Bad Anime

[Sidewinder]

I was snickering the whole way through this. Really quite clever.

Thank you.

[Shroom Man 777]

H-anime girls.

Whores.

Whores with breasts.

That bleed.

Bleed blood.

That bleed blood on me.

From their breasts.

[Sidewinder]

EDITED 04OCT2007-- I gave the airborne command post a name

***

ULTRA One led ULTRA Zero towards Peacekeeper One, an airborne command post that resembled the YB-60 prototype bomber, whose bomb bay doors opened to lower mechanical arms; a hook extended from the back of the Carnotaurus to lock onto one of the arms. "Just keep the white bar in the middle," Johnny radioed.

Nadeshiko looked up to see a white bar between two red arrows, designed to help the pilot orient herself as ULTRA Zero prepared to dock with the airborne command post. "Okay." She gently pulled the right joystick, guiding the pink rocket plane towards the mechanical arm. Click! The arm pulled ULTRA Zero into the bomb bay; then the doors closed.

Nadeshiko and Sugar exited the cockpit and climbed onto a catwalk, where Johnny and Spice were standing. The girl bowed to the warrant officer. "Thank you for saving my life."

"It was my duty." The warrant officer pointed at a door. "Let's go meet the rest of the crew." He led the girl and the sexaroids through the door, to the Combat Information Center (CIC). Johnny marched towards Abraham and saluted.

"At ease." The black man examined Nadeshiko. "So this little girl is the pilot of the big bad ULTRA Zero."

The girl saluted. "Yes, Sir. Second Lieutenant Yamato Nadeshiko, reporting for duty."

"At ease." Abraham turned to Linda. "They're getting younger and younger."

"Such a cute little girl!" Linda embraced Nadeshiko, pressing the girl's face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!" Then Nadeshiko was released from Linda's embrace.

"Now, the ground rules," Abraham said. "You may outrank Mister Tsurugi, but a few years of college don't make you a good leader; Mister Tsurugi has more combat experience, so he'll be in charge of the missions, after Colonel Love and I."

"Yes, Sir." Then the girl saw another door open. "Father!" She bowed.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "What the hell are you doing here, General Yamato? You're not in this scene."

"As the hero's," Isamu glanced at Nadeshiko, "heroine's father, I am vital to the development of her character."

"But not now. Get out of the CIC," the director ordered.

Isamu drew a GLOCK 17 semiautomatic pistol and aimed it at the director. "I am vital..." A boot flashed in front of Isamu, kicking the pistol out of his hands; then he felt a knifepoint at the base of his skull, ready to sever his spinal cord. "Gasp!"

"Father!" Nadeshiko put her hands together, as if she was praying, and turned to the man with the knife. "Please don't hurt my father, Mister Tsurugi!"

Isamu frowned at his son-turned-daughter. "You beg for mercy in this situation, when a filial child is supposed to fight for her father's sake? You are useless."

Nadeshiko began to cry. "Father..."

"Put him in the locker room," Abraham ordered. "That'll keep him out of trouble."

"Hands where I can see them," Johnny used the knife to make Isamu comply, "now." He pushed the other man through the door, to a locker room between the CIC and the bomb bays; then he opened a locker. "Get in."

"How dare you? I am a general!" Isamu was pushed into the locker; then the door was slammed in his face.

"You're not in my chain of command," Johnny stated as he exited the room.

*

Nadeshiko released her father 20 minutes later. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you earlier, but the director ordered me to complete the scene." Isamu's right hand flashed in front of her. "Ite!" The girl's left cheek stun from the slap.

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo and pointed the sword at Isamu's heart. "You will apologize for hurting my mistress," the silver-haired sexaroid demanded.

"Please don't hurt my father, Miss Sugar!"

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to her mistress. "He must apologize for hurting you."

Nadeshiko turned to her father, and then to Sugar. The girl's mouth opened; she tried and failed to think of something to say, and closed her mouth.

"I... am sorry." It was almost painful for Isamu to say those words, but the silver-haired sexaroid sheathed her sword. The man glared at his daughter. 'Useless girl.' He stomped out of the locker room.

Nadeshiko sat on a bench and put her hands over her face; tears flowed between her fingers. "I don't know what to do!"

"Take off your clothes," Sugar ordered.

The girl looked up to see the silver-haired sexaroid strip down to her underwear. "Ehhhh?"

"You are suffering from high levels of stress. I will have sex with you to relieve your stress. Take off your clothes."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt Sugar's lips upon her own; as the silver-haired sexaroid's tongue caressed the girl's, Nadeshiko noted that Sugar's synthetic saliva tasted like mouthwash. "Gasp!" She felt gentle fingers unzip her flight suit. "Sugar, wait, I'm not..." The fingers reached under her brassiere. "Kyaaaa!"

Hidden cameras and microphones were recording this unscripted scene. "We must include this in the next episode!" the director exclaimed as the silver-haired sexaroid's lips "crept" down the girl's neck.

"Yes, Mister Director!"

[Ford Prefect]

We must include this in the next episode! Classic.

[Redleader34]

This is epic... The Cut, the Lesbo action, the "
"You are suffering from high levels of stress. I will have sex with you to relieve your stress. Take off your clothes." Line is funny. Great Job.

[Shroom Man 777]

Yes, the deconstruction of every anime. Yes!

[Sidewinder]

Balthild entered the break room to see a Nadeshiko nervously raise a cup of green tea to her lips. "Are you well?"

The cup fell onto the floor, spilling the tea. "Kyaaaa!"

The dhampire slowly raised her hands. "Do not be afraid. I will not hurt you."

"I'm sorry, Princess, I..." The girl began to cry. "I don't know what to do!"

Balthild sat down beside Nadeshiko. "What is ailing you?"

"Father... he slapped me... said I was useless. Sugar... she made Father apologize... made Father angry... then she tried to have sex with me."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"No!" The girl's face was as red as a cherry. "I pushed her away and said I wasn't ready."

"Sugar's character biography states that she is programmed to serve and protect you at all costs; she is ready to die for you. You should not refuse the love of one so loyal."

"Miss Sugar... loves me?"

"She will love you if you order her to do so," Balthild stated.

"But that's not real love!" Nadeshiko protested.

"Who on Earth is able to define what love is? It is a mystery that countless poets have spent countless years trying to solve, to no avail. If you need love, why not accept the love of a sexaroid?"

The girl's head bowed in shame. "I should apologize to Miss Sugar for... pushing her away."

The dhampire smiled. "Excellent. You and Sugar will be welcome additions to my harem."

"Ehhhh?!"

[Shroom Man 777]

Man. Lesbians...and whores.

[Sidewinder]

Man. Lesbians...and whores.

I haven't written it down yet, but Balthild is bisexual-- she's also attracted to Johnny, and was disappointed that he chose Beherit to be his archenemy. (Johnny didn't want to fight a woman.)

[Sidewinder]

Nadeshiko reluctantly opened the dojo door to see Sugar spar with Aizhan. "Miss Sugar."

