Need Help With Inspirational Speeches

[Caiaphas]

Right, so I've been attempting to write up an inspirational speech for a story I've been working on, but every single person I've sent copies to for reviews so far has said it needs work, but have been unable to define precisely what needs work. Can anyone here help?

The situation is basically this: a new world war has sparked up, and all the countries of the world have been left battered, bruised, and severely weakened. A new (extrasolar) threat then pops in, wipes out Russia and most of Asia in a week from orbit, but is forced to deploy ground forces after three nuclear ICBMs manage to initiate near the thing. And yes, I know alien invasions are overrated.

The ground forces still do a good job of wiping out every single force that is sent against them, and have located and destroyed most of the massive bunkers constructed pre-WWIII to house significant portions of the populations of their respective countries. One of the last ones is currently being occupied by a good, division-sized group of infantry and armor, which by chance happens to be near the landing spot of the alien craft. Most of them are too afraid to go out and attempt to destroy/capture/something the craft, but a few are trying to rally them to action.

We are soldiers, first and foremost. Our duties are twofold: protect the state and protect the people. We've failed in the first duty.

But does that mean that we can neglect the second duty? Does that mean that we can leave what is left of humanity to its fate? No, I say, no! It's our last chance to redeem ourself!

We are sitting on our asses, doing nothing, while above us, those alien bastards tramp all over the ruins of London, while we could be out there doing something! Most of Asia has fallen. The only thing left of China is a corner of the east coast, and they were on the verge of collapse last I heard. All of North America from the west coast to the Appalachians has fallen, and New York is nothing more than a smoldering crater. For god's sake, the Second Attack on Pearl Harbor obliterated most of the island! All of Europe has been destroyed, and northern Africa is taken. There are a few divisions' worth of troops down in South Africa, but they will fall soon. There are something on the order of five or six nuclear submarines that have survived, and none have nukes. We, by some chance of fate, have survived relatively intact. We, by some chance of fate, have been given the tools and the opportunity to strike back instead of retreat.

There are no more lanes of retreat! There are no more places to hide! I don't give a damn if that ship upstairs wasn't even scratched by three nukes! I don't give a damn if the enemy outnumbers us ten, twenty, thirty to one! I'm going down swinging! I'm going to make them remember that Earth resisted them to the last! I'm going to make them pay in blood for this planet! We are going to make them pay!

Here we are going to stop them! Here we are going to water the earth with blood! Here we ensure that others may live! Here we fulfill the oaths we swore when we were given the privilege of calling ourselves soldiers! Here they fall! And those bastards will never again come near this place for fear!

We will lose the war! We may lose this battle! But dammit, we are going to die on our own terms. And the terms are this: they die as we die; they run as we advance; and they bleed as we have bled!

Not for a fatherland do we fight; not for a motherland or an ideal; not for any gods or God; not for democracy, not for any of that. We fight for humanity! And today, we fight so that they remember us a thousand years from now as demons that cut them down even as they died! Who's with me?

Could I please get some help debugging this? Thanks.

[CaptainChewbacca]

Right, so I've been attempting to write up an inspirational speech for a story I've been working on, but every single person I've sent copies to for reviews so far has said it needs work, but have been unable to define precisely what needs work. Can anyone here help?

Alright, so the problem is your speech turned into a plot summary. This is England, and they know they're well and truly boned. You had too many specifics, and not enough hope. They KNOW they're going to die, but they need to hope that they might not. They don't need to know what happened to Pearl Harbor, or about divisions in South Africa.

That being said, I tried to maintain the meat of your speech while giving it a bit of a hopeful, defiant twist. I borrowed heavily from Henry V, so this might do well as a speech being given by a prince or other noble:

What’s the matter with you all? Are we soldiers or what? We’ve got just two jobs to do; Protect the state, and protect the people, and judging from how much smoke is in the sky, I’d say we fucked up job one!

Who wants to fail a second time? Are we going to let what’s left of the human race get wiped off the map? Not me!

Here we are, hiding down in the dark crying for our mommies while those alien bastards are mucking up the whole city, from Parliament to Piccadilly! We’ve got to get out there and do something!

