Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000
By Tim
All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blasts the opening sequence with a missile)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
Satellite of Lust, Noon
Tim: Okay the opening sequence is so much subatomic junk. That means the guest Misty'er should be showing up any second. (Takes another slice of pizza as he chucks the weapon away)
Misty (like drawn in the manga): Am I late?
Graham: She's the guest commentator?
Artlu (on screen): Yes, she is, and the fic you'll be sitting through today is a pokemon one, Boss Wars to be exact
Graham: That's a lemon fic isn't it?
Tim: You bet, and Ash and Mi- well, never mind.
Artlu: Well get on with it!
Tim: Gimme a minute woudja? I wanna finish my Piz- (alert sirens cut him off and he runs into the theater, still holding the Pizza)
(Door #7: It’s a pile of copies of “Artemis’s Lover.” You light a match and grin as the paper burns.)
(Door #6: It’s a giant boulder. You have a Pokémon use HM04 Strength to move it aside.)
(Door #5: It’s made of straw. You huff and puff and blow it down.)
(Door #4: It’s made of sticks. You huff and puff and blow it down.)
(Door #3: It’s made of brick. You can’t blow it down so you smash it with a sledgehammer.)
(Door #2: It’s a Mayan temple. You roll to avoid the poison arrows as you pass through.)
(Door #1: It’s a statue. You take the sword from the dead guard and put it in its hand to made it open.)
THE POKEMON BOSS WARS:
THE BEAUTY PAGEANT FROM THE
UNDER GALAXIES!
Tim: As opposed to the Upper Galaxies, located in beautiful delta quadrant.
by Jacob Orravan
---
My world's on fire--how about yours? Hey now, it's the Boss Wars! Get the game up! Go play! Hey
now...
Graham: What the hell is this guy on?
Tim: Hopefully not what Oscar was.
Ahhh... Another Urisi Yatsura crossover! This time, it's Kurama, Queen o' the Tengu, with some
pan-galactic weirdoes as her Pocket Monsters!
Tim: That's Ureisi,not Urisi.
When the music biz shines, try listening to 'All Star' by Smash Mouth or anything by Alanis
Morrissette--kidding on that one--try listening to 'Bar Room Blitz' by I-Forget-Who, and if the mood of monsters strikes you, try 'Monster Mash Remix' by Toboggan. Or, if you wish, listen to the chapter titles--they are named after music save for one.
Tim: Would that be the one called: I don't care if you name the chapters after music it still doesn't help the story itself?
Misty: What are you doing?
Graham: It's what we do in here, we get sent these bad Fanfics and we make fun of them
Misty: Why didn't you tell me sooner!
=====
(Prologue): MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN {by Shania Twain}
Tim: Man! I feel like kicking the author's ass!
The first words on Brock's lips were: "WHOA, WHAT A KNOCKOUT!!"
Misty: Looking at me was he?
Graham: You're vain, aren't you?
The woman in front of him, was, in fact, one of the most voluptuous women he had ever seen. And he had seen a lot of them. She had dark hair, darker then a cloudy midnight, and was wearing a beret, despite that the weather was amazingly warm. She also dressed in black--leather, with no straps over her shoulders. The suit was something that the Marquis de Sade himself might have designed--showing the center of her chest, and a lot of the rest along with it.
Tim: So she was topless, big whup. I see that all the time when I steal girl's shirts. Also, hats can be worn in any weather.
Misty: Where can I get an outfit like that, I bet Ash wou- oops!
She wore what looked like a spiked dog collar, a similar thing at her right shoulder. The rest of that arm was covered in a silk glove. Her tight pants ended in calf-high boots. And she had a choice piece of rear. He found himself very, very close to her in a very short time. She blinked at him, leering slightly.
Graham: I think he beat his old record on that one.
"W-w-what's y-yer name, miss?" Brock asked, nearly drooling.
Tim: How can you nearly drool? Either you do or you don't!
"My name is Kurama," she said, annoyed, "And you are not to get that close to me!" She shoved him back with surprising force.
Misty: Yeah, don't mess with a woman!
Tim: I'll mess as much as I want. Mess mess mess!
Brock got just as close again, this time crashing into her. Her beret flew off, revealing what was beneath it. The woman bit her lip ferociously, the small, bird-like wings on her head flapping wildly. She whipped out what looked like an oversized leaf, attaching a small gadget to its stem. She noted that it was the middle of the night in Celadon, with only streetlamps for light, when everyone was in the gambling district. Nobody would see her. And the creep would get his just desserts.
Graham: Cherry cream?
Misty: Lemon merangue?
Tim: Nope, FLAN!
She kicked him into a nearby wall, and aimed the business end of the weapon. "Feel the sting of the Anima Laser, lech!" KLICK. KLICK. "Hmf. Broken. Well, time for the factory brand," sighed Kurama, replacing the leaf in her inventory, and whipping out a small, labeled gun. Plainly said on the side was: 'ACME BRAND ESTROGEN GUN'.
Graham: ACME, we put explosives in EVERYTHING!
Tim: Anima lasers don't do nothin'. She needs a good ol' Blastech DL44.
Misty: How do you know so much about weapons? I'm getting scared...
"This will increase your estrogen level," she explained with a malicious little grin on her red-lipsticked lips, "Making you a little more feminine." She checked and tried turning a little adjuster knob on the side of the weapon. "Oops. It's stuck on 'Full Chemical Makeup Reversal'," she said, her smile widening, "Prepare to be just like a woman, girly-man!"
Tim And Graham: We're going to "Pump (clap) You Up!"
Tim: And real good title reference there, can we be less subtle?
Misty: I doubt it.
BRRAZZZAAPPPP!!!!
Misty: Eewwww, she farted!
Tim: I give it a two and a half.
Brock jolted insanely as blue electricity crackled along his body, flowing through his ears and into his brain, increasing estrogen flow tenfold. After ten seconds, the blast stopped, and Brock fell. Kurama re-holstered the weapon as Brock pushed himself up. Not all the way--more of a squat, as if he was getting up from a sit-up. His noticeably slimmer head darted back and forth, and his chest seemed a bit puffed out.
Misty: I would have loved to see Brock as a girl, chasing after guys (starts laughing wildly)
Tim: Now it's my turn to get scared.
His gaze locked back onto the winged temptress, squealing like a certain hyperactive 'meatball' hairdoed Japanese schoolgirl.
Tim: I may become a "Luna-tic" trying to figure out who he meant.
Graham: Yes, who could he possibly "Moon?"
Tim: I guess I'll just be "Serene" about it.
Graham: Yes, and at least I'm not a "Bunny."
Misty: Enough with the Sailor Moon jokes!
Kurama sighed, "Hopeless lech..." and walked away.
Graham: He's not hopeless! He often hopes of getting laid!
=====
(I) I'M A MATERIAL GIRL {by Madonna}
The word had spread insanely around Celadon--something as sorely lusted for as the Pokémon Princess Pageant in the 'Hop, Hop, Hop' Town district of Saffron City, approximately 5 blocks away from Sylph Company, creators of the Hovercycle, the 2009 Sylph Rapidash sports Veretech, and everything related to Pokémon, from Pokéballs to Pokédex upgrades--also the sponsor of the Celadon Pageant.
Graham: DAAAAAAMN long run-on sentence there
Tim: Veritech? This is Pokemon, not Macross/ Robotech. Lum and Ranma crossovers are OKAY, not good, but okay, but Macross? UH-UH!
