The Humor Thread

[Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi]

In this thread, people do a comedy routine (it can be any type), and others reply with their own. Try not to be too offensive.

[Anarchist Bunny]

Try not to be too offensive.

Fuck off than. Nothing personal, but unless it's offends someone it's not comedy. Fuck those prudish jew black asian whiteys.

[Anarchist Bunny]

By the way that was not a list, i was describing some magic ethenicity that gets pissed off at the slightest thing. PLEASE DON"T HURT ME OH MIGHTY MODS!

[David]

*slaps shit out of bunnietroll*

[Lord Ghykon]

The Art of Farting

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having a "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) your partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location...

Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!

[Wicked Pilot]

OK, here goes, my first stab at standup...


The United States Department of Defense has decided that during the upcoming fiscal year, downsizing will be needed to make the budget. Included in the personal cuts is the requirements that several general officers be retired. Since no generals volunteer to be seperated, the DOD has prepared an incentive to entice them into retirement. The offer is this, if a general volunteers to retire, the DOD will pay him or her $1000 for every inch between two parts of their body, selected by the generals themselves.

The first taker is an Army general. He decides to ask the DOD to measure from the sole of his feet to the top of his head as he is standing up. A DOD employee measures the distance to be 70 inches. The general receives a severence package of $70,000.

The second taker is an Air Force general. Being from the Air Force, he is somewhat smarter than the other four stars. He has the DOD measure from the sole of his feet, to the tips of his fingers while he is standing up, extending his arms above his head. He receives a very nice severence package of $84,000.

The third taker is a Marine Corp general. Being from the Marines, he isn't necessarily smarter, but he sure thinks he is. He ask the DOD to measure from the tip of his penis, to the base of his testicles. The DOD, confused, reiterate that it is $1000 per inch, and give him the Army and Air Force examples. The Marine is adamant, he wants to be measured from the tip of his penis, to the base of this testicles. So reluctantly, the DOD employee ask the general to drop his pants, and begins with the measuring. After several minutes trying to measure the general, the DOD employee is confused, and ask the general. "sir, I have a slight problem, I can't seem to find your testicles, where are they?" With a smile the general replies "Vietnam."

[David]

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) your partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

Child's rhyme
Beans, beans, a wonderful fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot the better you feel,
So eat your beans with every meal!



USAF Ace: Wow! that was fuuuuuuny.

[MKSheppard]

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes
an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts
slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS
and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably
causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop
your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*************************

WHILE SOMEONE IS IN THE SHITTER NEXT TO YOU:

HOLY SHIT: Grunt real hard for 2-3 minutes, then drop a cantelope into the toilet
from 5 or 6 feet high.

SHIT: Smear some peanut butter all over a wad of toilet paper, flip it under the
wall to the next stall. Ask the guy next to ya to hand it back.

WATCH OUT: As soon as the water is hitting the toilet, spray a shaken up
can of Mountain Dew all over the stall (especially under the stall wall) while
hollering "Whoa Boy!".

HELP: Take a small dental mirror, shine it under the stall wall so you can
see the dood next to you, and tell em you were just feeling lonely.

**************