Gnome Hunter The Third: Gratuitous Violence!
The Hellish Lair of the Gnomes Where they Live!
Darth Garden Gnome: GRAND VIZIER ROGUE ICE! HURRY! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!
Rogue Ice: Im working as fast as I can oh devil of disgustingness!
*Rogue Ice finishes applying the various lubricants, DGG immediately begins spewing out a new army of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers*
DGG: Ahhh much better. You have no idea how much that hurts when you run dry.
Rogue Ice: ......must...resist...amputating...hands....
DGG: HhHAhaHAHHAHA! you have touched the Shpincter of GREATNESS! Feel honored!
Rogue Ice: (Cries)
DGG: Enough of your sobbering! I demand Blood! I believe it is time to invade a city of Great Importance!
Rogue Ice: I concur your exellency, but which city shall we conquer in the gname of gnomage?
DGG: An excellent point. I believe we shall invade the city of....ROSWELL NEW MEXICO!
Rogue Ice: But why?
DGG: Fool! We shall capture the city and take over the alien tourism industry once and for all!
Rogue Ice: Oooookay. But if we completely invade it and overrun it....
DGG: We will use subterfuge to conquer Roswell at first. I shall deploy a team of my finest to infiltrate the town posing as Midgets. A new army of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers will be deployed along the outskirts of the city as a contingent against a Mage Counterattack.
Rogue Ice: A good Idea, fortunately Rye has recovered from his injuries and is prepared for battle.
DGG: NO! Rye has failed me miserably. Instead we will use our "Lawn Ornament" Special Forces.
ROgue Ice: Are they even availiable?
DGG: yes, their last Operation was a resounding success, The Pornography we need to carry out future operations has been stolen from the Monkey Headquarters.
Rogue Ice: You mean we discovered the secret Brotherhood fortress?
DGG: YEs, Turns out Banana Republic was merely a GALE force/BoTM Joint Operation to create a network of outposts while at the same time bringing in a large retail profit to fund their operations. The Lawn Oranment Special Forces worked wonders on this one. enougH witH THE CHattiNg CONQUER ROSWELL!
BLack Mage Castle, somewhere outside of Alberquerque New Mexico
Fanboy: So let me get this straight, the world is divided into...
Minister of Sin Denryle: Usergroups.
Fanboy: Yes, Usergroups, and where exactly do the Black Mages fall under?
Denryle: The Black Mages are the elit eof the elite, the elite of GALE, BoTM, HAB, all of the groups. We've been fighting the gnomes since before the Dawn of Time.
Fanboy: But if your group came after the other groups .. ummmmm
Denryle: BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME!
Fanboy: Riiiiiiiight
Black Mage Kuja: Minister of Sin! We're recieving a transmission from frank Hipper at GALE HQ.
Denryle: Patch him through to the main room, Assemble the Black mages.
Fanboy: Perhaps I should go....
Denryle: No, you are a part of this operation now.
Fanboy: Listen, I haven't seen those Cup tickets I was promised yet.
Denryle: Who said that?
Fanboy: Kuja.
Denryle: You must understand, this is a military operation we run here,. we have no need or use for Stanley Cup Tickets.
Fanboy: WELL I DO!
Denryle: Listen, I hate to do this *begins chanting, casts a spell*
Fanboy: What the hell was that?
Denryle: Its an ancient spell called "The Deus Ex Machina Spell"
Fanboy: What's it do?
Denryle: It allows the writer to get out of the Stanley Cup angle and straight to pointless bloodshed and it keeps the main character involved in the plot.
Fanboy: Is that good? Urrrr DERP I mean, lets take this call.
*Television screen lowers, Frank Hipper is sitting around in a dirty "wife beater" tank top covered in gravy stains while smoking a cigar.
Frank Hipper: (Belch) Minister of Sin are you there?
Denryle: Umm Frank, this is a videoconference? did you forget that? hould we switch to full audio?
Frank Hipper: .......(shit, must maintain GALe Tyrant persona) I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT I LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW (must re label those switches) Anyways. I have some bad news. Operation "Bannana republic" has been compromised.
Denryle: damned...was it the gnomes?
Frank Hipper: I'm afraid so, the BoTM lost nearly three metric tons of hardcore pornography and the GALe Force has been deprived of nearly three thousand gallons of...
Fanboy: Okay, listen Im not anti gay or anything but this is just...
Frank Hipper: ...experiemental vehicle fuel to increase energy efficiency in our arsenal.
Fanboy: Oh, i thought you were going to say...
Frank Hipper: And several large vats of Astroglide Lubricant.