Misty: I'm groaning at what he named this stuff
Tim: I just noticed something. Sylph doesn't make the dex upgrades, OAK DOES!
Already, platforms, big tops, tents, kiosks, and Trade Centers were being put up, and the side show, the Annual Breeders Convention, was about to start.
Graham: Ah yes, where the Pokemon breeders get together and mate.
Tim: And so do their Pokemon.
Misty: That was just gross. True, but gross.
It was a day after Brock had been plastered with the Estrogen Gun, and he was starting to act somewhat...perky.
Graham: At least he's showing another emotion besides lust.
"Guys, do you notice something about Brock?" Kevin wondered aloud, hovering above the others on his Hovercycle.
Tim: He asked the others, wondering aloud? I think you should revise that sentence there, bub
Misty, keeping her distance from Brock, said, "Yeah...he's even more lecherous then usual. And that's lecherous!" {For the literary impaired, 'lecherous' means you're hornier then a boxfull of toads.} Just then, she saw Kevin's eyes bug out behind his glasses.
Misty: I'd never say that about Brock! He's not a lech, just desperate and horny.
Bringing his 'Cycle in for a closer peak, he asked Brock, "Hey, Brock...need to get something off your chest?"
Tim: Like the DD'S?
"No, I don't! Why would I need to get something off my chest?" SHE said, crossing her arms over her breast. Just then, she turned towards her compatriots, freaking the Czechoslovakian rice puddin' out of 'em.
Graham: We KNEW Brock was a girl then, we don't need to be reminded
Tim: Plus, Czechoslovakia no longer exists, get yer geography straight.
Gary stammered, "H-h-h-HERMAPHRODITE!"
Misty: Why the hell would Gary be with us? Ash would whup his ass and send him away!
Everyone within earshot, save Brock and pals screamed, "HERMAPHRODITE?! RUN AWAY!" Within seconds, anyone within 30 feet was very, VERY, far away from the hermaphrodite.
Tim: How could they be within thirty feet and very far away at the same time?
Misty: Mental disorder?
Tim: I'll keep that in mind, especially for the author of this fic
"Oh, come on!" Brock said in a girlish voice, "Like, what's so wrong with hermaphrodites?"
Tim: Need I remind you of Oscar?
She noticed that Officer Jenny #20 was wearing a gas mask and taping a police line around her.
"Alright," said Jenny, "You kids get far away! This kid has been affected by an ACME Estrogen Gun. He/she/it is now contagious. The only way to save this boy/girl/it is to offer a virgin sacrifice. If we decide to give him one."
Tim: I understand why they'd be afraid of Hermaphrodites, but...
Graham: Why the HELL would they think it was contagious?
Gary shuddered, while Misty gave an embarrassingly audible sigh of relief, before she realized what she was doing.
Misty: What does he mean, a sigh of... Oh, never mind.
"Excuse us," said Jenny sternly, and dragged Brock off, to his/her/its delight.
Ash, trying to shake off the hostile feeling of a hermaphrodite in their midst, said, "Alright, let's hop to it! Misty, how about you enter that beauty pageant? You won last time when Psyduck beat Jessie's Lickitoung."
Misty nodded, and said, "Alright, I need a dress, a bathing suit, and to drop off Togepi so he doesn't have to fight."
Tim: He wouldn't haveta fight anyways. HE'S A DAMN BABY!
Graham: I feel compelled to quote Fat Bastard right now.
Misty: Fight that urge or ELSE! Nobody talks like that about Togepi and lives to tell about it, ya hear?
"Briii!" squeeked Togepi, "Togey togey togey! Briii! Togey togey togey! Briii!"
Pikachu pipped, "Pika. Pikapi."
Tim: Pipped? Methinks you mean "piped"
"Briii?"
"Pika!"
"Briii!"
Tim: No Togepi, I wont give you ten bucks so you can see "Horny Horny Vixens!" And that's final!
The recently hatched Pocket Monster gave a small leap into the air and nodded.
"Pikachu said to Togepi that everything will be alright," translated Ash, "and that you won't be hurt. What did Togepi say?"
Misty said, "Togepi asked what a pageant is. He was wondering if it hurt." She sighed. Togepi hadn't hatched when the pageant took place. Wasn't there when she beat Lickitoung.
Tim: TUNG, or TOUNGUE! NOT TOUNG! Spellchecker!
"Well," said Gary coyly, "I guess we'll have to see you get dressed..."
Misty: Must... resist... urge to... KILL... him...
With a loud snapping sound, Kevin's paper fan pegged the pervert in the head.
The cyborg then asked, "Say, why do you fear hermaphrodites, anyway?"
Graham: Why would a CYBORG be hanging with the Poke-gang?
Tim: Same reason a Tengu would be zapping brock into a girl?
With a flick of her wrist, Misty produced a miniature Sylph datachip. "Read the first two lines of this fanfic," she said, activating it.
Misty: Sylph doesn't make that, and if they do, why haven't I heard about it?
Tim: Exactly, not to mention the entire idea of a "chip" is that it's already small!
Kevin did so and turned a light shade of green.
Tim: And Kevin is sporting "Ad Naseum" a new look by famous designer, "Ralph" Lauren.
Replacing it, Misty said, "Yeah. That's why." She smiled and set out for the Pokémon Center and the Celadon Mall.
Misty: What'd I buy, What'd I buy?
Graham: Misty, calm down, they'll tell us, unfortunately.
*****
Celadon City Mall, 12:00PM
The mall was a scant block away from the 'Center, towering above the rest of the city. As Kevin, Misty, and Ash set foot inside it, they were awestruck. The opening room had a large fountain in its center, sending a pleasing sound throughout the mall. The center branched to dozens of separate routes, and elevators and escalators led to higher sectors in the mall. A holomap was a little ways behind the fountain, and flickered through the arcs of the water. Misty reached the map first--it was actually eight separate maps, for each of the eight huge sections of the mall.
Tim: Dude, they have different maps for each floor in a mall, not sections!
Various guide 'Mechs, Hovercarts, and Sylph mini-holomaps were surrounding the large center. Kevin, unfamiliar with the various Japanese, French, Italian, and other languages printed on the items and 'Mechs, wondered aloud, "How come they don't have anything in English in this joint?"
Graham: Cuz, it's a Japanese cartoon?
Misty: ...!
"Most people here are multilingual," Misty said, "I know Japanese, myself." She tapped on the control panel of a Hovercart, and the thing sputtered to life. The thing was mostly a cube, with various hover attachments. There was a large depression in the cube's top, for carrying individual items. Hooks were around it to hold bags.
Tim: Brock might be needing those in his condition.
Misty ran towards a nearby escalator, racing up, Kevin trailing, and Ash galloping towards 'TMs Aplenty', the local Technical Machine store. Pikachu leapt off Ash's head to go towards the Children's playcenter, telling Ash before
scampering away.
Tim: Like Ash wouldn't notice the difference in weight?
**
Meanwhile, Kurama (grudgingly wearing more clothing then usual, and with a beret over her head-wings) observed her competition. She had no wish to get any more clothing then she already had--more like various antidotes and cures for her Pokémon. And more energy cells for her Anima laser. Her hands absentmindedly stroked the six various capture Balls on her belt--two Great Balls, a Pokéball, two Ultraballs and one starship-launched Heatseeker Ball. Each a courier for maniacal Pocket Monsters that weren't so pocket-inclined.
