My SW vs ST Fic.

[Lord Revan]

All right this is my first attempt at writing a SWvST fic.


_________________________________________________

Chapter 1

Captain Picard looked at the reports of the recent raids against the Federation. The Titan was the only starship so far to survive an attack, which in itself wasn't that odd, but Riker's raport said that he had only gotten away because the attacker had let him escape.

the Door chime sounded

"Enter" Picard said with tired voice

Dr Crusher and Counselor Troi entered Picard's ready room

"Deanna. Beverly. I wish that the circumstances weren't this grim"

"It's all right Captain" Counselor Troi answered

Crusher and Troi had rejoined Enterprice crew to help Picard find a way to stop these raids

"This is what we know so far" Picard started "The attcking ships carry weapon that have yields similar to photon torpedo dispate being about the same size as typical federation shuttlecraft. The only capital ship ever seen didn't fire. In the colony, where we headed, there's man who claims that he can help the federation defeat this enemy"

"what do we know of this man?" Crusher asked

"not much, he had arrived with four other man and female alien of an unknown species" Picard showed them picture of a hooded female humanoid figure that had bright blue skin and probaly some sort of tentacle shaped appendage around her neck. "their papers were in orders so the administrator of the colony let them settle in a house at outskirt of the main settlement. Our mission is find out what he knows"

"we have arrived at the colony, sir" commander Madden said over the comm.

"very well, I'll lead the away team myself, does the Hazard team know its mission" Picard said

"yes sir"

When the away team beamed to the man's house, Picard could see two hooded and masked figures guarding the entrence

"I'm Captain Jean-luc Picard of Federation starship enterprise..."

"you may enter" one of the figures said.

[brianeyci]

Revan, you seem to have some very significant problems with understanding prefixes, suffixes and certain vowel sounds. In short, to me it looks like you are a non-native English writer with a poor grasp of the basics.

It is very difficult to maintain suspension of disbelief when you are hit with glaring errors over and over. I'm sorry Revan, I read through the whole thing, and the grammar errors are too glaring. There are very serious problems with your writing that go beyond just style. You need a few more months with English, and a lot more exposure to native English writing, before you make another attempt.

I'm not trying to be an ass here, just being honest.

Brian

[Duken]

Revan, brian's right. A good previewer (not me, I'm horrible at grammer/spelling/writing in general) would do wonders to the story. The story itself looks good so far though.

[Lord Revan]

Revan, brian's right. A good previewer (not me, I'm horrible at grammer/spelling/writing in general) would do wonders to the story. The story itself looks good so far though.

since I don't have access to my own computer, so at moment my spelling ain't that great (plus I have stayed up the entire night so...

EDIT:I Just read it and it's really bad(I mean the grammar).

[brianeyci]

Revan, brian's right. A good previewer (not me, I'm horrible at grammer/spelling/writing in general) would do wonders to the story. The story itself looks good so far though.

His problems are beyond spellchecking and proofreading. He has problems with certain letter combinations like "st", "ed", "si" and so on. They are severe problems, not just typos.

In high school I worked with an ESL student and saw many of the same problems I see in your writing in a lot of non-native speakers.

You don't need our criticism of your fanfiction Revan. You need a good ESL teacher/tutor, and a good English course to teach you the fundamentals.

You shouldn't stop writing though, and don't let this hurt your confidence. Its good that you are writing, however to be honest if you want to present a finished product you will need more training in English. At the very least, I think half a year more in an intensive ESL class.

<edit>Sorry if I sound like an ass, but that is my honest opinion. Unless your typing truly was a lot of typos, and you were really high or drunk... there are a lot of problems that go beyond what a spellcheck can solve</edit>

Brian

[Lord Revan]

Revan, brian's right. A good previewer (not me, I'm horrible at grammer/spelling/writing in general) would do wonders to the story. The story itself looks good so far though.

His problems are beyond spellchecking and proofreading. He has problems with certain letter combinations like "st", "ed", "si" and so on. They are severe problems, not just typos.

In high school I worked with an ESL student and saw many of the same problems I see in your writing in a lot of non-native speakers.

You don't need our criticism of your fanfiction Revan. You need a good ESL teacher/tutor, and a good English course to teach you the fundamentals.

You shouldn't stop writing though, and don't let this hurt your confidence. Its good that you are writing, however to be honest if you want to present a finished product you will need more training in English. At the very least, I think half a year more in an intensive ESL class.

Brian

that or sleep

[brianeyci]

that or sleep

Okay well. Maybe I was premature, I'm sorry if I offended you. What else have you written? Are you going to continue this story?

Brian

[Lord Revan]

Okay well. Maybe I was premature, I'm sorry if I offended you.

no offence taken (I know that the grammar sucks)

What else have you written?

of this story or in general

Are you going to continue this story?

Brian

yeah, but I'll probaly wait until I get my own computer back (laptop keyboards suck).

[drphlox]

this looks interesting

maybe you should post it the The force.net's fanfiction forums.

BTW what timeframe is the star wars universe going to be in?

it sounds like the the Saga period.

Drhplox

[Lord Revan]

this looks interesting

maybe you should post it the The force.net's fanfiction forums.

BTW what timeframe is the star wars universe going to be in?

it sounds like the the Saga period.

Drhplox

late Clone wars (but pre ROTS)

[Darth Lucifer]

"not much, he had arrived with four other man and female alien of an unknown species" Picard showed them picture of a hooded female humanoid figure that had bright blue skin and probaly some sort of tentacle shaped appendage around her neck. "their papers were in orders so the administrator of the colony let them settle in a house at outskirt of the main settlement."

