I'd like some help writing a space battle

[Qwerty 42]

I'm writing a science fiction short story. The space battle is at the very beginning, and inconsequential in the context of the rest of the plot, but everyone's who's read the first draft has said that the battle is confusing. If anyone with more experience could help, I'd appreciate it. It's never been a strong suit of mine.

***

It's beautiful, a flower in bloom, Admiral Derek Evans reflected sardonically as the USS Basilisk erupted in space, great gouts of oxygen burn-off flaring hundreds of feet out of the gouge in her port side.

"Lieutenant," Evans addressed his communications officer, "instruct the Bennington to assume Basilisk's position." An identical warship cruised past Evans's line of sight, plunging itself uncaringly into the gauntlet of the RSS Argyll's firing arc. Energy and matter clashed violently, spidering luminescently off of the invisible shield protecting Bennington. She lurched, and shuddered, but still she closed the gap, and at the very moment it seemed the shields would finally cave, USS Bennington fired. And she did what Basilisk could not: she made contact. Not just any contact, but contact with a critical engine juncture.

And, as Evans knew from years of blood-soaked experience, the ship would be completely out of control for a few precious moments before auxiliary systems ignited. Sure enough, the Argyll's engines sputtered and flared, completely independently of one another, each sporadic engine burn ejecting white glittering crystals of insulation into the void. The mighty ship lumbered randomly and uselessly, completely unaware of the danger approaching. The crew, however, was not. Gun turrets strained against the bolts holding them to the hull, desperately trying to decrease their inadequate angles.

The designers of the Argyll had never intended to lose their engines. By themselves, the many guns could only cover a small fraction of the space around the ship, leaving tremendous blind spots that the ship needed to be able to turn to shoot into. Too God-damned many people died before we figured that out, Evans raged to himself, biting his knuckles. But they, and the crew of the Argyll, definitely knew it now. Without an order even given, smaller warships crept into the blind spot and rained all hell upon Argyll. Armor flash-melted, bulkheads twisted. The whole ship began to twist, and then the tension upon the structure became too great. A great split began to form from the spot that the rockets were pouring, and then the great craft wretched completely in two. Internal fires were extinguished immediately as precious air was siphoned from the ship, venting into space. Not a few bodies followed it. Evans remembered that he used to grimace at the sight of it. Escape pods began to billow from the dead warship. Evans remembered, too, that in his fits of rage he used to be frustrated that they'd left people alive. Both feelings were long since gone. Most feelings, for that matter, were gone. He'd learned that everyone in this war died. Everyone. It became impossible to cry for the faceless dead who he'd never known and had only met the fate that was inevitable in this brutal campaign. He didn't hate them anymore, either: he had, after all, come to realize that they wanted as little to do with this as he did. That they hated Admiral Derek Evans only as much as Admiral Derek Evans hated Admiral Derek Evans. It was only a job.

With the demise of Argyll, the Republic began to withdraw. They scattered to the stars, each one leaving on a different vector. They were all going to the same place, the scattering was only designed to make pursuit futile. It worked, of course. The scatter-flight might as well have been a formality. They could have left at minimum speeds and Evans would not have chased. The Republic had baited him with Argyll as part of their duties, and Evans destroyed her as part of his. It was only a job. Nevertheless, he was somewhat disappointed. He had been expecting...

"Admiral," one of the deckhands said from a console, "they've launched a personal craft. He claims to be Admiral Jenner. He wants to discuss the terms of his surrender."

...precisely that.

"Bring him aboard. I'll be in my quarters."

***

So that's it. The rest of the story follows thereafter, but that's the combat scene. I apologize if I didn't italicize a ship name, it probably does have it in the actual .rtf, it just obviously won't preserve format when it's copied over.

My chief concern is trying to strike a balance. The fight is not an integral part of the story, it just serves to set the backdrop for the meeting between Jenner and Evans. Therefore, I don't want to get to wordy with the technical details, but I also want to avoid confusion, as I've apparently done.

If the rest of the story would make anyone's job easier, I'd be glad to include it.

Thanks in advance.

[GrandMasterTerwynn]

I'm writing a science fiction short story. The space battle is at the very beginning, and inconsequential in the context of the rest of the plot, but everyone's who's read the first draft has said that the battle is confusing. If anyone with more experience could help, I'd appreciate it. It's never been a strong suit of mine.

I'll give it a scrub:

"Lieutenant," Evans addressed his communications officer, "instruct the Bennington to assume Basilisk's position."

