Zaia's Babysitting Adventure!

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Ford Prefect
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Singular Quartet wrote:Then of course there's his rocken' style, and how he moves. Play SC II against somebody who really knows how to use him, and you'll understand.
Never before has "I can dance all day!" been more appropriate. That guy is hella tough to hit.
What is Project Zohar?

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Post by Kuja »

PART 26: It Gets Weirder


*OPEN UP on an ATV driving down a lonely street*

BRAINCHILD: Now keep left...

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk.

*a beep*

BRAINCHILD: Uh oh.

CHIBIZILLA: Arrronk?

BRAINCHILD: The tracker just picked up another lycanthrope. And it's coming this way.

CHIBIZLLA: Ruh-oh.

*a giant wolf bursts out of a nearby alley and begins closing on the ATV*

BRAINCHILD: HIT IT! HIT IT!

*CHIBIZILLA steps on the gas and the ATV takes off at eighty miles per hour, the WEREWOLF right behind them. As they race, other WEREWOLVES and more than a few VAMPIRES begin poking their heads out to see what's going on*

BRAINCHILD: Yeesh. Who would've guessed Baltimore is such a cesspool of dark creatures?

CHIBIZILLA: Arrreeeeooonnkk.

BRAINCHILD: Yeah, I figured they lived in Jersey, too.

*CUT TO: LINDAR and NANAHI attempting to extract CYRAN from the roof*

NANAHI: And heave!

*they yank with no results*

CYRAN: Pull harder!

LINDAR: So...tired...

CYRAN: Dang it, if only I could get some purchase I could kick myself out-

*CUT TO the room below where CYRAN is windmilling his legs at high speed*

MOTHER: Will you do something?

FATHER: I dunno, this would make a pretty good ceiling fan.

KID: It scares me!

FATHER: OK, I'll go get the glaive.

*he leaves and returns with a long pole mounting a blade which he uses to poke CYRAN in the leg. CUT TO: the roof*

CYRAN: YYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

*he immediately explodes from his hole and goes thirty feet up into the air, coming down in the backyard swimming pool*

NANAHI: We're done here, let's go.

*they run off, leaving the hole in the roof. LINDAR bounces down and around the pool as CYRAN clambers out. NANAHI slithers down using the drainpipe then goes right through the pool, using her tail the thrash across in a couple seconds. She comes up on the other side soaking wet to find CYRAN staring at her*

NANAHI: What?

CYRAN: Could you do that again in about twelve years?

*she glares at him*

NANAHI: Are you stupid? Or just a sucker for pain?

LINDAR: Um...Kuja's wolf pup on loose. Hunt.

CYRAN: Right, let's get back to that.

*CUT TO: ZAIA'S driveway*

ZAIA: So, exactly who are we waiting for.

ASTAROTH: YOU'LL SEE IN A SECOND!

ZAIA: You just have no volume setting between off and bellow, do you?

ASTAROTH: BAH!

*a screeching sound and sparks erupt from the end of the street as something begins sliding across the blacktop towards them. After a moment, it quickly resolves into NIGHTMARE, Soul Edge held in one hand and brilliant red hair fanning out like a banner*

ASTAROTH: ABOUT TIME!

NIGHTMARE: I got here as quick as I could. *to ZAIA* Nice to meet finally you.

*he uses his giant claw to shake her entire arm*

ZAIA: Exactly how is this murderous sociopathic villain supposed to help me find the kids?

NIGHTMARE: Villain? Puh-lease. How many villains have hair this perfect?

*he tosses his head to display his mane*

ZAIA: Yeah, but don't you kill people in your sleep?

NIGHTMARE: That was the 1400s. I'm strictly mercenary now. Speaking of which, the job'll cost you a thousand gold pieces.

ZAIA: A THOUSAND?! ARE YOU NUTS?!

NIGHTMARE: It's either a thousand gold or when I find the kids I pick one at random and eat their soul. How's that sound?

ASTAROTH: *whispering* Psst. Better offer the gold.

ZAIA: Uh...right. A thousand gold it is.

NIGHTMARE: Then let's get cracking.