The silver-haired sexaroid lowered her shinai and bowed to the tsundere girl. "Please wait for a moment; my mistress needs me."

Aizhan lowered her shinai. "Fine."

Sugar turned around and approached Nadeshiko. "How may I serve you, Mistress Nadeshiko?"

The 14-year-old bowed. "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Sugar returned the bow. "It was my miscalculation which provoked that reaction; I should be the one who apologizes to you."

The 14-year-old continued to bow. "No, you were only trying to help."

Sugar put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders and pushed her upright. "I am programmed to help you in any way possible. Please allow me to do so."

"Yes, you can help me, but..." The 14-year-old blushed. "You don't have to... be intimate... with me."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Nadeshiko turned to see Aizhan shake with laughter. "Miss Aizhan..."

"Sugar's idea on how to relieve your stress... Ha! It's too funny!" the tsundere girl exclaimed.

The 14-year-old's face was as red as a cherry. "You know?!"

"I requested Mistress Aizhan's assistance in evaluating my performance, and advice on how to improve it," Sugar stated.

Nadeshiko turned to Sugar. "You..."

"I also requested the maintenance crew's assistance and advice," the silver-haired sexaroid reported.

The 14-year-olde's face seemed to glow like a brake light. "You told everyone about..."

"I only requested the female cast members' assistance and advice. Should I request the male...?" Sugar watched Nadeshiko fall backwards, and stepped forward to catch her fainting mistress.

[Shroom Man 777]

Damn! Man, man, man!

[Sidewinder]

Stephen entered the pistol range to see Johnny, Linda, and Beherit firing at targets. "Yo, Mister Tsurugi."

The warrant officer holstered his pistols and turned to the military advisor. "Yes, Sergeant?"

"Is it true they're putting in a lesbian sex scene?"

"I was unaware that the scriptwriter intended to include a lesbian sex scene," Johnny stated.

"Well, I overheard the maintenance crew talking about something between Miss Yamato and her sexaroid."

The warrant officer shrugged. "For me, 'don't ask, don't tell,'" of a US military service members' sexual orientation, "means 'don't give a damn.'"

"You really don't care if you're in a foxhole with a guy who wants to fuck you in the ass?"

"If he tries to fuck with me, he'll find a bullet between his eyes."

"So you're not going to do that... yaoi... thing?" The military advisor referred to sexually explicit relationships between male characters.

"No. In fact, I invited Anna-- Police Sergeant Anna Mason-- to lunch."

"You're gonna paint her pipes?" Stephen winked at Johnny. "Good job."

*

"What are your hobbies?" Anna asked.

Johnny swallowed a mouthful of cheeseburger. "Hiking, hunting, piano playing."

"You play the piano?"

"According to my character bio, my mother was a piano teacher."

"When can I meet her?"

"She doesn't appear in 'Frozen Ragnarök', although she may appear in the sequel; she isn't born yet," the warrant officer stated.

"That's strange; a mother who will be born after her son."

The warrant officer took another bite, and washed it down with some Whoopass Cola. "I'm a Toon; I must follow the script."

"The way we humans must follow fate?"

"I'm surprised you believe in fate."

"Why?"

"You seem very strong-willed; such people usually try to make their own fate."

The policewoman put her hand over her heart. "My strength is in God's hands, which forged me to be His sword, and which wields me in battle against evil."

Johnny looked into his date's eyes. "None of the bad guys have your determination. You're an interesting person, Anna."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you."

*

Stephen was surprised to see the F-150 FX4 drive up to the hangar. "You're on time."

"Yes," Johnny stated as he exited the truck.

"Why didn't you extend your lunch break and go paint that cop's pipes?"

"It wouldn't be fair to delay filming for my own pleasure." The warrant officer marched into the hangar, followed by the military advisor.

"You got to have some fun, or potential recruits will think Army life's no fun, and won't enlist."

"I will." Johnny watched the maintenance crew mount AGM-114L Longbow Hellfire antitank missiles under the ULTRAs' wings. "Is ULTRA One ready?"

"Yes, Sir," Lara answered.

Johnny jumped into the cockpit, where Spice waited. "Let's get to work."

[Sidewinder]

EDITED 06OCT2007-- I changed ULTRA One's call sign and extended the dialogue

***

Balthild, transformed into an 18-meter-long dragon, swung her magically enlarged scythe, sending a wave of psychokinetic energy towards a Type 90 main battle tank (MBT); the energy opened the MBT turret like a sardine can, detonated the onboard ammunition, and transformed the MBT into a fireball. The dragon's head turned. "Shrieeeek!" She writhed in midair, dodging the incoming wave of psychokinetic energy.

ULTRA Zero dived towards Balthild, its Psycho Sword reaching for the dragon's heart. "Yaaaa!" Nadeshiko screamed as beams of psychokinetic energy scorched the pink robot's armor. Balthild released her scythe, freeing her talons to close upon the blade and stop it from piercing her heart; the energy conducted through the sword scorched the dragon's scales as ULTRA Zero's weight pushed Balthild towards the ground.

"Shrieeeek!" The dragon writhed away from the Psycho Sword; her wings flapped to lift her away from the pink robot. ULTRA Zero's booster rockets fired to arrest its descent; then Balthild launched a pyrokinetic attack, the fireball slamming the pink robot against the ground.

BAAL and ULTRA One circled each other, firing 125 mm depleted uranium (DU) penetrators and 155 mm RAPs; the demon's shoulder and hip-mounted Maser Maces projected microwave energy to detonate the RAPs in midair, while the gray robot turned sideways to dodge the shots from the unbalanced weapon. "Roarrrr!" BAAL slashed.

ULTRA One drew its chainknife and blocked the attack; the cutting chain pulled the Devil Sword, and the demon wielding it, closer to the gray robot. Johnny fired the left howitzer at point-blank range; the RAP struck BAAL's head, making the demon somersault backwards. Johnny fired two more times, but the Maser Maces defended BAAL from the shots. "Fine." ULTRA One rocketed towards BAAL, the chainknife reaching for the demon's neck.

Four F-22A Raptor fighters escorted Peacekeeper One over the battlefield. In the CIC, Abraham and Linda watched a holographic BAAL slash at a holographic ULTRA One's extended arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. The gray robot kicked at the demon's wrist, trying to knock the Devil Sword out the enemy's hands, only to retract its leg and dodge another slash. "Maybe we should have Johnny practice kendo," the way of the sword, "and get ULTRA One a Psycho Sword," the black man commented.

"Go, Johnny, go!" Linda cheered. Then an alarm warned them that a weapons system was targeting Peacekeeper One. The holographic display showed two AMRAAMs race towards the airborne command post; it displayed the words "LASER LANCE FIRING" as the weapons shot down the missiles.

"That's not in the script," Abraham noted as a holographic F-2A fighter appeared behind the holographic Peacekeeper One.

Two Raptors turned to engage the F-2A. "It's a friendly," one Raptor pilot radioed. "It's not acting very friendly," the second pilot replied.

