that's some funny-ass shit Maynard
about Turkish ST:
"The teleportation effects are, like all Turkish special effects, a strange combination of retarded and rad. The four men stand as still as possible while the camera goes out of focus. Ten seconds later, the film gets scratched in their general area and they run out of frame while the guy holding the camera hits pause and unpause. This gives more of the impression that something’s wrong with your VCR than of people being transported through space. Miniskirt technology is a much higher priority among their people than visual effects.
...
"The movie goes back down to the surface of the planet where Nancy is licking the dead body of the green-shirted crew member. It’s nice to know that the future’s idea of ceremonial burial is to leave your teammate’s corpse with a woman who licks everything, an eccentric mad scientist, and a pervert robot wearing tiny briefs and a pinecone.
For the first hour, all the opening doors on the Enterprise are accompanied by a nice door-opening sound effect stolen from Star Trek. But by this point in the movie, the Turkish audio engineers have lost interest. Now whenever someone walks into a room, somebody off camera makes the sound “swwwsh!” with their mouth two to three seconds after the door opens. For some reason this seemed more riveting to me than Nancy running around the ship licking people’s faces and disguising herself as different crew members.
and about Turkish SW:
"Instead of being captured at the end of this fight, Han dies. Heartbroken, Luke decides to melt down the sword in a flower pot, then dips his hands in the molten gold to create super gloves with the same incredible powers possessed by the plywood sword. Here’s where the movie goes so far beyond Earth adjectives that it kicked the ass off my face. Darth Vader appears on a hill and blasts at Luke with lasers while he jumps from trampoline to trampoline in the center of a field of yellow smoke grenades. For two minutes, there is a cloud of zero visibility while randomly alternating sound clips from Flash Gordon are mixed with random sections of the Indiana Jones song. It’s amazing. When the smoke clears he’s tearing the giant red monsters in half at the waist, chopping their heads off and kicking his foot through their chests. There’s one part where he headlocks a mummy’s head off, throws it at another mummy and it explodes. Every single monster from earlier in the movie shows up to get torn into chunks, and the entire time his gloves are disappearing, reappearing and disappearing while he’s wearing a different shirt.
...
Looks like now I have an excuse to check out that Middle Eastern video store down the street...