*he turns and tosses Soul Edge into the air, it comes down and hovers a few feet above the ground, blade-side down. NIGHTMARE walks over and hops onto it like a witch's broom*

NIGHTMARE: Coming?

ZAIA: No, I'll just stay here-

*ASTAROTH picks her up and plunks her down on the sword*

ASTAROTH: YOU'RE GOING TOO! ARE YOU FORGETTING YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT TO LOOK FOR?!

ZAIA: Darn it.

*ASTAROTH climbs on behind her. Soul Edge immediately whines and loses some height*

NIGHTMARE: Hey, get off! This thing isn't built for tall and fat!

ASTAROTH: SHUT UP AND FLY!

NIGHTMARE: I hate noncontract work...okay, let's go.
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Post by Lindar »

*claps giggling* sQueak! sQueak! We don't want them to catch us! we better hurry and let them catch Brainchild and Chibizilla. If they catcvh them on the ATV, we can get away with claiming "we went out to try and find them.... we were only gonna play hide and seek..." or who knows what!

*hugs Kuja laughing* Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!

*ohs and gives Cyran a bandaid for his foot*
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the longer i wait,the more i forget.the more i forget, the longer the list of desires grows. for that which is wanted is forbidden. and we all know that forbidden fruit is often the sweetest.Don'tcha wish your g/f was a witch like me?~*~AYVBABTU
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Oh dear. :D
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Post by Singular Quartet »

Is that all you can say? Or are you just as awestruck for words as I am due to how fucking hilarious this is?
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Post by Captain Cyran »

Nightmare, using his sword... as a hoverboard?

*head explodes*
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Post by Singular Quartet »

*brushes off skull bits*

Well, what else is he supposed to do with the damn thing? I mean, it's got the fucking eye o' death in it, and all.

That reminds me, I need to buy Soul Caliber II....
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Singular Quartet wrote:Is that all you can say? Or are you just as awestruck for words as I am due to how fucking hilarious this is?
You speak the truth.
What is Project Zohar?

Here's to a certain mostly harmless nutcase.
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Post by Darth Yoshi »

Bah, it's all about Lady Valentine.

Nightmare, Soul Edge, hoverboard... :wtf: :lol:
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Post by Kuja »

Back bearing more inappropriate humor!


INTERLUDE: The 41-Year-Old Whore


*OPEN UP on DAN and KUJA playing Soul Calibur 3 as Raphael and Siegfried*

DAN: You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You always pick the guy with the giant sword.

KUJA: That's because I like causing damage. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: Because when you're startled you screech like a duck getting anal.

DAN: Nobody's at their best when they're scared. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: Half your characters on World of Warcraft are female.

KUJA: That's because male night elves are ugly as hell. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: Your room lacks the requisite porn stash for all male rooms.

DAN: That's because I have a computer. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You toss around words like 'requisite' without blinking.

KUJA: That's because I read a lot. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You sang soprano in our high school musical.

DAN: I have a high singing voice. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You keep changing your hairstyle.

KUJA: If you'd kept the same look for twenty years you'd be tired of it too. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You fail to find Ivy Valentine attractive.

DAN: I don't like leather. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You own a pink shirt.

KUJA: I blame my grandmother. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You're always reluctant to blow shit up.

DAN: I'm just not a pyromaniac. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You find Sephiroth attractive.

KUJA: Yeah, I'll give you that one. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You've never seen Dirty Harry.

DAN: Nobody has it anymore. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: I saw you kiss Cass in school once.

KUJA: That wasn't a kiss. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You slapped Steve on the ass.

DAN: Bad habit from the football team. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You haven't had a date in three years.

KUJA: That doesn't count one-nighters. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You and Carrie are planning a fake wedding followed by a fake honeymoon.

DAN: At least she's female. You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You're the fake maid of honor for the fake wedding.

KUJA: I've agreed to nothing.

DAN: I can force you.

KUJA: No you can't.

DAN: Next round decides.

KUJA: Deal.

*they play*

DAN: I'm gonna win.

KUJA: No you aren't.