Asia’s done, China hasn’t got long left. The Yanks aren’t coming, not this time. The Continent is destroyed, the only thing coming through the chunnel ever again is water. Johannesburg may have a go of it, but its down to us and a few scraps of the navy. We, however, have survived unscathed. England, alone among all others, has the good sweet ground upon which to stand and fight back.

There is no retreat here, for where can we run but to our homes? And who here would fight for our homes but us? I don’t give a damn what didn’t beat that ship, because I wouldn’t trade a single Englishman for a thousand missiles. Here we will fight, and make them pay!

We have but few divisions, but I say that is enough, because no force in creation is mightier than the valor I see in the hearts of my countrymen I see before me. We will stop them here and now, upholding the oaths we swore to protect our homes. And one day, perhaps, they will remember us, for England will live on as long as one heart and one mind still carry our legend, and remember on this day we stood for humanity, as one people and one nation and one cry that shall not be silenced!

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers and sisters here will fight this day, and we shall win. For I say that this is not our final day, this is NOT England’s final day, and this SHALL NOT BE THE LAST DAY ON EARTH!

WHO’S WITH ME?!

[Tritio]

Hello there Caiaphas,

Well, the first impression that I got was that the speech was too long winded. Who is the speaker? Under what circumstances is this guy delivering the speech and who is he talking to? If all the troops were assembled and ready to go kick alien ass, then he might adopt a more fiery rhetoric "They nuked London! They glassed Paris! Kill them all!". But if he's in the process of rallying disheartened troops and getting them to join him, then he might adopt a more reasoned approach "All these civilians depend on us. Who will protect them if not us?".

Regarding the length, you might want to chop out the third paragraph detailing the damage to China/America/Europe and work on the assumption that in general, everyone is more or less aware of how dire the situation is. That portion sounds like narrating via the speech. All that information can be presented in some other form to the reader.

Additionally, the speaker sounds too defeatist. He starts by saying they failed to protect the state, goes on to remind everyone that three nukes didn't even scratch the alien ship, that the enemy might outnumber them, water the earth with our blood, lose the war, lose the battle, etc etc. What the hell is he trying to do? That's the kind of idiocy that would make people feel worse, not better. Self preservation is a strong instinct, and not everyone wants to go out in a blaze of glory.

You could try drawing inspiration from other speeches:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

"I am William Wallace. And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as free men. And free man you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"
"Two thousand against ten?" - the veteran shouted. "No! We will run - and live!"
"Yes!" Wallace shouted back. "Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!"

[Caiaphas]

Asia’s done, China hasn’t got long left. The Yanks aren’t coming, not this time. The Continent is destroyed, the only thing coming through the chunnel ever again is water. Johannesburg may have a go of it, but its down to us and a few scraps of the navy. We, however, have survived unscathed. England, alone among all others, has the good sweet ground upon which to stand and fight back.

Only problem is that the mothership's landed in London only after bombarding most of it into dust. So how would I modify the speech accordingly for this part? Should I just say something along the lines of "for the first time in a thousand years, an enemy stands upon the soil of our Island blah blah blah kill aliens?"

Additionally, the speaker sounds too defeatist.

Does he? I was under the impression that he was reminding them of how much they'd lost (thus the "we're going to pay them back" part later) and that he was also reminding them of how little they had to lose by going out. Huh. I'll look into that.

Regarding the length, you might want to chop out the third paragraph detailing the damage to China/America/Europe and work on the assumption that in general, everyone is more or less aware of how dire the situation is.

But if they were relatively recent developments that the majority didn't know about yet, would it still be okay to keep it?

He starts by saying they failed to protect the state.

I was trying to have him shame them into action. So I should stick to one main method of encouragement into action?

I'll see if I can't get another version up with the modifications in. Thanks.

[CaptainChewbacca]

Only problem is that the mothership's landed in London only after bombarding most of it into dust. So how would I modify the speech accordingly for this part? Should I just say something along the lines of "for the first time in a thousand years, an enemy stands upon the soil of our Island blah blah blah kill aliens?"

I guess I misunderstood your context. If you can make 1000 years work, go for it.

Does he? I was under the impression that he was reminding them of how much they'd lost (thus the "we're going to pay them back" part later) and that he was also reminding them of how little they had to lose by going out. Huh. I'll look into that.

