Unnamed Porno Fanfic From Shep, Falkenhorst, and Fanboy

[Darth Fanboy]

There must be an OFFICIAL UPF sequel, titled....Unnamed Pony Fanfic; which features the dark secret of the Poniez' secret genocide against the Care Bears and Smurfs in order to gain dominance over the minds of impressionable young girls, after they stomped Rainbow Brite to death one night in the 1980s.

They were ruthless in their Purge of the Snorks.

[Sidewinder]

There must be an OFFICIAL UPF sequel, titled....Unnamed Pony Fanfic; which features the dark secret of the Poniez' secret genocide against the Care Bears and Smurfs in order to gain dominance over the minds of impressionable young girls, after they stomped Rainbow Brite to death one night in the 1980s.

They were ruthless in their Purge of the Snorks.

Mind if I write a story where a Transformer-Gobot mercenary group exterminate some of the more annoying 80s cartoon characters, such as snarfs and cartoon Ewoks, while on their way to a Draka smackdown? (Note: I currently don't intend to post this story under Unnamed Porno Fanfic.)

[Darth Fanboy]

Make a poll in testing.

[Darth Fanboy]

UNNAMED PONY FANFIC Part II: WHERE IS RON MEXICO?

The cutest pinkest pony ever sniffed the ground at her feet, a sweet substance coated the blades of grass in front of her.

"Cake!" She cired out. It was close by too. Her eyes scanned the horizon as she saw it, a piece of delicious cake sitting on a bed of grass just a few hundred yards away. While not as fast as her friend Rainbow, who was inconspicuously absent at this moment, she could always run fast for cake.

Her muscles strained as hard as they could and Pinky Pony's grin widened as she drew nearer to the delicious confection, but when she was less than a step away, a mere heartbeat from fulfilling her tastebuds' desire, the ground gave way beneat the pile of grass. It was a very loose layer of grass covering a large hole. Pinky Pony's front legs were insufficient to the task of grabbing and clutching the sides before she fell to the bottom, where a multitude of spikes carved from the bones of Rainbow Pony.

From behind a nearby patch of tall shrubs, Shep and Falk looked out. "I think we got one." Falk said. Running over, they looked down to see the horribly mangled and impaled pony twisting and twitching on the sharpened bones of her friend, her violent thrashing jostled the crude spikes free from their position but did not remove them from her body as a copious amount of blood poured from each wound.

"To paraphrase the great Paulie Walnuts, Falkie, she's fucked up." Shep remarked as he lowered himself into the pit.

"Hey Shep one problem, you know how we're supposed to eat that gland-thingy to gain the abilities. How do we know what fucking powers this one has? What if we eat this shit and end up with the ability to jizz gummi worms or some shit like that?" Falk folded his arms like a smartass.

"Unlike you numbnuts," Shep retorted, "I've been studying our prey these last few days. This one i've been keeping my eye on, apparently it can see the future at random intervals. Not what we are looking for but certainly more useful than that last one who tossed a rope and talked like she had a cock in her mouth."

Falk was excited at the prospect of being able to see the future. "Hey this ones mind, if we keep these powers i'll make a fucking mint from my bookie."

"Are you sure Falk? I mean you might sometimes see the future but this one might make you pretty fuckin stupid also."

"Shep my boy, if stupidity was a superpower then you and I and those idiots we left behind to run the business while we are gone are the fucking Justice League."

. . .

Darth Fanboy had done a great many things in his life, breaking the sound barrier without use of a personal vehicle was not one of them. Neither was leaving a glowing streak with the entire color spectrum glowing from his ass, but that was less of an ability and more of a side effect.

He had already killed a multitude of ponies, increasing his strength and agility incrementally but few of them were of any note. He was the fucking Sylar of Equestria. But as he sought out his next victim something else caught his eye that deserved a further look. Landing in a small meadow, he kept low to the ground.

"I see you you know, you don't need to crawl." Came a soft feminine voice. "I can't have you gallivanting around like a Kangaroo."

Fanboy stood, perplexed by the saying. "Kangaroo?"