*Siegfried knocks Raphael into a river*

KUJA: There. Find another fake maid.

DAN: You only won because you play this 24-7.

KUJA: No, I won because you don't understand the concept of strategy.

DAN: You know how I know you're gay?

KUJA: How?

DAN: You understand the concept of strategy.

KUJA: I'm an intellectual. You know how I know you're gay?

DAN: How?

KUJA: You don't like Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

DAN: They're all the same. You know how I know you're gay?

*they continue as the match restarts and we FADE OUT*
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Post by ImpishAngel »

Kuj - I still love you Regardless of wether your gay or not. And who's Dan? (Lindar)
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Post by Singular Quartet »

It's just absolutely horrible. It's perfect.
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Post by Captain Cyran »

I know Kuja is gay because his weak ass couldn't take the wing sauce I gave him. :P
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Yeah, Dan is more gay than Kuja (whoever Dan may be). Was your wing sauce supposed to be spicy O Captain my Captain?
What is Project Zohar?

Here's to a certain mostly harmless nutcase.
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Post by Lindar »

It was probably more butter than tabasco sauce Cyran*razz*

Hot is good, but don't forget to put it on your Pizza.*grin* YUM! oh and on fries... and... bread and...*continues on and on, and decides will prolly have to do such when gets home*

*ohs and points at the entry made from Impys* Mhm 2.997 Kuj
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the longer i wait,the more i forget.the more i forget, the longer the list of desires grows. for that which is wanted is forbidden. and we all know that forbidden fruit is often the sweetest.Don'tcha wish your g/f was a witch like me?~*~AYVBABTU
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Post by consequences »

"If you were gay, that'd be okay"

Well, I'm guilty of at least five fo those.
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Post by Pick »

:lol: I loved it! I'm still getting through the earlier stuff, but... gold! :luv:
"The rest of the poem plays upon that pun. On the contrary, says Catullus, although my verses are soft (molliculi ac parum pudici in line 8, reversing the play on words), they can arouse even limp old men. Should Furius and Aurelius have any remaining doubts about Catullus' virility, he offers to fuck them anally and orally to prove otherwise." - Catullus 16, Wikipedia
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Post by Kuja »

ImpishAngel wrote:Kuj - I still love you Regardless of wether your gay or not. And who's Dan? (Lindar)
The same guy that showed up in the last interlude. :wink:
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Post by Kuja »

PART 27: The Chase Is On

*engine roaring as the ATV hangs a hard right onto a freeway, still pursued by a large pack of wolves, bats, rats, and other creatures of the night*

BRAINCHILD: Where are the cars? Even this late there should be cars on the road! I don't see anything!

CHIBIZILLA: Reeeonnk!

BRAINCHILD: You see them?! Where?!

*PAN up ahead, as a frightened-looking wolf pup darts onto the freeway pursued closely by CYRAN, still loaded down with LINDAR and NANAHI, legs whirling so quickly they appear as a blur*

CYRAN: I have you now! Grab her!

*LINDAR stretches out but can't quite reach*

LINDAR: Get closer!

CYRAN: I'm trying!

*PAN back*

BRAINCHILD: They still haven't caught her! Hit the gas!

*CUT TO: high above, where an unstable Soul Edge attempts to remain aloft*

ZAIA: I'm not seeing this. I'm not.

NIGHTMARE: Those kids really must've kicked the hive to get a swarm like that going.

ASTAROTH: I'LL HANDLE IT! JUST GET US DOWN THERE!

ZAIA: Just catch up with Aletia! She's the only one who can't make it back on her own!

NIGHTMARE: I'll do my best...

*Soul Edge drops towards the ground below, pulling up barely in time and scraping the pavement of the highway as the trio pursues the massive pack of various things*

ZAIA: Can't this thing go any faster?

NIGHTMARE: Normally, yes! But I can't accelerate all that well because of the Bubba in row three!

ASTAROTH: SHUT UP!

*ASTAROTH unslings his axe and begins using the end of the handle to push Soul Edge along faster*

ZAIA: If we were in Venice and not involved in a reckless chase, I'd say you'd make a great gondolier.