Misty: Again, SYLPH MAKES NO HEATSEEKER BALL!
Graham (picking himself off the floor three rows back): I'll keep that in mind.
Primarily, her hand settled over a Great Ball, feeling the blue-and-white sphere's black ridges that supplied extra capture abilities.
Tim: External ridges wouldn't help keep a pokemon inside the ball.
Leaping into the shade of an under-construction portion of the mall, she waited for the right moment to launch a preview attack.
Graham: Can it be a preview to a porn movie instead?
***
Within the span of an hour, Misty had, at last, found the appropriate dress and bathing suit--the dress was a short skirt with a navy blue top that looked quite good on her. Her bathing suit was much more revealing--a two-piece white-and-red bikini. She walked out, the Hovercart towing her newest possessions, while Kevin walked out with a red suit that reminded Misty of some ware of clothing from an Animé she had once seen--something like 'Dragon Spheres' or something like that.
Tim: (new york accent) Hey baby, check out these "Dragon balls"
Graham: Damn, that was good and sick!
Misty: I'd prefer to see Ash's... (slaps hand over her mouth)
Ash left the TM store with a 'Thunder Punch' TM for Pikachu, a 'Swift' TM for Pidgeotto, and a highly expensive 'Dragon Rage' TM for Charizard.
Pikachu, now in the food court, was stuffing his tiny body with ketchup packets.
Tim: Now he knows how to eat ketchup!
Misty: You mean he eats it like that too?
Graham: Don't get me started...
None of them were prepared for battle.
Kurama decided it was the perfect time to strike.
"Mynock," she whispered, "Aracknydd... GOO!!!"
Tim: Hello, Lucasarts? I'd like to report someone ELSE violating your copyright for once...
The Great Balls sang in the air, splitting in half along the median line and power button. Energy flowed out of each, forming into two separate...things. One had a triple-pronged mouth, in the center of which was a wet mouth that was lined with spiky teeth. Its angular body had bugged-out eyes, and two pairs of thrashing, bat-like wings, complemented by a long, barb-tipped tail.
Graham: from the description I'd say it looked like Oscar.
Misty: Who is this Oscar person?
Tim: I'll tell you later.
Its companion was much, much different. Its angular head was surrounded by two gargantuan, barbed, vertical-opening scarab-beetle like pincers, revealing a moist area with a slit for a mouth and a single, bloodshot, no-pupil eye. Its body was slick and glossy, green, with shimmering parts of red, white, blue, and black wherever more light showed. Its gargantuan, curving mantis-clawed arms were connected to the angular body by what looked like blaster cannons. Long, dainty and spined legs spread out behind it, a long abdomen balancing it out.
Kurama called from her concealment, "Mynock, drain electricity! Aracknyd, blast everything in sight!"
The bug--Aracknyd--roared its approval and fried a nearby magazine kiosk. Its body writhed as it evolved into something horrid--its color changed to mostly red and its legs grew longer. Dragonfly wings spread out behind it as it flew into the air. The laser cannon joints fried anything it pointed at, its jaws ripping through the furniture department.
Meanwhile, the other one--Mynock--flew into the electronics department, draining electricity from anything that was running. It roared as it darted to the skylight on the top floor, draining all energy from the video game arcade. Pikachu stopped eating and started running as electricity flowed into the thing's moist, gluttonous mouth.
Graham: Right...
Misty and Kevin dodged the again-evolved Aracknyd. Now, it was like a gluttonous worm, pincer-like jaws draining energy and using its bulk to throw aside large objects.
"I'd think that time is well overdue for a Pokémon battle!" Kevin said, before he yelled, "Go, LIGHTBULB!"
Misty, in tandem, shrieked, "Go, PSYDUCK!"
Misty: Why the hell would I call out Psyduck?
"BluuPikablu!"
Graham: I thought he was called Marril
Tim: HE IS CALLED MARRIL!
"HEYA!"
Pikablu and Staryu leapt from their Pokéballs.
Misty smiled at her ingenuity, and commanded, "Staryu, Hydro Pump!"
Tim: Psyduck woulda come out anyways, you realize?
Misty: Yes, I do...
"Lightbulb, Thunderbolt!"
Staryu thrust forward three of his points at the maggot Pocket Monster, sending out triple water streams, while Pikablu sent a streaming bolt of electricity at the mutant. Both hit with accuracy. However, the monster didn't faint. Or flinch. Or take damage. It evolved--again.
Tim: RIGHT! An all powerful Pokemon. SURE! and it Ain't Cheddor? BULL!
"Damn!" yelled Kevin, as even the sun's light seemed dim as the thing grew electric white and mutated, "That thing's evolving like an Eevee on drugs!"
Now, a more humanoid thing was in place, bipedal, with very mantis claws and a beetle's head. Scorpion pincers clawed from its stomach, snapping at the trainers.
Just then, Ash yelled, "Bulbasaur, Charizard, GO!"
Charizard--with its new attack--flew at the electric drainer, firing Ember shots from his tail. Mynock went down in flames. Seemingly out of nowhere, the ugly was sent into its now-invisible Great Ball.
Pikachu--electricity slightly drained--leapt down to Ash via the longest down escalator. Bulbasaur wrapped Aracknyd with Vinewhip, and Kevin and Misty's monsters both sent a powerful Bubblebeam to keep the monster under control. Pikachu--after briefly learning its new attack--sent a wave of electricity that bound the overgrown insect.
"Charizard, use Dragon Rage!" Ash commanded, leaping into a nearby store.
Charizard 360ed into the fountain. After a second of silence, Charizard's head--and five others, from his Double Team technique--swirled in the fountain, creating a huge waterspout that wound around up to the top floor's sunroof. The Dragon Rage tornado flared onto the bug--after all of his pals had retreated--warping it wildly, thrashing it in the dragon's energy, and finally sending Aracknyd flying into the streets. As it glowed with the power of another evolution, it was recalled by its unseen trainer.
Graham: Well that was stupid, doing dragon rage just like the gyarydos.
Tim: Smacked of Hiryoushoutenha.
As the confusion in the mall subsided, Kurama leapt into an alley as the Stealth Mantle's battery was completely drained. While her Aracknyd had evolved into its final form (recalled before it completely morphed), on its first day of fighting, nonetheless it had fainted. Evolution was definitely heightened by this planet's lesser gravity than on Planet P and Klendathu. Her Mynock had learned its special attack before that Charizard defeated it--so she knew she was ready for the fashion show.
Tim: Star wars Mosters from planets with Star Trek names. PATHETIC!
And Kurama's demonstration did its job--causing enough damage to freak people out, but not enough so that they couldn't be completely fixed within a few days. Most of the stores could be open by midnight that night. And often were--the mall was open 24 hours. It needed to be to get the maximum amount of commerce possible. The city was quite equal in its mode of nocturnal and diurnal civilians--with a few that were both. Kurama was one of those. Lifting up the discharged Stealth Mantle, she said, apparently to no one, "Old One, brother, come forth."
A nearby trashcan shone with light as her brother, a Crow Pixie-type Tengu--a second-stage evolution of the Tengu (with a flowing beard and pixie-like wings)--flew out of the Galactic Link Warp created in a less-then-favorable place.
Misty: NOT EVERYTHING EVOLVES!
Tim: Hell ya, not all pokemon with multiple forms "evolve" either!