*(A loud siren goes off)*
Fanboy: Okay, you hear that? That's the too much information bell, and its ringing!
Black mage Nitram: minister of Sin! Our Recon Patrol / Quesadilla Acquisition mission has uncovered Gnomish forces in the New Mexico region!
Black Mage Cyran: Did you have the Carne Asada? Or the Pollo?
Nitram: I had Muy Queso, Kuja had Pollo.
Kuja: Mmmmmmmmmm Mexican food.
Denryle: There is no time for delicious Quesadillas. Our next mission is already upon us. The Black Mages and The Fanboy will depart and eliminate the Gnome presence. Frank, can we expect Forces from GALE?
FrankHipper: Unfortunately our resources are scattered at the moment, and the BoTM is on the defensive. The Mages will be on their own.
Denryle: Our recon reports an entire Gnomish army, what about the Heavy Armor Brigade.
Frank Hipper: A Possibility, but Sea Skimmer will demand more proof before committing himself to a full attack. The best you could get at this point would be a handful of tanks and they wouldnt arrive for several hours.
Denryle: I see, then there is no time. Mages, instead of the Black Paranoia Choppers perhaps you should take the Big Rigs, have Cyran load them with the heviest weapons we have. I will stay behind, contact some of our other allies, oh and uhhh and guard the Quesadillas.
Fanboy: I know somewhere in that plan we're getting screwed. But for the sake of the plot we'll go.
Roswell New Mexico
Ace Pace: Darth Garden Gnome is wise! we Control Roswell New Mexico! home of aliens!
Third Impact: YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!
Gnomish Redshirt Soldier #13: Yes! Hail Gnomage!
Ace Pace: wait a minute...what number are you again?
GR 13: 13 sir! An original Model!
3rd Impact: Oh hell....
*The three Gnomes look down and notice they are standing in the middle of a xity street. A Big Rig Driven by Black Mage Cyran plows into the three of them, splattering their entrails all over the entire city block.*
Cyran: Whats up now Bitches!
Nitram: The war is on....There will be a lot of explosions...
Kuja: Well my MP is completely stocked, but ever since FF6 came out Ethers are a pian in the ass to find.
Cyran: Bazookas Check, Grenade Launchers, Check, Auto Shotguns, Check..
(Cyran pushes a button on the back of each of the Big rigs, unveiling a series of battle stations akin tot hose of Optimus Prime's trailer.)
Cyran: 90 mm Tutrret check, Stinger issles, check, Beehive Bombs, check, Cases full of various Autmatic Weapons check.
Tevar: Nitrams dirty underpants, check.
Nitram.
Cyran: Are we allowed to use Bio/Chem weapons?
Kuja: You're one to talk, if you had gotten your dirty mitts on some of thatmexican food from earlier we could have just deployed your tinky asshole and been done with it.
Cyran: Id kill you for that, but then I couldn't kill you later.
Kuja: Eat me, fuckface.
Fanboy: Listen, who are these other allies Denryle was talking about?
Nitram: Unsure, we don't usually have to call in the cavalry. and if it isnt Gale or BoTM then i have no Idea.
Zaia: Miss Me Boys?
Kuja: Its the Female!
Cyran: LOOK! Lots of Females!
(Zaia and the assembled Society of Sisters arrive at the battlefield, wearing an assortment of skintight tank tops and camoflauge pants.)
Duchess of Zeon: We're about to take on an entire Gnome army and these were all the weapons you could bring?
Zaia: Good Work Tevar.
Kuja: Wait, you two know each other?
Tevar: Lets play Six degress of separation. tevar is member of sisterhood, Black mages are elite force of many usergroups, Tevar joins BlackMages as part of this unit, undercover since we are secret society, Zaia is leader and it was no coincidence she was in Anaheim since it was an undercover mission.
Nitram: One two three four five...yeah thats six. But if that was a fraud then what about?
Tevar: We'll talk later pooky, right now we have to discuss strategy.
Zaia: The Gnomes are trying to take over Roswell New Mexico, we stopped their insurgents before they could and now they have decided to wipe out our military once and for all.
Innerbrat: I've recieved word from Jmac, she has the additional ground forces we needed.
Fanboy: Really? how did a secret society manage to muster an entire army of foot soldiers.
Zaia: Jmac attended a Trek convention dressed as Tasha Yar and proudly announced that she touches herself at night. We now have a disposable army of several thousand sci fi geeks hoping for a chance to get laid.
Fanboy: so all that playing around with mens minds isnt just a cruel trick?
Zaia: We have our ways.
(The grounds troops arrive, in full costume, fake plastic weapons in hand.)
Jmac: Now did you boys all remember to wear red?