"I will avenge the dishonor you brought upon me, black man! Die, die, die!"

Abraham recognized the voice. "General Yamato?"

Isamu, the F-2A pilot, pushed the throttle; the fighter accelerated towards the airborne command post. Isamu armed the M61A1 and fired a burst; yellow gridlines appeared on Peacekeeper One's wing as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA One transformed. "The Red Legion uses MiG-29Ks, right?" Johnny radioed as the gray robot rocketed towards the F-2A.

"That is correct," Beherit answered. "I do not know who is piloting that fighter."

An alarm warned Isamu that a weapons system was targeting his F-2A; his head turned to see ULTRA One in the six o'clock position. "Tsurugi!" He performed an Immelmann; the fighter climbed, did half a loop, and then half a roll to fly in the opposite direction. "You betray your noble ancestors by siding with the black man! I will punish this betrayal!" Isamu fired two AMRAAMs; he watched Laser Lance turrets extend from the gray robot's abdomen and lower back to shoot down the incoming missiles. "Die, die, die!" He fired the M61A1; the gray robot rolled to dodge the shells.

"Father, noooo!" ULTRA Zero transformed and rocketed towards the F-2A. Nadeshiko watched ULTRA One transform, draw its chainknife, and sever the fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the pink robot. "Kyaaaa!" The girl pushed the control stick; ULTRA Zero rolled out of the rear fuselage's path.

"Shriek!" Balthild flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed into the ground and transformed into a fireball.

ULTRA One carried the F-2A cockpit towards the hangar; Johnny watched Isamu draw a pistol and fire it in the gray robot's direction, the bullets embedding themselves in the cockpit canopy. "Cut," the warrant officer radioed.

"Cut," the director repeated.

*

Isamu, duct taped to a folding chair, tugged at his restraints. "How dare you show such disrespect towards a general?! I will kill you, Tsurugi!"

The director turned to the scriptwriter. "What are we going to do about General Yamato? He's too... impulsive... to be a good cast member."

"That scene where ULTRA One cuts the JSSDF fighter in half... can the computers replace it with BAAL?" the scriptwriter asked.

The director put his right fist in his left palm. "Yes! We'll replace the JSSDF fighter with a Red Legion fighter; then the audience will think Isamu acted to defend Peacekeeper One!"

"We'll have General Beherit capture General Yamato. Then Little Nadeshiko will attack the Red Legion base to rescue her father."

"But it'll be too late; General Beherit has tortured General Yamato to death."

"That'll make Little Nadeshiko more determined to stop the Red Legion."

"Brilliant!" the director and scriptwriter simultaneously exclaimed.

"I will kill you all!"

The director nervously turned to Isamu. "Call General Beherit."

"I will tear you to pieces, with my bare hands if necessary!"

"Now." The director watched the scriptwriter run out of the room.

*

BAAL caught the F-2A forward fuselage. "Retreat." The demon partially transformed, the left arm extended to cradle the forward fuselage.

ULTRA Zero's head turned to let Nadeshiko watch BAAL rocket away from the battlefield, followed by a squadron of Red Legion fighters. "Father! Noooo!"

ULTRA One severed a MiG-29K fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the ground.

"Shriek!" 'Here we go again,' Balthild thought as she flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed and transformed into a fireball.

The gray robot carried the forward fuselage towards the airborne command post. "Command, this is Death Angel," ULTRA One's call sign. "I've captured an EPW. Request permission to bring him in for interrogation."

"Death Angel, this is Command. Permission granted," Abraham replied.

*

ULTRA Zero cut a hole in the hangar roof to reveal Isamu, his jacket and shirt removed to reveal the cuts and burns on his body, in the chair.

"Father!" Nadeshiko opened the hatch.

"Mistress Nadeshiko, please wait..." Sugar watched her mistress jump onto the ground and run towards Isamu.

Nadeshiko drew a katana and cut away the duct tape; Isamu fell onto the floor, his blood painting it red. "Father, I'm here to rescue you. Father?" The girl cradled the JSSDF officer's head and checked his pulse. "Father, noooo!" She looked towards heaven; tears flowed down her cheeks.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "Good job, Little Nadeshiko."

[Redleader34]

I like how you make it like a movie set, and how you adress the sex scenes earlier. Another Great job.

[Sidewinder]

Another Great job.

Thank you. (Bows.)

[Ford Prefect]

I think the best part of that had to be when they were discussing just what to do with Yamato. The literal on the fly scriptwriting is great.

[Sidewinder]

"What's wrong, Lieutenant Yamato?"

Nadeshiko looked up from her hamburger, which remained in its wrapper. "Mister Tsurugi?"

"You seem upset," Johnny noted.

The girl glanced at the man sitting beside Johnny-- Beherit. "How can you be so calm when your archenemy is sitting beside you?"

"I have nothing personal against General Beherit. Besides, we're not in front of the camera right now," the warrant officer stated.

"And if he tortured your father to death?"

"I'd seek an opportunity to kill General Beherit, but I must put the mission first. Expressing anger is like using a nuclear weapon; you must be careful, or you'll end up harming your allies or yourself."

"Wise council." The Red Legion leader turned to the girl. "I had nothing personal against General Yamato. I tortured him to death on the director and the scriptwriter's orders; if you bear a grudge, it should be against them."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt a weight upon her breasts. "Ehhhh?!"

Sugar, putting her head against the girl's heart, listened to Nadeshiko's heart rate. "Your heart rate is elevated, a sign of stress. Would you like to relieve the stress by having sex with me?"

"No!"

"You make a cute couple," Beherit commented before he put a French fry in his mouth.

*

"You can fall in love with General Black."

"According to his character bio, General Black is married and has two children."

"How about Mister Tsurugi?"

"That's fraternizing. Besides, Johnny's dating the policewoman who interrogated him after he blew up that tentacle monster; I don't fall for subs," submissives.

"Mister Tsurugi's never been aboard a submarine."

Stephen entered the studio to see the scriptwriter and Linda talking to each other. "What's up?"

"Sergeant Zwolak!" Linda embraced the military advisor. "Help me out; I'm trying to get a bigger role in 'Frozen Ragnarök', instead of just being a cheerleader for Johnny and Nadeshiko."

'Her skin feels like rubber,' Stephen thought, his face pressed against the Toon's neck. "Sure. What do you wanna do?"

"Something that'll get me more time onscreen, like..." Linda's head bowed in thought.

"How about the classic hot springs scene? You can open up to Miss Yamato there."

"That's a great idea!" Linda embraced the military advisor again.

'I can get used to this,' Stephen thought.

*

"Hot springs?" The words surprised the other cast members.

"Yeah! It'll be a great time to open up to each other and develop our characters!" Linda declared.

Balthild examined the maintenance crew. "It will be an excellent opportunity to recruit more beautiful people into my harem." She turned to Beherit's archenemy. "If you let your hair grow down past your shoulders, you will become a welcome addition to my harem, Sir Johnny."

"I'll pass," the warrant officer deadpanned.

