Computer Stupidities Web Site wrote:The following is a large collection of stories and anecdotes about clueless computer users. It's a baffling phenomenon that in today's society an individual, who might in other circumstances be considered smart and wise, can sit down in front of a computer screen and instantly lose every last shred of common sense he ever possessed. Complicate this phenomenon with a case of "computerphobia," and you end up with tech support personnel having phone conversations that are funny in retrospect but seem like perfectly valid motives for wild machine gun shooting sprees at the time. You will read stories in this file that will convince you that among the human race are human-shaped artichokes futilely attempting to break the highly regarded social convention that vegetables should not operate electronic equipment. And yet, amidst the vast, surging quantities of stupidity are perfectly excusable technological mishaps -- but that are amusing nonetheless. After all, even the best of us engages in a little brainless folly every once in a while.
Most of these stories are true. Some happened to me personally. Some happened to friends of mine. Some are considered urban legends, but even most of these are more likely to have happened in some form or another than not. Skeptics look at such stories and doubt their truth. But reason, common sense, and experience tell me that if you sit someone who isn't computer literate (even a smart someone) down in front of a computer, you're bound to accrue anecdotes no less outrageous than these. You'd be surprised.
Computer Stupidities
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Einhander Sn0m4n
- Insane Railgunner
- Posts: 18630
- Joined: 2002-10-01 05:51am
- Location: Louisiana... or Dagobah. You know, where Yoda lives.
Computer Stupidities
http://rinkworks.com/stupid/
Lol
For antifundies:
* Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
* Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"
* Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
* Customer: [click]
For antigunzealots:
About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)
I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask.
* Me: "Did you shoot...?"
* Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?"
I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.
About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."
We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.
For antifundies:
* Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
* Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"
* Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
* Customer: [click]
For antigunzealots:
About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)
I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask.
* Me: "Did you shoot...?"
* Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?"
I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.
About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."
We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.
ah.....the path to happiness is revision of dreams and not fulfillment... -SWPIGWANG
Sufficient Googling is indistinguishable from knowledge -somebody
Anything worth the cost of a missile, which can be located on the battlefield, will be shot at with missiles. If the US military is involved, then things, which are not worth the cost if a missile will also be shot at with missiles. -Sea Skimmer
George Bush makes freedom sound like a giant robot that breaks down a lot. -Darth Raptor
* Customer: "About time too. Are you a real person?"
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "I moved some stuff I don't use to the trash and deleted the trash, and now I'm getting all sorts of %&*#ing errors. What are you going to do about it? You've got an accent, haven't you?"
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, I'm in Ireland."
It became apparent that the customer, in his wisdom, had destroyed the Windows registry and deleted just about everything he needed to run Windows.
* Tech Support: "Sir, I believe we will have to reload your system with its original operating system, as you are presently unable to get into your system due to the necessary files being deleted. Unfortunately you will lose anything added since you purchased the system. Shall I walk you through the reload sir?"
* Customer: "You mean I paid $2,000 dollars, and I have to reload this myself?" (rants for fifteen minutes, makes death threats and references to being supported by a third world country) "*&@$ing reload! I'll give you a reload!"
Bang! Bang!
* Tech Support: "Sir, is everything all right?"
* Customer: "Sure is. I just blew the $#%&ing thing to bits with my shotgun you *$@%ing &*%$er."
* Tech Support: (taking a satisfying long breath) "Sir, I would like to advise you at this point that gunshot damage is not covered under the terms and conditions of your warranty. May I suggest a servicer in your locality to assist in the reassembly of your machine?"
* Customer: "$%!# you."
I dissolved into fits of laughter.
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, how can I help you?"
* Customer: "I moved some stuff I don't use to the trash and deleted the trash, and now I'm getting all sorts of %&*#ing errors. What are you going to do about it? You've got an accent, haven't you?"
* Tech Support: "Yes sir, I'm in Ireland."
It became apparent that the customer, in his wisdom, had destroyed the Windows registry and deleted just about everything he needed to run Windows.
* Tech Support: "Sir, I believe we will have to reload your system with its original operating system, as you are presently unable to get into your system due to the necessary files being deleted. Unfortunately you will lose anything added since you purchased the system. Shall I walk you through the reload sir?"
* Customer: "You mean I paid $2,000 dollars, and I have to reload this myself?" (rants for fifteen minutes, makes death threats and references to being supported by a third world country) "*&@$ing reload! I'll give you a reload!"
Bang! Bang!
* Tech Support: "Sir, is everything all right?"
* Customer: "Sure is. I just blew the $#%&ing thing to bits with my shotgun you *$@%ing &*%$er."
* Tech Support: (taking a satisfying long breath) "Sir, I would like to advise you at this point that gunshot damage is not covered under the terms and conditions of your warranty. May I suggest a servicer in your locality to assist in the reassembly of your machine?"
* Customer: "$%!# you."
I dissolved into fits of laughter.
ah.....the path to happiness is revision of dreams and not fulfillment... -SWPIGWANG
Sufficient Googling is indistinguishable from knowledge -somebody
Anything worth the cost of a missile, which can be located on the battlefield, will be shot at with missiles. If the US military is involved, then things, which are not worth the cost if a missile will also be shot at with missiles. -Sea Skimmer
George Bush makes freedom sound like a giant robot that breaks down a lot. -Darth Raptor
I don't know how true this one is, but it's funny as hell.
Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Lusankya: Deal!
