Flight Funnies

[Kuja]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==============

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===============

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

==================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

=====================

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

====================

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

[Lord Sauron-Tyranus-Vader]

Pretty funny.

[Warspite]

LMAO. Damn funny! I specially liked the "dreaded seven engine approach"!

[Admiral Valdemar]

Hehe.

[XPViking]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (I honestly don't know about the last statement but enjoy!)

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

----------

XPViking

[Vertigo1]

ROFL

Those are good.

[The Dark]

True story here, I was on this flight:

I was sitting on my flight from Orlando to Chicago en route to Los Angeles on a rainy December day 6 years ago. About 25 minutes after we were supposed to take off, we're still sitting at the terminal, and a stewardess turns on the microphone. She tells us she's sorry for the delay, but water has been found in the overhead area, and they want to make sure it's the air conditioner leaking, not a leak in the fuselage. Roughly ten minutes later, she comes back on: "The mechanics think it's the air conditioner leaking, so we're going to try to take off." We go through all the procedures. The moment the airplane goes nose-up and gets off the runway, about 10 gallons of water come pouring out of the baggage compartments, hitting the row behind me. We made it to Chicago safely. It was just the air conditioner, but it was still somewhat frightening and funny.

[Evil Sadistic Bastard]

Suckas...
This whole thing is pretty damn funny.

[Kuja]

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

Sounds like something our beloved government would say.

[Enlightenment]

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

No, these aren't QANTAS maint reports. The list is either an urban legend or something from military aviation. Civil aircraft don't have IFFs or 'target radars,' and I don't think QANTAS operates four engine turboprops either.

[Archaic`]

For the record, QANTAS has had 1 accident in its lifetime. That was only a few years ago. I think it was the movie "Rainman" (Something like that anyway. I've never actually seen it. ^^; ) which made their service record (At the time, spotless) common knowledge.

[XPViking]

No, these aren't QANTAS maint reports. The list is either an urban legend or something from military aviation. Civil aircraft don't have IFFs or 'target radars,' and I don't think QANTAS operates four engine turboprops either. - Enlightenment

Awwww. Always trying to ruin my fun. Anyhow, a quick search on Snoopes didn't back up your claim. Perhaps you have some alternative sources? Mind you, irrespective of the sources (Qantas or military), they are still funny.

XPViking

[Kuja]

Mind you, irrespective of the sources (Qantas or military), they are still funny.

No shitting.