Drill Sgt. Fanboy:
"Hey you fucking maggots! SO you all got your accounts registered and activated! You're now members of the most elite, and arguably the greatest BBS board out there. But before you turds get to begin posting there are a few things you need to fucking learn! Recently a bunch of noob turds like yourselves have pretty much made life miserable for anyone else with a functioning brain stem, and they hired ME to shape you fuckers up." SO I take you're all ready to begin posting and you got so excited between wetting your pants with excitement you fucking forgot to READ THE ANNOUNCEMENTS! So why don't you go over to the announcements forum NOW and start fucking reading. *loads pistol and aims it at slowest n00b* YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS SCUM!"
"Good, it seems like you just might make a contribution after all. Now that's you're cruising through the announcements and learning the proper form i'm going to start going over a few things that really bug the liquid shit out of me."
LESSON #1: READ THE FUCKING SITE YOU IDIOT
The following quote was forcibly extracted from the brain of a n00b using the latest in interrogation techniques developed by the moderator staff.
Well geeeeeeee thanks for the brilliant notion! I'm sure everyone here is going to just kneel down and suck your...BULLSHIT! If you have an argument, do some damn research on it before making your argument. Stardestroyer.net is one of the best places to look this stuff up (It was the greatest web site ever before being the greatest forum ever). Once you have your information you can present it then, but no one around here is going to listen to pure conjecture and masturbatory fantasies.I thnk Str Wars iz gr8 N all but They dun haff the kind of technologee (or shud I say treknologee lol!) that the Federation does.
LESSON #2: THREAD NECROMANCY
Now all of you have so many things just burning in your undershorts you'd like to put up on the forum for everyone to see and read about. Well guess what, this place has been around for almost four fucking years now, chances are we may have just covered your fucking subject! So if you some huge conspiracy theory along the lines of "Gee Sgt. Fanboy, I sure think that Star Trek Shields can block Star Wars Lasers", first of all come here and let me kick you in the balls, second of all you need to use the archive board and do a search. You find the old thread, you read it and life goes on. Now on the offhand chance you actually do have something to contribute, here's what the man himself has to say on the subject.
Is that all so hard to fucking understand? It shouldn't be, but then again operating the internet doesn't seem to require as much mental effort that it takes to eat breathe and fart now does it?Darth Wong wrote: If you have something genuinely worthwhile to add to a thread it's OK to resurrect it, but if you resurrect it just to emote, spam, or say something which basically amounts to "me too", it's not.
Also, the tolerance for thread resurrection is inversely proportional to its age. Resurrecting a two month old thread to add a new piece of information is on the edge but may be acceptable, but you'd better have a damned good reason to resurrect a two year old thread.
This leads to a dilemma: if you resurrect an old thread, people might get angry at you. If you start a new thread which has the same topic as an old thread, people might say that it's been discused before and get angry at you. Therefore, what you should do in many cases (particularly with very old threads) is create a new thread with a link to the old one, and say that you just want to add something new to the old thread.
LESSON #3: "ME-TOOING"
Everyone knows what spam is, and i'm not gonna waste my time or yours trying to tell you all that spammers should be shot in the streets and left to die in the gutters! But there's one particular kind of spam that irritates the shit out of me like a strong laxative!
You've been here for a whopping fifteen minutes and five posts and you're jumping on a bandwagon that was retired years ago. Shut the fuck up!Example 1 wrote:Hi I am New heer to SDNet but I just want to say that Star Wars is teh 1337! And ALso that Dorkstarr Guy is such a loo53R lmao!
USELESS! Its bad enough sifting through hundreds of thosuands of posts without Newbie number 349857298875's stirring agreements.Example 2 wrote:D00d U R so right! I think that too!
First of all, anyone who makes a derogatory remark about gay or lesbian people will be subject to the GALE Force/Moderators homophobe inquisition. Do a search for a little pissant named "Mr. Me" if you want an example. Second of all, if you do disagree with something someone says, back it up! If you try and refute someones arguments, sitting back and being a little bitch about it isn't going to prove your opinion.Example 3 wrote:Whatevar that is gay...
LESSON 4: MISS MANNERS DOESN'T FUCKING POST HERE AND NEITHER DOES HER CUNT
If you think someone is swearing too much, or if you are involved in a debate and you think your opponent is using crude language in an uncessessary way, GET OVER IT! We like swearing here, in fact we're going to invent a keyboard one day with keys that automatically type our favorite curse words. However, racial/ethnic slurring is very bad.
The fact is that if you are in an argument with someone, their swearing does not change the point they are making. 2+2=4 and two plus fucking two still fucking equals fucking four. They're the same thing, except one is labeled with choice obscenities.
LESSON 5: A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO PRIVACY
Not every woman on the internet is barely legal and viewable with a $4.99 trial for the first month. Some of them just might be actual people! And whether you're sitting in some bushes on a cold night or on your PC at home, you're still a fucking stalker! This isn't Yahoo! Chat, takes your "a/s/l plz" shit somewhere else. Or, preferably, cut off your balls with a hacksaw before you end up in someone's bushes on a cold night.
MORE TO COME AS I SEE FUCKING FIT!
Authors Note: I have been guilty of heinous posting crimes, including one or two of the above myself. But recently it seems the quality of n00bs has been rather low. Like fishing in a lake five years after someone dumped a few thousand gallons of radioactive waste into a nearby stream. If anyone wants to make additions or revisions lemme know and I'll say "OK" ~DF
).
