The last really long one before I go back to the small ones for a good long while. The MST'd fics are generally better this time, though that doesn't actually mean much. It means you're less likely to claw your eyes out.
Sorry for the delay, but I figure everyone needed a break after Oscartoon and it got away from me.
-------
Tim Jewett 05/21/01
Mordacy Sarcasm Theatre Four Thousand; Special Editions
Episode four: RANMA RAMPAGE!
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blast the opening sequence with a buster gun)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, sometime after the beginning of time)
(The outer room is Quiet. Tim is wearing a black version of Ranma's clothes, and he is reading a Ranma 1/2 manga. Graham is wearing a Ranma 1/2 T-shirt and is playing "super dance party" on Tim's pirated copies. After about a minute, Tim holds up a sign saying)
Tim: [Can you guess who the guest commentator is today?] (flip) [Or do you need more time and/ or hints?]
Graham: Hey! I just unlocked the Jusenkyo guide as a playable character!
Tim: He's not a playable character... has my game been possessed again?
(Ranma walks out of the guestway express)
Ranma: Got your message guys.
Tim: So how was your time with Akane in my hyperbolic time chamber?
Ranma: Do we HAVETA talk about that right now?
Graham: No, but inquiring minds want to know. Hey! I just unlocked Doctor Tofu!
Tim: So, anyways, what are you gonna do about the other fiancee's now?
Ranma: Can I borrow a bazooka?
Tim: I think I have one ready for usage, yeah.
Ranma: What are we doing today?
Tim: Four Ranma 1/2 fanfics... Two by Mike Rhea, one called "Ranma kills!" and finally, one by a guy named Sheep.
Ranma: Great... Lemons?
Graham: Yeah, the first one, but it's with Ukyo
Ranma: Me, with Ukyo? HAHAHA! She's practically my sister!
Tim: The Sheep fic is just plain bizarre.
(Shallow Twelve)
Artlu: Are we all caught up yet?
Tim: Very much so, signor! Gotten your invention ready for this week?
(Graham comes over and Ranma takes his place at the video game)
Artlu: Yes, I have in fact. It's a computer virus. the Y2K1 virus. It's nothng particulalrly lethal, but it has the annoying habit of shutting your computer down at random intervals.
Tim: So it's Windows 95 all over again?
Artlu: No, it doesn't freeze your computer. It actually randomly shuts off your computer while you're in the middle of some important project.
Tim: Don't look now, Artlu, but your computer just shut itself down.
Artlu: DAMN, and I hadn't saved it either! But I know it works! All I need to do is remember all that coding. Now what was YOUR invention?
Ranma: I just unlocked someone else! Hey, Who the hell is Bun-Bun?
(SOL)
Tim: Our invention is called the "Zero Virus" after Zero from MMX.
Artlu: He's already got a virus named after him.
Graham: Yes, but our version's different. We were thouroughly disgusted by the pansy that is Megaman X in MMX four.
Tim: The voice utterly sucked ass. Almost as bad as the voice of megaman in Captain N. That's why we created the TrueZero Virus. It's programming is simple. find a pissy reploid, and make him cooler.
Graham: Like giving X a male voice, for one.
Tim: Yeah. We also have a biological version in the works. first test subject, MARK!
Artlu: Not bad... not bad at all. I'll have to try it on Melvin someday... Have a fic, on me.
Ranma: Hey! Tim, I just unlocked YOU as a playable character!
Tim: Well, that cinches it, my game's possessed.
(Klaxons wail)
All: FANFIC!
Door 7: It's the standard exterior door, with one little twist. It doesn't exist.
Door 6: It's repeated twice more. Not stopping to think what that means, you rush on.
Door 5: It's an open elevator shaft. You hop to the other side
Door 4: It's a church. You quietly make your way through, but let one rip as you exit.
Door 3: Three Busty Amazons guard the way. You hand them a Triptych about Trowa. Resisting the urge to suggest a Menage a troi, you scoot by while their attention is diverted.
Door 2: It's afraid of what's on the other side and reluctantly opens.
Door 1: A Switchblade wielding Mini-lop guards the way. You tell him about the three Babes at door three and he gets out of your path.
>The endless deluge of "Ranma and Akane admit their true romantic
>feelings for one another" fanfics is bad enough.Even more disturbing,
>it seems that whenever I look for Ranma fanfics,I always seem to run
>into at least one anti-Ukyou fanfic.
Tim: And I always run into a tentacle lemon. What's yer point?
>As a knight of the spatula girl's engagement to Ranma Saotome,
Ranma: Who knighted you?
Graham: Bet it wasn't one of the round table
Tim: I'd be willing to believe triangular table...
>not only have I run into too many of these anti-Ukyou fics
Ranma: His insurance is way up because of it
>(Sean Gaffney's "Sour Times" takes the cake,
All: COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CAKE!
>as does a certain rape fic by Jeffrey "One Shot" Wong in which I've
>not only managed to avoid reading after reading the description on
>his fanfic page without ever clicking the link to his fic,
Tim: So the message you want to give to the youth of America is judgement upon first sight?
Graham: Bigots of america! Founding member, Mike Rhea!
>but I've also managed to avoid his page.
>And I don't ever want to read that fic,in which fortunately I don't
>know the title of.),
All: (stunned)
Ranma: You not only judge the fic without reading it, but you don't even know the title?
Tim: That's kinda disturbing. People who don't even try and tough it out are what makes this world a cowardly place.
Graham: Like Mark?
Tim: ESPECIALLY Mark!
>these such fics(nearly all in which Ranma chooses Akane)ARE
>TURNING MY STOMACH.
Ranma: Because it turns my stomach to see a story the way the original writer intended it. Wait, how the hell do I know that I'm part of a Manga and Anime series?
Tim: Yer basically OOC. Relax, don't think about it. We don't.
>Thus,I've written my first lemon fanfic as an EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE
>ME!
Graham: Did you belch, throw up, or fart?
Tim: I am sorry, but that is not a valid excuse.
>Disclaimer:
Ranma: This fic bites
>None of these characters are mine,
All: THANK THE GODS!
>and no copyright infringement is intended.
Tim: But is, nontheless, occurring
>This fic is not intended to offend people
Graham: So it's an accident is what you're saying?
>who pair Ukyou with Ryouga(a pairing that would be OK if I was pairing
>Ranma with Shampoo,Nabiki,Kasumi,or Kodachi;all of whom are better
>bridal choices for Ranma than Akane).
Ranma: I'm sure HE knows ME a whole lot better than I do.
Tim: Manga volume 38, last two pages. NUFF SAID! And I say Ukyo and Konatsu myself.
Ranma: I agree.
>LEMON WARNING:
Tim: When life hands you a lemon...
Graham: Make lemonade?
Tim: No, throw it at somebody.
>Yes,there are strong sex scenes in this fic.
Ranma: They can benchpress 800 pounds!
>If you are underage and/or
Tim: Hm... This is ironic...
Graham: What?
Tim: A lemon fic that he warns for underage people not to read, yet the characters in it are underage.
Ranma: That is ironic. Kinda spooky too.
>are offended by such material,please hit the BACK button on your web
>browser
Tim: Much like Mike did with those anti-ukyo fics!
Graham: Dangit, no BACK button in the theatre!
>(you have been warned). Otherwise,read on.
>A Wet Dream Come True
Ranma: Everyone's left me and Akane alone and it's the OAV us?
Graham: Solaria and me in a tub of jello and whipped cream?
Tim: Taking a pressure washer to Oscar?
(they look at him funny)
Tim: WHAT? A pessure washer would make him explode! His cells would soak up so much water they'd just POP! And anyways, it does say WET dream!
>(A Ranma 1/2 Lemon Fanfic)
>by Mike Rhea
>*********************************************************
Graham: Is it christmas already?
Tim: That's supposed to christmas in July, not MAY.
Ranma: Either way, we ARE at ground zero...
>Ranma walked through the door
Ranma: I gotta remember to open it next time...
>of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.
Tim: Since when have doors been on the topping menu at Ukyo's?
Graham: Since Ukyo started smoking weed?
>The bathtub at the Tendou residence was broken again, but Ranma
>didn't want to go to the public baths with Happousai,
Ranma: Well, no DUH!
>as he didn't want a repeat of that one time in which the old lech
>embarrassed him and got away with it.
Ranma: When the hell would THAT be? He's never gotten away with it...
>Once he walked in,he sat at the counter where his best friend Ukyou,a
>bit discouraged by lack of customers,greeted him.
Ranma: Ukyo's is usually packed!
Tim: It's a lemon. They've left customers out so you can have sex uninterrupted.
Ranma: I see. Fat chance of the sex or the uninterruption happening, though...
>"Hungry,Ran-chan?" she inquired.
Tim: No I just randomly wanderred into a restaurant for the scenery. OF COURSE I'm hungry!
>"Do you have beef okonomiyaki,Ucchan?" he returned.
Graham: No.
Ranma: What kind of Okonamiyaki DOESN'T she have?
Tim: Cat flavor.
Ranma: No, that was on the menu just last week... I hope it's a joke...
>"It'll be just a couple of minutes,Ran-chan."
Tim: It had better be. Otherwise I might just go Toranoken and rip the theatre apart again...
>About 2 minutes later,
Tim: I see you listened...
>Ukyou placed a dish with a heart-shaped okonomiyaki in front of her fiance.
Ranma: That was cliche as hell.
>She then walked around the counter, placed another plate next to
>him,and sat down.
Graham: in the Okonamiyaki.
Tim (Ukyo): Does your seat feel... warm, Ranma?
Ranma: Strangely enough, it does!
>They engulfed their plates and were done within 4 minutes.
Tim: Note to readers: we are six minutes into the fic, I repeat SIX minutes in!
>"Ucchan,the bathtub at the Tendou Doujou is broken,and I don't want to
>deal with Happousai at the public bathhouse.
Graham: Author is writing redundantly redundant writing.
>Can I please use your bathtub?" inquired Ranma.
Ranma: And NO Ukyo, you can't join in!
>"Help yourself,Ran-chan" replied Ukyou.
Tim: I wonder what would have happened if you had needed bathing supplies...
Ranma: Huh? Oh Shampoo. Heaven help us if I asked to borrow Cologne...
>Unaware that Ukyou would finally have him right where she wants him,
Ranma: Sweden?
Graham: Denmark?
Tim: Two seats to my right?
>Ranma walked upstairs to the bathroom,undressed,and walked straight
>into the bathtub.
Ranma: My knee!
Tim: God Ranma, you are a KLUTZ in this fic!
>Meanwhile,two minutes later,
Tim: Eight minutes in!
Graham: So is it NOW, or two minutes later? Make up your mind!
>Ukyou closed the restaurant early;then walked upstairs to her room,where
>she undressed before walking into the bathroom where her fiance was
>taking a bath.
Ranma: Mike's laying it on as quietly as a malleting back home...
>While taking a bath,Ranma realized that
Tim: He was naked in his fiancee's bathroom. He then set the world land speed record- for jet cars, getting the hell out of there.
>the soap was just outside the bathtub.Unaware that Ukyou had just walked
>into the bathroom stark nude,
Tim: Naked. or in this case, Nekkid. cause Naked means you're not wearing clothes. Nekkid means you're Naked AND yer up ta somthing!
>Ranma walked out of the bathtub.At that moment,Ukyou blushed
>profusely,then took an excellent look at her fiance.
All: (Jewish accent) Oi! Again vit de walking through things!
>She remembered when Ranma was weakened by that moxibustion
Ranma: Which one?
Tim: That one.
Ranma: So who's on first?