*

"I'm not a damn pervert," Johnny declared.

"But you're a man at a hot springs! You must sneak up to peek at the women's side!" the scriptwriter argued.

Johnny put his right hand on his waterproof holster. "One more word and you'll find a bullet between your eyes." The warrant officer watched the scriptwriter slowly raise his hands and back away.

On the women's side, Nadeshiko was talking to Linda. "Father never said he loved me... never said he was proud of me... all he did was give me orders..." Tears flowed down the girl's cheeks. "Now he's dead, and I don't know what to do!"

Linda embraced Nadeshiko. "There, there. Let it all out."

"Sob. Thank you, Colonel Love."

"Call me Linda now. We're not on duty."

"Sniff. Yes, Miss Linda."

The 30-year-old leaned back into the water. "You know, I never got to see my father very often when he was alive. He never seemed to find the time to talk to me; I got the impression that he wanted a son instead of a daughter. When I joined the Army, I hoped that he'd say he approved of me, but then he was KIA," killed in action, "and all I have left are dreams of the time we didn't spend together."

"I'm sorry."

Linda turned to Nadeshiko. "Don't apologize for something that's not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"Ha ha ha!" The 30-year-old patted the 14-year-old's head. "You're so cute."

Johnny's cybernetic implants let him eavesdrop the conversation. 'What the hell was the point of coming to a hot springs?'

"Good evening. May I join you?"

'Miss Merovingian?'

"Sure," Linda replied.

"You are very beautiful women," the dhampire complimented.

"Thank you," Linda and Nadeshiko simultaneously said.

"I feel great pleasure in your company."

"You're too kind," the 30-year-old added.

"Have you ever made love to another woman?" Balthild asked.

"Ehhhh?!"

"Well, I played with some girls when I was a teenager, but I was never that emotionally attached to anyone," Linda admitted.

"A pity. It is a pleasure to experience love in all of its forms," the dhampire stated.

Linda smirked at Balthild. "How much did you play around?"

"Considerably. I am bisexual, and I appreciate the differences between making love to a man, making love to a woman, and making love to both genders at once."

'I'm done.' Johnny stepped out of the hot spring, wrapped a towel around his waist, and marched into the changing room.

[Shroom Man 777]

Man....

[Sidewinder]

Man....

What would you do if you were in Johnny's position? Would you maintain your integrity and simply exit the hot springs? Would you stay and listen to the women discuss their sex lives? Or would you climb over the barrier to peek at the girls (and risk having an angry Aizhan tear you to pieces)?

[Shroom Man 777]

I'm just astounded at how you utterly ruthlessly eviscerate cliches and stuff.

Do you read this site?

[Sidewinder]

I'm just astounded at how you utterly ruthlessly eviscerate cliches and stuff.

Do you read this site?

Yes, I read several articles under the anime section.

[Ford Prefect]

Johnny's 'I'm done' is gold.

[Sidewinder]

Edited 19NOV2007
***

"How were the hot springs?" Beherit asked.

"A waste of time," Johnny answered.

"You did not have an opportunity to peek at the women?"

"I'm not a damn pervert." The warrant officer parked the F-150 FX4 and exited the truck, followed by his archenemy.

In the hangar, the maintenance crew was talking about how relaxing the hot springs were. "Group, attention!" Lara turned around and saluted Johnny.

"As you were." The warrant officer approached the gray robot. "What's ULTRA One's status?"

"Full fuel tanks, full complement of 155 mm RAP, full complement of 30 mm HEI," high explosive incendiary, "and API," armor-piercing incendiary, "full complement of Stingers; she's ready to go."

Beherit glared at BAAL's maintenance crew. "Is my mount fully fueled?"

"Yes, Master," a Middle Eastern man answered.

"Are the 125 millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master."

"Are the 30 millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master." The armorer, knowing the punishment he'd receive if he made another mistake, pressed a button; hydraulic jacks lifted the demon mask upwards to reveal BAAL's head-mounted GSh-30-2 twin-barrel cannon.

The Red Legion leader confirmed that the 30 mm HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells pointed in the correct direction. "Let us begin filming."

*

The ULTRAs led two C-17 Globemaster III transport planes over a jungle. "Target in sight," Johnny radioed as a Red Legion base and its adjacent laboratory, the surrounding trees cut down to deny attacking forces cover and concealment, appeared in front of them. The ULTRAs attacked at the surface-to-air missile (SAM) batteries and antiaircraft guns defending the base, destroying the enemy weapons systems.

The C-17s lowered their ramps to drop three M1126 Stryker Infantry Carrier Vehicles (ICVs) and a M1128 Stryker Mobile Gun System (MGS); parachutes attached to the roofs slowed the Strykers' descent. Once the Strykers were clear, Aizhan jumped out of a C-17, followed by 18 Fallschirmjäger, German paratroopers. The Fallschirmjäger transformed into werewolves as they fell towards the ground; they opened their parachutes at low altitude so the defenders had less time to react. The Strykers landed; the crews detached the parachutes and drove towards a base to support the werewolves.

The base defenders assumed fighting positions. "For General Duke Beherit!" "For the Red Legion!" they shouted as they fired rocket-propelled grenades (RPGs) at the werewolves leading the attack.

Aizhan slashed, the chainsword cutting off an RPG detonator; the rocket buried itself in the ground behind her. The other werewolves jumped or dived out of the RPGs' paths, letting the Strykers' TROPHY active protection systems shoot down the incoming rockets.

Linda, sitting in the MGS turret, watched the werewolves attack the Red Legion soldiers. "I want prisoners," she radioed. Two werewolves pounced on a Red Legion soldier, grabbed his AK-74M assault rifle and broke it in half, and carried him to an ICV, where military intelligence officers bound his arms and legs.

A Red Legion soldier marched out of the lab; his exoskeleton gave him the strength to carry a GSh-30-1 automatic cannon, which weighed 46 kilograms. "Yaaaa!" The gunpowder in the 30 x 164 mm casings ignited at a rate of 1500 rounds per minute, propelling HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells through the armor protecting an ICV engine, immobilizing the Stryker.

Aizhan appeared in front of the Red Legion soldier, and slashed.

The Red Legion soldier raised his left hand to catch the chainsword; sparks shot out from his armored palms. "I'm stronger..." He felt the werewolf's jaws close upon his throat. "Gurgle!"

Aizhan threw the dead Red Legion soldier through the lab doors; blood flowed down her jaws. "Ah-wooooo!" Then her radio buzzed.

"All units, fall back!" Johnny warned as the Laser Lances made a KAB-1500L glide bomb explode in midair; the fireball shielded a second bomb from ULTRA One's sensors.

The second bomb hit the lab, blowing Aizhan off her feet; the werewolf flew backwards 20 meters before slamming into an ICV. "Grrrr." She looked up to see the claymore transform into the demon, draw the Devil Sword, and point the weapon at her.

