01:36am

I very seriously doubt the authenticity of these.

Post by **Gandalf** » 2004-06-01 03:11am

Classique!