GEEKS: YES LIEUTENANT!
Jmac: Good, now remember, anyone not wearing red has a character shield and if even one dies, you guys wont get to touch yourselves tonight,
GEEKS: FOR the FederaTioN! YaaaaaaY!!!!!
Robert Scott ANderson: *AHEM!*
Jmac: OIh right, and for all of the geeks here without any sort of sexual motivation, remember, the gnomes are part of an evil Star Wars conspiracy to make Trek look weak.
Graham Kennedy: EVEN THE ICS?
Jmac: yep.
GK: HOLY HOLO-POOP ON A TRANSPORTER PAD! DARKSTAR WE GOTTA STOP THEM!
rsA: Its the Battle of Britain All Over Again! For Wilt Chamberlain!
Jmac: Don't you mean Winston Churchill?
Rsa: The basketball player?
*The troops have landed, oddly enough it bears more resemblance to the end of SW Episode II except replacing clonetroopers with pimple faced trekkies.*
Fanboy: Begun, this gnome war has.
Everyone: (GROOOOAAAAAAAN)
* A rumbling over the Horizon. This would be the perfect time to cue some hardcore Ground battle music.*
The gnomish redshirt soldiers begin their charge at the same time the trekkies begin theirs. The two waves of disposable crimson soldiers begin tearing each other to pieces. The assembled fighters of the Sisterhood and BlackMages (and our masculine hero) take their places on the big rig battle stations. Firing various mortars and rocket launchers into the fray.
Large explosions ring out in the thick of battle, unfrotunately the Gnomish oldiers are easily taking the upper hand. Several Trekkies however, have beguna blond charge into the ranks of the Gnome lines.*
RSA: RAbid wARiE BAStardS! haVE A DOSE of GALAXY CLASS DEATH!
*Gnomish Reshirt Soldiers 13845 has laughed himself to death, RSA stabs the corpse*
GK: Set Phasers to Asswhooping! nee HAW!
*Graham Kennedy is ambushed by three Gnomes from behind, the Gnomes climb on his back,knock him down, and tear at his flesh.*
GK: DARKSTAR! The Warsies are using Dirty Tactics! They are using unfair advantages in speed and strength and numbers!*
RSA: Have no fear and Don't Worry! We are Winning!
(the Gnomish Redshirt soldiers have reduced the Sci Fi Geek Army to a mere fraction of its former strength with few losses by comparison.)
Fanboy: nice Soldiers Z (leaps behind a stack of sandbags and begins firing rounds from an AK 47 into an on rush of Gnomes.) next time try a Babylon 5 convention, at least they know something about fighting.
Zaia: I promised Cannon Fodder, not commandos!
*Kuja runs out of mortar shells and Cyran's turret runs empty at the same time. They both cringe and look towards each other.*
cyran: No Bullets..ou know what that means.
Kuja: Magic time.
Cyran: Twin Flare Stars?
Kuja: We wont hit enough of them (Kuja is hit in the chest by the arrow of a Gnomish Archer) GAH! Damn.
Cyran: Shit! You assholes are going to pay for that!
HAAAAAAAA-DOOOOOOOO-KEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!!!!
* A giant burst of energy tears a massive hole in the earth and hundreds of Gnomish soldiers die.*
Cyran: Kuja!
Kuja: Damn, That was good, but, you dont have any magic left!
Cyran: Its ok...how is the wound?
Kuja: Its bad, but there's no way im going out like a punk...
Cyran: Dont try to use Magic, you;re too weak.
Kuja: Set me up with one of those Sub Machine guns.
Cyran: Just relax..
Kuja: To hell with that,i'll be damned if i'm not fighting this one out. Just get me behind one of those and get me an ammo crate, I think I can do that much.
* The two soldiers share a glance at each other and nod. Cyran hands Kuja Mr Stabby.*
Cyran: If we're overrun...
Kuja: Tear out their hearts one by one, I gotcha.
*On one of the other trailers, Duchess of Zeon is carrying two high powered automatic rifles and firing them, the sounds of gnomes dying sounds like wet lettuce being torn to a pulpy mess.*
Duchess: The Will to Live and the Sheer Joy of Destruction! YOU FREAKS DON'T STAND A CHANCE!
Innerbrat: Shee Ohl-weighz gits loyke thes round bigguns.
Fanboy: (Reads Enlgih subtitles) I can tell,
Innerbrat: Blimey, (switches to clear Enlgish) This Better?
Zaia: We're going to have to think of something. Our disposable soldiers have been completely obliterated and the last lines have been breached maybe we should...
Fanboy: DUCK!!!!!