"Roarrrr!" The Carnotaurus fired two 155 mm RAPs at BAAL, which turned around and used the sword to block the shots. ULTRA One rolled to dodge the incoming 125 mm DU penetrators, drew its chainknife as it transformed, and lunged.

The demon slashed at the gray robot's arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. "Burn in hell!" Beherit's pyrokinetic powers formed a wall of fire between BAAL and ULTRA One; the wall moved towards the gray robot, which somersaulted backwards to dodge the pyrokinetic attack. The demon lunged through the wall of fire, the Devil Sword reaching for ULTRA One's cockpit.

"Yaaaa!" ULTRA Zero slashed, projecting a wave of psychokinetic energy towards BAAL. A wall of fire appeared between the demon and the pink robot; the energies annihilated each other, scorching the ground. "I will avenge my father!" Nadeshiko cried as ULTRA Zero lunged.

The Devil Sword blocked the pink robot's thrust. "Weakling." BAAL grabbed ULTRA Zero's right wrist and slammed its opponent against the ground. The demon aimed the 125 mm cannon at the pink robot, and then turned to block two incoming RAPs.

Linda watched ULTRA One and BAAL engage in close quarters combat (CQC). "Abort, abort, abort," she radioed. The crew of the immobilized ICV evacuated the Stryker and boarded a second ICV, followed by nine werewolves, two of whom climbed onto the roof. Aizhan climbed onto the third ICV roof, covering the nine werewolves who boarded the Stryker. The MGS led the ICVs away from the Red Legion base, towards an airfield where the C-17s could evacuate them.

"Shrieeeek!" Balthild dived towards the Linebacker.

"Ah-wooooo!" Aizhan jumped into the air, her chainsword reaching for the dragon's neck. Balthild slashed; the werewolf somersaulted in midair, her chainsword cutting through the wave of psychokinetic energy.

The dragon's attack gorged the ground in front of the Strykers, which slowed down as they drove around the gorge. "Jesus Christ!" a driver exclaimed.

Balthild's wings flapped, lifting her beyond Aizhan's reach. The werewolf landed on the ground and fired her M25 at the dragon, who spun the scythe to block the incoming grenades. 'Maybe I should hire her to guard my harem?' Balthild thought. The dragon heard scramjet engines roar, and turned to see the ULTRAs rocket away from the now burning Red Legion base. "Shriek!" Balthild's wings flapped, carrying her away from the battlefield.

"Cut!" the director ordered. "Good job, everyone."

[Sidewinder]

Note: I've divided the previous story into four chapters. Further additions to 'Bad Anime' will be in that format when I post it on my MediaMiner account. Expect several revisions to the story when it appears there.

***

The scriptwriter stared at the wall of monitors, which displayed scenes that were being edited to form an episode; onscreen, BAAL and Balthild stood guard as Mil Mi-35M Hind attack helicopters evacuated the surviving Red Legion soldiers from the burning base. "We need a 'summer festival' scene."

"Why?" the director asked.

"Too many battle scenes will numb the audience to the drama. We need something light-hearted so the audience can relax with the cast."

"Every other anime series has a 'summer festival' scene. We need something fresh, or the audience will be bored."

The scriptwriter put his right fist in his left palm. "I know! We'll have a dream sequence set in medieval Europe! That will seem fresh after all the scenes set in 2014!"

"Why not Japan during the Heian and Edo periods?"

"Lots of anime series are set in the Heian and Edo periods. Medieval Europe will seem exotic to the audience-- the Japanese audience," the scriptwriter noted.

The director put his hand under his chin. "Sounds good. Let's get to work."

***

BAD ANIME CHAPTER 5: GET MEDIEVAL

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007.

***

Sugar marched beside Nadeshiko as the girl entered a clothing store.

"You don't have to follow me, Miss Sugar," Nadeshiko said.

"I am programmed to protect you. Please allow me to accompany you as your bodyguard, Mistress Nadeshiko."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Okay." She turned to the mannequins on display. "That looks pretty." The girl grabbed a blouse and a skirt matching those worn by a mannequin, and walked to the changing room.

Sugar knocked on the door to Nadeshiko's stall. "Mistress Nadeshiko, I have received a transmission from Command. We must evacuate to..." The silver-haired sexaroid turned around and drew her sword; her left forearm split open to reveal a rack loaded with shuriken, star-shaped throwing blades, in a hidden compartment in her forearm.

A man aimed an AK-74M at Sugar as the rack extended so the silver-haired sexaroid's fingers could reach a shuriken. "For the..." His throat was cut. "Gurgle!" The man instinctively squeezed the trigger, sending three bullets into the doorframe.

"Kyaaaa!"

Sugar lunged; Sakai Saburo cut the rifle in half, and then into the man's chest. The silver-haired sexaroid removed the shuriken from the dead man. "Mistress Nadeshiko, are you injured?"

Five seconds passed before the girl asked, "What happened?"

"An unidentified man attempted to assassinate you. We must evacuate to a safe location."

Nadeshiko cautiously opened the door. "Okay."

Sugar led her mistress to the parking lot, where her Taurus waited. "Please wait here while I check the car for..." A bomb, hidden in the sedan chassis, exploded and blew the silver-haired sexaroid and the girl off their feet.

"Kyaaaa!" Nadeshiko flew backwards 10 meters before slamming into a wall.

Sugar sat up, turned her head, and then marched towards the unconscious girl. "Mistress Nadeshiko? Mistress...?"

*

"... Dianthus? Lady Dianthus?"

"Kyaaaa!" The girl sat up. "What...?" She looked down to see herself wearing a blue houppelande, a long gown with trailing sleeves and a high collar; she couldn't see the pink ribbon that braided her hair around her head. "How...?" Her head turned to examine the inside of the carriage, which shook as four horses pull it. "Where am I?"

"You are in a carriage on the way to Schwarzwald Castle. Are you well, Lady Dianthus?"

Nadeshiko turned to the speaker. "Miss Sugar?"

"My name is Zucchero," the Italian translation of the silver-haired sexaroid's name.

"I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize, Lady Dianthus. I am only your maidservant."

Nadeshiko noted that Sugar-turned-Zucchero referred to her by the English translation of her name. "What happened?"

"You laid your head upon my lap and fell asleep," the sexaroid answered. A red ribbon braided her silver hair around her head, and she wore a white apron over a black gown and a white kirtle.

The girl blushed. "I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize, Lady Dianthus. You were tired." Zucchero looked out the window. "We are now in the domain of the Duke of Schwarzwald."

Shadows enveloped the carriage; Nadeshiko-turned-Dianthus looked out the window to see pine trees that gave Schwarzwald, the Black Forest, its name. The girl sensed... something... and turned to see the silver-haired sexaroid stand up and buckle a scimitar to her left hip.

"Please remain in the carriage as I investigate." Zucchero opened the moving carriage door, put her hands on the roof, pulled herself onto the roof, and then closed the door. The sexaroid marched up to the coachman, who turned to her. "Be on guard. I believe I saw..." A crossbow bolt shot towards the coachman; Zucchero drew the scimitar and cut the bolt in half, saving the coachman's life. "Bandits."

