PREFACE
"The Bajoran Incident" was a silly megacrossover (well, a bit more like a mini megacrossover) that I wrote back around 2000 or so with a little bit of inspiration from an ASVSer known as C.S. Strowbridge. Things sort of went haywire from there.
This is a cleaned-up version with some of the wilder inaccuracies fixed. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I've actually had ten years to learn my source materials. For anyone curious to read it, the original version is on the Fanfic Archive at http://www.daltonator.net/fanfics in the Humor/WTF section.
Code: Select all
REC. LOG BEGIN
FORMAT: SCRIPT
EXT. STAR SYSTEM IN WILD SPACE
A massive ship appearing as a kilometer-long cylinder surrounded by six smaller
but still massive clamshell-headed ships cruises through empty space near a black
hole. Smaller ships BUZZ around it, firing bright RED and BLUE energy bolts. The
massive ship appears to be taking damage as shrapnel and gases VENT to space
with every hit.
INT. BRIDGE OF OUTBOUND FLIGHT, DREADNAUGHT D-ONE
There is a quiet but frantic HUSTLE to the bridge as crewmen work their stations
with grim determination. Two men, CAPTAIN JONAS AVIN and JEDI MASTER
JORUS C'BAOTH, stand at the eye of the storm. Captain Avin wears a look of
QUIET DESPERATION on his face.
AVIN
We can't take much more of this punishment.
It's almost like they know exactly where our
shield grids interact. We've already lost
turbolaser control on D-Four and six of the
fuel cells on D-Five.
C'BAOTH
Trust in the Force.
AVIN
What is that supposed to mean?
C'BAOTH
I sense a disturbance... Master Fernas, do
you think you can determine its coordinates?
JEDI MASTER FERNAS is standing in one of the crew pits, supervising the
navigation techs. He NODS.
C'BAOTH
Plot a jump to that location now.
Fernas does not need to be told a second time as a direct hit VIBRATES the
ship. He springs into action, pushing aside one of the techs and sitting down
in front of a console.
EXT. SPACE
Outbound Flight VANISHES into hyperspace.
EXT. SPACE - DEEP SPACE NINE, NEAR BAJORAN WORMHOLE
FX as WORMHOLE begins to FLARE.
INT. DS9 OPS
Business as usual in the Ops of the station.
MAJOR KIRA
Captain Sisko! The wormhole's opening!
CAPTAIN BENJAMIN SISKO
Signal Worf on the Defiant to arm torpedoes
and lock phasers on the wormhole. Whatever's
coming through isn't one of ours.
KIRA
It's transiting.
SISKO
On screen.
FX of Outbound Flight emerging from the wormhole. Sisko is speechless as
he watches the massive ship emerge.
SISKO
What is that thing?
KIRA
It doesn't match anything in our database.
I am seeing scarring and debris consistent
with battle damage.
SISKO
Maybe they're fleeing from the Dominion?
KIRA
Possible.
SISKO
Hail them. Then get a priority dispatch
out to Starfleet. They may have led the
Dominion straight to us.
INT. OUTBOUND FLIGHT BRIDGE
An UNNAMED CREW MEMBER walks up to Captain Avin and Master C'baoth.
UNNAMED CREWER
Sir, we're receiving a transmission from
the station. The droids are attempting to
translate it, but it appears to be a
standard hail.
AVIN
Send a standard reply.
UNNAMED CREWER
Yes, Sir.
INT. DS9 OPS
KIRA
We're receiving a response.
SISKO.
On screen.
KIRA
Screen on.
AVIN (Translated badly)
How are you gentlemen?
Kira and Sisko share confused looks.
SISKO
We're doing just fine. How are you?
AVIN
All your base ... are belong to us.
More confused looks are exchanged.
KIRA
What did you say?
Avin pauses, blinks several times, then speaks again.
AVIN
You... are on the way to destruction.
SISKO
Is that a threat?
Avin SHAKES his head emphatically.
AVIN
You have... no chance... to survive.
Make your time.
SISKO
That sounds like a threat to me. Worf,
fire a warning shot.
AVIN
Wait! Our hovercraft is full of eels!
Kira steps off to the side of the screen.
KIRA
Where are these clowns from?
SISKO
I don't know, but I'm sick of them.
AVIN
I will not buy this disk. It is scratched.
Everyone in Ops exchanges confused glances.
SISKO
We didn't sell you anything.
AVIN
You have beautiful thighs.
Sisko's expression changes to one of disgust.
SISKO
I hope for your own sake you didn't
mean what you just said.
