Gate Trek- Short SG-1, Star Trek TOS Crossover Comedy

[Maren Dissek]

Here's some slashie-fic by me for you all to enjoy! It's what I would think
would happen if the main characters of Star Trek TOS would ever meet
the main characters of Stargate SG-1. I call it "Gate Trek", though I guess
"Trek Gate" will work, too. Eh, let's just stick with "Gate Trek". (Timeline is according to SG-1. Just imagine it's the beginning of season 8, only no one recieved any promotions and Teal'c is still bald.) And I'll say it now, this was written to be funny. Some lines I laugh my head off, others I'm not entirely satisfied with.

"Gate Trek"
Written by Les 'Geddon

-Transporter Room 3, the starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-

Kirk:"Beam us down, Scotty."
Scotty:"Aye aye, Capt'n."
<Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr. McCoy, and a couple of ensigns wearing red shirts are beamed down to a lush, green planet.>

-The Gate Room, Level 28, Stargate Command, Cheyenne Mountain Complex, Colorado Springs, Colorado, United States of America, Earth-

General Hammond:"Colonel, I would like for you to take SG-6 with you on this mission. You may need the extra men being so close to Baal's territory."
O'Neill:"Yes, sir, General, sir."
Sgt. Davis:"Chevron 7 locked."
<The Stargate makes its flushing "Kawoosh!" and both SG-1 and SG-6 step through it and arrive on a lush, green planet.>

-Lush, green planet-

Kirk:"My God, what is that?"
McCoy:"I'm a doctor, not an analyst."
Kirk:"I wasn't talking to you, Bones. Spock, what is it?"
Spock:"You have to be more specific, Captain. There are a number of things I could explain. Take this rock for example..."
Kirk:"The big, round thing, Spock."
Spock:"I believe it is a massive super conductor capable of generating vast amounts of energy to create a rift in time and..."
Kirk:"Short version, Spock."
Spock:"In layman's terms, a Stargate."
McCoy:"Well, what's the blasted star-watchamacallit doing now?"
Spock:"I believe lights are coming on and the inner ring is spinning. I also believe we are about to witness a CGI effect and a basic camera trick."
McCoy:"A CG-what? Why can't you talk like a normal person?"
Kirk:"Someone's coming! Maybe they are natives with a gorgeous, exotic blonde."
Spock:"It is unlikely they are natives."
Kirk:"But they have a gorgeous blonde, right? I mean, there always in one. Well, not always blonde. Sometimes even green skinned..."
<SG-1 approaches. SG-6 falls into defensive positions around the Gate. >
Jack:"Howdy folks. You from around here?"
Daniel:" I don't think they are, Jack. Their clothes don't look anything like what we've seen before."
Teal'c:"Indeed."
Kirk:"Greetings. My name is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise..."
Jack:"Hey, Carter. How come they got to name their ship Enterprise and we couldn't?"
Sam:" Uh, sir. You do realize who they are don't you? They're from Star Trek."
<Jack & Sam begin to converse( or argue) about this. Meanwhile, Daniel is introducing everyone. >
Daniel:"...Major Samantha Carter, and Teal'c."
Kirk:"Uh, right. This is Spock and Dr. McCoy."
Daniel:"Yes, I uh, know." <points> "Who are they?"
<Kirk nearly jumps out of his skin when he sees the three Red Shirts...still alive.
Kirk:"Uh, I don't know their names. They're supposed to be dead by now."
Daniel:"What!?"
Kirk:"Well, those guys always die, usually for no apparent reason. And it's been nearly half an episode already. What gives?"
<Kirk, confused, frowns at the Red Shirts. Suddenly, one of them shouts out. >
Red1:"Hey! I didn't notice before, but the big bald one is different!"
Red2:"I bet he's an alien!"
Red3:"Aren't we supposed to shoot big, scary-lookin' aliens?"
Red2:''I think so. Set phasers on kill!"
<Teal'c arches an eyebrow, then one of the red-shirted ensigns fires at him. Teal'c ducked and the phaser struck one of SG-6. Teal'c fired his staff weapon and one of the blasts hit Red2 square in the chest, throwing him fifteen feet. Daniel ducked behind the DHD and pulled out his 9mm. Jack, Sam, and Teal'c took up positions behind large boulders handily placed around the Stargate and returned fire along with the rest of SG-6. Kirk and Bones duck down, unused to the automatic weapons fire. Spock remains calm and stands still. The remaining Red shirts get pumped full of bullets, but not before killing another of SG-6 and shooting Daniel. Somehow he was only hit with a stun blast. Captain Kirk took a stray bullet in the arm. >
Kirk:"Ow, dammit. How'd I get shot?"
Spock:"The main character shield seems to be malfunctioning. I believe it is being overwritten by their newer version of ours."
Kirk:"What? Anyway, Bones, come patch this up for me."
McCoy:"Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor not a field surgeon!"
Kirk:"What, in the name of God, is the difference?"
Jack:"Well. Didn't see that coming."
Sam:"We probably should have. The 'expendables' had to die sometime, sir."
<SG-1 walk up to the Enterprise crew. >
Jack:"Sorry about that, Captain. I was aiming for McCoy."
McCoy:"What the hell for?"
Jack:"I don't like doctors."
Sam:"This is incredible. We are here, face to face with real life versions of TV characters."
Daniel:"The question I believe everyone is thinking is how?"
Spock:"I believe it may have something to do with the anomaly we passed through to get here. Probability dictates it is 97.9% likely."
Teal'c:"Is it possible they came through an anomaly similar to our Quantum Mirror?"
Sam:"I don't think so, Teal'c. They would experience the quantum cellular disruption the other me did due to their actor counterparts. That hasn't happened yet."
Spock:"Probabilty suggests it is our plot protecting shield that is warding off any negative effects from our travelling here."
McCoy:"But you said it was malfunctioning. Which is it?"
Kirk:"I did get shot afterall. By the way the pain is almost unbearable and I'm bleeding a lot."
Spock:"As I said earlier, I believe our shield is conflicting with their shield. If we were to be caught here in a two-part episode, our shield would eventually fail and theirs would take over. Anything is bound to happen."
Jack:"Yeah, well, sorry to hear that folks, but we're out of time. Atlantis has to come on now."
To Be Continued...

Comments are appreciated.

[Singular Quartet]

Humor is on the simplistic side, but dammit, it's good humor on the simplistic side. I like it. Needs a little formating and not as many people like the script format as others, but it's good none the less.

[Crazedwraith]

Jack should have shot at spock not Bone he doesn't have anything against doctors just sciencists.

[Maren Dissek]

I usualy don't write in the script format, but it just turned out easier when I wrote this. I'm not however, writing part 2 the same way.

And Spock isn't really a scientist now is he? Besides, Spock wouldn't exactly get mad at Jack for trying to shoot him, thus nothing funny would come of it. At least that's what I think.

[Crazedwraith]

I usualy don't write in the script format, but it just turned out easier when I wrote this. I'm not however, writing part 2 the same way.

And Spock isn't really a scientist now is he?

What aisde from being chief sceince officer on the Enterprise?

Besides, Spock wouldn't exactly get mad at Jack for trying to shoot him, thus nothing funny would come of it. At least that's what I think.

You still get the humour from jack irrationally shooting a harmless person.

[Maren Dissek]

I suppose you've got a point. But well, you know. I'm not as much of an avid fan of Star Trek as I am of Stargate. When I wrote this I was playing mainly on stereotypes if you know what I mean. Anyway, what's done is done, and I'll do my best to do better next time.

On a quick note, it has been brought to my attention that the original Enterprise only had one transporter room. My bad.