Bolts hit the four knights escorting the carriage, piercing their breastplates; the knights slumped in their saddles as the horses wheeled away from the carriage. Eight Red Legion soldiers, now wearing medieval European clothing, charged out of the forest; four were armed with spears, four were armed with crossbows, and all weapons were aimed at Zucchero and the coachman. "Halt, or we'll..." The sexaroid jumped off the carriage and slashed, cutting the bandit leader's crossbow in half. "Ahhhh!" The bandit fell, cut from his left shoulder to his groin.

"Boss!" "Bitch!" The crossbowmen shot at Zucchero, who spun her scimitar to cut the incoming bolts in half. The spearmen lunged at the sexaroid as the archers frantically pulled on the bowstrings. Zucchero slashed, severing the spearheads; then she jumped over the spearmen's heads to attack the archers. "Argh!" "Get away... Ahhhh!" "Gurgle!" "God save me!" Three crossbowmen laid on the road, their blood painting it red; the fourth crossbowman dropped his weapon and ran into the forest.

The spearmen dropped their useless spears and drew the swords and daggers at their waists. "Kill the bitch!" "No, get the... Ahhhh!"

Dianthus leaned out the window. "Miss Zucchero!" Three bandits ran towards the carriage; one grabbed her hair and held a knife against her throat. "Kyaaaa!"

"Get back, or I'll..." An arrow entered the bandit's left temple and exited through the right; the man dropped his knife, fell onto the road, and breathed his last breath.

"Kyaaaa!" Dianthus recoiled from the dead man and ducked, trying to hide in the carriage.

Zucchero and the bandits turned to see a knight, a skeleton painted on his black armor and a death's-head forming the visor of his white helmet, ride a black horse out of the forest. The horse armor also had a skeleton painted on it; to Dianthus, the knight and his horse resembled animated X-rays. Two arming swords, a knight's single-handed swords, were buckled to the saddle.

The skeleton knight aimed repeating crossbow at one of two surviving bandits. "Drop your weapons, now."

One bandit, seeing that the weapon wasn't aimed at him, lunged. "Yaaaa!"

The skeleton knight turned and squeezed the trigger; the bolt entered the bandit's right eye and exited through the back of his head, killing him. The skeleton knight moved a lever, drawing the bowstring and dropping a bolt in place. "Do you wish to join your comrade?" He watched the bandit drop his daggers.

Two more knights rode out of the forest, followed by 24 men-at-arms on horseback, eight hounds, and four huntsmen. One of the men-at-arms tugged on a rope that bound the hands of the crossbowman who fled from Zucchero; a second man-at-arms aimed his lance at the bandit's back, ready to punish any attempts to flee. "Is that what interrupted the hunt, Your Highness?" asked a knight in black armor; his coat of arms was a stag and a doe supporting a white shield marked with a black Iron Cross.

One of the men-at-arms was a woman. "Zucchero!" Spice rode up to her sister, dismounted, and embraced Zucchero. The silver-haired sexaroid's right arm encircled her sister's body to sheathe her scimitar; then she returned the embrace. Spice then released her sister, turned around, and bowed to the skeleton knight. "Your Highness, may I introduce my sister, Zucchero."

The skeleton knight didn't turn away from the bandit. "A pleasure, Lady Zucchero."

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to the carriage. "Are you injured, Lady Dianthus?"

The girl took deep breaths to calm herself. "I'm f-f-fine, M-Miss Zucchero."

Zucchero turned to the knights and curtsied. "Thank you for coming to our aid, Milords."

"And Lady." The third knight, wearing silver armor, raised her visor to reveal Linda's face. Her coat of arms was two doves supporting a white shield marked with three red hearts.

"Thank you, Milady. I am Zucchero Sexaroid, maidservant to Lady Dianthus Japan, Duchess of Florentia."

"The girl in the carriage?" the skeleton knight asked as two huntsmen moved in front of him and bound the bandit's hands.

"Yes, Milord. We were accompanied by four knights, who were struck by crossbow bolts; their horses carried them away from the carriage," Zucchero stated.

The skeleton knight raised his visor to reveal Johnny's face; he turned to the men-at-arms. "Falkenhorst, Sheppard, search the road for the missing knights; see if they need a priest," who often had medical training.

"Yes, Milord." The two men-at-arms rode past the carriage, down the road.

The black knight raised his visor to reveal Abraham's face, rode towards the carriage, and bowed to Dianthus. "I apologize for the banditry you suffered on my domain, Lady Dianthus. I am Lord Abraham, Duke of Schwarzwald. With me are His Royal Highness the Prince John, Prince of Mercia, Duke of Cornovii, Count of Deva; and Lady Linda, the Marquise of Heart."

Zucchero curtsied again. "I am most grateful for your aid, Milords and Lady."

The men-at-arms, leading the Florentine knights' horses, returned to their master. "Your Highness, two of the foreign knights are dead, two are wounded."

Johnny-turned-John faced Zucchero. "With your permission, Lady Zucchero, we will put the wounded men in the carriage and transport them back to my castle."

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to the carriage. "Lady Dianthus?"

"Okay."

Zucchero turned to the knights. "You may put the wounded knights in the carriage." She watched the men-at-arms remove the Florentine knights' armor, remove the bolts and bandage the wounds, and put the Florentine knights in the carriage.

***

Abraham and John removed their armor. "You like getting medieval?" the black man asked as he put on a red doublet embroidered with silver crosses, and a blue and white checkered hose.

"Nothing special," the warrant officer-turned-prince commented as he put on a black doublet embroidered with golden fleurs-de-lis, and a black hose.

"Are you kidding?! Your role is based on Edward, the Black Prince! You're the Crown Prince of England and hero of the Hundred Years' War! You can order me around, you can have me surround you with German women, hot females who can't wait to throw themselves upon the sword," he pointed at John's groin, "of a war hero! Admit it, you like being royalty!"

"I know about the court intrigues, the coups, the men who killed their brothers and their brothers' children to claim the throne; being royalty is more trouble than it's worth," John said as he buckled his arming swords to his hips.

"Is that how you feel?" Abraham buckled an arming sword to his left hip.

A 40-year-old Filipina, wearing a red houppelande, greeted the prince and the black man as they exited the changing room. "Are you ready to meet the guests, Dearest Husband?"

Abraham's left arm encircled the Filipina's right. "Yes, Dearest Wife." The couple marched to the set of Schwarzwald Castle's grand hall, followed by Johnny; cameras focused on them.

"Presenting His Royal Highness the Prince John, Prince of Mercia, Duke of Cornovii, Count of Deva; Lord Abraham, Duke of Schwarzwald; and Lady Maria, Duchess of Schwarzwald," Spice announced. A blue ribbon braided her hair around her head, but her uniform was otherwise identical to Zucchero's; two arming swords hung from her hips.

The male cast members bowed to the prince and the couple, while the female cast members curtsied.

