A Starcraft parody

[Sarevok]

Note I did not write it. Someone else at battle.net did. All credits go to the unknown and forgotten original author.


"Terran base on lower right part of BGH. SC music paying. A ghost and a marine are discusing about politics"
-GHOST: Although Jim Raynor, the conservative guy, is the most popular candidate, I'll personally vote for Mengesk as the new senator, because he is a greedy, fat, ugly capitalist and has promised to bomb Irak after Josoma Bin Ladder is captured...
-MARINE: Cool,...errrrrrr....I like Luke Skywalker...
-Ghost: (sigh)...Whatever
"An SCV join s them"
-SCV: Hi Guys, sup?
-GHOST: Who the hell are you?
-SCV: An SCV
-GHOST: (sigh) I can see that
-MARINE: What does SCV mean?
-SCV: I think it's something like "Stupid Cuban Veteran"
-MARINE: Ahh, thats OK
-GHOST: Have you noticed it's getting really cold in here? Why don't you build a bunker so we can all get in it?
-SCV: I'll try
"He tries"
-UNKNOWN VOICE: You require more minerals
-MARINE: What the f*ck is that?
-SCV: I don't know, is it God?
-GHOST: na, it must be some idiot joking with a megaphone...
-SCV: Well, I guess I'd better look for some minerals then
-GHOST: Go then
-SCV: Excuse me but... what the are minerals?
-GHOST: I think it's that blue stuff growing from the ground
"SCV goes to fetch minerals, and then suddenly a burrowed zergling unburrows right next to the marine"
-ZERGLING: Eeeeeeeeeeeee$%$k!!!!!!
-MARINE: ARGHH! It's an ALIEN!! He wants to open me and do crazy experiments with me! Help!
-ZERGLING: Pärlèz Vous Francé?
-GHOST: It's worse! It's FRENCH!!
-MARINE: Do something!
-GHOST: Resist, I've got an idea!
"Ghost tries to use lockdown on zergling"
-UNKNOWN VOICE: Must target mechanical units
-MARINE: It's that stupid voice again...
-GHOST: Forget about that! We're about to be EATEN! Somebody help us!
"suddenly a psionic storm is unleashed over the zergling and kills him. The ghost and marine turn around to find a high templar standing behind them"
-GHOST: Uuuuff! That was close! Who the hell are you?
-HIGH TEMPLAR: I'm a powerfull high templar
-MARINE: You don't look that tall to me...
-GHOST: Maybe it's because he's flying that he says he's high...how do u do that?
-HIGH TEMPLAR: That is nothing compared to this:
"He casts hallucination on the marine"
-MARINE: WTF? There are two ghosts here that look like me!
-GHOST: I'm a ghost you idiot
-MARINE: Then what are these?
-GHOST: They must have cloned you... You know, like they did with Dolly the Sheep
-MARINE: Cool, what else can you do( to templar)?
-HIGH TEMPLAR: This:
"another high templar appears and they join toghether in an archorn wrap"
-MARINE: What did he do?
-GHOST: No idea...
"SCV comes back"
-SCV: I think I finally have enough minerals for that bunker
-GHOST: Good cause it's getting cold
-UNKNOWN VOICE: You require more vespene gas
-GHOST: Wait a minute. Bunkers don't need vespene.
-MARINE: I think the guy with the megaphone went crazy.
"Suddenly the SCV explodes"
-GHOST: What the f*uck¿????
"A passing overlord reveals a cloaked dark templar"
-GHOST: Hey!
-DARK TEMPLAR: Hey!
-OVERLORD: Hey!
-MARINE: Hey!
-DARK TEMPLAR: Hey!
-OVERLORD: Hey!
-MARINE: Hey!
-DARK TEMPLAR: Hey!
-OVERLORD: Hey!
-MARINE: Hey!
"etc..."
-GHOST: Stop it!
"Everyone is quiet"
-GHOST: OK, so....errrr....( to dark templar) who are you ?
-DARK TEMPLAR: I'm a dark templar, but my friends call me DT
-GHOST: And can you tell me why did you kill the SCV, although he was a stupid bastard?
-DARK TEMPLAR: Because I felt like it.
-GHOST: I see, you could have said that before...
-DARK TEMPLAR: Killing guys who can't see you is cool