Say, do you want it to be a threesome with your wife? Or a foursome with your wife and sister-in-law? I'm up for either.
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Kelly Antilles
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 6417
- Joined: 2002-09-12 10:36am
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jodathalas
- Padawan Learner
- Posts: 348
- Joined: 2002-11-01 06:08pm
- Location: IN DA HIZZY!
- Contact:
Thats great!aerius wrote:I don't know how true this one is, but it's funny as hell.
Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Be at peace with yourself. Enjoy life.
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weemadando
- SMAKIBBFB
- Posts: 19195
- Joined: 2002-07-28 12:30pm
- Contact:
One of my favourites is from my time at the internet cafe...
Customer: (with strong American accent) I can't open my e-mail.
Me: (looks up from browsing SD.net at the counter) OK... (walks over to computer)
Customer: I've been trying to get to my e-mail but its not working.
Me: (looks at comp screen, they have OE open) Ah, OK. You usually use Outlook Express for mail?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Have you created your account, and are you sure you added your SMTP and POP3 details correctly.
Customer: (Indignantly) I already have an account! I just want to read my mail!
Me: Yes, but you're attempting to open it through Outlook Express that needs to be configured for your account.
Customer: (Getting angry) Well you do it then!
Me: Do you have your account details?
Customer: What account details?
Me: Account details, like what mail provider you use, your username and passwords.
Customer: I'm not telling you my details!
Me: You don't have to. But do you know them?
Customer: Why isn't it working! It works on my one at home just fine! Why do you need all this info? Is this some kind of scam?
Me: (Exasperated) No, this is NOT a scam. Look, if you just tell me what ISP you use I'm sure I can figure out SOME sort of solution.
Customer: ISP?
Me: Yes... Internet Service Provider. Who do you connect to the internet through.
Customer: I don't connect to the internet through anyone! I use a computer.
Me: (whimpers slightly) OK. Then whats on the end of your e-mail address?
Customer: (Thinks hard) . . . dot com.
Me: Just before that. I need the bit between the @ and the .com
Customer: (With revelation in their eyes) Oh... AOL.
Me: (Realising what I had feared all along) America On Line?
Customer: Yeeesss...
Me: Well, thats your problem right there. This is Australia, not America, it should be quite obvious why you're e-mail isn't working.
Customer: (shocked) Oh, I guess that makes sense.
Me: Yeah, you'd be surprised, its a common mistake. Anything else I can help you with?
Customer: No, not at the moment...
(they then paid and left).
Thats a pretty good one.
The absolute best was a French couple who spoke no English and didn't have an e-mail address at all and couldn't understand why they couldn't send an e-mail. After half an hour of using my mostly forgotten French I figured out that they just needed to send a single e-mail and didn't need to receive a reply. So I set up one of the cafe "anonymous" e-mail addresses and let them send from there. They thanked me profusely and left. 5 minutes later I get a "message undeliverable due to bad address" message in return. Sigh...
Customer: (with strong American accent) I can't open my e-mail.
Me: (looks up from browsing SD.net at the counter) OK... (walks over to computer)
Customer: I've been trying to get to my e-mail but its not working.
Me: (looks at comp screen, they have OE open) Ah, OK. You usually use Outlook Express for mail?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Have you created your account, and are you sure you added your SMTP and POP3 details correctly.
Customer: (Indignantly) I already have an account! I just want to read my mail!
Me: Yes, but you're attempting to open it through Outlook Express that needs to be configured for your account.
Customer: (Getting angry) Well you do it then!
Me: Do you have your account details?
Customer: What account details?
Me: Account details, like what mail provider you use, your username and passwords.
Customer: I'm not telling you my details!
Me: You don't have to. But do you know them?
Customer: Why isn't it working! It works on my one at home just fine! Why do you need all this info? Is this some kind of scam?
Me: (Exasperated) No, this is NOT a scam. Look, if you just tell me what ISP you use I'm sure I can figure out SOME sort of solution.
Customer: ISP?
Me: Yes... Internet Service Provider. Who do you connect to the internet through.
Customer: I don't connect to the internet through anyone! I use a computer.
Me: (whimpers slightly) OK. Then whats on the end of your e-mail address?
Customer: (Thinks hard) . . . dot com.
Me: Just before that. I need the bit between the @ and the .com
Customer: (With revelation in their eyes) Oh... AOL.
Me: (Realising what I had feared all along) America On Line?
Customer: Yeeesss...
Me: Well, thats your problem right there. This is Australia, not America, it should be quite obvious why you're e-mail isn't working.
Customer: (shocked) Oh, I guess that makes sense.
Me: Yeah, you'd be surprised, its a common mistake. Anything else I can help you with?
Customer: No, not at the moment...
(they then paid and left).
Thats a pretty good one.
The absolute best was a French couple who spoke no English and didn't have an e-mail address at all and couldn't understand why they couldn't send an e-mail. After half an hour of using my mostly forgotten French I figured out that they just needed to send a single e-mail and didn't need to receive a reply. So I set up one of the cafe "anonymous" e-mail addresses and let them send from there. They thanked me profusely and left. 5 minutes later I get a "message undeliverable due to bad address" message in return. Sigh...
if (value == 0)
return value;
else
return 0;
if (a)
{
/* do something */
return x;
}
else if (!a)
{
/* do something else */
return y;
}
else
{
/* do something entirely different */
return z;
}
if ($var = value) then
# do something
else
# do the exact same thing as in the other code
endif
BoTM, MM, HAB, JL