He actually says 'we will lose the war' in the second-to-last paragraph. You might've meant 'may', but you didn't write that.

But if they were relatively recent developments that the majority didn't know about yet, would it still be okay to keep it?

Why's it matter? Nobody cares, and he's not doing the news, weather, and sports. In the context, it makes things sound WORSE, and not in a good way.

I was trying to have him shame them into action. So I should stick to one main method of encouragement into action?

Yes. 'Failed to protect the state' sounds like something a political commissar says right before summary execution of unpolitical dissidents. We're building up, because they're already broken down.

[Caiaphas]

If you can make 1000 years work, go for it.

1066. If I can remember correctly, it's the last year in which England was successfully invaded. I think.

He actually says 'we will lose the war' in the second-to-last paragraph.

Whoops.

We're building up, because they're already broken down.

Huh? What exactly are you attempting say here?

Thanks.

[CaptainChewbacca]

I'm saying that you don't need to shame them. They're already ashamed and know they failed, you need to convince them that they can get past the failure.

[Tritio]

Does he? I was under the impression that he was reminding them of how much they'd lost (thus the "we're going to pay them back" part later) and that he was also reminding them of how little they had to lose by going out. Huh. I'll look into that.

That might actually backfire. If they rest of the world couldn't stop the Aliens, who are they to try? Anyone still alive has something very important to lose; their own life, and self-preservation is a strong motivation to run and hide.

But if they were relatively recent developments that the majority didn't know about yet, would it still be okay to keep it

As CaptainChewbacca mentioned, a leader in that position would probably want to keep that thought at the back of people's minds rather than bring it out and remind everyone that they're screwed.

I was trying to have him shame them into action. So I should stick to one main method of encouragement into action

What the leader needs to provide is hope. Hope that what they do might make a difference. If not for the rest of the world, then at least the families and the people they are protecting. That is a good motivation.

[Korgeta]

Right, so I've been attempting to write up an inspirational speech for a story I've been working on, but every single person I've sent copies to for reviews so far has said it needs work, but have been unable to define precisely what needs work. Can anyone here help?

The situation is basically this: a new world war has sparked up, and all the countries of the world have been left battered, bruised, and severely weakened. A new (extrasolar) threat then pops in, wipes out Russia and most of Asia in a week from orbit, but is forced to deploy ground forces after three nuclear ICBMs manage to initiate near the thing. And yes, I know alien invasions are overrated.

The ground forces still do a good job of wiping out every single force that is sent against them, and have located and destroyed most of the massive bunkers constructed pre-WWIII to house significant portions of the populations of their respective countries. One of the last ones is currently being occupied by a good, division-sized group of infantry and armor, which by chance happens to be near the landing spot of the alien craft. Most of them are too afraid to go out and attempt to destroy/capture/something the craft, but a few are trying to rally them to action.

We are soldiers, first and foremost. Our duties are twofold: protect the state and protect the people. We've failed in the first duty.

But does that mean that we can neglect the second duty? Does that mean that we can leave what is left of humanity to its fate? No, I say, no! It's our last chance to redeem ourself!

We are sitting on our asses, doing nothing, while above us, those alien bastards tramp all over the ruins of London, while we could be out there doing something! Most of Asia has fallen. The only thing left of China is a corner of the east coast, and they were on the verge of collapse last I heard. All of North America from the west coast to the Appalachians has fallen, and New York is nothing more than a smoldering crater. For god's sake, the Second Attack on Pearl Harbor obliterated most of the island! All of Europe has been destroyed, and northern Africa is taken. There are a few divisions' worth of troops down in South Africa, but they will fall soon. There are something on the order of five or six nuclear submarines that have survived, and none have nukes. We, by some chance of fate, have survived relatively intact. We, by some chance of fate, have been given the tools and the opportunity to strike back instead of retreat.

There are no more lanes of retreat! There are no more places to hide! I don't give a damn if that ship upstairs wasn't even scratched by three nukes! I don't give a damn if the enemy outnumbers us ten, twenty, thirty to one! I'm going down swinging! I'm going to make them remember that Earth resisted them to the last! I'm going to make them pay in blood for this planet! We are going to make them pay!