Graham: And WHAT is writing this fic?
>and when Genma showed her revealing pictures of her fiance(In fact,on
>the second picture,she told Genma "Move your fingers!").
Tim: Ukyo is a hentai... I mean, whattaya expect?
>However,her excellent look at her nude fiance didn't go unreturned:
Graham: Since it was lost in delivery
>Ranma,too,took an an excellent at how beautiful and desirable her body
>looked.
Ranma: Yep. I'm a looker all right!
>Her breasts,normally covered in breast bindings,were very
>pleasant to look at.
Graham: And I supppose Akane's look like a sack of potatoes?
Ranma: Like white pillows... Umm... That is to say...
Tim: Calm down. We'll just say you were OOC. Say whatever you want!
>He had accidentally seen Akane and Shampoo au naturel,but it obviously
>couldn't top what he was seeing in his cute fiancee right before him.
Tim: I defer comment to the Horse's Mouth.
Ranma: Hey. Akane's the only fiancee I've "reacted" to... Hey! Whattaya mean, "Horse's Mouth?"
>Ukyou then notiiced that Ranma was steadily looking at her,too.
Graham: Steady now...
Tim and Ranma: Oi! Again vit da looking!
>*Kawaii,*thought Ranma to himself as he felt a twitch in front of
>where his legs meet.
Tim: His prostate gland?
>Suddenly,his looks began to make Ukyou feel a bit uncomfortable as her
>already profuse blush deepened.Unable to take it anymore,she grabbed
>a spare giant spatula that she kept in the bathroom and
Ranma: Why she kept one there, we'll never know...
>whacked Ranma on the head with it.
Tim: She whacks HIM for walking in on him. Ukyo, and the author, are PSYCHOTIC!
>For a brief moment,Ranma was unconscious from the blow.
Ranma: No sick comments. PERIOD.
Tim: Ehhh, blow it all ta hell then.
>Then,as Ukyou was still looking at him,Ranma suddenly
>felt very lusty.He then started walking slowly towards Ukyou.
Graham: You dirty rat... You smacked my noggin...
>**Music:"I Want Your Sex,"by George Michael**
Tim: I'll take the MUTE seeting, please...
Graham: Or more appropriately, Porno music!
Tim: Wahkicha, wahkicha, wahkicha.
>Suddenly,Ukyou started feeling a bit uneasy and pale.Then,suddenly,her
>conscience and anti-conscience appeared on each side of her head.
>The anti-conscience told her *Run for your life!He's gonna rape you*.
All: Anti-conscience... riiight.
Graham: Wouldn't the "Anti-conscience" WANT him to rape her?
Tim: And wasn't that her intent in the first place?
>On the other hand,her conscience told her
Tim: Stay good Ukyo, Please stay good!
>*Get a grip!This is your own fiance!Not only is he supposed to do
>this,you been dreaming of him doing this to you for at least a decade!*.
Ranma: Is it even possible for six year olds to have sexual thoughts?
Tim: As I best I can figure, hell no! And she wanted to kill you for ten years anyways!
Graham: Could this be a darkfic in disguise?
>Then,Ranma suddenly interrupted his fiancee's uneasiness with these
>words:
Tim: See you in hell, bitch!
Graham: Oil can, oil can!
Ranma: Ukyo, why are you standing naked over me and what have you done with Akane?
>"Ucchan,this may hurt at first;but if my stupid old man had told me in
>the first place that you were truly a girl,I wouldn't have chosen
>okonomiyaki.I'm not making that same mistake again."
Tim: (Genma) Son Ukyo is a girl, do you like her or Okonamiykai better?
Ranma: I'da still said Okonamiyaki. I didn't even know what a girl WAS when I was six! And I thought Ukyo was a guy! Pop just thought I KNEW she was a girl!
>Ukyou blushed profusely after hearing what Ranma had just said.At
>the same time,her nipples hardened
Tim: (Reading a scientific magazine) Alert me when it gets interesting...
>and her love petals began to stir in arousal
All: Put it all in Bowl, baby... Stir it with a wooden spoon...
>as Ranma finally cornered her.
>For a long time,Ranma had treated Ukyou no more than a mere old
>friend.That,suddenly would change immediately:
Ranma: He would now treat her as a sibling and give her repeateded noogies...
Tim: It also would change quickly and fastly.
>Ukyou bit her lip to stifle a cry of pain as she felt Ranma's hardness
>break her virgin barrier.
Tim: Foreplay, ever heard of it?
Ranma: Hell, even I'VE heard of foreplay, and I was raised by my dad!
>"Gomen nasai,Ucchan,"said a somewhat worried Ranma.
Graham: Somewhat worried? She's bleeding on his dick and he's SOMEWHAT worried?
>"It's OK,Ran-chan.I was hoping you'd do that.Please continue." replied
>Ukyou.
Tim: Ukyo's a masochist? She just said she WANTED to be in pain... odd...
>Ranma then continued thrusting repeatedly.
Ranma: I'm bored. Wanna play checkers?
>Though he had felt guilty about doing this to his one true friend.,he
>understood that Ukyou had been dreaming of this and that it didn't
>hurt her even a fraction of how much Genma's dirty trick did at least
>a decade earlier.
Tim: If that paragraph made a LICK of sense, I'm sure I could've made a good comment about it.
>Besides, pleasure had begun to erase the pain in Ukyou's nether regions.
All: We're off to nether nether land!
Tim: Hentai Peter Pan... Almost disturbing...
>She and Ranma began moaning in pleasure and unison.Their hips
>pulsed together in hard rhythmic understanding.
Tim: Okay, everybody! A one, a one, a one, two, three, four!
>As they pumped,their breathing became ragged,
Ranma: (reading a newspaper)
>and there was a slight squelching sound as they kept
>pumping while Ranma began to fondle Ukyou's breasts.
Tim: Squelching? And that is one heck of a bad run-on sentence.
Graham: Commas, use them!
>Ukyou then wrapped her legs around Ranma's as he lifted her into the
>air as the climax approached.
Ranma: Ho hum... I'm fucking my best friend... how boring...
Tim: Wake me when the world ends...
>Her moans only got louder as Ranma continued pumping.
Tim: Shaddap, I'm trying to sleep!
>With one final thrust from Ranma,Ukyou came.
Graham: To her senses, as the passion spice she had eaten earlier had just worn off.
>"RAN-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN,I LOVE YOU!,"
Tim: I said QUIET!
>she shouted as the ecstasy of an orgasm overcome her body,her love
>juices dribbling out of her sex.
Tim: I give up. I can't sleep with all this shouting! Oh hey! I just realized that was the lemon scene!
Ranma: Coulda fooled me...
>Just after his fiancee came,Ranma wouldn't last long himself.As soon
>as he felt her fluid touch his balls,he too climaxed.
>"UCCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN,I love you too!" he shouted
>as he squirted his load all the way inside of her.
All: (PLaying a three way Quake deathmatch) Whoops! We have a fic to MST!
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..."
Tim: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>they both said as Ukyou felt Ranma's fluid spray inside of her,
Tim: Clinically stark lemon. You too can write just like Mike!
Graham: Then I DON'T wanna be like Mike.
>as about the same time the sound of an alarm clock awakened Ukyou
>from her dream.
Ranma: So this entire fic was nothing more than one of Ukyo's dreams?
>*********************************************************
>Ukyou awakened from the dream
Tim: You just told us that, remember?
>to find something warm on top of her.
Graham: P-chan what are you doing here?
Ranma: Oh, he's dirty, Ukyo had better give him a nice WARM bath...
>That something was her own husband,Ranma Saotome.
Ranma: News to me.
>Both were stark naked and "joined" at the pelvis.
Tim: Krazy glue and sex, BAD combination.
>It was their first wedding anniversary,and it has also been that long
>since they abandoned Nerima for their current home in western Kyoto.
Ranma: Heehee...
Graham: Huh?
Ranma: Ukyo's last name, translated to english means "to the east of the capitol", meaning the old capitol Kyoto, where she's from.
Tim: I think that's an unintentional funny, since this looks like a fuzzy fic. No humor involved.
Graham: IE, the exact opposite of your fics, where EVERYTHING has humor involved.
Tim: By the way 1 year, ten minutes in.
>"So it wasn't a dream after all,Ran-chan,"said Ukyou.
Ranma: Huh? Wha? AAACK! What the hell am I doing in bed with Ukyo? AAAAGH!
>"Of course it wasn't,Ucchan.
Tim: It was a nightmare.
>When I told you in the bath that a truly loved you more than
>okonomiyaki,it was no lie.
Ranma: In the same sense that Pop never lied to me...
>You are the only true friend that I've ever had.You've never made me
>feel uncomfortable.
Tim: I would disprove you, Manga Volume, chapter, and page, but I don't have 'em with me right now.
>Akane always made me feel uneasy.That fateful day in the bathroom
Graham: It was the GOOD kind of uneasy though.
Tim: The "God damn I like her but how the hell do I tell her" kind.
Ranma: WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT? Even if IS true!
>was truly a wake up call.You are truly kawaii from the inside out,no
>matter what you wear." replied Ranma.
Tim: I give you the randonimity award! That sentence was UTTERLY Random!
>**Music:"Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company**
Graham: (singing) Feel like throwing up!
Tim: Thanks for the parody idea...
>Realizing that today was the slowest day of the week business-wise,
>Ukyou told her husband "Ran-chan,my legs are weak.Why don't we
>not worry about the restaurant today and spend our anniversary in the
>bedroom making passionate love to each other instead?"
Ranma: Damn. Not even Shampoo was ever THAT blunt.
Tim: Wouldn't that just make her legs even weaker?
>"Anything for you,Ucchan my love,"replied Ranma.
>Together,Ranma and Ukyou got down to business..with each other.
Tim: As opposed to the day before where Ranma went off with his TRUE true love, Akane, and Ukyo had a fling in the back room with Kontasu.
>Since that fateful nude encounter,
Tim: Volume one, chapter one?
>cooking okonomiyaki hasn't been Ukyou Saotome's lone livelyhood.The
>other livelyhood is that she's been living a decade long dream,on that
>has become...a wet dream come true.
Graham: Oh, gag me with a forklift!
Tim: That's the WORST title insertion I've ever seen!
>Overhearing yet another romantic moment between his daughter and
>son-in-law,Mr.Kuonji,who reunited with his daughter as soon as
>Ranma finally chose her as his bride,thought to himself *Ranma
>Saotome,you have made me and my daughter proud of you once again.*
Tim: Isn't he DEAD?
Ranma: He's listening in on his daughter and her husband having sex? What kind of father is he?
Graham: One like yours?
Tim: And speaking of Genma...
>*********************************************************
>Meanwhile,at Tokyo's Ueno Zoo;
>Ataru Moroboshi,Lum,and Ten were at the panda exhibit.
Graham: Oh, goody, pointless crossover time!
>There they noticed a panda from the Bayankala mountain
>range in China's Qinghai province.It often held up wooden signs.
Ranma: Hey... pop WAS working for a zoo after all!
>"Lum,do pandas normally hold up wooden signs?" inquired Ten.
>"No,Ten.However it may be a rare species of panda,"said Lum."Darling,
>do you know of any species of panda that hold up wooden signs on a
>regular basis?" she asked Ataru.
Tim: That would be the signus holdemupus variety...
>"No,but I must admit that this particular panda does seem kinda
>amusing,even if he does look kinda depressed,"replied Ataru.
>The sign that the panda was holding up read this:
Graham: HELP!
Tim: Boil me some water, Quick!
Ranma: Will sell son for food!
>"Has anybody seen my son?"