'I can get used to this.' Abraham raised his right arm. "We are here to honor the presence of His Royal Highness the Prince John, scion of the House of Sword," the English translation of Johnny's surname, "heir to the throne of Albion." The black man turned to the prince.

"Let us celebrate the alliance between Albion and Schwarzwald," John said.

Musicians began to play as the cast members danced the estampie, jumping up and stamping their feet to the cadence.

Dianthus, wearing a pink houppelande, walked up to John and bowed; Zucchero, following her mistress, did the same. "Thank you for saving my life today, Your Highness," the girl said.

"It was my chivalric duty. May I ask if this is the first time you have traveled beyond the borders of Florentia?"

"I..."

"It is," the sexaroid answered.

"I advise you to defend yourself with at least 20 men-at-arms when traveling. The Throne of Swords is the only authority a bandit respects."

Dianthus was confused. "Throne of Swords?"

"A term for force of arms, after the throne commissioned by Brand the Conqueror, my noble ancestor. He used the swords of defeated nobles to make the throne; it grows like a lion cub as Albion conquers new territory."

"Conquers... you mean wage wars of aggression? When will the wars...?"

"Will you please allow Lady Dianthus the pleasure of dancing with you?" Zucchero interrupted before her mistress could finish her question.

Dianthus' face was as red as a cherry as she turned to her maidservant. "Miss Zucchero!"

"Very well." John took Dianthus' right hand, raised it to his lips, and kissed it; the girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern. Still holding Dianthus' hand, John began to jump up and stamp his feet.

The girl began to dance, imitating the prince. 'His hand is so warm,' the girl thought, a line she'd repeat for this episode's voiceover.

*

Dianthus awoke to find Zucchero's left arm draped across her belly, the hand gripping the scabbard. The girl's head turned to see the silver-haired sexaroid sleeping in the nude. "Kyaaaa!"

Zucchero rolled out of the bed to crouch on the floor, and drew her scimitar. She turned to her mistress. "Where is the enemy?"

Dianthus covered her eyes. "Miss Zucchero, please put on your clothes."

"Yes, Milady." The silver-haired sexaroid sheathed her sword as she walked to the chair where her clothes were.

"Why were you naked and in my bed?" the girl demanded.

"As your maidservant, I must remain by your side, ready to defend you from any enemy."

"Naked?" Dianthus slept in her chemise.

"It is more comfortable to sleep in the nude." Zucchero put on her boots and finished dressing. "Let us nourish ourselves with some breakfast, Lady Dianthus."

***

Trumpeters played a rousing tune as Linda led 20 knights on horseback on parade; streamers hung from their jousting lances. The knights rode around the lists, the field for jousting, before stopping in front of the box where noblemen and women-- including Abraham, Maria, Dianthus and her maidservant-- sat. Aizhan and the Fallschirmjäger-- wearing the uniforms of Landsknechte, German mercenaries, their chainswords replaced by pikes and Zweihänder, German two-handed swords-- stood behind the fences, drinking wine and eating drumsticks.

The trumpeters paused as the black man rose and extended his hand towards the knights. "This tournament is held in honor of His Royal Highness the Prince John, who led the armies of Albion and Schwarzwald in battle against the forces of Gallia; and to the Lord our God, who granted us victory." The trumpets drew the audience's attention to John as he rode in front of the box.

"Prince John is a handsome man," Zucchero commented.

Dianthus blushed as she stared at the prince. "Yes."

"I believe he will be an excellent choice for your husband."

The girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern as she turned to the silver-haired sexaroid. "Ehhhh?!"

"As the honored guest of the Duke of Schwarzwald, His Royal Highness the Prince John has been named champion of the tournament; those who seek glory may challenge the prince for the title," the announcer stated.

A shield, strapped to John's left forearm, bore his coat of arms-- a skull over two femurs forming a cross that quartered the shield, the first and third quarters with golden fleurs-de-lis on black fields, the second and fourth with three golden lions on red fields. The prince threw a gauntlet onto the ground. "Who dares to challenge me?"

Linda turned her horse around to face the knights. "Let the joust bring glory to our lands and peoples." She rode towards the thrown gauntlet. "I..." Shadows enveloped the lists as storm clouds blotted out the sun. The surprised redhead looked up. "What...?"

"Roarrrr!"

Linda drew a blunted sword, used for tournaments. "Mother of God!" Strong winds blew her horse onto its side; the redhead's leg was pinned under the horse's body, immobilizing her.

John charged; lightning scorched the ground behind him. The prince threw his jousting lance like a javelin, the tip reaching for the source of the wind-- a 27-meter-long dragon with a broken horn, wearing a knight's armor, whose flapping wings generating winds that blew off the box roof.

The dragon's front claws held a magically enlarged great sword; he slashed, shattering the lance. John used the distraction draw a blunted sword from a scabbard buckled to his saddle; he jumped into the air and slashed at the dragon's exposed back.

"Milord!" "Your Highness!" "Shrieeeek!"

The dragon writhed to parry John's attack; he folded his wings as he fell. The dragon transformed into a man, who somersaulted in midair to land on his feet; his armor magically shrank and changed shape to fit his human form, and his great sword shrank.

The prince landed on his horse; he turned his horse around to face the transformed man.

"Your Highness!" Spice threw her master's arming swords, weapons of war.

John dropped the blunted sword to catch the swords, which he pointed at the man; behind him, the golden-haired sexaroid was pulling the redhead free of the fallen horse. "Greetings, Kind Sir. Have we met?" the prince asked.

"Greetings, Deathly Prince. Yes, we met at Nanciacum, where you cut off one of my horns before routing my army; the wounds still sting." The man's physical appearance was that of a 25-year-old, but as a vampire, he had seen 890 winters. He had black hair that reached his shoulders, a beard and a mustache, and violet eyes. A scar on his forehead marked the place where the dragon's left horn was cut off.

"Such is war."

An 18-meter-long dragon led two gargoyles towards the lists; they landed behind the man and transformed into beautiful women, their armor shrinking and changing shape to fit the women's human forms. The Landsknechte transformed as they drew their Zweihänder, jumped over the fence, and surrounded the transformed women.

The gargoyles-turned-women, a blonde and a Moor, ignored the weapons now aimed at them. "You stand in the presence of His Majesty the King Clovis, scion of the House of Merovingian and heir to the powers of the Lord Jesus Christ, ruler of Gallia, the Promised Land of immortals," the blonde stated. "Bow and show His Majesty the respect he deserves as King of Gallia," the Moor demanded.

'The character designer designed two welcome additions to my harem. I wish he designed more.' "Are you wounded, Father?" the dragon-turned-woman asked.

Nadeshiko-turned-Dianthus gasped as she stared at the dragon-turned-woman-- Balthild. "It's her!" she whispered.

Zucchero, who drew her scimitar and now stood in front of her mistress, turned. "Lady Dianthus?"

"The beautiful woman at the hot springs!"

