Why Terry Goodkind Must Die
Posted: 2002-12-31 07:48pm
Let me start off by saying that Terry Goodkind is a bad, bad author. I have heard expletives hurled at B&B, Robert Jordan, countless hacks and vile, scummy writers. But none so great as Terry Goodkind- he is truly the Lord of the Hacks.
First off, his characters suck ass. Richard and Kahlan apparently don't have any idea of what 'real' romance is, nor do they seem to have any sort of personality, nor do they seem to be real people. Consider: in the opening of the first book, he finds his father gutted and dead. He says he's really grief-stricken, but he doesn't act it, and by the end of the book it doesn't actually matter anymore, mostly because of the horrendously pathetic 'Luke! I am your father!' scene. Apparently, Goodkind doesn't understand the concept of 'foreshadowing'.
And then, Richard is horribly raped and tortured, but when it's done, he doesn't even seem to notice.
Let's not forget the incredibly stupid monsters that pop up for no reason, the terriblely underdeveloped villian- oh, yes, the villian. His minions molest little boys. He executes children. Yes, he's so dark and fucking evil, and driven entirely by revenge. Just one fucking problem- he's the most godawful, one-sided character in the history of fantasy. Gah. The personality of a fucking rock.
And Zed? God! I want to kill Zed. He is such a goddamn idiot. He pulls that inane trick in the begining of the book, with the amazing vanishing genitals and all that, which does exactly jack to the advance the plot. Anyone who didn't figure out that he was the Great and Mighty Wizard Man after page four probably has an IQ of 6, and he serves only two purposes:
1) Plot device/deus ex machina to keep the characters moving
2) Handpuppet for Goodkind's sermonizing.
I fucking hate it when authors preach. It almost never is pulled off correctly. And, in Goodkind's case, it's shit we already know. 'People are stupid. Passion rules reason.' The characters sit around pondering this devestating wisdom and I'm laughing my ass off. No shit! This is only something everyone knows before they get out of elementary school! Then, later on, it gets worse- the nations! Damn! If only they would unite! Why can't we all work together? Aaarg!
And the dues ex machina's are thick and fast. We meet so many characters that serve a single purpose and are gone, never to return again. It's not as bad as Jordan's 50,000 person cast, but it's still not good.
I wonder, does Goodkind actually plot this crap? Does anyone seriously think he had Jagang drawn up and concieved as a character when he wrote Wizard's First Rule? No. Neither do I. He is doing nothing but whoring the business in an attempt to rake in cash.
And some of his scenes are so absolutely ludicrous, it boggles the mind. Like the one were Richard summons all the magic in his sword and whups some 30 'Baka Ban Mana' warriors- soldiers who apparently train all the time, every day all day. One killed '50 well armed soldiers' before he was taken down.
So Richard summons the magic in his sword and proceeds to kick their asses and we are treated to a contrived fight scene which makes it clear, if you didn't already know, that Goodkind has no clue how to write action, but of course this is hidden by the incessent use of the phrase 'Bringer of Death' which is repeated roughly 150 times in two pages. Jesus. Fucking. Christ! I don't care how much magical juice Richard has, if you give 30 small children swords and have them fight him straight-up, he is definely going to come off worse for the wear. These are people who's entire LIFE is fighting!
Let me wrap this up with a quote from Kahlan's father, illustrating why Goodkind is an 'author' and not a general:
'When you are outnumbered and the situtation is hopeless, there is only one choice- you must attack!'
I believe that makes my point for me.
First off, his characters suck ass. Richard and Kahlan apparently don't have any idea of what 'real' romance is, nor do they seem to have any sort of personality, nor do they seem to be real people. Consider: in the opening of the first book, he finds his father gutted and dead. He says he's really grief-stricken, but he doesn't act it, and by the end of the book it doesn't actually matter anymore, mostly because of the horrendously pathetic 'Luke! I am your father!' scene. Apparently, Goodkind doesn't understand the concept of 'foreshadowing'.
And then, Richard is horribly raped and tortured, but when it's done, he doesn't even seem to notice.
Let's not forget the incredibly stupid monsters that pop up for no reason, the terriblely underdeveloped villian- oh, yes, the villian. His minions molest little boys. He executes children. Yes, he's so dark and fucking evil, and driven entirely by revenge. Just one fucking problem- he's the most godawful, one-sided character in the history of fantasy. Gah. The personality of a fucking rock.
And Zed? God! I want to kill Zed. He is such a goddamn idiot. He pulls that inane trick in the begining of the book, with the amazing vanishing genitals and all that, which does exactly jack to the advance the plot. Anyone who didn't figure out that he was the Great and Mighty Wizard Man after page four probably has an IQ of 6, and he serves only two purposes:
1) Plot device/deus ex machina to keep the characters moving
2) Handpuppet for Goodkind's sermonizing.
I fucking hate it when authors preach. It almost never is pulled off correctly. And, in Goodkind's case, it's shit we already know. 'People are stupid. Passion rules reason.' The characters sit around pondering this devestating wisdom and I'm laughing my ass off. No shit! This is only something everyone knows before they get out of elementary school! Then, later on, it gets worse- the nations! Damn! If only they would unite! Why can't we all work together? Aaarg!
And the dues ex machina's are thick and fast. We meet so many characters that serve a single purpose and are gone, never to return again. It's not as bad as Jordan's 50,000 person cast, but it's still not good.
I wonder, does Goodkind actually plot this crap? Does anyone seriously think he had Jagang drawn up and concieved as a character when he wrote Wizard's First Rule? No. Neither do I. He is doing nothing but whoring the business in an attempt to rake in cash.
And some of his scenes are so absolutely ludicrous, it boggles the mind. Like the one were Richard summons all the magic in his sword and whups some 30 'Baka Ban Mana' warriors- soldiers who apparently train all the time, every day all day. One killed '50 well armed soldiers' before he was taken down.
So Richard summons the magic in his sword and proceeds to kick their asses and we are treated to a contrived fight scene which makes it clear, if you didn't already know, that Goodkind has no clue how to write action, but of course this is hidden by the incessent use of the phrase 'Bringer of Death' which is repeated roughly 150 times in two pages. Jesus. Fucking. Christ! I don't care how much magical juice Richard has, if you give 30 small children swords and have them fight him straight-up, he is definely going to come off worse for the wear. These are people who's entire LIFE is fighting!
Let me wrap this up with a quote from Kahlan's father, illustrating why Goodkind is an 'author' and not a general:
'When you are outnumbered and the situtation is hopeless, there is only one choice- you must attack!'
I believe that makes my point for me.