Graham: Example, BUG TYPES!
"Yes, Sister?" He said, sighing.
"Get this charged with my Gas Mask, Night Vision visors, and Jetpack," she said, handing him the Mantle, "Tomorrow is going to be one Hell of a time..."
Tim: I hear hell is especially nice this time of year
=====
(II) I FEEL PRETTY... {by I-don't-remember-who}
Curulean Quarantine, Hazardous Material Section
Meanwhile...
Graham: They took him far enough away didn't they? I mean Cerulean?
"Well, Mr./Ms./It. Brock," said Nurse Joy #12, through a quarantine suit and in a cheery voice, as usual, "We've taken a review of every virgin in this district, and frankly, none of us want to make a naughty little sacrifice to save your freaking gender identity."
"How many virgins are in this city, right now?" Brock asked, innocently.
"Four, counting me," Joy said, in the same tone of voice.
Two seconds later, the janitorial closet door began to vibrate wildly.
"Make that three," Joy sighed.
"Who are the others?" Brock asked.
"None of your fucking business, freak!" Joy said, her eyes closed and voice even cheerier. With that, she waltzed
outside.
*****
Celadon Pageant, The Next Day, 9:00
The Vileplume-roofed ceiling of the Celadon Gym was surrounded by various shops, souvenir and otherwise, and of course, the beauty pageant's primary platform, or PPP. Pikachu was telling Togepi--who was at a daycare tent--about a flower he had saved from a fire at the Gym a year ago. His chubby chest was high with pride as he told the egg how he had dragged a watering can filled to the brim to the flower and put it out, saving the little thing. Togepi was on his toes--and fell over. Pikachu, sighing, helped his spherical friend back up as Misty got ready on
stage.
Tim: Why the fuck would the contest be on the gym roof? It doesn't make sense! Of course the author doesn't have half his facts straight, so...
"Oh, man, I'm nervous!" She whispered to Ash and Kevin, "What if I don't even make it past the first elimination round?"
"Oh, come on!" Ash said, "Last year, you not only blew away the western division, you won the pageant!"
Tim: And last night Ash blew his load into ya'
Misty: That's not true! Ash and I have only gotten to thir- I gotta go to the bathroom!
(Misty runs outside, the two regulars follow her, pausing the fic)
Outer room 12:30
Graham: So Ash and Misty are sexually active?
Tim: Takes after his cousin, Ranma
Graham: You think R & A are active?
Tim: Nope, I KNOW Ranma and Akane have been gettin' it on.
(from the girl's room, a muffled noise is heard. Misty exits a few minutes later)
Misty: You guys didn't hear anything in there did you?
Tim: Nope, we didn't hear you masturbating, Misty
Misty: Whew, for a sec- HEY!
Graham: You wanted to know who Oscar was?
Misty: Oh yeah, who is he?
Tim: I'm not sure you're ready for this, but okay
(a Fanfic appears on the screen in the wall, Misty reads for a few minutes, then rushes to the Bathroom, retching this time)
Graham: Let's head back in, shall we?
(They reneter as Misty returns)
(The theater, Tim unpauses the fanfic)
She nodded, remembering. He then whispered something in her ear so Kevin wouldn't hear. Misty broke into a grin and nodded.
"What'd you say to her?" Kevin asked.
"That's for me to know and you to not know," Ash replied.
Tim: I know, and so does Misty!
(Misty tries to hit him)
**
The first rounders were a doozy--twelve of them. Misty knew that by the end, there would be three finalists. And one winner. She sighed, and observed the first contestant, which drew a gasp from her. It was Jessie--and loaded with all four of her Pokémon at her belt. Arbok, Likitoung, Hitmonlee, and Pinsr--each humiliated at their last defeat. And willing to fight back. Jessie strutted her stuff and took her place back in line. Next, was something that
drew gasps from the entire crowd.
Misty: When did she get a Pinsir and a Hitmonlee?
The next lovely that waltzed on stage was beautiful--raven-colored hair, a leather dress that showed an insane amount of cleavage, with soft cloth netting as a belt, and a lower half that was pulled almost taunt. Misty's rear end hurt just thinking how hard it must have been to move in that thing. A crowd pleaser was what appeared to be decorative headwear--little wings that seemed to be attached to her hair. As the leather-clad temptress took her place, the announcer called, "That was Kurama, folks! Something tells me that beauty is a shoe-in for first place!"
The first round went by without a hitch. Six made it past: Misty, Jessie, Kurama, as well as some old friends--Duplika, the Ditto trainer; Lara Laramie, the Ponyta trainer with the overly southern American accent; and a well-distasted enemy, the overly self-advertised Giselle.
Tim: I think he means "American... trainer... with the overly southern accent" Otherwise, it dun make a crap o sense.
Next was the second round--a bathing suit expo with a Pokémon as well. First up was Misty. The crowd strained to see the orange-haired girl as close as possible. Misty accented her chest, petitely hugging Psyduck, who was a tad confused at what was going on--as usual. But the effect was enough for the judges--all but one was ten. The other was 9.5.
Graham: You shoulda used Togepi there, Misty
Misty: Yeah, a 9.5, someone bribed that judge!
Jessie posed with Arbok. She had a lovely, black and red one-piece, her Arbok wrapped around her neck and shoulders like a boa (begging for a pun, and is), showing off its warning marks, flicking its tongue across Jessie's nose. Adding to this was that she had erect tits. James--who was backstage--was pleased with this, trying to draw any attention away from his tightening pants. All 9.5s.
Tim: Actually, that begging for a pun is idiotic, as a Boa is a constrictor. a Cobra's a venomous snake. Pun therefore equals stupidity upon the part of the author.
Then, Lara strutted onstage. Her outfit was more of a bit of Scuba gear then anything else. Though it did accent her more likeable features. She stroked a Ninetails, who lovingly waved around its silken tail. This wasn't as popular as the others, though.
Tim: I doubt she'd be wearing a scuba suit. Or maybe the guy just don't like Lara, either way I think she'd be wearing a Bikini like everyone else. Trust me, I know southern teenagers.
Duplika was next. Two Duplikas. Each with a lavender suit that showed off their lovely navels. Except one had lovely features and blue eyebrows accenting her slightly crimson eyes. The other had the oddly smiling face of a Ditto. With a flash of light, Ditto showed himself off, his cute pink body winning the judges. Five strait 9s.
Graham: I see what you meant about facts, Tim. The ditto overcame that problem, it can now become anything!
Giselle was so scantily clad, she was almost an example of softcore pornography. She moved with a practiced grace that was accented as she was lifted by her four-armed Graveler. Still, she wasn't as popular as the others.
Misty: I can see why not! She's not have as beautiful as I am!
Tim: And the author thought Giselle was vain.
Then there was Kurama. She was even more scantly clad then she was earlier. It was leather again, showing the center of her chest and about 3/4ths of her rear end. One band of leather wound between one hole on the right half of her bra, the other half, two. A Beedrill hovered around her, moving in graceful cuts.
Unseen to the rest of the audience were two Tengu--second-stage evolutions, like the Old One, each lacking any sort of beard or other facial hair.
One said to the other, "I think we should make things easier fer Kurama."
Donning miniature Stealth Mantles that fit well over their chests, the other said, "Oh, yeah."
The Stealth Mantles did their work.