So the stranger had "papers" that were "in order." This would seem to suggest that this person (if he is from the SW universe) has infiltrated the Federation somehow. Perhaps he is a spy/recon/scout. Or maybe he (and his crew) are stranded in the Alpha quadrant and they blended in to Federation society. I'm very curious about this.

"very well, I'll lead the away team myself, does the Hazard team know its mission" Picard said."

I don't know exactly what a Hazard team is. Are those the redshirts who go down with landing parties or something different? I brought this up because many times in Trek, we see the Captain go to a planet with only a skeletal compliment, even in situations that would be considered hazardous.

Or is the Hazard Team something else entirely?

I look forward to more of your writing.

[Elheru Aran]

Hazard team is from the Elite Forces games; don't know anything more about it after that.

[Darth Lucifer]

Hazard team is from the Elite Forces games; don't know anything more about it after that.

Oh, yeah...I remember that game. Long time ago, I played the first one on a friend's computer and I think ,near the beginning, there was a hallway where this fireball was about to rip through it and you were near a force field panel.

My first instinct was to jam on the button to throw up the forcefield, but since I was confused as hell playing a new game, I failed to notice the Ensign running down the hall. I sealed him in the hallway on the other side of the forcefield! He even cried out something like "No, what are you doing?!?" and I nearly peed my pants laughing.

What is wrong with me? Don't ever take me on an away mission.

Sorry if I went off-topic.

[darthdavid]

Hazard team is from the Elite Forces games; don't know anything more about it after that.

Oh, yeah...I remember that game. Long time ago, I played the first one on a friend's computer and I think ,near the beginning, there was a hallway where this fireball was about to rip through it and you were near a force field panel.

My first instinct was to jam on the button to throw up the forcefield, but since I was confused as hell playing a new game, I failed to notice the Ensign running down the hall. I sealed him in the hallway on the other side of the forcefield! He even cried out something like "No, what are you doing?!?" and I nearly peed my pants laughing.

What is wrong with me? Don't ever take me on an away mission.

Sorry if I went off-topic.

Yeah. The hazzard team is basically druged up when ever an auther needs a (somewhat) competent and well equipped away team to do something .

[Nieztchean Uber-Amoeba]

Hazard team is from the Elite Forces games; don't know anything more about it after that.

Oh, yeah...I remember that game. Long time ago, I played the first one on a friend's computer and I think ,near the beginning, there was a hallway where this fireball was about to rip through it and you were near a force field panel.

My first instinct was to jam on the button to throw up the forcefield, but since I was confused as hell playing a new game, I failed to notice the Ensign running down the hall. I sealed him in the hallway on the other side of the forcefield! He even cried out something like "No, what are you doing?!?" and I nearly peed my pants laughing.

What is wrong with me? Don't ever take me on an away mission.

Sorry if I went off-topic.

Good thing you didn't play more: Your character proves himself to be just as incompetent and dumb as everyone else on Voyager. And yet, I'm still playing...

[Lord Revan]

"not much, he had arrived with four other man and female alien of an unknown species" Picard showed them picture of a hooded female humanoid figure that had bright blue skin and probaly some sort of tentacle shaped appendage around her neck. "their papers were in orders so the administrator of the colony let them settle in a house at outskirt of the main settlement."

So the stranger had "papers" that were "in order." This would seem to suggest that this person (if he is from the SW universe) has infiltrated the Federation somehow. Perhaps he is a spy/recon/scout. Or maybe he (and his crew) are stranded in the Alpha quadrant and they blended in to Federation society. I'm very curious about this.

the stranger is a jedi (how do you think he could speak and understand english, if he was not) and he's not stranded (that's all what I'll say as rest is spoilers for the story)

"very well, I'll lead the away team myself, does the Hazard team know its mission" Picard said."

I don't know exactly what a Hazard team is. Are those the redshirts who go down with landing parties or something different? I brought this up because many times in Trek, we see the Captain go to a planet with only a skeletal compliment, even in situations that would be considered hazardous.

Or is the Hazard Team something else entirely?

I look forward to more of your writing.

the Hazard team is an special forces team created by captain Janeway during VOY (it's from the computer game series elite force) by this time it has been transferd to Enterprise-E.

[Lord Revan]

I've been thinking of having an section 31 agent find out why the Jedi feared in SW Galaxy (gets a personal feel of some darker aspects of the Force.)

[Lord Revan]

here chapter 2 (at last) it's hopefully better then Ch. 1

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Chapter 2

As Picard stepped inside he could the female alien that follow the mystery man to the colony. The alien looked almost human with blue skin and two tentacle or tail shaped appendages amerging from the back of her and hairs on the parts her body they could see, she dressed in some kind armor and had pistol strapped to her hip.

“Captain Picard, the general will see you now” the alien said with soft voice that contrasted, militaristic look.

“very well” Picard answered and followed as the alien went thru an opened door

The away team entered to dark room that lit only torches and a huge window at back of the room. In front of window there was siting humanoid figure.

“Captain, these readings make no sence” Dr Crusher said amazed

“why?”

“the tricoder says that he’s human, but his lifefrom reading still don’t seem match. It’s like more then one person in his body”

“You said you can help us.” Picard said

“Yes, but first you must call off your troopers” the figure said calmly

“what? How did...” Pircard said but a beep from combadge interrupted him

“Picard here” he said as tapped the badge”

“Madden here, sir. The Enterprise is under attack from klingon ship and they have beamed groung forces near your position”

“ understood”
“there’s more sir, they have some kind androids with them”.

[Lord Revan]

I'm having some problems how write an encounter of Klingon/Nemodian B2 droid force and our heroes, any ideas?