Here we are going to stop them! Here we are going to water the earth with blood! Here we ensure that others may live! Here we fulfill the oaths we swore when we were given the privilege of calling ourselves soldiers! Here they fall! And those bastards will never again come near this place for fear!

We will lose the war! We may lose this battle! But dammit, we are going to die on our own terms. And the terms are this: they die as we die; they run as we advance; and they bleed as we have bled!

Not for a fatherland do we fight; not for a motherland or an ideal; not for any gods or God; not for democracy, not for any of that. We fight for humanity! And today, we fight so that they remember us a thousand years from now as demons that cut them down even as they died! Who's with me?

Could I please get some help debugging this? Thanks.

Time and situation is important.

The alien forces have put china and russia to the sword. What i think is the issue with the text is that it's too long for a speech, espacilly if time is urgent and you want to get the troops going. I think starting off the text with saying that every other country is buggared and that there is no hope. I don't think there's anything worse for a solider to hear then to listen to his own CO saying there is essenitally nothing to gain, we will lose the war yet their actions will allow others to live? Who will the soliders ask, who are they going to die fighting for? Humanity? What humanity if the human race is on the verge of surrender? There is shame and there is total dislluisonment. From what i understand the odds are stacked against them, you should write the speech in a way that their numbers do mean something, appeal to the brotherhood amongst them.

The speech needs to be short, the first half of the text is something the soliders would be aware of, that they are alone.

I actually liked the suggestion from captainchewbacca. with the follwing quote.

What’s the matter with you all? Are we soldiers or what? We’ve got just two jobs to do; Protect the state, and protect the people, and judging from how much smoke is in the sky, I’d say we fucked up job one!

Who wants to fail a second time? Are we going to let what’s left of the human race get wiped off the map? Not me!

If the speech was broken up, starts off with What’s the matter with you all? leave a pause for the troops to take in what was said follwed by We are soldiers! We’ve got just two jobs to do; Protect the state, and protect the people In an assertive tone, remind the troops who they are and despite the odds what they are fighting 'morally' for.

Now adding a joke or a matter-of-fact can work or backfire. I would change the follwing to. We are soliders of (insert name of the regiment their in to remind them of their history and self pride and worth) We are the ones who our freinds and families salute to. We are the men and women who took an oath to the (king/Queen) to the country and to them. They are the ones who we know will remeber us as we leave to go out there from now. They will wear the Poppy on their chest, they will carry the bouquets to not here, but out there to (name of area) where we will be and where we must be. I know what awaits us, we all do. I also know that some of us may even be standing with our loved ones in time to remeber where we were. And remember those who are to remebered. We will be there (at name of area)

This could be sut a bit but i think this is the kind of angle you need to be striking at. I think repetition is an important device to use for this.

[Alyx]

If I got it right, the sequence of events goes like this:

1. WW3 breaks out. >> world is f****d.
2. Aliens start with orbital bombardement >> world gets even more f****d.
3. Humans start shooting back >>> aliens start with ground deployment.
4. With the ground troops the aliens start hitting the underground bunkers - main population centers of the surviving humanity.
5. The alien ground troops smash anything that humans throw in their way.
6. We are in some sort of millitary base, where the protagonist tries to rally the men.

I still don't get, what the hell happened, when the humans started shooting back? Did the ICMB's actually do some damage to the alien spacecraft? What does the protagonist want to achieve with this speech? What does he know about the situation in general? Why would they succeed where Russians, Chinese and Americans failed? Does he know something, which will give them a fighting chance? Does he have a plan of action?

In my opinion all these questions need to be dealt with, preferably before the speech. I agree with Korgeta, that the speech needs to be short (no longer than the quoted Braveheart & ID speeches) and that the soldiers need an attainable goal.

If the goal was to be the destruction of the alien ground force, you could rework the whole "unbeatable alien ground force" angle to something more in terms with "chinese found the weakness, russians and the yanks softened them up and it's up to us to finish the job" or you could make the final goal about the evacuation of the civilian population.


Any case, hope this helps ... good luck.

[drakensis]

If you can make 1000 years work, go for it.

1066. If I can remember correctly, it's the last year in which England was successfully invaded. I think.

Not strictly true, but most English gloss over all the other invasions since. 1688 was the last one to succeed.