With a swift snag of the leather band holding the top up, her two, beautiful, perfect red nipples were exposed. Blushing, she acted like it was supposed to happen, and sucked on one breast nervously. Needless to say, despite Kurama's embarrassment, she got complete 10s on the board.
Tim: I know why too, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
(He and Graham laugh for the next few minutes)
The winners were swiftly determined from the elimination round: Misty, Kurama, and Jessie. The beauties strutted on stage, their Pocket Monsters showing off.
An interviewer asked Kurama, "You put on quite a show today, Ms. Kurama..."
"You may call me Kurama-Tengu." She said, a sneer on her face, "And I have quite a surprise team for the battle."
Tim: No more suprising than the show she put on...
The interviewer said, intrigued, "You can only use four Pokémon. We can only wait for the battle."
Kurama walked off towards a dressing tent, preparing for the battle ahead.
=====
(III) NICE GUYS FINISH LAST {by Green Day}
Quarantine Zone, Celadon City
Graham: So they at least moved him back to Celadon now.
Brock was quite surprised by Joy's appearance in the quarantine area without a quarantine suit.
She sighed, "Brock, there's good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" Brock asked, with the innocent voice of that particular Japanese schoolgirl.
Tim: I'm gona go "loony" if he doesn't tell us who he means
"Well, it turns out you're not a hermaphrodite," Joy said, sighing again, "Bad news--you're completely female. You need a firm blast from a Testosterone Gun, APEX brand, to cancel out the ACME Estrogen Ray, to even begin to heal your malady."
Tim: Acme makes the testo-gun too, Apex doesn't even have a gender gun on the market!
Soon, Brock was released into the wild, and immediately wandered to the Beauty Pageant--to check out the ladies...
***
Preparation Tents, 30 minutes before the Battle
As the combatants grew ready, Ash checked, near Misty's changing tent, his Pokédex. He scrolled down the list of Pokémon, saying, "Dexter, have you located any files about the Pokémon I faced yesterday?"
Dexter chirped, at last, "Evolution files on the Aracknyd genus found. Display?"
"Yes!" Ash said.
"First evolution: Cockroach." On his screen, the monster appeared, looking like his name. "Scout bug Pokémon. Needs to eat every half-hour. Has only Scratch for an attack. Second evolution: Aracknyd." The monster Ash had seen the day before appeared on screen.
"Its shoulder-joints are actual Knife Beam emitters. A glancing blow can make any Pokémon faint. Third stage: Pteranabug." The familiar evolved form showed up. "Pteranabug's favorite attack is Blytz, which it jolts, twists and thrusts its blades, Knife Beam bolts, legs, and razor-edged
Tim: Blade beams? Blytz? Author needs to describe what the hell these attacks are.
wings wildly. Fourth stage-" Never heard of a Pokémon with four straight evolution stages. "-is Brain Bug." The maggot-like bug appeared. "In the past, it used its Leech Life to suck the brains out of an opponent. It weakened over time and can only drain only a relatively tiny bit of energy.
"The fifth stage-"--the lanky bug--"-is Native. Its favorite attack is Announcerbomb, which intimidates a Pokémon until time is up and it blows up. The sixth and final stage is Queenbug--no picture available. Its favorite attacks are Bug Plasma and Astro Crusher."
Tim: I take that back, the author needs to not make up these new attacks, they're stupid!
"Sounds serious," uttered Ash, "Lucky we didn't battle that."
Dex continued, "These Pokémon come from the Klendathu system. List other Pokémon from that universe?" Ash nodded. "Other alien Pokémon: Mynock, a Megadrain Pokémon." The ugly bat-wing appeared. "It drains electricity from plants and electric generators.
"Mynarid--no picture available. It can drain all energy from a city in one Leech Life. Rancor--no pic available--Megacarnivore Pocket Monster. It will eat all meat except for Pokémon and humans--even if the meat is poisonous. Hunter, the Unnamed Pokémon. Its multiple maws can rip through steel. It has too many evolution stages to list."
Tim: Lucas, it's me again. I'd like to inform you...
Graham: GIVE US A CHANCE TO COMMENT!
Misty: If it's unnamed, then why does it have a name?
With that, the Pokédex signed off to the main screen. Ash holstered the item, just as the battle began.
***
The battleground was a triangular platform--several inches of concrete above soft earth. Misty held her first Pokémon out--a Pokéball that she checked that held Starmie. Jessie had her Hitmonlee in the ready. And Kurama was wearing some bizarre techno-gadgetry--a metal backpack strapped to her leather outfit, with several launchers and weapons strapped abound her belt. A gas mask was around her dog collar and a Great Ball in hand. Across her scantly-clad chest was a yellowish breastplate with several little increments on it.
Misty: All pokemon battles are one on one.
Graham: and the batle ground usually is on the ground.
Tim: Like I said, very little facts straight.
In the crowd, Kevin yelled, "Hey, Ash! I found Brock!"
Ash looked as Kevin dragged the oogling trainer to him and Gary.
"There's a little note in his shoe," Kevin said, "It says to blast him with an APEX Testosterone Gun."
"So, who has an APEX Testosterone Gun?" Gary asked.
Misty: AAAGH! Why is he still here?
Everybody in earshot pulled out a smallish orange weapon and blasted Brock. The scorched trainer twitched on the ground as Kevin said, "In a few hours, he'll be back to normal. Right now..."
The announcer drowned him out, saying, "Alright, everybody uses four Pocket Monsters. No more, but you can use less. Now, a brief check on the three lucky women who survived the eliminations, simulcast in Spanish, Japanese, African, Hawaiian, Chinese, Russian, et cetera.
Tim: but NOT in english since everybody here speaks it.
"Over here is the winner of the Saffron Pageant and Gym Leader of Curelian, Misty! This little water flower is rumored to be taking care of an American Pokémon, Togepi.
Tim: You mean this little thing? (spinning Togepi around on his finger like a basketball) I find these thing's eggs all the time in Winston.
"And Jessie--member of Team Rocket. Remember when we were afraid of them? She has an Arbok, Pinsr, Hitmonlee and Lickitoung. That's all...
"And there's the newcomer, Kurama, apparently very decked out and ready for anything.
"Now, here's a reminder: the winner gets a picture with Leonardo diCaprio, of Titanic fame, and vouchers for a shopping spree at Celadon Mall! Runner-up gets a new sports Veretech from Sylph Company, and third place gets a large bag filled with Rare Candy for their Pocket Monsters!
Tim: I suggest second and third place, as Leo will not be, shortly. (Launches a missile aimed for a certain titanically bad actor)
"Now, let the battle begin!"
Soon, two Pokémon were out--Starmie and Hitmonlee.
"Well, stand back, girls, Kurama said, "GO!" The Great Ball split in half along its equator and sent energy flowing out. The Pokémon was covered in an evolution aura, but went underground before its identity was revealed. All was silent...
Graham: As the audience tried to comprehend the author's writing mistakes.
...Before its head shoved out of the ground, towering over every person in the crowd. It was a twisted beetle's head, opening its lion-toothed mouth, sending shots of flame from a crackling, tiny antenna that sprouted from its head. Then, an arm shot out, towering over every kiosk and tent, and even the beauty pageant stage. Another arm, then two hind legs that pushed an elephantine middle out, followed by a pulsing, blue abdomen. It glowed with an internal, amazing light.
Tim: I could take it, easy!
Misty: With one hand tied behind your back?
