BackBerner (Aussies will know what I'm talking about)

OT: anything goes!

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weemadando
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BackBerner (Aussies will know what I'm talking about)

Post by weemadando »

From BackBerner (http://www.abc.net.au/backberner/default.htm), one of Australia's better satire programs:

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GUN CONTROL

Yes, Australia is again calling for tighter gun control laws after the Monash shootings. Just a few more massacres and you never know, we could maybe have some of the tightest gun restrictions in the world!

America on the other hand isn’t even considering restrictions on guns. If they weren’t willing to hand in their guns after JR got shot – what difference does thirteen strangers in Washington make?

I don’t mean to sound callous but let’s face it, your average American’s idea of gun control is keeping the safety on.

And they always come back to the same argument, don’t they? The right to bare arms is in the constitution! Yes, well maybe that was referring to every American's inalienable right to wear T-shirts in any weather.

But as for actually initiating gun control in America, you don’t have to do it overnight. Start small. Maybe a gun amnesty. Of course, the problem is, Americans are so fond of their constitution, you’d probably have to organise it at gunpoint.



GUN CONTROL INTERVIEW

BB:
Last week’s shootings at Monash University have prompted calls for tougher controls on handguns despite revelations that the man who allegedly fired the shots was a licensed gun owner with permits for seven handguns. I’m joined in the studio by gun lobbyist Henry Callahan. Mr Callahan, the Prime Minister seems determined to change the laws that currently make access to handguns so easy.

CALLAHAN: (Mr Callahan is wearing a large flat cowboy hat and a poncho)
Well we’re just not going to let that happen.

BB:
What do you mean ‘we’?

CALLAHAN:
Smith, Wesson and me.

BB:
I see. But the gun lobby has to concede that tougher controls on handguns would help reduce shooting deaths.

CALLAHAN:
Louise, Australia’s 750,000 registered gun owners still have 2.1 million guns, including handguns. So I know what you’re thinking. Did he include illegal guns or didn’t he?

BB:
And did you?

CALLAHAN:
Well, to tell you the truth in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But, being this is a point-44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your civil rights clean off, and given almost anyone can still get a license for one of these in Australia right now, you’ve got to ask yourself one question:

BB:
“Why are they legal?”

CALLAHAN:
"Do I feel lucky?"

BB:
Yes, well…

CALLAHAN:
Well, do ya, punk?

BB:
No, but I will when the gun laws are changed.

CALLAHAN:
Go ahead, make my day.



UN SPANKING UK

Now you may be wondering why there isn't peace yet in the Middle East. Well it's because the UN is too busy working on serious issues - like spanking.

Yes, the UN is angry because Britain refuses to ban spanking children. Why? Because obviously they're violating the international UN convention on bottie smacks.

What the UN fails to realise is that the British are so repressed, if they weren't allowed to beat their children they'd never have any physical contact with them at all.

And if the UN thinks they can rely on the British Parliament to uphold their convention they've got another thing coming. Asking British MPs to give up having their bottoms spanked by someone dressed as Matron is like asking Roseanne to put the pork chop down and back away from the buffet. It ain't going to happen in your lifetime, Chumley.

Spanking is what gave Britain an empire where the sun never set - which meant the kids couldn't be sent to bed - so they had to be spanked.

So spank away Brits! Spanking is what gives you that stiff upper lip we all admire.

Although perhaps if Prince Phillip hadn't beaten Prince Charles so often, he wouldn't be the only 54-year-old man in the entire world who still refers to his parents as "Mummy" and "Daddy".


DEXTER ON PEACE

BB:
Anti-war rumbling continues with public demonstrations both here and in Europe. We asked our correspondent for government reconciliation, Dexter Pinion, to gauge public sentiment.

DEXTER:
Yes, thank you Peter. Indeed I have gauged public sentiment and frankly I only wish I had a twelve gauge so I could start sending some long hairs to meet John Lennon. I watched the demonstrations in Rome and I was appalled by the numbers of pallid, pansy, piss-weak peace-niks poncing about with their pitiful placards. Thank God they weren’t protesting the selling of sea shells by the sea shore, that’s all can say.

What these anti-war wankers patently fail to realise is that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction. Or to put it in a way that the current McDonald’s-munching yahoo-yooves can understand, Iraq has things that make you go “boom”.

My old college chum Sly and His Family Stone once sang “War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nuthin!” Well Sly you were wrong about that just like you were wrong when you said that doing 87 acid tabs in one night wouldn’t make my hair fall out. War is good for something, stopping bigger wars.

It must be wonderful to be young and dance through life thinking about rainbows, saying “Isn’t Peace Super” and wanting to give everybody the benefit of the doubt and a lovely big bear hug. In fact I remember someone who conducted his foreign policy that way, his name was Neville Chamberlain. For our younger viewers he was a nice man who had a lot of faith in pieces of paper and men with moustaches.

That’s right tree huggers! Its time to shut up and step up to the plate to do your bit!. Because if you really were committed to peace you’d be joining the non-combatant army reserve administrative dental core tomorrow. I did yesterday so I will outrank you.

Lance Corporal D. Pinion, who wouldn’t blink twice if friendly fire took out the AB friggin’ C.

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All fun isn't it!
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