A young girl, human in appearance, stepped into view. "Yes, have you never heard that phrase before? It's from 'Mary Poppins'."

. . .


"I, MIKE WONG, DECLARE THAT HEAVEN AND HELL DO NOT EXIST AND THAT THE END OF YOUR LIVES IS THE END OF YOUR EXISTENCE!"

"Balls!" Yelled Satan Mekatrig as he nudged the yoke on his fighter, which in turn was shot down by another fighter from behind.

"NO, NO MORE FUCKING BALLS!" Yelled Captain Mayabird of the Zeon Armed Forces. She was taked with enforcing a moratorium under Zeon Law by which the glorification of Non-Zeon military forces could not be allowed to manifest within her sector, the offense was punishable by TERRIFYINGLY HUGE ASS NAVAL ATOMIC STRIKE Missiles (T.H.A.N.A.S Missiles for short) designed to deliver maximum oppression. Confident that the deed was done, she made haste back to her unit's base, where her restraining bolt-fitted man-toy awaited his punishment for forgetting to remember their 83 1/2 week anniversary.

. . .


AND NOW A SECRET BEHIND THE SCENES PEEK AT THE FINAL CHAPTER OF *STARCROSSED!*


James T Kirk pulled his mighty rod from the warmth of his lover, the Princess Leia Organa, and sprayed a massive load that coated her chin and chest. Reaching back he undid his corset, which had become soaked with belly sweat, and tossed it into a corner of the room. His bloated belly as moist as a wet blanket. Unable to support himself any more he collapsed onto the female form in front of him, inadvertantly falling onto the pool of sperm he had left on her. Smelling the salty wet concoction, he sat up straight, realizing his mistake, when he came to another realization also.

Below him, wearing the metal slave bikini he had bought for Leia Organa, was a being that somehow looked human but whose face lacked some of the finer details a normal human would possess.

"Who the fuck are you?" Kirk angrily demanded.

Sheepishly, the shapeshifter confessed. "Odo."

. . .

"Well, are you psychic yet?" Shep asked.

"Give it a minute" Falk said. "I think when I fried it over the fire it makes it take longer to kick in."

Shep cursed and kicked dirt at his comrade. "I told you to eat it like Fanboy did, (that's what she said), you fuckstick! All that extra pus or whatever it is makes a difference!"

Falk spit in Shep's direction. "Bite me, you stupid shit. I hope you look up so that bird has the chance to shit in your mouth."

Puzzled, Shep looked to the sky. "I don't see a goddamn......HURRRRRK!"

Shep gagged and coughed, finally mustering the energy to vomit profusely as the slimy green and brown bird shit attempted to make its way down his esophagus. The bird had been passing overhead at the exact perfect moment. Falk laughed so hard that he fell over laughing, but stopped long enough to have a realization. "Hey i'm kinda psychic now! Fuckin' A!"

"G...gack...good for you asshole." Shep said as he attempted to purge his stomach again, scared that diseased avian feces still inhabited his digestive tract.

[Mayabird]

"NO, NO MORE FUCKING BALLS!" Yelled Captain Mayabird

EXACTLY!
[line 2]

[Steve]

LOL

[Darth Fanboy]

UNNAMED PONY FANFIC Part III: APONYLYPSE NOW

Darth Fanboy, slayer of bongloads, destroyer of kegs, and the conqueror of almost every major hallucinogen known to man, had seen a great many things. Perky little goth girls with skin as pale as moonlight were not among the most unique. But he knew somewhere in his head that his sight betrayed him.

Not to mention the fact that he had seen her before.

Most of the time it would be the glance across the room of a crowded bar, or in the hustle and bustle of a crowded street. But sometimes he would spot her on the battlefield, or in the midst of a high speed chase. Until now, Fanboy just thought goth girls looked alike and really liked floppy hats, but now he was starting to get the insane feeling, was this the same girl each time?

"Probably just the unicorn adrenaline talking.", he thought as he turned around to speed away.