Ranma: No. I certainly haven't seen him lately...
>THE END
>*********************************************************
>The hentai fanfic you've just read
All: THAT WAS HENTAI?
>is my non-violent alternative to going postal and blowing the heads off
>of known authors of anti-Ukyou fanfics
Tim: Somehow, I think I prefer your original plan...
>(fics in which she either is paired with Konatsu,commits suicide,has
>something terrible happen to her,or is lonely and depressed because she
>doesn't have either Ranma or Ryouga to have and to hold).
Graham: Okay... This guy is obsessed with Ukyo, JUST Ukyo.
Tim: At least I'm obsessed with the totality of Rumiko's works. That, AND I try and write my story ending like she would've wanted.
>SO TAKE THAT,SEAN "SOUR TIMES" GAFFNEY AND JEFF
>WONG!
Ranma: Empty threats... the language of the internet...
>Special thanks to the Philip Mak,Yoru-Hikage,and Nall(whose various
>lemon fics that pair Ranma with Ukyou inspired my first lemon);as well
>as Ryan Anderson,the author of the non-lemon "Parody of a Moment,"
>which not only was written in response to the endless deluge of "Ranma
>and Akane admit their true romantic feelings for one another" fics on
>the Internet,but also helped inspire my first ever lemon fic,which
>I've not only written in response to the endless deluge
Tim: Did we just start over, or something?
>of "Ranma gets Akane" fics,but specifically the anti-Ukyou fics I've
>described at least twice.
Tim: In this last paragraph, at least... This author sure is repetitititititive.
>BTW,that Jeff Wong rape fic ain't the only Ranma fic I've
>refused to read after reading the description on a listing page(reading
>the description,in fact,was all I needed to prejudge it.:P)
Tim: I can't tell you how thrilled it makes me to see people refusing fics outright just because of the basic subject matter. An OSCARFIC, I can understand. Once you've read one of his works, feel free to avoid the rest. But at least read one. You'll fell better about yourself for it.
Graham: After the Nausea passes, anyways.
>:Did you know that I haven't had(and won't ever have) the guts to read
>a single chapter of "Daigakusei no Ranma/Daigakusei no Ukyou"(the
>so-called continuation fanfic series)?
Ranma: So this Author is basically calling himself a coward?
>What other fanfics do I have up my sleeve?
Graham: Why don't we rip your arms off and find out?
>You never know.Remember,I'm the same fanfic author who's
Tim: Just bored you to death with an unemotional lemon scene with the most vivid descriptions being that of juices.
>written at least 2 fanfics that pair up Tsubasa and Konatsu as a
>couple(which,IMHO,is the only right way to either character in a
>Ranma fanfic).
All: (Blink)
Ranma: Neither of them are gay, though... Tsubasa dressed up for girls, and Konatsu, even though he was raised as a girl, was still HOT on girls!
>Before you even think about flaming me,this is all I have to say:
Tim: Frag that. Grab the flamethrowers!
>If you've read this far,why are you complaining?
All: BECAUSE WE'VE READ THIS FAR!
Tim: Unlike some people, we actually stick WITH a story, to the end, in the hopes that it might have some sort of redeeming value, but this story has none. it has no plot, a crappy premise, and horrible diolague!
Ranma: Doesn't even sound like me, anyways...
>Other than the anti-flame warning,C&C are welcome.
Graham: Note: A "Flame" consists of any sort of bad review you might possibly ever give my fic!
>You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics (by myself and other
>authors) on my page(the champagne of Ranma romance sites),
Tim: So it's french?
>devoted to the true eternal couple of Ranma 1/2.
Ranma: Me and Akane.
Tim: Nodoka and Genma.
Graham: And Kasumi and Tofu!
Tim: Don't forget Nabiki and money, now!
>Mike Rhea
>Webmaster of The Ranma and Ukyou Pages!
>http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/
>"Akane,when you get so heavy?"-Shampoo,"Team Ranma vs. the
>Legendary Phoenix"
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Ranma: Words the author of that fic REALLY should think about...
Tim: Whoa, Deja view!
MST4K: Special Edition Four A: Ranma Rampage (Long)(P1/3)
Moderator: LadyTevar
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Ryushikaze
- Jedi Master
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- Location: Chapel Hill, NC
MST4K: Special Edition Four A: Ranma Rampage (Long)(P1/3)
Last edited by Ryushikaze on 2007-04-05 12:01pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Ryushikaze
- Jedi Master
- Posts: 1072
- Joined: 2006-01-15 02:15am
- Location: Chapel Hill, NC
>From: michaelrhea@hotmail.com
Tim: And now for something completely identical to the last fic.
>DISCLAIMER:
Ranma: I wrote this. if you don't like this, BUG OFF!
>None of these characters are mine,and no copyright infringement is intended.
Tim: But, Character defacement happened anyways...
>Summer may finally be over in California,but
Graham: Who gives a load? There are other places in the world than california!
>it hasn't stopped me from cranking out this yet another romantic piece
All: (Laugh uproariously)
Ranma: Go on, tell us another one!
>featuring the Angel and Buffy of Japanese anime.
Tim: Kagome and Inu-Yasha?
>^_^
Ranma: He won't be smiling for long...
>This ISN'T a lemon.
Graham: And your last one WAS?
>Okonomiyaki Summer
Tim: As opposed to the Summer of Sakura
>(A Ranma 1/2 fanfic),by Mike Rhea
>*********************************************************
>It was early July.A typical summer day in Japan's Kansai region.The
>region was under a heat spell.School was out for the summer,
Tim: And the spaces after periods had taken a much needed vacation.
>and just about everyone was hitting the beaches.
All: DIE BEACH, DIE!
>Ranma and Ukyou Saotome were no exception.
Ranma: Die you Beach! Die!
>Though it was their first summer together since not only marrying but
>also moving out of Tokyo,they knew that okonomiyaki would be a hot
>beachside business;
Graham: I beleive we already know that, thank you very little...
>which is why for the summer,they moved their okonomiyaki business
>out of its normal location in western Kyoto and to the beaches
>of Shirasaki on the Ise peninsula,where they've built a summer cottage
>on the beach.
Graham: Whoa, Okonomiyaki's profitable. A beachside COTTAGE, no less!
>It was already heating up outside when they emerged from their cottage
>at about ten in the morning to set up their yatai for the day.
Ranma: one minute into reading this and I'm already bored...
>They were dressed in a slimmed down summer version of their okonomiyaki
>sellers' clothing:
Graham: Basically, shorts and a tank top.
>Ranma was wearing a sleeveless okonomiyaki sellers' shirt and some shorts;
Ranma: Are they Okonomiyaki sellers' shorts?
>and Ukyou in a sleeveless okonomiyaki sellers' shirt
Graham: Yup, shorts and a tank top.
>over a swimsuit(sans breast bindings,of course).
Tim: Thank you for keeping us abreast of that situation...
>In fact,it was exactly the same as what she wore previously at the Miss
>Beachside contest.
Ranma: and she hasn't washed it since!
>As soon as they opened up for the day,business picked up very quickly.
Tim: Hey you! Put down our buisiness and get back here!
>Among their first customers of the day,in fact were none other
>than the Godai family:Yusaku,Kyooko,and their daughter Haruka.
Tim: I'm going a little Kyooko myself reading this...
>"Good day,Mr. and Mrs.Saotome,"greeted Kyooko.
Graham: Who did? Who greeted her?
Tim: Hey, another Rumiko relation he broke up! Yusaku and Kyoko hook up! Who's this Kyooko woman?
>"Good day,Godai-san,"replied Ukyou.
>"How have things been for you and your husband?"
Ranma: Was that Ukyo or Kyooko?
>"Excellent.In fact,not only is he enjoying being a nursery school teacher;
Tim: He's teaching by example, especially at nap time!
>we're thinking about having another child.By the way,have
>either of you met our young daughter,Haruka?"
>"No,we haven't.Is that Godai holding her?"
Graham: No, its a random drunk man I pulled off the street to carry my child. OF COURSE ITS GODAI!
>"Yes,though she's still not old enough to talk yet.Can you please make
>it a couple of seafood combos?"
Tim: They're cooking their only child! Honey, we ate the kid! Coming to a bad fanfic near you!
>"Sure,"said Ukyou as she began preparing 3 okonomiyaki,one of them
>heart-shaped(to be consumed by Ranma) in which she wrote "Love,Ucchan"
>in sauce.
All: Aww... How cliche...
Ranma: Just cuz she did it ONCE doesn't mean she does it ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!
>As the okonomiyaki were cooking...
Tim: The audience got ridiulously bored...
>"How's it been,Saotome-kun?,"inquired Godai.
>"Very well,Godai-kun,"replied Ranma."
>Did you find our summer location O.K.?"
Graham: No, we still haven't arrived here, We're all in your mind... there IS no okonomiyaki cart here...
>"Well,we found it faster than the first time we were looking for your
>Kyoto location;
Ranma: Okay, when the hell am I supposed to have met this Yusaku Guy?
Tim: Author oversight.
>since not only was there a map on the door,but also
>because we didn't get our directions from that directionally
>challenged lad named Ryouga Hibiki.
>BTW,has he ever found his way home yet?"
Graham: Does the piglet on the cart tell you anything?
>"Actually,you may be surprised:Since marrying both Akari Unryuu and
>Akane Tendou,
Ranma: HAHA! Not only is Akane not interested in Ryouga at all, but the IDEA that she'd be willing to share a guy with another gal is ludicrous!
Tim: Unless the other gal is you, of course.
Ranma: Let's not go there...
>the latter whom I was once engaged to,
Ranma: And actually still am...
Tim: You ain't married YET?
Ranma: We're torturing our parents, what can we say?
>he rarely gets lost anymore.
Graham: Since they've chained him to the wall.
>In addition,he doesn't get nosebleeds anymore when he sees
>them both in the raw,even when he sees them playing with each other."
Ranma: I'm sorry, but this is just too much... Ryouga, polygamy? No nosebleed? Akane having sex with a girl other than my curse form. It's too much!
Tim: I think you just said a LITTLE too much there Ranma, but you ARE OOC (WINK, WINK) So don't worry about it!
>As Ranma and Godai continued talking,the okonomiyaki were done.
Graham: Burnt okonomiyaki, Yum.
>"Godai darling,they're done,"said Kyooko.
>"See ya later,Saotome-kun,"said Godai as he paid and thanked Ranma.
>"Have a nice day,Godai,"replied Ranma.
>"See ya,Godai-san,"said Ukyou.
>"Arigatou,Saotome-san,"replied Kyooko
Tim: Goodnight everybody!
Graham: And soon to be goodbye fanfic...
>as she,(Yusaku)Godai,
Tim: Godai got a sex change? Say it ain't so!
>and Haruka laid down on a beach towel and began consuming their
>okonomiyaki.About an hour(and many customers)later,
>another familiar face showed up at the Saotome okonomiyaki yatai:
Ranma: The REAL Ranma Saotome?
Tim: Rumiko Takahashi?
Graham: If it's Tenchi, I'm leaving.
>Tenchi Masaki.
Graham: Check please!
Tim: You don't have enough money to pay. You must pay off your debt my MST'ing the rest of this fic!
Graham: DAMN!
>"Good day,Saotome-kun,"said Tenchi.
>"Good day,Masaki-kun,"replied Ranma.
Tim: "Bite me!" commanded Tim.
>"How would you like your okonomiyaki today?"
>"Make it 3 seafood combos,please."
>"Sure.Ryouko and Ayeka fighting again?,"inquired Ranma
Ranma: Ooh, big words!