Tim: Nope, behind yours.
"Use your Astro Crusher!" Kurama shrieked, launching into the air on the now-revealed jetpack. It roared in acknowledgment, and raised its head strait up.
Three points of light appeared in the sky, then hit the ground as the truck-sized asteroids wiped out Hitmonlee. Starmie, who was strong against rock attacks, was left with a scant bit of energy. As the crowd dispersed, Pokémon trainers sent out their monsters to battle the huge beast.
"Use your Bug Plasma!" Kurama commanded, firing KO gas from what looked like a green grenade launcher.
Graham: Knockout gas, suuuuuure.
The thing roared as its abdomen began to glow with the gathering of energy. When it was fully charged, a huge photon blast shot out...right from its butthole. The blast arced and slammed into the ground, fainting all that were weak against bug attacks. Not only that, she shrieked, gleeful, "EVERY-BODY-MUST-GOOO!!"
Tim: TO-THE-BATHROOOOOM!!!!
All but her Beedrill were sent out. The first monster was Mynock. Another was some two-story-building freak, the color of desert sands with black, beady eyes and giant claws. It was quite rancorous--Ash decided that it was the Rancor, along with Queenbug.
Another was a shimmering, black thing that was like a walking skeleton. It had a long, spined frill, and had a sweeping tail that stretched into a short blade. It had gargantuan, shredded, black wings. Claws glistened nastily. It uttered in a surprisingly low voice, "Ayy... lii... aahn..." It was an Alien evolution.
Tim: Graham, remind me to launch a missile at the author when this is done, willya?
Graham: He doest defile the sacred ALIEN? Kill him many times before his death, Tim.
And the next thing took the breath away from all people in the city. It was...there was nothing that could describe it. Its wingspan blotted out the sun. Its three-pronged mouth was lined with teeth the size of cement trucks. It had a tail that looked about the length of Curelian City. It was obviously the evolution of Mynock. Mynarid...
Giddy, Kurama shrieked, "ALRIGHT! LET'S RUMBLE!!"
Misty: Let's not, and say we didn't.
last episode was a cliffhanger, so let's continue this!
The Pokémon Boss Wars:
The Beauty Padgent From the Under Glaxies! Part Two
by Jacob Orravan
When we last left the Boss Wars, Kurama Tengu, the princess of the
demon-birds, was in the midst of the Celadon Padgent against Misty and
Jessie. Her Intergalactic Pocket Monsters overwhelmed Jessie and the
Rockets, and Kurama's 'Mon have gone psycho! Is the team ready to face this
challenge? As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say: HELL YEAH!
Chapter 1: Nice Guys Finish Last, part 2
The troupe split up against each of the intergalactic mutants- leaving
Gary exposed to the Take Down attack of Kurama's Queenbug. The giant beetle
missed- barely- sending the trainer flying. Exeggcutor's Safari Ball fell
Misty: DAMNIT, IT MISSED! WHY'D IT MISS?
from his belt, which sent the lumbering palm-tree thing into battle.
Unawares of what to do as the freak in front of it charged up for a
Megathrower attack, it dumbly fired an Egg Bomb into its open maw.
Tim: Again new moves with no explanation as to what they are.
With a loud gulp, fallowed by an explosion, Queenbug fell, fainted.
Kevin, aboard his Sylph hovercycle, swooped low, and chucked what looked like
an Ultra Ball covered in silocone chips under the near-fainted mutant. The
ball split in four peices, five counting the button- that fell to the center
of the opened ball, firing out a Containment Feild. Kurama paused in midair,
seacing her KO Gas barrage to watch as her gargantuan Pocket Monster's
abdomen was sucked into the ball. Its hind legs crumpled and flowed inside
the orb.
Its legs flailed in the air before being completely sucked inside, its
roaring head falling in last. The Ultra Ball closed, sending a loud PING!
into the air. Kevin tossed four other balls, yelling, "They're called Hacker
Balls! They can catch trained Pokémon!" Ash snagged a ball, then rolled and
Sword-Blasted the Alein Queen, sending it back a step. The cresent-headed
monster gave a demonic chortle, and shot out a second mouth.
Graham: Stealing ideas from the movie now, are we?
A foot out of its maw was a second one- short. Then, a third shot out-
if you could call it a mouth. It looked like an elaborate alein garbage
disposal- dozens of blades, clanking, sharp pincers, and other nasty-looking
attachments. The silver thing- much longer then the second mouth- slashed by
Ash's shoulder, missing barely, but cutting a small slash on his cheek.
Undaunted, the trainer aimed his sword for a Sword Blast. . but nothing
happened. Sparks of energy gently flashed across, but not enough to use
effectively.
Misty: What's an Alein?
Tim: Something used to pick up chicks in a single's bar.
The creature gave a rough cackle, and charged its meat grinder mouth at
the trainer. Ash backflipped, holding onto his sword with a death grip. He
darted, not being able to summon the power for a Sword Blast. It was if the
power was leeking out of his cut along with the small drops of blood. After
five minutes of darting, he was snagged again in the shoulder, sending Ash to
the earth below.
The warrior twisted around to face his attacker. . . as his sword traced
orange flame ten feet on either side of him, as the Spinning Blade Striker
sent him into a hovering 360. The extending mouth of the Queen Alein was
Tim: (PA) Now stealing from Aisle Zelda.
vivisected in seven peices as Ash stopped spinning and fell, dizzy. It
roared with vengance, and flew into the sky. Ash, with a defending cry of
victory, yelled, "Charizard, hit him with a Dragon Rage!" Charizard dove
into the streets below, tunneling into the sewer system.
With an echoing roar, a whirling energy tunnel bursted out of the ground,
engulfing the mutant. A flare of fire stirred the tornado, slamming the
outmatched alein into the ground. A chuck of Ash's Hacker Ball was the last
thing it saw before the sphere split into five pieces. The blue-red nexus
core turned the alein into energy, spreading it out onto each individual
part. The ball snapped together, sending a PANG throughout the air.
Graham: One, having Charizard always using dragon rage exactly like the gyarados is stupid, and Two, since when has charizard obeyed Ash anyways?
Misty circled Rancor, as it slammed its foot into the ground, sending a
resounding Earthquake shockwave. Undaunted, Misty lept into the air and let
her bejeweled boomerang fly. The beast was hit in the eye, pausing it for a
second. Arcing, the water traienr sent the blunt end of her Naginata into
the freak's other eye. Rancor roared, clutching its wound. With a toss,
Psyduck, Horsee, and Goldeen flew into battle. Psyduck fell headfirst into
the pavement, the still-out Starmie settling next to him (after a swift round
of Recover). Horsee landed with a light bounce, and Goldeen swam into a
puddle created when Charizard wasted the pipe lines.
Misty commanded, thrusting her hand forward, "Starmie, Goldeen, Horsee,
use your Hydro Pump! And Psyduck. ." With a swift bash to his head, the
duck launched an automatic Psybeam. The attacks synchronized into the beast,
making it Confused. Rancor fell into the ground, hurting itself. As Misty
was about to give another warrior, somthing curious happened. As had been
seen that day, they were evolving. Within seconds, the experience-point
barrage had changed three of her Pokémon.
Graham: RIIIIIGHT! A pokemon evolving after having all four out against one monster, I DON'T THINK SO!!
Misty: And like I'd ever purposely call out Psyduck!
