Zaia's Babysitting Adventure!

Post by **Kuja** » 2006-04-15 11:04am

Well, wait no longer.

PART 29: Leno

*ZAIA comes back from the front door after letting NIGHTMARE out to find the kids crowded around the tube. Except for ALETIA, who's curled up on the couch between ZAIA'S cats*

CYRAN: Rob and Steve made the Tonight Show.

ZAIA: You're joking.

JAY: And now, we welcome the biggest brawlers in kiddy-show history, Rob Dalton and Big Steve!

*applause as the two of them walk out to greet JAY. DALTON sports a black eye and STEVE has his arm in a sling*

ZAIA: Dear god, do they just skip the trial and inquiry and just go straight to the talk shows now?

NANAHI: Not to mention the rehab.

JAY: So how's it feel to be clean, Steve?

STEVE: I'm not gonna lie, Jay, it feels great-

VOICE: YEEEEEEEHAAAAA!

*a pair of leather-clad guys on motorcycles come blasting through the side of the set spraying debris everywhere and screeching to a halt just before JAY'S desk*

JAY: What the-

*the guy on the first bike retrieves a shotgun and fires it one-handed, knocking JAY backwards and out of sight. He then removes his helmet to reveal the features of CHUCK SONNENBURG*

CHUCK: And now it's a party!

ZAIA: TV goes off now!

KIDS: Awwww!

CYRAN: But they were just getting to the violence!

ZAIA: *firmly* Off.

*click*

ZAIA: Where the heck are all your parents? Weren't they going to pick you guys up by now?

*CUT TO: KUJA leaning over a typewriter with DARTH YOSHI looking over his shoulder*

YOSHI: Isn't that kind of a continuity flaw?

*KUJA slowly looks up, then slowly turns to look at YOSHI*

YOSHI: Right, never mind. "Continuity is for tightwads" and all that.

*KUJA slowly turns to look back at the typewriter. CUT TO: the set of The Tonight Show, where DALTON, STEVE, CHUCK, and CHRIS O'FARRELL (he was the other biker) are sitting around having a smoke in the vacant room*

CHUCK: Can you believe he's just gonna cut this whole part?

STEVE: Can't catch a break man.

CHUCK: No, seriously though, we didn't even get to the part were I prance around with Jay's corpse as a dance partner!

DALTON: That was kind of gruesome anyway.

CHUCK: That's not the point, man! I signed up to take over the Tonight Show as a morbid biker host! If I sign up to take over the Tonight Show, I want to take over the Tonight Show!

STEVE: Hey, who the heck are these guys?

*camera pans around to the back of the room to reveal about a dozen figures standing in the audience. Each wears body armor and carries a very large gun. Instead of faces, they have metal-plated skulls strewn with machinery*

EVERSOR: We are the Eversor.

CHUCK: What the heck do you want?

EVERSOR: We are employed to remove loose ends. These scene has been cut from the continuity. Therefore it no longer exists. Therefore you no longer exist.

DALTON: Wait just a damn-

*the EVERSOR open up on the four of them and blow them all away. Then they turn and start planting melta bombs all over the set*

CHRIS: Dammit, I didn't even get one stinking line!

*Kaboom. Blackout. CUT TO: KUJA again*

YOSHI: You were just looking for an excuse to put those guys in, weren't you?

KUJA: So?

YOSHI: Uh, nothing. Just making an observation.

KUJA: They should just feel grateful I didn't make it a bunch of Culexus. Not that, that would be painful. At least with Eversors you don't get the feeling of your soul being sucked out through your nostrils.

YOSHI: Hey, how many chapters did you say you still had to go?

KUJA: Only a couple. This story's almost done.

*pause*

YOSHI: Isn't this the part where one of us makes a joke?

KUJA: No this is the part where the ninja stabs the pirate through the back and severs his spine.

YOSHI: What? Oh, that was the joke, right?

*at this point the NINJA draws his katana and jams it right through the PIRATE'S back, severing his spine*

KUJA: No.

YOSHI: Now you're just doing it to spite me.

KUJA: Yes.

YOSHI: That's it, I quit this editing job. All I ever do around here is fetch beers and put out cigarettes. With my bare skin. That hurts, you know.

*pause*

KUJA: I don't smoke.

Instant Sunrise · Post by **Instant Sunrise** » 2006-04-15 01:57pm

Whee! Real update!

Awesome new chapter Kuja.