>as he began preparing 4 seafood okonomiyaki,including a heart-shaped
>one(to be consumed by Ukyou)in which he wrote "I love you,Ucchan" in
>sauce.
All: Aww... How cliche!
>"As usual,"replied Tenchi."How's married life for you and Ukyou?"
Tim: Huh? I'm married? When did THAT happen?
>"It's a far cry from that so called 'engagement' to Akane Tendou.
Ranma: Yeah, back then I had decent lines, could get into fights whenever I wanted, was learning new martial arts tricks every other week, and was engaged to a gal I actually liked in a sexual fashion.
Tim: "So called engagment" is right, though. You were practically MARRIED the way you two fought...
>It turned out that the uncute tomboy had been playing dumb about the
>Ryouga/P-chan matter all along.
All: Bullshit!
Tim: Are we to believe, that Akane, who smashes ANYONE for doing ANYTHING perverted, wouldn't mind allowing a pig who she knew was actually a human to share her bed?
Graham: We just ain't buying it!
Tim: There is a level beyond which all becomes non believable. You have just crossed this line. You have just crossed into a dimension of repeated lines and cliches, but also of poorly written lemon scenes You are now entering...
Ranma: The Rhea Zone...
All: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...
>If only my old man had told me in the first place that Ukyou was a girl
>so I could have chosen her over okonomiyaki on the spot
Ranma: Hey, wasn't that line in the last fic too? And I was SIX! I had no clue what the hell the difference between a boy and a girl WAS back then!
>(instead of my stupid old man pulling another of his food stunts),
>not only would she not have been abandoned in the first place,but also
>neither me or my lovely wife wouldn't have gone through the troubles
>we went through
Tim: That sounds nothing like Ranma!
Ranma: Umm... I'm right here you know. Even though that DID sound nothing like me.
>just because my dad had a stomach for a brain.
Graham: No offense Ranma, but you are not one to talk...
>Besides,my wife is much cuter than that uncute tomboy that
>I was once engaged to.
Tim: I'm getting more and more convinced each line...
Graham: What about?
Tim: A psycho profile on the author. I'll tell you when I get more proof.
>"Ranma then took a break from the conversation
Ranma: Damn! Small talk just takes it outta ya!
>as he and Ukyou kissed briefly,but passionately.At that moment,Ryouko
>and Ayeka found Tenchi.
All: (putting on crash helmets)
>"Where have you been,darling Tenchi?,"inquired Ryouko.
>"While you and Ayeka were fighting again,I decided to get something to
>eat,"replied Tenchi."Besides,if you're hungry,I got some okonomiyaki."
Tim: But, since you've been fighting you don't get any. Sasami, Ryo-Ohki, eat up!
>"Lord Tenchi,she started it!,"interrupted Ayeka.
Graham: RIIIGHT. I'm sure she did...
>Eventually,the okonomiyaki were done before Ryouko's and Ayeka's
>exchange of insults could escalate even further.
Tim: DAMN!
Ranma: What now?
Tim: A fight scene would've at least made this fic SOMEWHAT interesting!
>"See ya later,Masaki-kun,"said Ranma.
>"Have a nice day,Saotome-kun,"replied Tenchi
>as he,Ryouko,and Ayeka began consuming their okonomiyaki.
>One moment later,Ukyou noticed another familiar acquaintance within a
>distance:
Graham: Yuka and Mana?
>Ryuunosuke Fujinami.
Tim: Great! It's Rumiko crossover summer!
Graham: Tenchi isn't Rumiko, though.
Tim: He's close enough. He IS the basic Rumiko male. Utterly clueless about girls and with the world's most bizarre luck.
Ranma: I'd take insult to that, but it's true.
>"Ran-chan,Ryuu-chan could be coming here in any moment,"said Ukyou.
>"No problem,my darling Ucchan,"replied Ranma
Ranma: I'll prep the tiger trap and you be ready to hogtie her!
>as he wasted little time preparing an extra okonomiyaki for the cross-dresser
>from Tomobiki
Graham: Ugh... Where is this fic going?
Tim: Wherever it's going, it got directions from Ryouga...
>which he and Ukyou have known since she attended their wedding.
Ranma: Lemme get this straight. I've been friends with somebody since they just randomly showed up at my wedding for no reason?
Tim: Too unbelievable, even for Rumiko.
All: The Rhea zone! Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...
>A couple of moments later,the normally tomboyish Ryuunosuke,who was
>wearing a swimsuit sans breast bindings
Graham: Why does he need to mention breast bindings so often?
>(since her sexist father has been lost for several months,thanks to Ryouga;
Ranma: But Ryouga has a sense of direction now, according to the author...
Tim: And how the hell's he gonna get directions from RYOUGA anyways?
>and was now stranded in the middle of the K Street pedestrian mall in
>downtown Sacramento, Calfornia,U.S.A.),
Graham: Which is the writer's home town?
>arrived at the Saotome okonomiyaki cart as the extra
>okonomiyaki that Ranma was cooking for this occasion had finished.
Tim: Must fight sleepiness. Must stay awake... Must drink several cases of Jolt Cola...
>"Kon-nichiwa,Saotome-san,"said Ryuunosuke.
>"Kon-nichiwa,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou.
Ranma: Hello America!
Tim: And welcome to the surefire cure for insomnia, a Rheafic...
>"You just caught us as we were about to close up for lunch.Luckily,
>Ran-chan and I saved you an extra okonomiyaki since we knew you
>were coming."
Ranma: Ukyo OPENS during lunch! She eats on the job to get more customers and more money!
Tim: You know, Ukyo and Nabiki have that in common, They're both after money. Be it by Okonomiykai, or by swindling people out of cash, They're both greedy little buggers!
>"Arigatou,Saotome-san,"thanked Ryuunosuke as she handed Ukyou some
>money.
>"You're welcome,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou as she handed Ryuunosuke her
>okonomiyaki."Care to join us?"
>"Sure,"replied Ryuunosuke as she,Ranma,and Ukyou laid down on a large
>beach towel
Graham: Would it be tacky to make a "got laid" joke here?
Ranma and Tim: YES.
>in which the latter two had set up next to their yatai after closing it up
>(and taking off their shirts so that Ranma was only wearing shorts and
>Ukyou a swimsuit).
Tim: Unless something COMES of them taking those clothes off, I don't wanna hear about it! It's pointless crap otherwise!
>Once settled,the three wasted little time eating up their okonomiyaki.
All: (sounds of eating. IE: smacking, sluring, burping, various farm animals (don't ask) and some other disgusting noises)
>A few moments later,after they finished eating up their okonomiyaki...
>"How's married life,Saotome-san?,"inquired Ryuunosuke.
>"Wonderful,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou."I had been dreaming about this
>for eternally,literally.
Tim: Eternity. And invalid statement. She's only, say, nineteen at the most, and hormonal urges don't kick in until age ten to twelve. AND SHE WANTED TO KILL HIM FOR TEN YEARS!
Ranma: She said basically the same thing the last fic, too...
>Besides,I haven't seen dress like this before.
Tim: Is that sentence even anywhere NEAR grammatically sound?
>What does your father think of you wearing feminine clothing for a
>change?"
>"Well,it doesn't look like he'll ever find out,since he's been missing
>for months.
Tim: And again the author repeats himself!
Tim: And again the author repeats himself!
Tim: Hey! Stop trying to steal my lines!
Tim: YOUR lines? My lines! (they fight for a few moments)
Ranma: I gotta learn how the hell to do that...
>Actually,it's quite a relief that he hasn't been around to make me hide my
>true gender from the world."
Graham: That sounded somehow wrong.
>She then asked Ranma "Saotome-kun,do you miss Nerima?"
Ranma: YES!
>"Not really,"replied Ranma."In fact,if only my old man told me about
>Ukyou's true gender in the first place,I wouldn't have chosen
>okonomiyaki in the first place.
Ranma: I'm responding like a robot! I-am-the-ranmaton-2000. Please-ask-me-how-much-I-like-Ukyo-and-hate-Akane.
>In fact my mom finally got pops to apologize to Ucchan and her dad
>for stealing the cart and leaving my eventual future wife behind.
All: (playing gameboys) Call us when we get to some NEW lines!
>"He then turned to his wife and said "Ucchan,don't you wish that
>summer was year-round instead of just 3 months a year?"
Tim: No. I wish to be in a fanfic with decent lines, a plot, and a Ranma with some personality!
Some Random Genie: Your wish is granted. (Ukyo appears to Tim's left in the theatre)
Ukyo: How the hell did I get here? (A trap door opens underneath her and she falls out of the theatre)
>"Why is that,Ran-chan?,"replied Ukyou.
>"You are the only woman in the world that is kawaii regardless of what
>you wear,
Ranma: Okay, I KNOW he wrote those EXACT lines the last fic!
Tim: She didn't look too kawaii when she pretending to be a guy, now did she? Or is the author secretly Yaoi?...
>especially when you're wearing a swimsuit."
Ranma: Not nearly as much so when you're plastered with mud.
>Ukyou blushed profusely,
Tim: And smacked Ranma over the head with her spatula.
>then replied "Oh,Ran-chan" as she and her husband Ranma kissed very
>passionately and deeply.
Graham: But did they do it briefly?
>Suddenly,their passionate kiss was interrupted by
>a tidal wave that splashed them and Ryuunosuke,
Ranma: I'm willing to change in order to make this fic interesting...
>leaving all 3 very wet.
Graham: This fic is leaving me as cold a fish. I'm gonna make a fire! At least I'll get SOME feeling from the FIRE! (Graham makes the fire)
Tim: Wait! You'll set off the-
(water pours down, transforming everyone into their curse forms)
Tim: Sprinklers.
Ranma: Well, I've changed. Is the fic interesting yet?
>Suddenly,Ryuunosuke noticed that Ranma didn't change into a girl like
>he always did whenever splashed with cool or cold water.
Tim: Nope.
>"Saotome-kun,why didn't you change into a girl when that wave hit
>you?,"inquired Ryuunosuke.
>"Let's just say a stashed away and saved an extra bottle of
>Nanniichuan water for emergencies
Ranma: Which I don't have or would have USED by now...
>such as my failed wedding to that uncute tomboy Akane Tendou
Tim: WAIT A MINUTE! He recognizes the end of the Manga, yet refuses to admit the last two pages? He IS deliberately going against Rumiko Takahashi's storyline!
>in which that dirty old Happousai drank up all that Nanniichuan water,"
>replied Ranma.
Graham: this has been Recap theatre with your host, Ranma Saotome
Tim: (Riff from Sluggy Freelance) That sounded suspiciously like a recap...
>"Thankfully,he didn't know about the extra bottle I had saved."
Ranma: TENDO HAD IT, NOT ME!
>"Oh,Ran-chan,"said Ukyou."You shouldn't have!"
Graham: Hey! Ukyo wants your girl side too!
Ranma: Are ALL my fiancee's Bi-curious?
Tim: No, Shampoo's more than CURIOUS.
>"Now I can be a real man for you,darling Ucchan,"replied Ranma
All: Aww... How cliche!
>as he and Ukyou again kissed very passionately,but briefly
Graham: But was it deeply?
>before they went back to the yatai(where Ranma put his shirt back on
>and Ukyou put on the apron that she often wears when operating on the
>beach)and reopened it.
>"Saotome-san,can I help out for the rest of the day?,"inquired
>Ryuunosuke."Nodoka-san figured that you could use some help."
Tim: This is like watching a movie from half of the way through...
Graham: You mean it doesn't make any sense, is pretty lame, and ruins the experience for you?
