Warp Tour 41K (40k humour)

[Academia Nut]

I apologize for not having another installment of Valour and Mayhem, I just got a new job and I'm still trying to figure out how to best use my time, and then this got stuck in my head.

Enjoy.

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High above Holy Terra, a single ship settled into orbit, all others giving it wide birth despite its total lack of armaments. By ancient decree, some even blasphemously suggested more ancient than the Emperor, none may harm this ship or its inhabitants. Conversely though, none of the passengers could bring war to the planets they touched.

Detaching a huge landing craft capable of ferrying Titans, the ancient vessel released its cargo upon the world below. Descending through the atmosphere, the craft went towards a massive plaza reserved for it once every millennium, and at precisely the turn over from M41 to M42 its landing struts made contact with the ground. A huge ramp lowers itself from the craft, and immediately all manner of mysterious figures begin preparations in front of millions strong crowds of true believers, waiting for this once in a thousand year experience.

For the higher ups, which had better seats than most, the preparations were strange and worrying, although for Commander Dante of the Blood Angels, who had seen this display once before in his long life, it was not so bad. Supposedly loyal Imperium subjects associated with filthy xenos and, worse yet, beings clearly marked by Chaos, abominations that now strode on Holy Soil. Still, with Custodes keeping watch over the whole affair, no one made a move against the new arrivals.

Eventually though whatever arcane preparations were complete, and a low hush settled over the crowd as they waited for the start of this rare and awesome occasion. And then, the silence was broken as the curtain dropped. Several figures were standing upon the stage in front of the crowd, cloaked in shadow and surrounded by eldritch machines that only the members of the Adeptus Mechanicus in attendance understood.

A lone, gravely voice began to sing, his voice amplified a thousand-fold by the enormous speakers mounted on the landing craft, slowly counting in High Gothic.

“One…two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… OUT!”

At the final word the stage exploded in fire as several flamers ignited, spewing enormous tongues of fire out over the crowd, burning away harmlessly in mid-air, while the stage lights came up. Assembled on stage was a short squad of Salamanders Space Marines, stripped to their waists and holding musical instruments and weaponry.

Warp Tour Forty One Thousand had begun!

Within seconds the confusion and anxiety within the crowd melted away until the pounding rhythms and energy. Inquisitors and High Generals banged their heads in time to the beat of the thunder hammers and the power guitars, millions threw up the ancient predecessor of the Aquila by making fists and extending their index and pinky fingers for the two heads of the eagle. Some members of the crowd, caught up in the ecstasy of the moment began to convulse and those around them carried them aloft.

Firing blank bolter rounds into the air and sending dragon’s breath streams of fire out over the crowd, the Salamanders quickly had the crowd in frenzy, especially when they fired their melta flashpots in time to the lyrics, “Here comes the sun!”

All too quickly the song was over and the grime and soot covered Salamanders retreated from the stage while servitors, gretchin, and minor daemons quickly changed around the stage in preparation for the next performance. Taking up a mic, a rather scantily clad Adepta Sororita shouts out to the crowd, “That was Vindicator with Sun, they’ll be back later with Fire Free and Promethium. But for now, get ready to scream for WULFEN!”

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I apologize for not being nearly metal enough to do this justice, and thus if anyone thinks they can do better please feel free to offer suggestions or even submit a chapter (please PM me first). Here's some of the stuff I've come up with already:

Salamanders with Vindicator - Rammstein (specifically their opening performance would be this)

Space Wolves with Wulfen - some sort of Viking metal of course

Emperor's Children with some sort of thrash metal that has enough beats per minute to make an assault cannon blush. Can't think of a name

Sisters of Battle. You would never think a pipe organ was metal until you saw an Exorcist tank being played in concert. Possibly call them Twisted Sisters

Less defined ideas are

Rage Against the Machine Spirit

Lamb of the Emperor (possibly Word Bearers?)

[pieman3141]

Needs punk. Though WH40K punk would all be pro-Emperor and whatnot, and not anti-establishment. There'd have to be the equivalent of old fogies, like Bad Religion and Pennywise, as well as the new kids...