-GHOST: I can do that too
"he cloaks and decloaks"
-MARINE: What about this dude? (pointing to overlord)
-OVERLORD: I am an all-powerfull overlod, and I've come here to conquer the universe!
-MARINE: And what can you do?
-OVERLORD: I.....errrrrrr......ahhhhh.....CAN FLY!
And you can't! Ñañañañaña!!!!!
-GHOST: Oh shut up!
"He kills the overlod"
-MARINE: You could have done that with the french alien
-GHOST: Didn't think about it
-DARK TEMPLAR: Well, I think I've gotta go...May Adun be with you!
-MARINE: Bye DT....(to ghost) who's Adun?
-GHOST: Probably his boss or something
-MARINE: Rock N' Roll!
-GHOST: ¿? What's that supposed to mean?
-MARINE: I dunno, but I like Rock N' Roll music
-GHOST: What about SC music?
-MARINE: SC music sux!
"SC music stops playing"
-MARINE: Wait! I didn't mean it seriously!
"SC music starts playing again. Meanwhile the archorn wrap finished and an archorn is born"
-ARCHORN: Emerging is complete!
-MARINE: Emerging from where?
-ARCHORN: Errrr....We're just supposed to say that
-GHOST: We? I only see one of you...
-ARCHORN: Errrr... forget it, I'm confused
-MARINE: Sorry guys this conversation is really interesting, but I'm good to go. My girlfriend's over there.
"He goes to talk to a medic nearby"
-MARINE: Hey baby, what's up? Would you like to come with me to my bunker tonight?
-MEDIC: Don't you dare touch me, you freakin' bastard! I don't love you anymore!
"Marine comes back to where the ghost is looking very sad"
-MARINE (very sadly): Medic's left me for a stupid firebat (starts crying)
-GHOST: Stop crying like a baby... go and kill the as*hole!
-MARINE: You're right! If I see that firebat who's a son of a b*tch again I'm gonna...
"He notices firebat standing behind him"
-MARINE: I'm gonna....errrr....say hi to him
-ARCHORN: Oh, I thought you were gonna kill him
"Firebat is now very angry and aims his flame-thrower at the marine, and shoots. But he misses and hits the archorn instead"
-ARCHORN: WE BUUUUUURN!!!!!!!!!
-FIREBAT: I...errr....I'll go and get some water
-ARCHORN: I'm gonna kill the person resposable for this...destroy.....erradicate.....anhilate....
obliterate
-GHOST: Well then stop saying synonims of the word kill and kill the marine....after all, this was his fault
-ARCHORN: You know what? You are right!
"he kills the marine"
-MARINE:AAAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
-GHOST:Shut up! I'm sick of all this! You know what? I think I'll just go and nuke some enemy base to see if that makes me feel better
"he goes of and nukes a protoss base nearby, a red dot appears over it"
-UNKNOWN VOICE: nuclear launch detected
-ARCHORN (still burning): Wait! That's my base!
-GHOST: And?
-ARCHORN: Errrr....nothing, go ahead
"a friendly zealot comes to greet the ghost from the toss base"
-ZEALOT: Hi guys! How are y......
"nuke falls over him and kills him, along with every other unit in the base"
-ZEALOT: ARGHHHHHH!!!
-ARCHORN: ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!
-DARK TEMPLAR: ARGHHHHHHH!!!
-REAVER: BEEEEEP!!!
"but a dragoon who had gone to the bathroom survives to find his base destroyed and desolated"
-DRAGOON: What did u do to my beautiful base!!???
-GHOST: Errrrr...I can explain it
-DRAGOON: Then do
-GHOST: They made me do it!
-DRAGOON: Who?
-GHOST: You know, that guy behind the computer screen who moves the mouse around and controls everything we do...
-DRAGOON: Ahh yes, that guy
"Suddenly Overmind(zerg) PAUSES THE GAME. All the units get frozen"
-GHOST: What the...I can't move! I've been paralyzed!
-DRAGOON: Me too! "

[Comosicus]

Pretty interesting story.