>"Why not,"replied Ukyou as she handed Ryuunosuke an extra apron which
>she put on right away.
Tim: Quite VERY MUCH so ruins the experience, Graham.
>**********************************************************
>For the rest of the operating day,
Ranma: That being ten minutes.
>Ryuunosuke served the customers whenever Ranma and Ukyou took
>small breaks to passionately kiss each other.
Graham: So it WAS briefly, right?
Tim: I think you should give that a rest shortly...
>Eventually,hours later,
Ranma: Sure it wasn't Meanwhile, hours later?
>it was sunset;which for Ranma and Ukyou
>also meant closing time.
Tim: (Singing) Closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer...
Graham: I feel almost as sleepy as if it WERE 2 AM... On second thought, no... I'm more energetic at 2 AM than THIS!
>As they packed up the yatai,they thanked Ryuunosuke for her help and
>handed her about a fourth of the day's profits.
Graham: Two Lousy BUCKS?
Ranma: Well, we DID only sell seven Okonomiyaki...
>Ukyou then took off her apron as she and Ranma took their yatai
>back to their cottage where Ranma's mom,Nodoka,greeted them while
>sitting next to a snoring panda.
Ranma: If that ain't pop, I'm gonna scream...
Tim: Hey, the author's messed up every other relationship he can think of, Why not your parents'?
>"How was it,Ranma?,"inquired Nodoka.
Graham: Passionate and Deep, but Brief.
>"As usual,business was great,"replied Ranma."Before Ryuu-chan arrived,
>the Godai family came by;and a bit later,Tenchi and company came by."
Tim: This IS recap theatre!
>"Anyway,you got a postcard from Ryouga."
Tim: He dropped it off while looking for a mailbox to put it in!
>Ranma kissed him mom
Tim: I can't see that happening.
Ranma: I'm too shocked at my OOC'ness to comment...
>and then found the postcard on the coffee table.
Ranma: Greetings from Alpha Centauri, wish you were here.
>"How are Ryouga-kun and his 2 wives doing,Ran-chan?,"inquired Ukyou.
Graham: Well, they just had a deathmatch... Ryouga lost.
>"Very fine,"replied Ranma.
>"He just wanted to tell us that both Akane and Akari are pregnant with the
>trio's first children.
Tim: Is polygamy even legal in Japan?
Ranma: I'm pretty damn sure it isn't.
>In addition, Tsubasa and Konatsu are in the U.S. to make an appearance
>on some daytime talk show."
Graham: Jilted men who cross dress for women, today on springer!
>"I'd figure that those 2 drag queens would find true romance with each other.
Tim: They aren't drag queens. The both of them actually look femenine, while a drag queen obviously isn't. Well, most of the time.
Ranma: And how the hell do you know that?
Tim: There is so much knowledge in the world, and knowledge is power, and I happen to get along very well with power...
>Besides,I'm sweating,Ranchan.The two of us could use a hot bath."
Graham: If this is headed where I think its headed.
Tim: We'll still be bored out of our skulls...
>"Why not,darling?,"replied Ranma
Ranma: Because I'm acting OOC, like a robot, there's been no real plot so far, the lines have been pathetic, the author refuses to recognize my choice of fiancee, and a few other things I can't quite think of right now!
>as he and Ukyou accompanied each other to their bedroom.
>Once settled,Ukyou took off Ranma's shirt.
>He,in return,helped his wife slide her bathing suit from her shoulders;and
>she pulled it down to her ankles,stepped out of it,and tossed it aside.
>Ranma then held her close and tried to kiss her when Ukyou said "Let's
>skip the teasing,Ran-chan you naughty boy,"
Tim: Foreplay is nonexistant in a rheafic... Hell, PLOT is nonexistant in a Rheafic!
>while tracing her hands down to Ranma's waist and helped him slip out
>of his shorts.
All: I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING?
>"Anything for you,honey,"replied Ranma as he stepped out of his shorts,
>tossed them aside,and undid the ribbon in his wife's hair as they
>accompanied each other to the bathroom,
Tim: Hold it. I just noticed something. Ranma, the life-long martial artist, selling Okonomiyaki and not doing ANY martial arts? That's less beleivable than Moonlight's gift!
>holding hands and admiring each other's nude bodies on the way.
Ranma: Um... OOC fanfic Ranma? What the hell are you doing pretending to be ME?
>Upon arrival in the bathroom,they stepped into the bath and sat in it
>together so that their bodies below their shoulders were completely under
>water.
>As they soaked in the hot water...
Tim: Ranma turned into a female, not having realized his curse had only been reversed, not cured.
Graham: Godzilla came up for a stretch and squashed their house flat. The end.
>"Ran-chan...,"said Ukyou.
>"Yes,Ucchan?,"replied Ranma.
>"You may now be 100% male and I may be a tomboy,but you make me feel
>like a natural woman."
Tim: I call NO "Natural woman" and that sentence made no sense. It was, thankfully Grammatically sound, but it made NO sense whatso-friggin-ever!
>Ranma blushed profusely,then replied "Arigatou,Ucchan" as he and his
>wife engaged in a very passionate kiss.
Graham: It was deep but brief, as well.
>**Music:"Lum's Love Song,"from the anime series Urusei Yatsura**
Tim: I would've suggested the ballad of Ranma and Akane myself, but...
>*********************************************************
>Meanwhile,at the corner of Seventh at K streets in downtown
>Sacramento...
Graham: That's another thing. If Ryuunosuke's pop has been missing for months, how did she know where the hell he was?
>"Do you know where Tomobiki-cho is?,"Mr.Fujinami asked a Japanese
>tourist who was waiting for a local bus.
Ranma: He was wearing a yellow bandanna and using an old style japanese umbrella to ward off the sun.
>"Never heard of it,"the tourist replied."You've probably been watching
>and/or reading too much Urusei Yatsura.Try the comic store across the
>street.
Tim: The funny thing is, Tomoboki actually exists.
>If you live in Tomobiki-cho,the nearest Japanese consulate
>is in San Francisco.There's a bus station a block down from here."
Max: (poking head in theatre) Fic's almost over. You can pretty much leave now.
>"Arigatou,"replied Mr.Fujinami as he walked to the Greyhound station.
All: (Singing) Domo Arigato Mister Roboto... Oh thank you very much, Oh mister Roboto, for helping us escape just when we needed you...
Max: Yer welcome
>THE END
Tim: And not a moment too soon!
Graham: About three too late, really...
>*******************************************************************
>AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Tim: Everyone up for a good laugh?
>As you may know,this latest fanfic of mine was at least
>partially inspired by an episode very late in the Nettouhen series
>that features a swimsuit contest(Miss Beachside)between Ranma's 4
>fiancees.
Graham: Dopey, Happy, Sneezy and Doc?
Ranma: That's nowhere near funny Graham.
Tim: Now that the fic is OVER he tells us all that we need to know.
>Of course,Ukyou is the only Ranma 1/2 lady who is kawaii in
>either boy's or girl's clothing.
Ranma: Akane looked pretty durn cute when she was wearing my shirt that time I was getting the soap back from Ryouga.
Tim: Not to mention, Shampoo, Nabiki, Kodachi ain't half bad, and Kasumi!
Tim and Graham: KASUMI! NABIKI! AKANE!
All: AKANE! AKANE! AKANE!
Graham: Glad I got that out of my system...
>But I must admit,when she's wearing a bathing suit,even if she was
>in a group picture where everyone was in beach attire(there are a fair
>number of such pictures in just aboute very other Ranma 1/2 fan page),
Tim: So what's your preference?
Graham: VERY other.
>the only one that comes even close to Ukyou's good looks is Shampoo.
Tim: Have you never seen the OAV man? Akane gets a D cup! She looks excellent in a yellow nighty! As Ranma here can thouroughly attest to!
Ranma: I decline comment...
>Even if both Akane was wearing a bathing suit and Ukyou her boy's school
>uniform(as is the case in another not-yet-available-in-English episode
>in which the principal tries to teach Akane to swim),Akane STILL hasn't
>a fraction of Ukyou's good looks
All: Yeah, she does.
>(no offense intended to Akanites).
All: (Blink)
Tim: You insult her thouroghly thoughout the fic, and you expect us to believe "NO OFFENSE?" And I assume you mean By "Akanite" somebody who has a thing for Akane? I don't, I have a thing for Ranma-chan (Ranma glares at him) Hey! Can I help it if I got a thing fer redheads? Anyways, As I was saying, I'm not an Akane freak, but I was STILL offended thouroghly by the fic! I mean for god's sake man! Rumiko SPELLED IT OUT FOR US that Ranma and Akane would tie the knot someday! You are not one to say otherwise!
>Of course,looks aren't the principal reason for my choice of Ranma fiancee:
Graham: YES THEY ARE!
Tim: What OTHER reasons have you given us? Just that She's Kawaii
All: "No matter what she's wearing!"
>IMHO,her only 2 compatible choices for romance are Ranma and
>Ryouga.
Graham: At the same time?
>Pairing her with another guy(particularly Konatsu)is an even far
>bigger no-no than Kunou/Kodachi(which is a big no-no itself because
>it's an incest pairing).
Tim: Family stone had plot. Does YOURS?
Graham: And didn't Rumiko basically have it that She and Konatsu were hoooking up?
Ranma: Well, what about with another girl?
Tim: Like he said, Ukyo and Konatsu.
Ranma: Ouch. Slam.
>Besides,I just can't imagine her without her beloved "Ran-chan."
All: I CAN!
>As you may know,I live in the Sacramento,California region.
>Originally,I intended to have Ryuunosuke's father lost in the Amazon
>rain forest.However,when I was almost done writing this fic,my sister
>and a friend of hers went to go see "Princess Mononoke,"but not before
>getting lost in the middle of downtown Sacramento(several miles from
>the theater showing that movie,in fact)on the way.
Ranma: So you made up a really crappy epilogue based on something totally unrelated to the fic?
>No,I wasn't making fun of Urusei Yatsura in the last part of the fic.I was
>just making fun of Ryuunosuke's father which reminds me of Genma.
Tim: So you insulting people reminds you of Genma... and given your record of LOVING THE CRAP OUTTA GENMA, that says something.
>Excluding flames,C&C are welcome.
Tim: What's a flame? a defamatory remark about your piece?
>You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics(by myself and other authors)
>on my page(the cabernet sauvignon of Ranma romance pages)
Ranma: His ego's enough to power a Mouko Takabishya big enough to wipe out Godzilla...
>devoted to the Tamahome/Miaka of Rumiko Takahashi fandom(seriously).
Tim: But seriously... Ranma and Akane make a great pair. Via my skills at reading people and my plot reading abilities, I can tell you they make a great, loving couple!
Ranma: Thanks, I think...
>Mike Rhea
>Webmaster of The Ranma and Ukyou Pages!
>http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/
>"Besides,since you're so weak,you can't possibly take over the Tendou
>Doujou!Meaning nobody'll care about your engagement to Akane."-
>Ukyou Kuonji,Ranma graphic novel #11,part 7:"The World's Weakest Man"
Tim: BWAHAHAHAHAAAAHHHAAAAA!
Ranma: He used THAT as his quote?
Graham: What?
Tim: That quote, given in context, is one of the biggest proofs AGAINST Ukyo's relationship to Ranma! She thinks he'd be CONTENT to be weak and give up martial arts! She doesn't really KNOW Ranma!
Ranma: Seriosusly! Heck, Akane was willing to come with me when I left. Even if it was "to carry the pack" She still wanted to come with me!
Graham: I see what you mean!
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Before you buy.