Captain Avin turns around and starts shouting at someone off-screen.
AVIN
I'm sorry. Can you understand me now?
SISKO
I think so.
Avin sighs in relief.
AVIN
If I said you had a beautiful body, would
you hold it against me?
Sisko and Kira exchange worried looks.
SISKO
It's still broken.
Avin turns and shouts some unintelligible obscenities off-screen.
AVIN
How about now?
SISKO
... maybe?
Captain Avin glares off-screen before continuing.
AVIN
Apparently someone thought it would be
funny to use a Hungarian translation
database.
SISKO
... you know Hungarian?
AVIN
Never mind. Who are you?
SISKO
I am Captain Benjamin Sisko, commander of
the Federation station Deep Space Nine.
Who are you?
AVIN
Captain Jonas Avin of the Outbound Flight.
SISKO
Outbound Flight?
AVIN
Long story. We were on a test run and came
under fire. The Project's administrator decided
to make a hyperjump and then we wound up here.
SISKO
Who attacked you?
AVIN
I think it was the Trade Federation.
SISKO
Trade Federation? Are you sure it wasn't
the Dominion?
KIRA (interrupting)
Captain, the wormhole is opening again...
SISKO
Captain Avin, we'll be right back. Kira, on
screen.
The view on screen changes to show a giant donut-shaped ship emerging
from the wormhole.
SISKO
That doesn't look like the Dominion either.
KIRA
The ship is approximately three kilometers
in diameter... and if Outbound Flight is
anything to go by, it's armed to the teeth.
SISKO
Put Avin back on.
Kira nods.
SISKO
Do you recognize them?
AVIN
Yes. That's the Trade Federation ship.
SISKO (to Kira)
Kira, hail them.
He turns back to Avin.
SISKO
Did they say why they were attacking you?
AVIN
Not really.
SISKO
Well, let's see if we can make them see
reason.
KIRA
I'm receiving a reply from the other ship.
SISKO
On screen.
The screen CHANGES to show a blue-skinned humanoid with short-cropped,
jet black hair and glowing red eyes. Sisko frowns and glances over at Kira.
SISKO (aside)
An Andorian-human hybrid? I thought that
wasn't possible.
SISKO
I am Captain Benjamin Sisko, commander of
Deep Space Nine. With whom am I speaking?
HUMANOID
I am Commander Mitth'raw'nuruodo of the Chiss
Expansionary Defense Force.
SISKO
Ah... thank you, Commander Mitth... raw...
nurado. Why are you attacking the Outbound
Flight?
MITTH'RAW'NURUODO
Please, call me by my core name... Thrawn.
SISKO
Commander Thrawn. My question, please.
THRAWN
They trespassed on Chiss territory. I am
sworn to defend the Chiss Ascendancy against
any outside threats.
SISKO
You say you're from the Chiss Ascendancy. Do
you know what the Trade Federation is?
THRAWN
A collection of sniveling, spineless cowards.
SISKO
If that was so, why would someone say they
had been attacked by them?
THRAWN
Perhaps because this ship was formerly
one of their so-called battleships.
SISKO
... formerly?
THRAWN
Yes. It is now the property of the Chiss
Ascendancy.
VOICE (O.S.)
(high and shrill)
That was not part of the agreement!
Thrawn glances off-screen before turning his attention back to the screen.
SISKO
Well, you are now in Federation territory.
I trust you will not cause hostilities.
THRAWN
You say that you do not know of the Trade
Federation, yet you claim this is Federation
territory. What Federation is this?
SISKO
This is the United Federation of Planets.
THRAWN
I see.
KIRA (O.S.)
Captain?
SISKO
Yes?
KIRA
I hate to say this... but the wormhole's
opening again...
SISKO
Who or what is it this time?
EXT. SPACE, WORMHOLE
A flat SAUCER begins to emerge from the wormhole.
INT. DS9 OPS
KIRA
(speechless)
It's... ah... it's the Enterprise.
SISKO
What?
KIRA
NCC-1701.
SISKO
Why wasn't I notified that Picard went
through the wormhole?
Kira sighs and changes the view on screen.
SISKO
Ahhh.
(a beat)
Is it the U.S.S. Enterprise or the I.S.S.
Enterprise?
KIRA
U.S.S., sir. We're being hailed.
SISKO
On screen.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK appears.
KIRK
This is Captain... James... T. Kirk...
of the Federation... starship Enterprise.
SISKO
(sighs)
I am Captain Benjamin Sisko of the
Federation space station Deep Space Nine.
It's an honor to meet you, Captain.
Kirk frowns.
