Aliens land on Florida during 2000 election

Dennis Toy · Post by **Dennis Toy** » 2003-05-23 01:36am

Happy Holidays, everyone! If you're at all like me, right now you've had it up to here with politics. One day Bush is winning, the next day Gore. I tell you, it's enough to make me want to hur-

We interrupt this column to bring you an NBC News Special Report! We now go live to Brian Williams at NBC News headquarters in New York.

Williams: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a major story breaking down in Florida, where only a few short minutes ago an alien spaceship landed outside a Tallahassee flea market. To give us an update of the situation is NBC's very own Andrea Mitchell. Andrea?"

Mitchell: "Yes Brian, I'm standing outside of Bub's Swap-O-Rama, where as you can see (they cut to a shot of a massive disc-like object) the spacecraft is huge. NASA estimates its size at well over 300 square miles, or approximately the size of William Shatner's ego and Marlon Brando's weight combined. Hold on! It appears that some sort of a door is opening up on the side of the ship! Something's coming out!"

Williams: "For those of you just joining us, an alien craft has landed in Florida and what appears to be a giant ... fish-like ... thing ... has just emerged from the spaceship and appears ready to speak. We'll listen in to hear what it hasto say..."

Alien: "Earth citizens! My name is Merlak, High Potentate and Chief Rabble-Rouser of the Nebulan Galactic Empire! We have arrived here to enslave humanity and fry you up for brunch! (He pauses, turning to Andrea Mitchell and the TV news cameras). "Um, this is being carried live, isn't it?" (Mitchell nods an assent). "Perfect! Ahem — although our Mother Ship could easily destroy your puny, watery world with its Gamma Ray Destructo-Beam, we have decided to take control of Earth through an even more insidious fashion — endless lawsuits! It is no mistake we landed here in Florida, where the law is more cryptic and chaotic than the Beryllium Mines of Balthazar VII! For as I speak, our mighty hordes of intergalactic lawyers are descending upon your precious Floridian courtrooms to throw your legal system into utter pandemonium!

Nothing can stop us now! Nothing! Mwa ha ha! I will now take a few questions..."

Andrea Mitchell: "King Merlak, how could filing lawsuits possibly get you control of the Earth?"

Merlak: "I'm glad you asked me that, Andrea. My plan is relatively simple. I will have my lawyers file millions of lawsuits across the state demanding that all my Nebulan cohorts inside the Mother Ship, 7.2 trillion podmen in all, be allowed to cast a vote in your recent president election. If their ballots are counted, they will easily outnumber the measly 100 million of your citizens who voted for other candidates. I will then become president-elect, and America will be mine, all mine! Then I'll wing it from there ... "

Brian Williams: "Well, there you have it — the alien leader declaring that Earth had better watch out, 'cause there's a new kid on the galactic block. Now we'll turn to Tim Russert, the moderator of NBC's Meet the Press, for some expert analysis. Tim — what does this all mean?"

Russert: "It means, Brian, that we're in for a heap of trouble. Mr. Merlak certainly means business. His legal team will argue that every vote needs to be counted, even those of extraterrestrial origin. The reason is simple: disenfranchisement. They'll say that the Constitution gives everyone, even aliens, the right to vote. And how it will turn out is anybody's guess."

Williams: "Thanks, Tim. It's always good to hear your wise insight. Well, that's all for now. Be sure to check out MSNBC's Web site where you can weigh in on our online poll of the day. Today's question: Merlak — merry Martian or maniacal monster? The results will be announced later tonight on the NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw. Goodbye for now."

This has been an NBC News Special Report. We now return to Bill Cleeland's column, already in progress...

" ... and that's where the hypocrisy lies. I wouldn't trust Al Gore with the military any more than I'd trust the Sultan of Brunei with my sister ... "

This is an NBC News Special Report! Here again is Brian Williams in New York.

Williams: A shocking ruling has just come down from the Florida Supreme Court! In a stunning four-to-three decision, it ruled in favor of granting the space aliens the right to vote. The state's High Court has ordered 7.2 trillion ballots be delivered to the Mother Ship, where all the Nebulans on board will promptly vote.

But the Court's decision isn't without its opposition. Florida Chief Justice Charles Wells, in speaking for the three dissenters, warned: "Have you all gone mad? These beings will devour us like Tootsie Rolls! They have death rays, for heaven's sakes! I'm headin' for the hills!"

And we just got some new poll numbers in. According to the latest CNN/Time Magazine survey taken two minutes ago, 47 percent of respondents said they thought the country would be "better off" under the aliens, while 46 percent thought humans would do the better job.

The remaining seven percent, mostly former Nader supporters, were undecided. So clearly, we're a deeply divided country right now and, if the aliens win the recount, a deeply fried country too. With that, this is Brian Williams, signing off."

This has been an NBC Special Report. We now return to the conclusion of Bill Cleeland's epic column "Gore and Peace..."

... is where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and I have the documentation to back it up! So with that, have a Merry Christmas.

Jimmy hoffa is buri...

This is an NBC News Special Report....

Brain williams here, apparently the aliens have been followed by another race, a race of cyborgs called the Borg, we now have a live shot of a cubical looking ship..

NBC News Satellite feed is hijacked

We are the borg...Resistance is Futile.. You will be assimilated....

Brian Williams: Mr Borg, Resistance is futile, is that some sor...

Borg:Your questions are irrelevant you will be assimilated

Brian: This assimilation does it hurt.

Borg: hurt is irrelevant, you will be assimilated...

Brian: Apparently NORAD is tracking the cube, it is heading towards the paramount studios.

Borg: We are hunting the people known as Berman and Braga... If you interfere, we will assimilate you..

Brain: We got another report a ship is coming up it is some ship called the U.S.S Voyager is this a navy ship

Janeway on the screen: no this is a starfleet exploratory ship we are chasing the aliens..

Borg Queen: Janeway.. That bitch...

Brain: Our Signal has been hijacked by A spaceship called Voyager and a Borg ship.

Wait there is a report that Trek producers Rick Berman and Brannon Braga has been kidnapped reports suggest that they were "beamed off" as they are teleported onto those ships.

Now the ships are now fighting, some lasers are being exchanged. Hold up someone called the Xindi has called...

Xindi: We will destroy Voyager and The Borg ship

Xindi ships laser charges up when...

The Enterprise-D comes out of the Wormhole and fires at all the ships destroying them and the Temporal Protection Agency cleans up the timeline.

No more berman and braga, no more Voyager, No more Post Voyager borg no more Xindi

Brian Williams: Gore has won....

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-05-23 03:05am

If only that had really happened

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-05-30 07:51pm

You do realise that he did win...

phongn · Post by **phongn** » 2003-05-30 09:16pm

He lost. Get over it.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2003-05-30 09:22pm

*Chuckles* That was seriously fucked up...funnyish though.

darthdavid · Post by **darthdavid** » 2003-05-30 09:55pm

He won the peoples votes but the damn electoral system fudged it up, hey that gives me an idea for a poll.

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2003-05-31 07:03pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:If only that had really happened

You were rooting for Gore?

Anyway, it's a funny story. But, I'm pretty sure if it happened in real life, it would have been even funnier. People can be pretty goofy, after all.

Post by **Sea Skimmer** » 2003-05-31 07:21pm

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi wrote:
You were rooting for Gore?

Anyway, it's a funny story. But, I'm pretty sure if it happened in real life, it would have been even funnier. People can be pretty goofy, after all.

No, I'm rooting for aliens to abduct Rick Berman and Brannon Braga. There's nothing in this to suggest its outcome really would be a Gore victory.