(The outer room)
Graham: Hey, what were you saying earlier, about "I'm convinced" or something?
Tim: Oh, that. Basically, Mike isn't ACTUALLY writing about Ranma and Ukyo. He's A: Obsessed with Ukyo, and is either writing this fic to "appease" her or something. or B: He's placing himself in the role of Ranma, since HE has a crush on Ukyo and visulizes himself in Ranma.
Graham: Basically this is a thinly veiled SI fic?
Tim: Yep, that and He only wrote this from Ukyo's perspective. He totally ignored Ranma's perspective the entire time. He leaves out Key elements of Ranma and of the story.
Ranma: Such as?
Tim: The times you've gone after Akane, or the times SHE's gone after you! Sure there are events like the time when the porch fell away, or you tried to get revenge on Nabiki by telling her you loved her...
Ranma: I saved Nabiki because I thought Akane could take care of herself there. I did the revenge thing because I figured she might have had some shred of remorse in her and that might've triggered it.
Tim: Tell it to Rhea. I'm pretty good at looking at what makes people tick. I can figure these things out. Also he made NO mention of you martial arts in this fic. Now, in most fics, this is acceptable, but he made it seem like you had given them up, which as we all know...
Ranma: Has a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
Graham: You gonna give a total profile on Ukyo now?
Tim: No...
Graham: Thank god!
Tim: Just a partial one. Ukyo, basically, is in love, to steal/ paraphrase a quote from the spellsinger series "with the Idea of Ranma" Basically, she can't see the totality of Ranma. She only sees what she wants to see. The same is true with Kodachi and Shampoo. Akane, her opinion is slightly biased against most of the time because of the parents forced you into it thing, but SHE can see you in your entirety. Ukyo has dimmness of vision when it comes to you, Ranma.
Ranma: Dang, never thought of it that way... Oh well.
Tim: I STILL say if that entire forced engagement hadn't happened, you two would have gotten engaged to each other by now anyways, if not married.
Ranma: And I agree, since I'm from past the end of the Manga.
Tim: Anyways, wanna play That video game? I just looked at it and the cast of Torg Dream fighters just got unlocked as playable characters
Graham: Having a possessed video game is fun. Go easy on me, Okay Tim?
Tim: You wish.
***
TO BE CONTINUED
EMAIL AT END OF PART C.
Tim: And now for something completely identical to the last fic.
>DISCLAIMER:
Ranma: I wrote this. if you don't like this, BUG OFF!
>None of these characters are mine,and no copyright infringement is intended.
Tim: But, Character defacement happened anyways...
>Summer may finally be over in California,but
Graham: Who gives a load? There are other places in the world than california!
>it hasn't stopped me from cranking out this yet another romantic piece
All: (Laugh uproariously)
Ranma: Go on, tell us another one!
>featuring the Angel and Buffy of Japanese anime.
Tim: Kagome and Inu-Yasha?
>^_^
Ranma: He won't be smiling for long...
>This ISN'T a lemon.
Graham: And your last one WAS?
>Okonomiyaki Summer
Tim: As opposed to the Summer of Sakura
>(A Ranma 1/2 fanfic),by Mike Rhea
>*********************************************************
>It was early July.A typical summer day in Japan's Kansai region.The
>region was under a heat spell.School was out for the summer,
Tim: And the spaces after periods had taken a much needed vacation.
>and just about everyone was hitting the beaches.
All: DIE BEACH, DIE!
>Ranma and Ukyou Saotome were no exception.
Ranma: Die you Beach! Die!
>Though it was their first summer together since not only marrying but
>also moving out of Tokyo,they knew that okonomiyaki would be a hot
>beachside business;
Graham: I beleive we already know that, thank you very little...
>which is why for the summer,they moved their okonomiyaki business
>out of its normal location in western Kyoto and to the beaches
>of Shirasaki on the Ise peninsula,where they've built a summer cottage
>on the beach.
Graham: Whoa, Okonomiyaki's profitable. A beachside COTTAGE, no less!
>It was already heating up outside when they emerged from their cottage
>at about ten in the morning to set up their yatai for the day.
Ranma: one minute into reading this and I'm already bored...
>They were dressed in a slimmed down summer version of their okonomiyaki
>sellers' clothing:
Graham: Basically, shorts and a tank top.
>Ranma was wearing a sleeveless okonomiyaki sellers' shirt and some shorts;
Ranma: Are they Okonomiyaki sellers' shorts?
>and Ukyou in a sleeveless okonomiyaki sellers' shirt
Graham: Yup, shorts and a tank top.
>over a swimsuit(sans breast bindings,of course).
Tim: Thank you for keeping us abreast of that situation...
>In fact,it was exactly the same as what she wore previously at the Miss
>Beachside contest.
Ranma: and she hasn't washed it since!
>As soon as they opened up for the day,business picked up very quickly.
Tim: Hey you! Put down our buisiness and get back here!
>Among their first customers of the day,in fact were none other
>than the Godai family:Yusaku,Kyooko,and their daughter Haruka.
Tim: I'm going a little Kyooko myself reading this...
>"Good day,Mr. and Mrs.Saotome,"greeted Kyooko.
Graham: Who did? Who greeted her?
Tim: Hey, another Rumiko relation he broke up! Yusaku and Kyoko hook up! Who's this Kyooko woman?
>"Good day,Godai-san,"replied Ukyou.
>"How have things been for you and your husband?"
Ranma: Was that Ukyo or Kyooko?
>"Excellent.In fact,not only is he enjoying being a nursery school teacher;
Tim: He's teaching by example, especially at nap time!
>we're thinking about having another child.By the way,have
>either of you met our young daughter,Haruka?"
>"No,we haven't.Is that Godai holding her?"
Graham: No, its a random drunk man I pulled off the street to carry my child. OF COURSE ITS GODAI!
>"Yes,though she's still not old enough to talk yet.Can you please make
>it a couple of seafood combos?"
Tim: They're cooking their only child! Honey, we ate the kid! Coming to a bad fanfic near you!
>"Sure,"said Ukyou as she began preparing 3 okonomiyaki,one of them
>heart-shaped(to be consumed by Ranma) in which she wrote "Love,Ucchan"
>in sauce.
All: Aww... How cliche...
Ranma: Just cuz she did it ONCE doesn't mean she does it ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!
>As the okonomiyaki were cooking...
Tim: The audience got ridiulously bored...
>"How's it been,Saotome-kun?,"inquired Godai.
>"Very well,Godai-kun,"replied Ranma."
>Did you find our summer location O.K.?"
Graham: No, we still haven't arrived here, We're all in your mind... there IS no okonomiyaki cart here...
>"Well,we found it faster than the first time we were looking for your
>Kyoto location;
Ranma: Okay, when the hell am I supposed to have met this Yusaku Guy?
Tim: Author oversight.
>since not only was there a map on the door,but also
>because we didn't get our directions from that directionally
>challenged lad named Ryouga Hibiki.
>BTW,has he ever found his way home yet?"
Graham: Does the piglet on the cart tell you anything?
>"Actually,you may be surprised:Since marrying both Akari Unryuu and
>Akane Tendou,
Ranma: HAHA! Not only is Akane not interested in Ryouga at all, but the IDEA that she'd be willing to share a guy with another gal is ludicrous!
Tim: Unless the other gal is you, of course.
Ranma: Let's not go there...
>the latter whom I was once engaged to,
Ranma: And actually still am...
Tim: You ain't married YET?
Ranma: We're torturing our parents, what can we say?
>he rarely gets lost anymore.
Graham: Since they've chained him to the wall.
>In addition,he doesn't get nosebleeds anymore when he sees
>them both in the raw,even when he sees them playing with each other."
Ranma: I'm sorry, but this is just too much... Ryouga, polygamy? No nosebleed? Akane having sex with a girl other than my curse form. It's too much!
Tim: I think you just said a LITTLE too much there Ranma, but you ARE OOC (WINK, WINK) So don't worry about it!
>As Ranma and Godai continued talking,the okonomiyaki were done.
Graham: Burnt okonomiyaki, Yum.
>"Godai darling,they're done,"said Kyooko.
>"See ya later,Saotome-kun,"said Godai as he paid and thanked Ranma.
>"Have a nice day,Godai,"replied Ranma.
>"See ya,Godai-san,"said Ukyou.
>"Arigatou,Saotome-san,"replied Kyooko
Tim: Goodnight everybody!
Graham: And soon to be goodbye fanfic...
>as she,(Yusaku)Godai,
Tim: Godai got a sex change? Say it ain't so!
>and Haruka laid down on a beach towel and began consuming their
>okonomiyaki.About an hour(and many customers)later,
>another familiar face showed up at the Saotome okonomiyaki yatai:
Ranma: The REAL Ranma Saotome?
Tim: Rumiko Takahashi?
Graham: If it's Tenchi, I'm leaving.
>Tenchi Masaki.
Graham: Check please!
Tim: You don't have enough money to pay. You must pay off your debt my MST'ing the rest of this fic!
Graham: DAMN!
>"Good day,Saotome-kun,"said Tenchi.
>"Good day,Masaki-kun,"replied Ranma.
Tim: "Bite me!" commanded Tim.
>"How would you like your okonomiyaki today?"
>"Make it 3 seafood combos,please."
>"Sure.Ryouko and Ayeka fighting again?,"inquired Ranma
Ranma: Ooh, big words!
>as he began preparing 4 seafood okonomiyaki,including a heart-shaped
>one(to be consumed by Ukyou)in which he wrote "I love you,Ucchan" in
>sauce.
All: Aww... How cliche!
>"As usual,"replied Tenchi."How's married life for you and Ukyou?"
Tim: Huh? I'm married? When did THAT happen?
>"It's a far cry from that so called 'engagement' to Akane Tendou.
Ranma: Yeah, back then I had decent lines, could get into fights whenever I wanted, was learning new martial arts tricks every other week, and was engaged to a gal I actually liked in a sexual fashion.
Tim: "So called engagment" is right, though. You were practically MARRIED the way you two fought...
>It turned out that the uncute tomboy had been playing dumb about the
>Ryouga/P-chan matter all along.
All: Bullshit!
Tim: Are we to believe, that Akane, who smashes ANYONE for doing ANYTHING perverted, wouldn't mind allowing a pig who she knew was actually a human to share her bed?
Graham: We just ain't buying it!
Tim: There is a level beyond which all becomes non believable. You have just crossed this line. You have just crossed into a dimension of repeated lines and cliches, but also of poorly written lemon scenes You are now entering...
Ranma: The Rhea Zone...
All: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...
>If only my old man had told me in the first place that Ukyou was a girl
>so I could have chosen her over okonomiyaki on the spot
Ranma: Hey, wasn't that line in the last fic too? And I was SIX! I had no clue what the hell the difference between a boy and a girl WAS back then!
>(instead of my stupid old man pulling another of his food stunts),
>not only would she not have been abandoned in the first place,but also
>neither me or my lovely wife wouldn't have gone through the troubles
>we went through
Tim: That sounds nothing like Ranma!
Ranma: Umm... I'm right here you know. Even though that DID sound nothing like me.
>just because my dad had a stomach for a brain.
Graham: No offense Ranma, but you are not one to talk...
>Besides,my wife is much cuter than that uncute tomboy that
>I was once engaged to.
Tim: I'm getting more and more convinced each line...
Graham: What about?
Tim: A psycho profile on the author. I'll tell you when I get more proof.
>"Ranma then took a break from the conversation
Ranma: Damn! Small talk just takes it outta ya!
>as he and Ukyou kissed briefly,but passionately.At that moment,Ryouko
>and Ayeka found Tenchi.