*Gnomish Archers beign firing torch arrows, one of them hits an ammo crate and a big rig explodes. Fanboy Pushes Innerbrat and Zaia out of the way at the cost of his own safety. Nitram counters by using an Aero Spell, send a large rush of flames back towards the Gnomish Archers.*
Zaia: Why did..why did you do that?
*Fanboy tries to sit up, the smoke is still coming off of his body ns he is badly burned*
Fanboy: Its okay, I ...ack...owed you one after screwing up at Disneyland right?
Innerbrat: Zaia! They're breaking through! The Gnomes have nearly overran our psoiton, The Mages and the other Sisters have engaged in close quarters combat but theres too many. We cant fight that many.
Fanboy: there's only erggh.. One of us that can fight close combat battles like this. Z, bring me that boat oar.
Innerbrat: How can the boat oar avoid incineration?
Fanboy: Its made from Morning Wood. No way its going out like that. Listen, Get in the Truck Cabs and take off. I'll handle this.
Zaia: NO WAY we have to get you out of here first.
Fanboy: Its okay, I've got one last trick up my sleeve, (reaches into his wallet, pulls out a small card)
Zaia: What's this?
Fanboy: Its a Visa Gold, buy yourself something sexy and wait for me at the black mage castle...
*Zaia slaps fanboy across the face and he starts laughing silently to himself.*
Zaia: Let's go (smirks)
Innerbrat: There's no way he'll urvive though.
Zaia: Listen, if he's still strong enough to be a complete pig then hes strong enugh to keep fighting. that's his way.
*Zaia and innerbrat each draw a sidearm and make a mad dash for the three truck cabs. The other Mages and Sisters \, tired and wounded all of them take off at full speed.*
Cyran: Its a little cramped don't you think?
Duchess: We can always tie you to the the rear bumper.
Cyran: I think i'll take my chances with cramps.
Jmac: Oh I have cramps, believe me youd rather be tied to the back of the truck.
(at this point the nearest female has broken into the author's residence and slapped him mercilessly for 15 seconds).
*The Gnomish Armies continue their charge, a small but dedicated group of Sci Fi Geeks hold out until the end.*
RSA: FELLOW STARFLEET OFFICERS! GET IN A CIRCLE! FORM AN IMPENERABLE WALL OF IGNORANCE!
GK: You mean invincibility?
RSA: Same thing! TAKE THIS YOU RABID WARSIE ASSHOLES!
GK: What are you going to do?
RSA: im going to use THIS! Pulls out a BAt Leth!
GK: YAY! The ultimate Hand to hand combat Weapon!
RSA: Uh oh, theres subsapce interference...
*The Trekkies are overran by Gnimish hordes and devoured. Those who partake in the devuring though, suffer massive brain hemmorhages and die.*
*Fanboy is lyin prostrate in the sands of the desert*
Fanboy: Well, I guess its bout that time.
*Fanboy stands up, and stares down a force of One hundred Thousand Gnomes.*
Fanboy: SCHOOL OF THE SHINING STAR! TECHNIQUES OF THE DIAMOND STRUT! I CALL UPON THE ESSENCE OF PURE STYLE!
*Fanboy's body begins to regnerate, a glow of energy sourrounds him.*
Fanboy: I've got to get them to surround me, or this aint gonna work. ...Okay then.
*Fanboy hefts the boat oar and begins chargin into the Gnomish formation, swinging the oar in several graveful motions while maintaining his dead sprint. He didn't bother to take the time to kill the gnomes he was attacking. They would be dead soon enough.*
Fanboy: Okay this should be good enough, AWRIGHT this is my first time performing this particular dance. But don't blink, cuz there isn;t going to be an encore.
*Fanboy Dropped the Boat Oar and sotood his gorund and began going trhough a series of martial arts moves, there was no visible glow of energy, nothing to warn the Gnomes of what was about to happen.*
Fanboy:(Okay the theatrics should keep them at bay until they figure out this is complete bullshit, I'll do the move as soon as they close in)
*And not too much later the gnomes did start to close in. And Fanboy raised his hands to the air. Instantly the ground around him exploded, An eplosion of white light accompanied by a mushroom cloud.*
Fanboy: heheh, Lunar Breakdown actually works. Cool...
*The Big Rigs were far away now, everyone saw the explosion though. The ersatz convoy stopped.*
Cyran: Holy shit...did we pack nukes with us?
Kuja: (cough) that was no nuke...that was..that was pretty cool though...
Tevar: Zaia? Where are we headed with this?
Zaia: Black Mage Castle...no point heading back now. There are no survivors. That attack, it was the Lunar breakdown.
Innerbrat: The what?