"Oh not so fast my friend," the girl said, and just like that Fanboy was paralyzed in an instant and unable to move as if frozen in time. She circled him. "We're outside time now, it's how i'm able to meet everyone as they move from one existence to the next. Your brain has actually stopped right now, which means all that nasty stuff you have inside of you isn't affecting your judgment. There's no persona here, no ego...just the two of us."

Fanboy was overcome by a feeling of intense sobriety, in between binges he was normally accustomed to a hangover effect that would fell mere mortals. The clarity he felt was different than he was used to, he was alert and perceptive. His senses were functioning at their peak, and his thoughts were coherent and organized as he processed his situation.

He hated it.

The girl moved closer and waved her hand. "You're free to move here, but keep in mind while i'm not reading your thoughts, I do know what your intentions are before even you do."

Fanboy began to move his limbs, cracking his neck. "How is this possible?" He asked.

"One of the perks of an Endless existence." said the girl. "Now, i'm here on business which is actually going to take my undivided attention here in just a moment. Why don't you tell me in as few words as possible why it is that you do what you do? You obviously don't want to be dead, or you would have done yourself in ages ago. You obviously aren't interesting in settling down and taking it easy either."

Fanboy considered her words, the stark clarity in his head was unsettling but it did enable him to cut to the chase.

"I'm tired..." he said.

"Tired? Tired of what? If you're tired then you should rest."

"I couldn't if I tried, staying in one place is boring, doing the same thing every day is boring. What's tiring is going through each day of my meaningless existence looking for said meaning and only being able to find solace in the fact that i'm at least physically capable of feeling something, albeit only if I can distract myself from the fact that..." His voice trailed off.

The pale girl moved closer, "The fact that what? You're almost there, i'm not reading your mind, tell me!"

"The fact that..." Fanboy met the look on the pale girl's face and stopped. "The fact that you have incredible eyes."

The Pale girl was taken aback slightly, but coy with her response. "I see, well there's only one thing you have to do to solve your little problem then..."

Stretching her arms outward, Death looked to the sky. A white pegasus pony flew overhead unaware of the scene playing out below, the sky began to fade from a perfect blue into a deep crimson red. Her chest heaved as she took a deep breath before looking back down directly at Fanboy.

"...impress me." she said.


. . .



"FUCKING CUT THE ROPE!" Shep yelled.

Sitting in the top of the tree, Falk obliged, his flint knife just barely managed to sever the crude rope, with unleashed the bundle of spikes as it swung from the large branch. The Unsuspecting pony walking by had no idea that a tight bundle of ten very sharp sticks were preparing to impale her from the side, but she realized it soon as her torso was violently sundered.

"Ten out of motherfucking ten!" Yelled Falk as he hopped down. "Hell yeah!"

Sheppard moved forward to examine the corpse. "I wonder what this one does?"

Looking at the mark on the pony's backside, Shep saw a mark that looked like a book, the cover of the book was shaped into a crude mangled human face.

"That...that doesn't look good."

Shep had no idea in advance that this pony's position was that of the Purifier. The One who kept the idyllic world of pony society separated from madness incarnate, by absorbing the negative energy and malevolence from the world, so the ponies could live in utopia. But now the seal had been breached, and the once peaceful forest began to succumb to death and disease. What once was succor was now slowly devolving into Hell itself.

Darkness creeped onto the land from black swirling portals of actualized hatred, and demons long since forgotten began to manifest from nowhere. The entire planet began to die as seas churned with blood and the skies filled with the smoke, filled with an ash created from the burning bones of what once lived. The air itself took on a putrid stench as the mass extinctions combined with the raw unfiltered rot and pestilence to allow the smell of death to permeate in an instant.

The villages and towns of the Pony world aged in an instant, acid rain poured from the skies and began to dissolve buildings. Weaker structures collapsed outright, crushing those that were inside under a pile of rubble. Horned creatures stitched drums of taut pony skin and played their terrifying melodies on flutes of hollowed pony bone. The succulent meat of the living was consumed at a rapid pace, and great sacrifices were made to dark unspeakable gods of suffering. Survivors attempted to band together and huddle for protection only made it easier for the beings to locate them, and gorge on even greater sums of innocent meat.