All: (putting on crash helmets)
>"Where have you been,darling Tenchi?,"inquired Ryouko.
>"While you and Ayeka were fighting again,I decided to get something to
>eat,"replied Tenchi."Besides,if you're hungry,I got some okonomiyaki."
Tim: But, since you've been fighting you don't get any. Sasami, Ryo-Ohki, eat up!
>"Lord Tenchi,she started it!,"interrupted Ayeka.
Graham: RIIIGHT. I'm sure she did...
>Eventually,the okonomiyaki were done before Ryouko's and Ayeka's
>exchange of insults could escalate even further.
Tim: DAMN!
Ranma: What now?
Tim: A fight scene would've at least made this fic SOMEWHAT interesting!
>"See ya later,Masaki-kun,"said Ranma.
>"Have a nice day,Saotome-kun,"replied Tenchi
>as he,Ryouko,and Ayeka began consuming their okonomiyaki.
>One moment later,Ukyou noticed another familiar acquaintance within a
>distance:
Graham: Yuka and Mana?
>Ryuunosuke Fujinami.
Tim: Great! It's Rumiko crossover summer!
Graham: Tenchi isn't Rumiko, though.
Tim: He's close enough. He IS the basic Rumiko male. Utterly clueless about girls and with the world's most bizarre luck.
Ranma: I'd take insult to that, but it's true.
>"Ran-chan,Ryuu-chan could be coming here in any moment,"said Ukyou.
>"No problem,my darling Ucchan,"replied Ranma
Ranma: I'll prep the tiger trap and you be ready to hogtie her!
>as he wasted little time preparing an extra okonomiyaki for the cross-dresser
>from Tomobiki
Graham: Ugh... Where is this fic going?
Tim: Wherever it's going, it got directions from Ryouga...
>which he and Ukyou have known since she attended their wedding.
Ranma: Lemme get this straight. I've been friends with somebody since they just randomly showed up at my wedding for no reason?
Tim: Too unbelievable, even for Rumiko.
All: The Rhea zone! Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...
>A couple of moments later,the normally tomboyish Ryuunosuke,who was
>wearing a swimsuit sans breast bindings
Graham: Why does he need to mention breast bindings so often?
>(since her sexist father has been lost for several months,thanks to Ryouga;
Ranma: But Ryouga has a sense of direction now, according to the author...
Tim: And how the hell's he gonna get directions from RYOUGA anyways?
>and was now stranded in the middle of the K Street pedestrian mall in
>downtown Sacramento, Calfornia,U.S.A.),
Graham: Which is the writer's home town?
>arrived at the Saotome okonomiyaki cart as the extra
>okonomiyaki that Ranma was cooking for this occasion had finished.
Tim: Must fight sleepiness. Must stay awake... Must drink several cases of Jolt Cola...
>"Kon-nichiwa,Saotome-san,"said Ryuunosuke.
>"Kon-nichiwa,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou.
Ranma: Hello America!
Tim: And welcome to the surefire cure for insomnia, a Rheafic...
>"You just caught us as we were about to close up for lunch.Luckily,
>Ran-chan and I saved you an extra okonomiyaki since we knew you
>were coming."
Ranma: Ukyo OPENS during lunch! She eats on the job to get more customers and more money!
Tim: You know, Ukyo and Nabiki have that in common, They're both after money. Be it by Okonomiykai, or by swindling people out of cash, They're both greedy little buggers!
>"Arigatou,Saotome-san,"thanked Ryuunosuke as she handed Ukyou some
>money.
>"You're welcome,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou as she handed Ryuunosuke her
>okonomiyaki."Care to join us?"
>"Sure,"replied Ryuunosuke as she,Ranma,and Ukyou laid down on a large
>beach towel
Graham: Would it be tacky to make a "got laid" joke here?
Ranma and Tim: YES.
>in which the latter two had set up next to their yatai after closing it up
>(and taking off their shirts so that Ranma was only wearing shorts and
>Ukyou a swimsuit).
Tim: Unless something COMES of them taking those clothes off, I don't wanna hear about it! It's pointless crap otherwise!
>Once settled,the three wasted little time eating up their okonomiyaki.
All: (sounds of eating. IE: smacking, sluring, burping, various farm animals (don't ask) and some other disgusting noises)
>A few moments later,after they finished eating up their okonomiyaki...
>"How's married life,Saotome-san?,"inquired Ryuunosuke.
>"Wonderful,Ryuu-chan,"replied Ukyou."I had been dreaming about this
>for eternally,literally.
Tim: Eternity. And invalid statement. She's only, say, nineteen at the most, and hormonal urges don't kick in until age ten to twelve. AND SHE WANTED TO KILL HIM FOR TEN YEARS!
Ranma: She said basically the same thing the last fic, too...
>Besides,I haven't seen dress like this before.
Tim: Is that sentence even anywhere NEAR grammatically sound?
>What does your father think of you wearing feminine clothing for a
>change?"
>"Well,it doesn't look like he'll ever find out,since he's been missing
>for months.
Tim: And again the author repeats himself!
Tim: And again the author repeats himself!
Tim: Hey! Stop trying to steal my lines!
Tim: YOUR lines? My lines! (they fight for a few moments)
Ranma: I gotta learn how the hell to do that...
>Actually,it's quite a relief that he hasn't been around to make me hide my
>true gender from the world."
Graham: That sounded somehow wrong.
>She then asked Ranma "Saotome-kun,do you miss Nerima?"
Ranma: YES!
>"Not really,"replied Ranma."In fact,if only my old man told me about
>Ukyou's true gender in the first place,I wouldn't have chosen
>okonomiyaki in the first place.
Ranma: I'm responding like a robot! I-am-the-ranmaton-2000. Please-ask-me-how-much-I-like-Ukyo-and-hate-Akane.
>In fact my mom finally got pops to apologize to Ucchan and her dad
>for stealing the cart and leaving my eventual future wife behind.
All: (playing gameboys) Call us when we get to some NEW lines!
>"He then turned to his wife and said "Ucchan,don't you wish that
>summer was year-round instead of just 3 months a year?"
Tim: No. I wish to be in a fanfic with decent lines, a plot, and a Ranma with some personality!
Some Random Genie: Your wish is granted. (Ukyo appears to Tim's left in the theatre)
Ukyo: How the hell did I get here? (A trap door opens underneath her and she falls out of the theatre)
>"Why is that,Ran-chan?,"replied Ukyou.
>"You are the only woman in the world that is kawaii regardless of what
>you wear,
Ranma: Okay, I KNOW he wrote those EXACT lines the last fic!
Tim: She didn't look too kawaii when she pretending to be a guy, now did she? Or is the author secretly Yaoi?...
>especially when you're wearing a swimsuit."
Ranma: Not nearly as much so when you're plastered with mud.
>Ukyou blushed profusely,
Tim: And smacked Ranma over the head with her spatula.
>then replied "Oh,Ran-chan" as she and her husband Ranma kissed very
>passionately and deeply.
Graham: But did they do it briefly?
>Suddenly,their passionate kiss was interrupted by
>a tidal wave that splashed them and Ryuunosuke,
Ranma: I'm willing to change in order to make this fic interesting...
>leaving all 3 very wet.
Graham: This fic is leaving me as cold a fish. I'm gonna make a fire! At least I'll get SOME feeling from the FIRE! (Graham makes the fire)
Tim: Wait! You'll set off the-
(water pours down, transforming everyone into their curse forms)
Tim: Sprinklers.
Ranma: Well, I've changed. Is the fic interesting yet?
>Suddenly,Ryuunosuke noticed that Ranma didn't change into a girl like
>he always did whenever splashed with cool or cold water.
Tim: Nope.
>"Saotome-kun,why didn't you change into a girl when that wave hit
>you?,"inquired Ryuunosuke.
>"Let's just say a stashed away and saved an extra bottle of
>Nanniichuan water for emergencies
Ranma: Which I don't have or would have USED by now...
>such as my failed wedding to that uncute tomboy Akane Tendou
Tim: WAIT A MINUTE! He recognizes the end of the Manga, yet refuses to admit the last two pages? He IS deliberately going against Rumiko Takahashi's storyline!
>in which that dirty old Happousai drank up all that Nanniichuan water,"
>replied Ranma.
Graham: this has been Recap theatre with your host, Ranma Saotome
Tim: (Riff from Sluggy Freelance) That sounded suspiciously like a recap...
>"Thankfully,he didn't know about the extra bottle I had saved."
Ranma: TENDO HAD IT, NOT ME!
>"Oh,Ran-chan,"said Ukyou."You shouldn't have!"
Graham: Hey! Ukyo wants your girl side too!
Ranma: Are ALL my fiancee's Bi-curious?
Tim: No, Shampoo's more than CURIOUS.
>"Now I can be a real man for you,darling Ucchan,"replied Ranma
All: Aww... How cliche!
>as he and Ukyou again kissed very passionately,but briefly
Graham: But was it deeply?
>before they went back to the yatai(where Ranma put his shirt back on
>and Ukyou put on the apron that she often wears when operating on the
>beach)and reopened it.
>"Saotome-san,can I help out for the rest of the day?,"inquired
>Ryuunosuke."Nodoka-san figured that you could use some help."
Tim: This is like watching a movie from half of the way through...
Graham: You mean it doesn't make any sense, is pretty lame, and ruins the experience for you?
>"Why not,"replied Ukyou as she handed Ryuunosuke an extra apron which
>she put on right away.
Tim: Quite VERY MUCH so ruins the experience, Graham.
>**********************************************************
>For the rest of the operating day,
Ranma: That being ten minutes.
>Ryuunosuke served the customers whenever Ranma and Ukyou took
>small breaks to passionately kiss each other.
Graham: So it WAS briefly, right?
Tim: I think you should give that a rest shortly...
>Eventually,hours later,
Ranma: Sure it wasn't Meanwhile, hours later?
>it was sunset;which for Ranma and Ukyou
>also meant closing time.
Tim: (Singing) Closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer...
Graham: I feel almost as sleepy as if it WERE 2 AM... On second thought, no... I'm more energetic at 2 AM than THIS!
>As they packed up the yatai,they thanked Ryuunosuke for her help and
>handed her about a fourth of the day's profits.
Graham: Two Lousy BUCKS?
Ranma: Well, we DID only sell seven Okonomiyaki...
>Ukyou then took off her apron as she and Ranma took their yatai
>back to their cottage where Ranma's mom,Nodoka,greeted them while
>sitting next to a snoring panda.
Ranma: If that ain't pop, I'm gonna scream...
Tim: Hey, the author's messed up every other relationship he can think of, Why not your parents'?
>"How was it,Ranma?,"inquired Nodoka.
Graham: Passionate and Deep, but Brief.
>"As usual,business was great,"replied Ranma."Before Ryuu-chan arrived,
>the Godai family came by;and a bit later,Tenchi and company came by."
Tim: This IS recap theatre!
>"Anyway,you got a postcard from Ryouga."
Tim: He dropped it off while looking for a mailbox to put it in!
>Ranma kissed him mom
Tim: I can't see that happening.
Ranma: I'm too shocked at my OOC'ness to comment...
>and then found the postcard on the coffee table.
Ranma: Greetings from Alpha Centauri, wish you were here.
>"How are Ryouga-kun and his 2 wives doing,Ran-chan?,"inquired Ukyou.
Graham: Well, they just had a deathmatch... Ryouga lost.
>"Very fine,"replied Ranma.
>"He just wanted to tell us that both Akane and Akari are pregnant with the
>trio's first children.
Tim: Is polygamy even legal in Japan?