Standing (or floating) before the almost-fainted ugly was Golduck,
Seadra, Seaking and Starmie. With a wide grin, Misty commanded, "Golduck,
use Psychic! Starmie, Seadra, Blizzard! Seaking, Waterfall!" The attacks
froze, stunned, and finaly fainted the creep. With a light clattering of
Hacker Ball, the mutant was inside the tiny capture ball.
Only Mynock and Mynarid were left. The gargantuan flyer was still,
gathering thermal energy for power. The other one was trying to evade
Kevin's hovercycle, darting and dashing, going this way and that. However,
bursts of light trailed from Kevin's blaster, narrowly missing each time.
With a last-ditch effort, the small freak cut speed by banking its wings.
Kevin roared past it, and made good use of its Electrosucker attack. The
simple cyborg grimaced as the vehicle decended forcefuly. He turned around
and used his eye-mounted blasters to fire at Mynock. His scanner locked into
place, looking for its weakest point. As it zoomed towards Misty, he seaced
fire for fear of misaiming and hitting his partner.
Drool leaked from Mynock's tooth-lined mouth. Kurama, who was still
trying to ward off the crowd, commanded, "Use your attack, now! Soul
Sucker!" The mutant hovered above Golduck, Seadra and Seaking. Black,
sharp-edged cables shot from its mouth, and through Misty's Pokémon. The
trainer cried out as her Pokémon writhed- they were not impaled, but rather,
were having their experience points drained out. Soon, they were back to
their previous forms, fainted. Starmie couldn't fight back as it was shocked
by Electro-Discharger. With only Staryu at her belt and Togepi with Pikachu
in the oddly-untouched Nursery Tent, she might as well had a target on her
back.
Tim: A mynock could not do that, plus how can you suck away experience, period?
However, hopelessness set in as Mynock glowed with an all-too familiar
light. . evolution. Within seconds, two Mynarids flew with triumphant cries
into the sun's light. Their hudge eyes scanned the electricity below them.
It never crossed their soulless minds that people on life support, or
dyalasis machines, or transfusion equipment, would be left without power or a
prayer. It never even penetrated.
Tim: I'm wondering here, why not just shoot em? Mynocks can be taken out with a blaster bolt, even if they do suck energy. The bolt just fries em crispy!
Chapter 2: All Star
As the creatures prepared for the largest electric buffet of their lives,
Pikachu had senced the monster's electric levels. The yellow mouse hopped
out of the nursery tent and leered at the mutants. An idea crossed his
2-year-old mind, and he raced to Ash on all fours. Pikachu squeeked to his
trainer, "Pi! Pikachu cha!" Ash said, "But Pikachu, you could faint with
that plan. . and we'd be goners. . still." The mouse gave the trainer a
good slap and said, "Chuuu!" Ash sighed, and sent him on Pidgeotto to the
skies above.
The yellow mouse directed the warrior bird to between the beasts, whom
were circling around the city like twin sharks, waving their gargantuan,
reptylic tails around recklessly. Pikachu sent out a weak Thunder Jolt
attack at each of them. They blinked as a blue beam of electricity sparked
into their eyes. Turning to meet their foe, Kurama called from under them,
"Use Soul Stealer on that little rodent! NOW!"
Graham: and devolve him into what, a Pichu?
Nodding, dozens of tendrils shot from their cement-truck sized mouths.
With a flash of light, Pidgeotto's Quick Attack darted them out of the way of
the oncoming energy suckers. The sun seemed dim in the fallowing explosion
of EXP scattering throughout the atmosphere, being climaxed by Pikachu's
Thunderbolt. When the sky was calm, two dazed Mynocks fell to the earth, and
into the safety of waiting Hacker Balls.
Misty: Damn, that's a good plan for such a small rodent! Hey, who threw the Hacker balls?
Angered and out of ammo, Kurama turned towards the celebrating group.
She shreiked, whipping out her repaired Anima Laser, "Give my Pokémon back,
and you can keep your gender identity clear!" She thrusted her oversized oak
leaf at the trainers, sending purple-tinted energy flying at the group. Ash
lept up and deflected the blast with his Mirrored Sheild. Kevin yelled,
"Outta the way. . KAYOKEENN!"
Tim: Now he's stealing from DBZ too!
He was surrounded by an aura of red bonfire as the K'i blast engulfed
Kurama, who fell to the earth, dazed and defeated. Just then, Gary noted,
"Hey, Kev! Check out your new suit!" Looking down at his garmets, Kevin
said, bewildered, "T. . they're BLUE!" True to his word, his clothe's
fabrics were affected by the blast of pure K'i, turning them into a fine aqua
under his leather jacket. Misty commented, "They look better on you that
way, actualy."
Misty: When the hell did Gary show back up? Of course that IS just like him, to show up when the danger's past.
As the spectators flowed back into the damage zone (totaling twenty-five
feet in a square area) Pikachu held his maple hands together and waved them
in victory, Pidgeotto grinning viciously. Kurama moaned, "Ohhhhh. . . maby
I should have just stayed at Tomboki. . ." Gahering the Hacker Balls, she
sauntered off, saying to the now-appearing Old One, "Remind me to send them.
. . The Gift."
The announcer, unphased, said, "Allright, the judges have chosen the
winner of the '08 Celadon Padgent. . the third prize, the Large Bag 'O Rare
Candy, is going to. . Pokécharity. The second prize, a Sylph Sports
Veretech, goes to. . . me. The first prize, a date with Leo diCaprio goes
to. . ."
The world held its breath.
"That cute little hermaphadite thing in the third row to the right,
center of the crowd!"
Tim: He must mean Cartman. (imitating cartamn's voice) hey sodjaboy! saki-saki- fi' dalla!
Graham: Brain hurting, what the hell did you just say?
* * *
The Next Day . . .
The sun was shining as Kevin flew in his Hovercycle, bearing his new
Rainbowbadge. Misty noted, "Hey, were's Brock?" A few seconds later, the
aforementioned trainer fell to earth in a spray of dirt and mildew. Misty
didn't bother to wake him, but took a little note that was wrapped around his
neak. She read aloud,
"To the scumbags that threw me out of the competition:
My race, the Tengu, require me to bestow my defeators with three gifts.
I have one for the Sword Weilder, the disgusting little lech (Must be Brock) and the one
who out-matched me. For the lech, a Tengu Submachine gun, able to rapid-fire
energy bolts powered by a Magic Meter. See instruction manuel for further details."
Tim:Hmmm, Zelda rip-off..., oh and wielder was spelled wrong
Misty hiked Brock up, brushed him off, and placed the aformed object in
his hands. He fell like a stone to the ground. As Kevin placed Brock on his
Hovercycle, Misty continued,
"To the Sword-Weilder: a Cloystoid Blaster-ball bag. It allows the owner
to weild the powerful Cloystoid bomb- miniscule weapons that can send gargantuan
blasts of energy into a small space."
Tim: Oxymoronic description there
Misty: Take of "oxy", and you've got a pretty good description of the author too.
Ash found a burlap-looking napsack that had many bulges within it. Misty
read the final paragraph:
"To the wench that managed to win in spirit over me in battle, a device
that should be very familiar. Enjoy it, as it can only be a gift- that cannot be thrown
away. It should get you through many a restless night.
Pleasant nightmares,
Kurama Tengu."