*CUT TO, a bathroom as a MAN walks in and picks up a bottle of Nyquil. Outside his window, a wolf pup rushes by, followed immediately by a Lovecraftian entity carrying a naga and a catgirl. A moment later an ATV driven by a two-foot lizard hauling a screaming brain in the cargo basket roars by pursued hotly by a pack of various evil creatures. Finally, a trio of figures on a flying sword rush past chasing the whole lot. The MAN blinks and looks at the Nyquil, suddenly holding the bottle at arms' length. CUT TO: CYRAN at the head of the chase*

CYRAN: REACH FOR IT!

*LINDAR groans as she tries to catch ALETIA'S tail and fails*

NANAHI: You know, I could end this real quick if you let me bring in-

CYRAN: NO!

*CUT TO: the ATV*

BRAINCHILD: This is bad this is bad this is bad this is bad-

CHIBIZILLA: Ronk!

BRAINCHILD: Are you nuts?! I don't know how to drive!

CRIBIZILLA: ARRRRRONK!

BRAINCHILD: OKAY!

*they jockey around on the ATV for a moment, BRAINCHILD wrapping his tentacles around the handles, stretching so far his jar ends up in midair*

BRAINCHILD: I can't hold it like this for long! Move fast!

*CHIBIZILLA balances himself on the back end of the ATV and removes his safety helmet, then leans forward and fires his nuke breath into the pursuing crowd. CUT TO: Soul Edge*

NIGHTMARE: What the hell is that?!

ZAIA: Oh shit! Gain altitude!

*Soul Edge immediately groans*

NIGHTMARE: Wishful thinking!

*the nuke breath sweeps from side to side, wiping out the pack before stopping just short of Soul Edge, which finally manages to accelerate enough to catch up with the ATV*

CHIBIZILLA: Reeonk?

ZAIA: Get my joyride back home safe and I promise not to tell.

BRAINCHILD: *agonized* Will someone please take the damn steering?!

*CHIBIZILLA climbs back into the driver's seat, holding BRAINCHILD'S jar in one arm and steering with the other*

BRAINCHILD: Thanks...I'm just going to...take a nap now...zzzzzz...

*CUT TO: CYRAN*

CYRAN: I can't keep this pace up much longer!

LINDAR: Just a few more seconds!

*NANAHI is busy rummaging through LINDAR'S bag*

NANAHI: I could've sworn I saw one-

*CUT TO: the chasers*

NIGHTMARE: That's it, I can't squeeze any more speed out of this thing!

*CHIBIZILLA'S ATV begins to pull ahead*

ZAIA: Astaroth, I really appreciate your willingness to sacrifice yourself to save lives.

ASTAROTH: WHAT?!

*she kicks him off the sword and he goes skidding across the street. Soul Edge lurches forward and rejoins the pursuit*
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Post by Ace Pace »

:lol: I'm not sure wether to laugh or get a heart attack.
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Post by Noble Ire »

I laughed. And got strange looks in the process, but it was worth it.
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Post by Ford Prefect »

Brilliant. I give you the Double Rimmer Salute in respect.
What is Project Zohar?

Here's to a certain mostly harmless nutcase.
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Singular Quartet
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Post by Singular Quartet »

ZAIA: Astaroth, I really appreciate your willingness to sacrifice yourself to save lives.

ASTAROTH: WHAT?!

So, which of us have been rubbing off on Z?
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Post by Lindar »

I LOVE YOU KUJA!!!!!!!!!*gives him some cookies then wonders when we're all gonna be taking naps*
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the longer i wait,the more i forget.the more i forget, the longer the list of desires grows. for that which is wanted is forbidden. and we all know that forbidden fruit is often the sweetest.Don'tcha wish your g/f was a witch like me?~*~AYVBABTU
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Post by Manus Celer Dei »

*ASTAROTH unslings his axe and begins using the end of the handle to push Soul Edge along faster*

ZAIA: If we were in Venice and not involved in a reckless chase, I'd say you'd make a great gondolier.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Pure gold!
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