Bennington cruised past Evans's line of sight, plunging into RSS Argyll's line of fire. Energy and matter clashed violently against the invisible shield protecting Bennington. She lurched, and shuddered, but still she closed the gap, and at the very moment it seemed the shields would finally cave, USS Bennington fired. And she did what Basilisk could not: she made contact. Not just any contact, but contact with the critical engine juncture too many of his ships died trying to breach.

Argyll's engines sputtered and flared, and the mighty ship wallowed uselessly, heedless of the approaching danger. Argyll was a ship designed to fight on the move. Lamed, she was vulnerable.

Too many Goddamned people died before we figured that out, Evans raged to himself, biting his knuckles. Today, though, there would be no escape.

Evans' ships surrounded the crippled Argyll, flaying her with vengeful hatred. Armor flashed into incandescent vapor and bulkheads buckled as she was slowly pounded into an air-bleeding, debris-shedding wreck. Some of that debris were the bodies of her crew . . . he remembered that he used to grimace at the sight.

Escape pods began to erupt from the dead warship. He watched them, remembering how he once raged that they'd left people alive in this brutal campaign. Those feelings, along with many others, were long since gone. He could neither weep for his faceless dead, nor could he hate their killers: He had come to realize that they wanted as little to do with this as he did. It was only a job, and they hated Admiral Derek Evans only as much as he hated himself.

With the demise of Argyll, the Republic began to withdraw, scattering to the stars. The Republic baited him with Argyll as part of their duties, and Evans destroyed her as part of his. It was only a job. Nevertheless, he was somewhat disappointed. He had been expecting...

"Sir," one of the deckhands said from a console, "Message from the Argyll. Admiral Jenner wants to discuss the terms of his surrender."

...precisely that.

"Bring him aboard. I'll be in my quarters."

***

I suspect that you could've scrubbed a few more distracting details and exposition from your first draft, as it seems that the main point of the scene is to establish Evans as a character and portray how he met Jenner; rather than focusing on the death of RSS Argyll, as your first draft seems be be doing.

[Qwerty 42]

I actually hadn't made the revision to second draft yet, and that's a good point: the Argyll is purely secondary in nature. I'll bear that in mind, thank you.

[Teleros]

Too God-damned many people died before we figured that out, Evans raged to himself, biting his knuckles.

I found this bit a little confusing at first: I assume having read it again that it's Evans thinking about the problem for USS ships, but reading it quickly the first time it appeared as if he was biting his knuckles over the damage to the enemy ship instead .

I suspect that you could've scrubbed a few more distracting details and exposition from your first draft, as it seems that the main point of the scene is to establish Evans as a character and portray how he met Jenner; rather than focusing on the death of RSS Argyll, as your first draft seems be be doing.

If so, then perhaps adding a little more info about Evans / Jenner to replace the stuff about the damaged Argyll, just to bulk it out. Ultimately you can always strip stuff away later on, but the short version rMT posted (364 words) seems IMHO too short.
If you do want to write about the destruction of the Argyll though, you could do it from the POV of Jenner remembering events once aboard Evans' ship (or even later, in fact).

He wants to discuss the terms of his surrender.

Wouldn't terms of surrender etc have been sorted out beforehand? I mean, if Evans brings Jenner aboard his ship, why even bother discussing the terms? Just tell him he's surrendered and dictate the terms to him: he can hardly refuse.

the ship would be completely out of control for a few precious moments before auxiliary systems ignited

The "ignited" bit is a little unclear - I assume it means "before the auxiliary systems came online" or somesuch but it could also mean something more explosive.

An identical warship cruised past Evans's line of sight

Aside from the question of distance, if I'd been writing it, then my admiral would probably have been focusing on some sort of tactical display. Perhaps even imagining the damage to the Basilisk rather than actually seeing it. It'd probably mean reworking that first line at least, but on the other hand it might offer more possibilities by allowing you to compare the relative calm of Evans' CIC with the chaos of the battle.
Finally, you might not have much in the way of fires coming from the Basilisk, depending on how badly damaged it is & how quickly they could cut off the air / gas flow to the damaged region. One of the hard sci-fi armour ideas I've seen around here though is for water tanks etc to be placed around a central crew compartment (the water would obviously have a use on the ship, but better it being lost than the crew presumably), so streams of ice crystals may be an alternative. Obviously I don't know either way what it should be as I'm not the writer, but this is just something to consider.

[RedImperator]

Clip all those adverbs out of the text, tie them up in a bag, and drown them in the river at midnight.