For the first time in recorded Pony history there was war. But not between the ponies themselves, but between the mutant hordes that sprung forth through the countrysides who would battle for the right to devour the ponies themselves. Spear and axe met sword and shield and vice versa as the crude metal severed limbs and decapitated heads. Upon the throne of the Pony kingdom, the beings who controlled the Solar and Lunar orbits fell victim to their own sadness, inadvertantly transmitting their fear to all other ponies. The devils themselves emerged into the throne room and slew the once great equines, and their spilled blood triggered a horrible change in the few remaining ponies.

Walking towards Shep and Falk came a pony, whose skin melted into a foul pus and oozed away from the body to reveal a tormented beast covered with sores and what appeared to be chains. Tusks emerged from its mouth rapidly causing blood to spill and mix with the frothing drool, creating a corrosive mixture that burned whatever it splashed upon including the creature's own skin. With a mighty roar the beast called out to its kin, and around the entire world a howl of great mourning emerged forth to herald in an apocalypse as yet unseen in the entire universe.

The Beast raised forth in the air to take the noxious air into its lungs, its front hooves raised towards the blackening sky as lighting struck from behind, creating an inferno which further polluted the sky. As the hooves slammed to the ground upon the dying earth below, bizarre primoridal creatures in varying states of decay clawed up from the ground to live once more. Some of these creatures had vestiges of their former selves, albeit covered with maggots and decay, others were but skeletons given form once more.

Simply existing caused great agony and Shep and Falk fell to their knees clutching their hands together to resist the overwhelming temptation to tear their sensory organs away to cut short what they were experiencing.


. . .


Prime Dalton fought for his life as a great beast of the Aponylypse massacred the assembled Daltons before him. Dalton 2814's power ring failed as a disguting mixture of yellow chemicals robbed him of his strength and opened the way for a final blow as a great hoof crushed his body completely. Dalton 90210 frantically tossed his oversized cellular phone and hair products to no avail. Dalton 187 held his gun sideways but the bullets had no effect as the gnashing of teeth shredded him into unrecognizeable pieces. "BALLS!" Yelled Lt. Dalton of 20515 as he flew his fighter jet at the beast, only for a murderous swarm of smaller demons to oblivion.

"It's finally happened..." The Prime Dalton cringed as he reached for the controls of the R.E.B.O.O.T cannon, only to discover that it had been destroyed. "we have lost control of the fanfic universe..."


. . .

[Phantasee]

This is the greatest thing I've ever read. You've outdone yourself, DF.

[Darth Fanboy]

UNNAMED PONY FANFIC EPILOGUE: "Homeward Bound"

On the day I went away...
goodbye...
Was all I had to say...
now I...
I want to come again and stay...
Oh my my...
Smile, and that will mean, I may...


As the Aponylypse unfurled around him, Darth Fanboy found himself at the crux of a great astronomical shift. One that saw the sprial arms of the galaxy shudder and split apart. The intense graviitational forces tore holes in time and space and threatened to destroy the fabric of time and space, and the once serene galaxy began to reform, it's celestial bodies forming into the shape of a pentagram. Across the universe, countless beings died, and as time looped and swirled out of synch with existence, so to did they die again along with the unborn, those who had died before, and those who were never to be conceived.

Adding to the surreality, Death stood behind him patiently, unblinking and undeterred, intent in her observation.

"Impress me." She said again as she twirled an umbrella, which somehow shielded her from the violently swirling debris.

Looking down, Fanboy saw that Sheppard and Falkenhorst were doomed. Madness had overcome them, and their senses were beyond repair. Screaming in unfilitered horror, the two men had only one last instinct, to somehow kill themselves to end the torment and pain.

"Whatever this was, no living thing can contain it now." Fanboy said, reaching to grab a large blade from it's sheath.

"Doesn't seem like it," Death said as she twisted the handle of the umbrella in her hands in an almost playful fashion. "I guess i'll be turning out the lights sooner than I thought."

And then Fanboy had his revelation. "No living thing can contain it, nothing dead either, but perhaps the dying." He turned. "There was someone I loved once, someone who died but never went away. I think it was you that entire time."