Ranma: I'm pretty damn sure it isn't.
>In addition, Tsubasa and Konatsu are in the U.S. to make an appearance
>on some daytime talk show."
Graham: Jilted men who cross dress for women, today on springer!
>"I'd figure that those 2 drag queens would find true romance with each other.
Tim: They aren't drag queens. The both of them actually look femenine, while a drag queen obviously isn't. Well, most of the time.
Ranma: And how the hell do you know that?
Tim: There is so much knowledge in the world, and knowledge is power, and I happen to get along very well with power...
>Besides,I'm sweating,Ranchan.The two of us could use a hot bath."
Graham: If this is headed where I think its headed.
Tim: We'll still be bored out of our skulls...
>"Why not,darling?,"replied Ranma
Ranma: Because I'm acting OOC, like a robot, there's been no real plot so far, the lines have been pathetic, the author refuses to recognize my choice of fiancee, and a few other things I can't quite think of right now!
>as he and Ukyou accompanied each other to their bedroom.
>Once settled,Ukyou took off Ranma's shirt.
>He,in return,helped his wife slide her bathing suit from her shoulders;and
>she pulled it down to her ankles,stepped out of it,and tossed it aside.
>Ranma then held her close and tried to kiss her when Ukyou said "Let's
>skip the teasing,Ran-chan you naughty boy,"
Tim: Foreplay is nonexistant in a rheafic... Hell, PLOT is nonexistant in a Rheafic!
>while tracing her hands down to Ranma's waist and helped him slip out
>of his shorts.
All: I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING?
>"Anything for you,honey,"replied Ranma as he stepped out of his shorts,
>tossed them aside,and undid the ribbon in his wife's hair as they
>accompanied each other to the bathroom,
Tim: Hold it. I just noticed something. Ranma, the life-long martial artist, selling Okonomiyaki and not doing ANY martial arts? That's less beleivable than Moonlight's gift!
>holding hands and admiring each other's nude bodies on the way.
Ranma: Um... OOC fanfic Ranma? What the hell are you doing pretending to be ME?
>Upon arrival in the bathroom,they stepped into the bath and sat in it
>together so that their bodies below their shoulders were completely under
>water.
>As they soaked in the hot water...
Tim: Ranma turned into a female, not having realized his curse had only been reversed, not cured.
Graham: Godzilla came up for a stretch and squashed their house flat. The end.
>"Ran-chan...,"said Ukyou.
>"Yes,Ucchan?,"replied Ranma.
>"You may now be 100% male and I may be a tomboy,but you make me feel
>like a natural woman."
Tim: I call NO "Natural woman" and that sentence made no sense. It was, thankfully Grammatically sound, but it made NO sense whatso-friggin-ever!
>Ranma blushed profusely,then replied "Arigatou,Ucchan" as he and his
>wife engaged in a very passionate kiss.
Graham: It was deep but brief, as well.
>**Music:"Lum's Love Song,"from the anime series Urusei Yatsura**
Tim: I would've suggested the ballad of Ranma and Akane myself, but...
>*********************************************************
>Meanwhile,at the corner of Seventh at K streets in downtown
>Sacramento...
Graham: That's another thing. If Ryuunosuke's pop has been missing for months, how did she know where the hell he was?
>"Do you know where Tomobiki-cho is?,"Mr.Fujinami asked a Japanese
>tourist who was waiting for a local bus.
Ranma: He was wearing a yellow bandanna and using an old style japanese umbrella to ward off the sun.
>"Never heard of it,"the tourist replied."You've probably been watching
>and/or reading too much Urusei Yatsura.Try the comic store across the
>street.
Tim: The funny thing is, Tomoboki actually exists.
>If you live in Tomobiki-cho,the nearest Japanese consulate
>is in San Francisco.There's a bus station a block down from here."
Max: (poking head in theatre) Fic's almost over. You can pretty much leave now.
>"Arigatou,"replied Mr.Fujinami as he walked to the Greyhound station.
All: (Singing) Domo Arigato Mister Roboto... Oh thank you very much, Oh mister Roboto, for helping us escape just when we needed you...
Max: Yer welcome
>THE END
Tim: And not a moment too soon!
Graham: About three too late, really...
>*******************************************************************
>AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Tim: Everyone up for a good laugh?
>As you may know,this latest fanfic of mine was at least
>partially inspired by an episode very late in the Nettouhen series
>that features a swimsuit contest(Miss Beachside)between Ranma's 4
>fiancees.
Graham: Dopey, Happy, Sneezy and Doc?
Ranma: That's nowhere near funny Graham.
Tim: Now that the fic is OVER he tells us all that we need to know.
>Of course,Ukyou is the only Ranma 1/2 lady who is kawaii in
>either boy's or girl's clothing.
Ranma: Akane looked pretty durn cute when she was wearing my shirt that time I was getting the soap back from Ryouga.
Tim: Not to mention, Shampoo, Nabiki, Kodachi ain't half bad, and Kasumi!
Tim and Graham: KASUMI! NABIKI! AKANE!
All: AKANE! AKANE! AKANE!
Graham: Glad I got that out of my system...
>But I must admit,when she's wearing a bathing suit,even if she was
>in a group picture where everyone was in beach attire(there are a fair
>number of such pictures in just aboute very other Ranma 1/2 fan page),
Tim: So what's your preference?
Graham: VERY other.
>the only one that comes even close to Ukyou's good looks is Shampoo.
Tim: Have you never seen the OAV man? Akane gets a D cup! She looks excellent in a yellow nighty! As Ranma here can thouroughly attest to!
Ranma: I decline comment...
>Even if both Akane was wearing a bathing suit and Ukyou her boy's school
>uniform(as is the case in another not-yet-available-in-English episode
>in which the principal tries to teach Akane to swim),Akane STILL hasn't
>a fraction of Ukyou's good looks
All: Yeah, she does.
>(no offense intended to Akanites).
All: (Blink)
Tim: You insult her thouroghly thoughout the fic, and you expect us to believe "NO OFFENSE?" And I assume you mean By "Akanite" somebody who has a thing for Akane? I don't, I have a thing for Ranma-chan (Ranma glares at him) Hey! Can I help it if I got a thing fer redheads? Anyways, As I was saying, I'm not an Akane freak, but I was STILL offended thouroghly by the fic! I mean for god's sake man! Rumiko SPELLED IT OUT FOR US that Ranma and Akane would tie the knot someday! You are not one to say otherwise!
>Of course,looks aren't the principal reason for my choice of Ranma fiancee:
Graham: YES THEY ARE!
Tim: What OTHER reasons have you given us? Just that She's Kawaii
All: "No matter what she's wearing!"
>IMHO,her only 2 compatible choices for romance are Ranma and
>Ryouga.
Graham: At the same time?
>Pairing her with another guy(particularly Konatsu)is an even far
>bigger no-no than Kunou/Kodachi(which is a big no-no itself because
>it's an incest pairing).
Tim: Family stone had plot. Does YOURS?
Graham: And didn't Rumiko basically have it that She and Konatsu were hoooking up?
Ranma: Well, what about with another girl?
Tim: Like he said, Ukyo and Konatsu.
Ranma: Ouch. Slam.
>Besides,I just can't imagine her without her beloved "Ran-chan."
All: I CAN!
>As you may know,I live in the Sacramento,California region.
>Originally,I intended to have Ryuunosuke's father lost in the Amazon
>rain forest.However,when I was almost done writing this fic,my sister
>and a friend of hers went to go see "Princess Mononoke,"but not before
>getting lost in the middle of downtown Sacramento(several miles from
>the theater showing that movie,in fact)on the way.
Ranma: So you made up a really crappy epilogue based on something totally unrelated to the fic?
>No,I wasn't making fun of Urusei Yatsura in the last part of the fic.I was
>just making fun of Ryuunosuke's father which reminds me of Genma.
Tim: So you insulting people reminds you of Genma... and given your record of LOVING THE CRAP OUTTA GENMA, that says something.
>Excluding flames,C&C are welcome.
Tim: What's a flame? a defamatory remark about your piece?
>You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics(by myself and other authors)
>on my page(the cabernet sauvignon of Ranma romance pages)
Ranma: His ego's enough to power a Mouko Takabishya big enough to wipe out Godzilla...
>devoted to the Tamahome/Miaka of Rumiko Takahashi fandom(seriously).
Tim: But seriously... Ranma and Akane make a great pair. Via my skills at reading people and my plot reading abilities, I can tell you they make a great, loving couple!
Ranma: Thanks, I think...
>Mike Rhea
>Webmaster of The Ranma and Ukyou Pages!
>http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/
>"Besides,since you're so weak,you can't possibly take over the Tendou
>Doujou!Meaning nobody'll care about your engagement to Akane."-
>Ukyou Kuonji,Ranma graphic novel #11,part 7:"The World's Weakest Man"
Tim: BWAHAHAHAHAAAAHHHAAAAA!
Ranma: He used THAT as his quote?
Graham: What?
Tim: That quote, given in context, is one of the biggest proofs AGAINST Ukyo's relationship to Ranma! She thinks he'd be CONTENT to be weak and give up martial arts! She doesn't really KNOW Ranma!
Ranma: Seriosusly! Heck, Akane was willing to come with me when I left. Even if it was "to carry the pack" She still wanted to come with me!
Graham: I see what you mean!
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Before you buy.
(The outer room)
Graham: Hey, what were you saying earlier, about "I'm convinced" or something?
Tim: Oh, that. Basically, Mike isn't ACTUALLY writing about Ranma and Ukyo. He's A: Obsessed with Ukyo, and is either writing this fic to "appease" her or something. or B: He's placing himself in the role of Ranma, since HE has a crush on Ukyo and visulizes himself in Ranma.
Graham: Basically this is a thinly veiled SI fic?
Tim: Yep, that and He only wrote this from Ukyo's perspective. He totally ignored Ranma's perspective the entire time. He leaves out Key elements of Ranma and of the story.
Ranma: Such as?
Tim: The times you've gone after Akane, or the times SHE's gone after you! Sure there are events like the time when the porch fell away, or you tried to get revenge on Nabiki by telling her you loved her...
Ranma: I saved Nabiki because I thought Akane could take care of herself there. I did the revenge thing because I figured she might have had some shred of remorse in her and that might've triggered it.
Tim: Tell it to Rhea. I'm pretty good at looking at what makes people tick. I can figure these things out. Also he made NO mention of you martial arts in this fic. Now, in most fics, this is acceptable, but he made it seem like you had given them up, which as we all know...
Ranma: Has a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
Graham: You gonna give a total profile on Ukyo now?
Tim: No...
Graham: Thank god!
Tim: Just a partial one. Ukyo, basically, is in love, to steal/ paraphrase a quote from the spellsinger series "with the Idea of Ranma" Basically, she can't see the totality of Ranma. She only sees what she wants to see. The same is true with Kodachi and Shampoo. Akane, her opinion is slightly biased against most of the time because of the parents forced you into it thing, but SHE can see you in your entirety. Ukyo has dimmness of vision when it comes to you, Ranma.
Ranma: Dang, never thought of it that way... Oh well.
Tim: I STILL say if that entire forced engagement hadn't happened, you two would have gotten engaged to each other by now anyways, if not married.
Ranma: And I agree, since I'm from past the end of the Manga.
Tim: Anyways, wanna play That video game? I just looked at it and the cast of Torg Dream fighters just got unlocked as playable characters
Graham: Having a possessed video game is fun. Go easy on me, Okay Tim?
Tim: You wish.
***
TO BE CONTINUED
EMAIL AT END OF PART C.