Misty withdrew a small, cloth-wrapped object. Kevin strained to see what
it was. Misty shook rapidly and squeaked a little bit at the discovery of
what it was. She turned it heasatently to Kevin- a long, ivory-looking
shaft. It was ornately carved, with an open flower-petal design at one end,
and a tiny, mother-of-pearl-looking knob on the other. He asked, "It looks
pretty. Why is it so. . nasty, then?"
Misty shakingly showed him a holochip. "Read these lines of this fanfic.
. ."
A loud, long scream echoed throughout the air.
* * *
Team Rocket's apartment in Celadon. . .
Graham: They can afford an apartment?
The human members of Team Rocket lied together on the small futon in the
living room of the apartment, both nude and breathing heavily. "Jessie,"
asked James, "Will this take your mind off the padgent?" Jessie nodded
slightly, and slowly pushed herself to his croch. She wrapped her red lips
around his member, and pushed her face completely to his base. She sucked
gently, swallowing as well in her throat, stimulating his member's head. His
sticky cum soon flowed down her throat, and she withdrew.
Tim: FINALLY! he bills it as a lemon but with only ONE sex scene so far?
Misty: (wretching)
James switched positions and flicked his tounge inside her moist
creavace, lapping up her vaginal cream. Changing again, James gave Jessie a
long, probing kiss as his shaft inserted into her cunt. He thrusted inside
her, sucking her red nipples that were erect under her bathing suit earlier
that day. Soon, his jism flowed inside of her labia, past her curvix and
inside her empty womb.
Graham: I see he knows how babies are made.
"Jessie?"
"Yes, James?"
The dim apartment shaded the two in darkness as James asked, "Jessie, are
you still depressed about loosing the beauty padgent?" She sighed, "No. .
you helped out. I fell better. ." Just then, the sillouete of a Hovercycle
passed by the open apartment window, sending in a shaft. The object gently
hovered and locked on to target.
Tim: It's written Pageant. get it right, magikarp for brains
The infamous female pleasure device had locked on to James, and was
slowly advancing to its screaming objective's certen area. . . . . . . .
Misty and Graham: WHAT THE FUCK?
Tim: Exactly!
On the next chapter of Boss Wars:
After Kevin gets his second-to-last badge in Vermillion City, the group
takes a museum trip to see the ledgendary Water Jade. However, a vengeful
water spryte is looking to use the magic object for sinister purposes indeed.
. . .
Send feedback! PS: The 'certen object' belongs to PJ. . . and he can
HAVE it. His fanfiction is disgusting and spine-chilling when it comes to
hentai. The hermaphadite reference is to the imfamous Oscar. Now if you
excuse me, I have to take a shower to wash the grime of those references off.
. . .
Bonus! Extra chapter! Not the one I promiced, though. . . sorry!
The storm is coming. . . so you better get an umbrella. Boss Wars thunders
on, splitting realy old trees in half and shocking people through the
telephone wires. . . well, maby not the tree thing.
The Boss Wars
Step Away From the Hallucinagenic Magic Crystal! part One
by Jacob Orravan
Prolouge: Museum
Tim: Prolouge, that's an italian cheese, isn't it?
Vermilion City Art Museum
Kevin said, in awe, "Sweet home Arkansas! Is this a museum or a friggin'
puzzle from 'Rivin? !"
Graham: Vermillion? Arkansas? I don't think so! Vermillion is a port city!
Tim: As for his question, is there a difference?
The art museum was insanely large, with subdivisions of subdivisions of
types of art. Brock said, in awe, "I didn't know there was enough Victorian
abstract nude lame-right-handed artist between the Dark Ages and Middle Ages
to make a class!" Pikachu and Togepi swirled around, dizzy. Misty said, "I
want to see the exhibit of Runes before it leaves at 6!" Ash said,
"Allright, ladies first. The Runes." He passed a swift wink at his luv, as
she winked back.
Misty: That's not true, Ash and I- I gotta go to the bathroom again (she tries to run but finds herself handcuffed to the seat)
Tim: You're finishing this fic, now MISTY, MISTY!
The first room of Runes held a large description of the items. Gary
read, scrolling his finger across the large descriptor wall, " 'Runes have
been dated on objects since 10,000 years BC. Many cultures at one time or
another have used these mysterious markings. Nobody knows when the first
runes were placed on objects. They are not a language, but rather, a
supposed mystical symbot to provide the object it was on with spirit power.
Graham: Runes aren't a language, then how...? (pulls out a rune plate) There goes five years of translations.
" 'Runes were the basis of Magic, according to ledgend. If one gazed at
runes, it was said he or she could be granted the ability to control and warp
the elements. The most recently used are the runes electronicaly used in TMs
and HMs.' " The skript was interrupted by a picture of an HM and TM. Rather
then continue, Gary said, "C'mon, let's just see those things and move on!"
Tim: Runes in TM's? I doubt!
Graham: Script with a K?
Tim: Well sKript Kould be written that way, but only in Mortal Kombat. And you gotta touch runes to get their powers.
In the next room, almost everything was packed up. Except for one
section that only Misty and Kevin caught sight of. An entire wall of Runes.
Misty remembered the markings- similar ones were at Saffron's transformed
Gym. Ash said he had seen markings on the day they fought Kurama on a bit of
debris. By chance or fate, a sheet was draped over it by a worker, who said,
"Sorry- we're shippin' out early. We're on to Pewter, if you want to fallow.
. ." Ash said, "Umm. . no thanks. Sorry we missed the Runes, Misty."
The rest of the trip was somewhat uneventful. Gary and Brock insisted on
staying near the nude statue exhibits, and Pikachu nearly groped a pop-art
picture of a row of ketchup bottles. After an hour of darting this way and
that, the troupe came upon. . .
Misty: a nude pictue of me?
Tim: you ARE vain.
"Hey," said Brock, "what's that crowd so interested in?" Togepi waded
through the tight pack of bodies, but was brought out by Pikachu after nearly
beeing trampled. When the group made their way through the maze of flesh,
the object was observed by all.
It was a blue sphere. A perfect sphere, inside a golden holster. It
glowed with a light that was not of this earth. What appeared to be formed
inside was a Rune image carved of energy. A small plaque under the item
read: THE WATER JADE. Ash squinted at the old-english text. Misty
translated, "It says 'The Water Jade'. Neat." Togepi tried to climb up the
pedistal to the orb, slipping all the way.
Gary said, "You know, that would look perfect on you, if it were smaller
and on a neaklace. ." Misty nondescretely whapped the trainer with a paper
fan. Kevin said, "Hey, how about we get outta here? I'm gettin' freaky
vibes from this stuff. . ." The others nodded and fallowed the Cyborg out of
the room.
* * *
Seconds after the trainers left the museum, a voice roared, "SHABON SPRAY
FREEZING!" The walls of the meuseum were coated in layers of ice, and
anything distinctly humanoid was well-frozen. Stalking out in the mists of
the sector, a girlish voice tittered wickedly as a form that was half-human,
half fish lifted the Water Jade from its pedistal. . .
Tim: Not another crossover! At least make it non Lum this time! And that was a Sailor moon move!!!!!
Chapter One: Pleasant Nightmares
The Next Night. . .
Kevin reclined on a park bench, thumbing his newly acquired Thunderbadge.
Misty was next to him, honing the blade of her Naginata on a strop she had
gotten that day. Gary was hanging out at the Dock, Brock was hanging out
with some men he had met at the Club Roxbury, a
MST4K04
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