She smirked. "Took you long enough to figure it out, although you're only partially right. She was an image, a creation of dreams and shapes." She stood up and stepped closer. "My brother helped me out with her!",she said proudly.

"She was too real to be a puppet like that." Fanboy said, his hand gripping the handle of the blade firmly as he raised it towards the light of a blood red sun.

"She was real....I am real. But I can be in many places at once, however it doesn't always work for the physical manifestation of one of the enduring forces of the universes to be everywhere all of the time. I experience life as a mortal from time to time, but this one was different, unique beyond any other, because she was created from so many ideas and concepts, things I came across when I first almost met you years ago."

Fanboy turned the blade in his hand so the point stared right back at him, he adjusted his angle. "So the reason I kept seeing her, the reason I risked my life the way I did."

"Each time you nearly died for one reason or the other brought you closer to me, and thus her. I had to go for a while, because you weren't ready yet."

"Ready for what?"

"For this moment."

"To save the universe?" Fanboy asked.

Death laughed. "That's adorable, I only wish it were that noble. The universe will go on no matter what silly, as will other realms of existence and dimensions even I don't much care to traverse. No, what you're doing is as much selfish as it is selfless. This universe will die one way or another, whethers its because of this or because of a slow and cold energyless existence at the end of time. It will be reborn too, and I will be there...she will be there...and, if you want it...you will be there also."

And she looked at him and smiled with the calmest eyes he had ever seen.

"So impress me, and let's see what the rest of eternity has to offer us."

The angle of the blade changed sharply, and Fanboy felt a great power swell up within, and then with as much force as he could muster he brought the blade into his chest. Mountains exploded and geysers of superheated magma shot up around him, the skies burned and oyxgen disappeared. The macabre creatures warring over the broken carcasses of the dead were destroyed in an orgy of violent cataclysm. In the center of it all a dying man tore through the skin of his chest and smashed through his ribs, cutting a deep hole that gushed blood in such a way to attract the few surviving scavengers of the dead. With the hole big enough he let out a primal roar and reached into his chest, and with one last burst of adrenaline he tore out his own heart, crushing it in his grip.

Cause I've seen...OH!...blue skies!

through the tears...In my eyes

And I realize.. I'm going home.


. . . . .


Rob Dalton Prime, confined to his Harkonnen floating chair looked on with digust as his representatives filed the papers. Despite the ultimate Deus Ex that saved the fanfic universe, he had to make a deal with the devil himself. In order to maintain strict control it would be necessary to moderate the activities of the Fanfic Universe more carefully, so that his citadel would never be reduced to a dimensional space equivalent to the size of a kit kat bar ever again.

The treaty with the Germans had been signed. Under the control of the Evil Dread Lady Merkel, and her ever present Chief Guard Thanas, the Germans were given carte blanche to oppress as necessary in order to bring order to the Fanfic Universe...starting with UPF. This would be done in exchange for territorial concessions with their home universe, the BDSM-Fic Universe.

"For starting! All inactive plots lines, from Butter Cows to Ron Mexicos are to be either deleted or to be reconciled with swamp gas explanations. Furthermore! Ze ones known as UPF vill be eliminated! Ze one known as Darth Fanboy iz dead! Sheppard and Falkenhorst are next!" Thanas said as he squeezed his leather gloved fists, much to the delight of Merkel, who stood ominously in the background with a cold straight face, even as she toyed with her right nipple.


. . . . .


Awake on the bridge of the Asskicker for the first time in what seemed like years, Shep and Falk stood up and dusted the...dust...off of their garb. They were back, their crew was back, and the incredibly large shipment of Illicit Betazed Breastmilk was back in containment. Not wanting to spend a lot of time wondering what the fuck happened, or wanting to wonder where the fuck Zaia and the Zeon went off to, they resumed course, hoping that they had come back in time far enough that they could still make the delivery.

. . . . .


STAY TUNED FOR THE CONTINUED ADVENTURES OF SHEP AND FALK, AND FIND OUT IF FANBOY GETS A COMIC BOOK DEATH OR IF THAT DUMB FUCK STAYS DEAD.