Zaia; Its part of a forgotten fighting style, no one has practiced it in years. The last master died about ten years ago. It encompasses pure style and manifestation of both Ego and Confidence.
Cyran: So that blast was..
Zaia: It was all of Fanboy's Ego, Confidence and Style, manifested into destructive energy. And if he hadn't been the cocky jerk then we'd still be fighting a massive gnome army right about now.
solemn castle Black Mage, somewhere outside of Santa Fe
Denryle: I see, so the Sisterhood has decided to fight the Gnomes directly now?
Zaia: correct, we can't afford to bide our time anymore now that the Gnomes have the fuel and pornography they need.
Denryle: Fine...so hes truly dead.
Zaia: The Lunar Breakdown was enormous, its probably the biggest blast theyve seen in the southwest since the Manhattan Project.
Denryle: Damned, a Master of Style would have been useful, I knew he was strong but damned.
*Kuja limps in*
Kuja: Minister, we're getting a transmission. Its Frank Hipper again.
Denryle: We'll take it in here. In the mean time try and contact Sea Skimmer. We have our proof now and we're going to have to coordinate with the HAB so that this never happens again.
Kuja: You know we never found a body...
Denryle: We'e lost soldiers before Kuja, this one is no different.
Frank Hipper: Minister Denryle! Congratulations on your victory at Roswell. Thats the largest Gnome Army ever defeated since the days of the Masters of Style.
Denryle: Well it was a Master of Style that won this day as well.
Hipper: excuse me?
Denryle: The Human Fighter, the Unknown Soldier, was a Master of Style. The only reason we won was because of a Lunar Breakdown attack.
Hipper: Son of a...Ok...Best not to dwell on it then. I trust that you know this man here.
*Verilon walks on screen*
Denryle: by Reputation mostly, Former GALE agent and master of the BoTM Verilon?
Verilon: The one and only, listen, we cannot afford to let the Gnomes take over the planet. SEGNOR has to be stopped and now that GALE and BoTM are reorganized we can now fight back and regain control of this war. Castel Black Mage should head towards New York. I realize its a long trip but we've assembled the combined leadership of the forums. The Writers Guild has agreed to host on the grounds we and the HAB provide the security.
Denryle: Done, Castle Black Mage is enroute. Just one question, how did you get the HaB on board?
Hipper: The GNomes struck again, they got hold of plans for new Heavy Armors. whats worse is that since the gnomes are so small it will take less resources for them to build those weapons with a scaled down designs. Within the next three months, the Gnomes will have a powerful army, and they will no longer be constrained to middle ages style warfare.
the wretched Chamber pot of hell that is the Gnomish lair
Rogue Ice: my lord, I apologize for the interruption but
DGG: SILENCE! I AM PLAYING NINTENDO! CUrSE yOU MaRio! YOUR LEAPING SKILLS LEAVE MUCH TO BE DEsIRED!
Rogue Ice: The attack on Roswell has failed... over one hundred thousand gnomes have been slain.
DGG: yes, I know.
Rogue Ice: It was a Master of Style sir...
DGG: Even if it was, he is dead now, Lunar Breakdowns aren't kind to the fighter. That would require an ego so massive and obnoxious no human could possibly physically have one.
Rogue Ice: We did manage to slaughter an opposing army in the process..
DGG: Even that consolation matters little. For I have come upon new information, that turns this into a complete and total victory!
Rogue Ice: Oh?
DGG: Our enemies think they can join forces, and combine their efforts against us. But this simly places our enemies in one location to be destroyed!
Rogue Ice: An excellent plan Majesty, but how can we accomplish such a thing?
dGg; I have spent the entire day consuming fire, mexican food, and drinking coffee, a new Army of Gnomish Redshirt soldiers will rise by tomorrow, their forces are not so easily replenished. Also, with the HAB plans we have stolen...bWAHAHAHHA!!!!!
Rogue Ice: Before each night is done our secret plot unfurls; before the dawning of the sun we'll take over the world!
DGG: Oh yes! The motto! I nearly forgot. Hang some signs with that around here will ya? oh, and get me some cookies, and tang.
ROgue Ice: My liege?
DGG: YEs?
Rogue Ice: Why aren't there any girl gnomes?
DGG: A genetic defect, the reason for my evolution into the hermpahroitic creature you see today. Gnomish women die after bleeding for five days, their tiny circulatory systems couldnt handle it.
Rogue Ice: Oh,
DGG: But HUMAN WOMEN WILL BE OURS! As soon as we conquer the world.
Rogue Ice: YAAAAYYYY!!!!!!
The End of Fanboy?
Discuss.
I'm happy.
