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Robert Scott Anderson INDICTED FOR TAX EVASION, MISAPPROPRIATION OF FUNDS

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Wed, Nov 3, 2004 at 06:27:20 EST

Hattiesburg, Mississippi (INDY) -- A local Hattiesburg man was placed under arrest yesterday when it was discovered he had been running an illegal offshore operation for the past decade.

"You pigs don't even know the half of it!" sputtered Anderson as he was dragged away in handcuffs. Anderson is being investigated for his role in a vending machine scheme that earned him millions of dollars in pennies, nickels and dimes that he was then funneling through a false corporation located on a small island off the coast of New Jersey.

"The suspect hadn't thought to convert the embezzled change into cash, and he was witnessed on several occasions dragging large, clanking bags down to the pier," Lieutenant Han Solo announced in a press conference. "We've got hours of surveillance tape that show him heaving large sacks into a small boat, then rowing frantically away in the direction of New Jersey."

Anderson is expected to be arraigned earlier today in downtown Hattiesburg. "Why did it have to be pennies?" he was heard mournfully sighing as Lt. Han Solo locked the paddy wagon doors on him.

Hattiesburg, Mississippi (INDY) - Famed Professional Moron Robert Anderson was one of those arrested in a massive crack cocaine bust in Hattiesburg last night, say police.

According to Police Department spokesperson Praxis, police entered the home of known crack dealer Mike Wong at approximately 3:07 a.m. Sunday morning, after receiving a noise complaint from a neighboring discotheque. "Upon entering the apartment, we found several people huddled around a crack pipe, At this time we did not see the suspect in question. We then broke down a locked bathroom door, and found Robert Anderson, dressed only in a trucker hat and Ugg boots, frantically attempting to flush approximately 50 kilos of crack cocaine."

"When Anderson was confronted, he screamed "This is just my baking soda! I'm bakin' for my momma!" Police promptly escorted Mr. Anderson to the Hattiesburg County Jail, where he is being held on $4,000 bond.

Anderson has struggled in the past with drug, anger, chocolate, shopping, and sex addiction issues. The now-noseless Anderson has also received treatment for an apparent cosmetic surgery addiction. This is his first arrest for crack cocaine possession.

Mike Wong LIED ABOUT MILITARY RECORD, SOURCES REVEAL

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Wed, Nov 3, 2004 at 07:11:54 EST

Ontario, Canada (INDY) -- Supporters and critics of Mike Wong were shocked to learn yesterday that the 6000 year-old Ontario local had completely and utterly lied about past experience in the military.

Wong has repeatedly made statements in speeches and interviews claiming he saved the lives of all the members of his transport stationed in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Despite shrapnel damage to his left leg, hearing loss suffered when a grenade detonated in his helmet and a severe shark bite to the upper torso, Wong claimed he managed to save all 28 men in his platoon, plus the life of a Japanese fisherman who had accidentally come across the scene. Wong has often walked with a limp, citing the incident as the reason.

Yesterday journalist Billy Bob Sue Joe reported he had researched Wong's alleged past, and was shocked to find that not only had Wong lied about his involvement in the Navy in WW II, but that he was in fact born in 1769 and did not even exist at the time of these events. A criminal investigation is pending.

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Wed, Nov 3, 2004 at 07:41:22 EST

Emmen, Holland (INDY) -- Local Cheesemaker Bastiaan Steffens is holed up in his Emmen home tonight amidst swirling allegations that he engaged in an inappropriate relationship with his underage intern.

"I seen that Steffens crossing the state border with a large lump next to him in the car, covered in a blanket. At first I thought it was a load of laundry, but then I saw a load of blonde hair and known it was that underage intern done works for him," said local snoop Praxis.

Steffens was confronted as he entered his Emmen Works office building today, but refused to answer reporters' questions and became openly agitated when confronted on his whereabouts on the night of Nov 1.

"Whatever a man does in the privacy of his car as he races 'cross state lines ain't but nobody's business," Steffens bellowed. When informed that crossing state lines with an underage intern is a felony he sniffed and replied: "I didn't even know that underage intern was underage, and none of us can prove it."

Police are investigating the claims of both Praxis and an unnamed farmer who swears he saw a fuschia-poncho clad Steffens smuggling a donkey into a U-Haul last week.

Damaramu The Great CAUGHT WITH ALLEGED PROSTITUTES IN MOTEL RAID

BY LINDSAY ROBERTSON
Wed, Nov 3, 2004 at 09:21:12 EST

Houston, Texas (INDY) - Sword for hire and adventurer Damaramu The Great was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning, after police raided a suspected brothel being run out of a Texas motel.

A press conference was held outside the Houston County Jail yesterday, where Police Department Spokesperson Bubba Wayne Smith had this to say:

"Acting on a tip from an informant, the Houston Police Department executed a raid on room 203 of the Fairview Motel. As expected, we found several suspected prostitutes along with a bottle of prescription medication commonly taken for erectile dysfunction. Damaramu The Great was found in bed with two of the alleged prostitutes, wearing nothing but argyle socks. After a confrontation in which he resisted arrest, screaming "Do you know who I am? I'm the best Sword for hire and adventurer in the world!" officers exchanged his pink feathered handcuffs for new ones and escorted him to the Houston County Jail.

The Great was booked for soliciting a prostitute and resisting arrest. His bond was set at $300, but he has yet to post bail. He is currently awaiting trial and has been placed in solitary confinement due to extreme personality conflicts with both prisoners and guards.

Mike Wong INDICTED FOR TAX EVASION, MISAPPROPRIATION OF FUNDS

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Wed, Nov 3, 2004 at 09:23:47 EST

Ontario, Canada (INDY) -- A local Ontario man was placed under arrest yesterday when it was discovered he had been running an illegal offshore operation for the past decade.

"You pigs don't even know the half of it!" sputtered Wong as he was dragged away in handcuffs. Wong is being investigated for his role in a vending machine scheme that earned him millions of dollars in pennies, nickels and dimes that he was then funneling through a false corporation located on a small island off the coast of New Jersey.

"The suspect hadn't thought to convert the embezzled change into cash, and he was witnessed on several occasions dragging large, clanking bags down to the pier," Lieutenant DarkStar announced in a press conference. "We've got hours of surveillance tape that show him heaving large sacks into a small boat, then rowing frantically away in the direction of New Jersey."

Wong is expected to be arraigned earlier today in downtown Ontario. "Why did it have to be pennies?" he was heard mournfully sighing as Lt. DarkStar locked the paddy wagon doors on him.