KIRK
I don't believe... we've met.
SISKO
No, we haven't. What stardate is it?
Kirk is SURPRISED at the request.
KIRK
Stardate 4811 point five.
SISKO
(nodding)
The current stardate is 48961 point six.
KIRK
(thinking)
You mean... we're in... the 2370s?
SISKO
2371, to be exact.
KIRK
Why am... I talking... like this?
SISKO
You always did in the historical documents.
KIRK
Historical... documents?
SISKO
Kira, play the historical documents.
KIRA
Computer, play historical documents.
On the viewscreen, the lettering "Star Trek" appears accompanied by the familiar
theme song. The episode turns out to be "The Trouble with Tribbles." Cut to the
end of the episode to imply that the cast watched the whole thing.
KIRK
That actor... is such... a ham.
SISKO
If you say so.
KIRK
So anyway... Captain Sisko... what seems...
to be... the problem here?
SISKO
I would say this is Q's idea of a colossal
joke.
KIRK
Q?
SISKO
Right. Sorry. I don't think you've met him
yet. Annoying, puts on airs, meddles in the
affairs of mortals, tampers with space and time.
With a blinding FLASH, Q appears on the bridge of the Enterprise, dressed in
an appropriate gold uniform from the period.
Q
Well, the Sisko got most of it right. Although I
do have to disagree about the 'annoying' and
'puts on airs' bits.
KIRK
Who are you... and what... are you doing...
on my ship?
Q
Mon ami, capitan. I am Q, at your service.
KIRK
Is this... your idea... of a... joke?
Q
Oh no, mon capitan. I had nothing to do with
this situation.
SISKO
Well, can you shed some light on the situation at
least?
Q
Ah... the Sisko. Why don't you go ask your friends
in the wormhole? I'm sure they are in the mood
for conversation right now. I would be too, if a
three kilometer battleship just went through my
colon.
ALL
Eeewww.
KIRK
That's... got to leave... a mark.
Q
The wormhole's so big now, they could have a party
inside!
ALL
Eew.
SISKO
Spare us the visuals, Q.
Q
I'm sorry... did I offend someone's child-like
sensibilities?
SISKO
Q!
Q
Fine. Maybe someone else will have a better
sense of humor.
Q vanishes in another flash of light.
SISKO
Well, that certainly didn't explain anything.
KIRA
Captain...
SISKO
What, there's a giant tentacled monstrosity
coming out now?
KIRA
How did you know?
Sisko does a DOUBLE-TAKE at the viewscreen before shooting the Major a glare.
SISKO
Don't do that.
KIRA
You said it, not me.
SISKO (sighs)
Who is it now?
KIRA
Would you be surprised if I said it doesn't
match anything in the computer?
SISKO
I wouldn't be surprised if a conga line of
giant dancing space robots came out right now.
Put it on screen.
The screen changes to show a vaguely phallic vessel with outriggers emerging.
The ship is similar in length to the Outbound Flight but much more flat and
narrow.
SISKO
This is Captain Sisko of Deep Space Nine.
Who are you?
A middle-aged human appears on screen.
MAN
I am Commander Adama of the Battlestar
Galactica. Where is the rest of my fleet?
SISKO
... fleet?
ADAMA
Over a dozen starships, carrying the survivors
of humanity in search of the lost Thirteenth
Colony?
SISKO (aside)
Where do these people keep coming from?
KIRA
Wormhole again...
SISKO
I'm human, you're human, welcome to the
thirteenth colony. Take a number and get in
line.
Kira changes the screen.
SISKO
This is Captain Sisko. Who are you?
MAN 2
I am Commander Adama of the Battlestar
Galactica.
Sisko rubs his eyes and turns to Kira.
SISKO
I thought you changed to the new ship?
KIRA (quiet)
This is the new ship.
SISKO
How could that be? I just talked to him.
KIRA
The ship has a similar design to the other
Galactica, but appears to have suffered
more battle damage.
SISKO
You mean to tell me that the wormhole now
jumps to the mirror universe too?
ADAMA
What are you all talking about? Mirror
universes?
SISKO
Sorry. It seems your dopplegangers are here
already.
ADAMA
Our whatsits?
SISKO
Kira, patch both in. Commander Adama, meet
Commander Adama.
BOTH ADAMAS (simultaneously)
Is this some sort of joke?
SISKO
You have no idea.
Both Adamas start speaking rapidly. Sisko makes a slicing motion to Kira,
who changes the viewscreen back to the wormhole.
SISKO
That should keep them occupied for a while.
END ACT I.