Clovis-- the vampire who ruled Gallia, who could transform into a dragon and command storms-- turned to his daughter. "I am unhurt." He turned to John and psychokinetically lifted the thrown gauntlet off the ground, into his hand. "I dare to challenge you, Deathly Prince; the prize shall be the lands of Alsatiae and Lotharingia, which your forces seized from my dominion."

"Those lands are no longer mine to give, Your Majesty; they are now part of the Duchy of Schwarzwald," the prince stated.

"A bribe to buy the services of the Duke's army, Deathly Prince?"

"Such is diplomacy, Your Majesty."

Clovis turned to the box; he saw the worry in Dianthus' eyes as the girl stared at John. "Then the prize shall be the woman you love, who shall enter my family's service."

The challenge confused the prince. "Which woman?"

Balthild glided towards the box. "You are Lady Dianthus Japan, Duchess of Florentia, yes? I met your father when I visited Florentia last September; I see his spirit in you."

Zucchero pointed her scimitar at Balthild. "My mistress is not a pretty bauble to be given away like a prize."

The dhampire smiled. "She will not be a bauble; she will be one of my lovers, and shall enjoy pleasures beyond the limits a mere mortal can bear."

"I'm not..." The girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern.

"Although I do not harbor such feelings towards Lady Dianthus, it is my chivalric duty to fight for her honor. With her permission, I will accept your challenge," John stated.

Dianthus turned to her champion. "You..."

"You have my mistress' permission," Zucchero deadpanned.

"Shall we use blunted weapons?" the prince asked.

"Neighhhh!" A Mare of Diomedes, a man-eating horse with bat wings and a scorpion's tail, dived towards the lists; the werewolves backed away as the monstrous horse as it landed behind the vampire king.

Clovis released his sword, whose guard was a golden bat; the guard's wings flapped to keep the blade off the ground. "We shall use weapons of war." The vampire king mounted the monstrous horse; he extended his arm to receive a lance from the Moor.

John sheathed the sword in his right hand and extended his arm. "Lance." Spice put the weapon of war in the prince's hand.

Clovis pointed his lance at his opponent. "Are you ready to be judged before the Lord Jesus Christ, Deathly Prince?"

John answered by turning to the box. "Trumpeters, signal the tilt." The prince pointed his lance at the vampire king.

"I see." The trumpeters gave the signal. "Ya!" Clovis and his opponent charged towards each other; then John's horse jumped over the tilt, the barrier between the prince and his opponent, a split-second before lightning scorched the ground on his side.

The point of John's lance reached for Clovis' left eye. The vampire king's sword flew in front of the prince to cut off the point; then the magical weapon thrust at John.

"Your Highness!"

The prince jumped off his horse, over the magical weapon, and then landed on the vampire king's lance. John pointed a sword at Clovis' left eye, and lunged.

"Your Majesty!" "Father!"

The vampire king's left hand gripped the blade, stopping the point of the prince's sword before it could blind him; blood flowed from the cuts on his hand. He released the lance; John jumped, somersaulted backwards, and landed on his saddle as his horse passed Clovis'.

The prince and the vampire king turned their horses around. "You violated the code of chivalry and the rules of the tournament," John calmly stated.

Clovis smiled as his sword flew into his hand. "Such is war, Deathly Prince." The vampire king and the prince charged.

Dianthus climbed over the fence and ran towards Balthild.

"Lady Dianthus!" Zucchero ran after her mistress.

The blonde drew an arming sword as the Moor drew a scimitar; then raised their weapons as they stepped in front of the girl to shield their mistress. The silver-haired sexaroid sent two throwing knives towards the gargoyles-turned-women; as the blonde and the Moor blocked the attacks, Dianthus ran between them and stopped in front of Balthild. The gargoyles-turned-women reached for the girl; then the blonde blocked a slash from Zucchero's scimitar as the Moor blocked a thrust from the knife in the silver-haired sexaroid's left hand.

Dianthus performed a zarei-- she kneeled, placed her hands upon the floor, and bowed until her head touched her hands. "Miss, please stop the battle! I don't want anybody to get hurt!"

The gargoyles-turned-women frowned at the girl. "You will address Crown Princess Balthild, scion of the House of Merovingian, heir to..."

"Sheathe your swords, Amelie, Kalila," the dhampire ordered.

"Yes, Mistress." The blonde and the Moor complied; Zucchero's scimitar returned to its scabbard as her throwing knife returned to one of the sheaths hidden under her gown.

Balthild took a knee and put her hand under Dianthus' chin. The girl's head rose to look into the dhampire's eyes; tears flowed down her cheeks as she heard the prince and the vampire king's swords clank against each other. "I will ask my father to end the duel, but in return, you must accept the Kiss of the Rose, Lady Dianthus."

The girl blushed. "A kiss?" Then Dianthus felt Balthild's lips upon her own. "Gasp!" The dhampire pushed the girl against the ground as her tongue reach between those lips to massage the girl's tongue. Dianthus felt lightheaded as Balthild broke off the kiss. "I..."

The dhampire's lips "crept" down the girl's neck; then Dianthus felt two points, Balthild's fangs, upon her jugular vein. "Kyaaaa!"

*

"Mistress Nadeshiko?"

Dianthus-turned-Nadeshiko opened her eyes to see Sugar looking down on her; the girl's head laid upon the silver-haired sexaroid's lap. "Miss Zucchero?"

"Who is Zucchero?" Sugar asked.

The 14-year-old saw that she was inside a car. "Miss Sugar? Where...?"

"You're in my car, on the way to the base," Aizhan from the driver's seat.

"Why...?"

"Terrorists put a bomb in Sugar's car, blew it up, and then tried to finish you while you were unconscious. You were lucky Johnny went to Ranger School; he knew what to do in that situation," the tsundere girl commented.

Nadeshiko sat up. "Mister Tsurugi?"

"I was able to send a distress signal to Spice," Sugar stated. "She reported the assassination attempt to Mister Tsurugi, who led the casevac," casualty evacuation.

The 14-year-old blushed. "He saved me?" Then Sugar put her head against Nadeshiko's heart. "Ehhhh?!"

"Your heart rate is elevated, a sign of stress. Would you...?"

"It's not stress, it's..." The 14-year-old's face was as red as a cherry.

"Don't forget to use a condom," Aizhan said.

Nadeshiko's face seemed to glow like a brake light. "B-b-but I'm n-not ready to..." She put her hand over her neck, and felt wetness. "Gasp!"

"Mistress Nadeshiko?" The silver-haired sexaroid examined her mistress. "You have shrapnel wounds on your neck. I will treat them." She opened a first aid kit.

The girl felt the sexaroid rub disinfectant on her neck. 'If the dream was more than a dream, is the beautiful woman the dragon?' she wondered, a line she'd repeat for this episode's voiceover. 'Is she...?'

"Cut!" the director ordered. "Good job, girls."

***
To be continued...

[Sidewinder]

I've edited the story and posted it on MediaMiner.org. Chapter 6 is on hold due to a bout of writer's block-- I'm working on a 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' lemon while waiting for an inspiration that'll let me continue 'Bad Anime'. Wish me luck!