Well we're having a hell of a week. Can't say what's going on with the rest of the world. Points east aren't talking to anyone and as for the western hemisphere, well, have you ever known a yank to shut up? Not that they're saying anything useful.

There's a bit of a tradition that I'd like to remind you of. Some people say that it's the Royal Navy that protects England. Wooden walls and all that. I beg to differ. England's been invaded by the sea a lot. That didn't stop because of the Navy. It stopped because of men in redcoats carrying bayonets. Because those men marched across the world and rammed civilisation down the throats of entire continents.

Those buggers up there seem to think we're done. Not the first time some one got that idea into their heads. They think they've got us on the run.

Well, you've heard the old speech. All of us have. 'We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender'. Same then, as it is now.

They have a ship on the ground, where we can get at it. It's a forlorn hope, storming a fortress. It's going to be bloody dangerous as such things are. We all know that. We also know that British soldiers have done that before.

And now we're going to do it one more time.

[Eddie Van Helsing]

What about something like this?

Most of you have somebody you cherish down there in those bunkers. Wives, children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends -- it doesn't matter who they are. What matters is that they're counting on you. What matters is that I am counting on you. What matters is that the men beside you are counting on you.

I swore an oath to fight to the death for Queen and country, just like all of you. None of us can defeat those bastards alone. But if we stand together and fight, we can keep our oaths. We can save the people who matter to us. We can win, and we can make those alien bastards pay for having the bloody temerity to invade our planet!

Those aliens don't know what they've gotten themselves into. We're the bloody human race. We eradicated smallpox. We'll eradicate these sons of bitches, because that's what humans do. Everything that tries to kill off homo sapiens goes extinct! That is why we're the dominant fucking species on planet Earth! You know the mission. You know the stakes. Now let's get out there and show them what it means to be human.

[declan]

We are soldiers, first and foremost. Our duties are twofold: protect the state and protect the people. We've failed in the first duty.

Identify them, remind them what regiment that they are.

But does that mean that we can neglect the second duty? Does that mean that we can leave what is left of humanity to its fate? No, I say, no! It's our last chance to redeem ourself!

Quote their lineage as far back as it goes, battle honors , regimental commanders etc.

[quote="Caiaphas]We are sitting on our asses, doing nothing, while above us, those alien bastards tramp all over the ruins of London, while we could be out there doing something! Most of Asia has fallen. The only thing left of China is a corner of the east coast, and they were on the verge of collapse last I heard. All of North America from the west coast to the Appalachians has fallen, and New York is nothing more than a smoldering crater. For god's sake, the Second Attack on Pearl Harbor obliterated most of the island! All of Europe has been destroyed, and northern Africa is taken. There are a few divisions' worth of troops down in South Africa, but they will fall soon. There are something on the order of five or six nuclear submarines that have survived, and none have nukes. We, by some chance of fate, have survived relatively intact. We, by some chance of fate, have been given the tools and the opportunity to strike back instead of retreat.[/quote]

Mission statement here, procede to objective and kick ET's ass back to the blackhole they came from

There are no more lanes of retreat! There are no more places to hide! I don't give a damn if that ship upstairs wasn't even scratched by three nukes! I don't give a damn if the enemy outnumbers us ten, twenty, thirty to one! I'm going down swinging! I'm going to make them remember that Earth resisted them to the last! I'm going to make them pay in blood for this planet! We are going to make them pay!

Here we are going to stop them! Here we are going to water the earth with blood! Here we ensure that others may live! Here we fulfill the oaths we swore when we were given the privilege of calling ourselves soldiers! Here they fall! And those bastards will never again come near this place for fear!

We will lose the war! We may lose this battle! But dammit, we are going to die on our own terms. And the terms are this: they die as we die; they run as we advance; and they bleed as we have bled!

Not for a fatherland do we fight; not for a motherland or an ideal; not for any gods or God; not for democracy, not for any of that. We fight for humanity! And today, we fight so that they remember us a thousand years from now as demons that cut them down even as they died! Who's with me?

Too much your all gonna die, the sane guys are gonna frag this officer and head off to the hills, before marvin the martian lights up the earth with the big gun and the earth shattering kaaboom.

Declan

[Mayabird]

Two month thread necromancy, so locky locky. Though I will reopen the thread if the author requests it.
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