Noble Ire · Post by **Noble Ire** » 2006-04-15 05:41pm

I always wondered how they cut scenes from over-long films...

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2006-04-15 08:46pm

Hey, as long as I get my severance pay.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2006-04-16 09:29pm

Darth Yoshi wrote:Hey, as long as I get my severance pay.

You get severance pay? Why don't I get paid for this? I mean, I showed up... for like... three scenes...

Lindar · Post by **Lindar** » 2006-04-16 11:10pm

*tackles Kuja and clings purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* SQuee*

Darth Yoshi · Post by **Darth Yoshi** » 2006-04-17 06:33pm

Singular Quartet wrote:You get severance pay? Why don't I get paid for this? I mean, I showed up... for like... three scenes...

It's all in the Elven-patented Super Ultra Fine Print™.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2006-04-18 10:36am

Darth Yoshi wrote:
Singular Quartet wrote:You get severance pay? Why don't I get paid for this? I mean, I showed up... for like... three scenes...
It's all in the Elven-patented Super Ultra Fine Print™.

*checks contract with microscope*

Dammit!

Post by **Kuja** » 2006-05-03 09:18pm

Chapter 30: Endings Suck

*OPEN UP in the middle of the street*

KUJA: So wait a minute, we ALL left our kids for Zaia to babysit? AT ONCE?

MARINA: Don't look at me, I called in advance.

TYPHONIS: I don't think I want to go in there now.

STRAVO: The lights are off...

MRS KENDALL: That's not necessarily a good thing.

SINGULAR: Yeah, she could be lying in wait for us.

*TEVAR winds up and gives NITRAM a kick in the arse*

TEVAR: You've got the invisibility spell, you go check it out.

NITRAM: Hell no! And you can't ever withhold enough sex to make me!

TEVAR: Don't be too certain about that...

MARINA/KUJA: Oh for hell's sake.

*they give each other a wary glance, then leave the group and vanish around the corners of opposite houses. A minute later, an oversized viper and a large wolf approach ZAIA'S house from opposing sides*

SINGULAR: Because nobody will find anything strange about that. Nope. Not at all.

MRS KENDALL: Hush.

*a minute later KUJA and MARINA come back*

KUJA: I think they're asleep. Come on.

*the group of PARENTS edges their way up the driveway to the front door*

CPL KENDALL: Huh. It's unlocked.

*he pushes the door open and they creep in nervously*

KUJA: Oh, here they are.

*ZAIA sits asleep in an easy chair with ALETIA curled up on her lap, CHIBIZILLA and CYRAN sprawled at opposite ends of the couch, BRAINCHILD on the coffee table, LINDAR underneath it, and NANAHI draped across the ceiling fan*

STRAVO: Wow. They all look so comfortable.

*the parents gather their kids silently and leave some generous tips for ZAIA on the coffee table (hey, I'd say she's earned pretty much anything they give her) before leaving*

KUJA: You know, they all looked so comfy. Zaia must be a great babysitter.

MARINA: Maybe she'd be willing to do it again sometime.

*the lights fly on and ZAIA sticks her head out the door*

ZAIA: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

KUJA: Maybe not!

MARINA: Let's get out of here!

*they bolt*

Elheru Aran · Post by **Elheru Aran** » 2006-05-03 09:28pm

Heh, cute. So this is the end? Ah well... it was a great run while it was goin', though!

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2006-05-03 09:34pm

well besides brining in the original shibis I'm supprised I haven't shown up in this thing yet, good work Kuja...

now where is that HK unit up too....

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2006-05-03 10:13pm

You lay down my sarcasm better than I do. It makes me feel vonderbar.

And an excellent ending to an excellent piece of work.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2006-05-03 10:25pm

Now that I've finally read the whole thing, I just want to ask what I did to piss off Kuja and wind up as Cyran's Mommy.

BTW... the Lovecraftian limbs are going by way of ESUNA and HOLY. As long as he's under my roof, there's no dealings with Lovecraftian Entities.

Captain Cyran · Post by **Captain Cyran** » 2006-05-03 10:44pm

Bah, I shall not live under your tyranical non-lovecraftian rule! I shall find a way to reverse the effects!

Lindar · Post by **Lindar** » 2006-05-04 12:39pm

*kicks Cyran* You willna! You'll do what you're told and like it!*NYAHHHHHH*

YAY!*snugs Kuja* more stories please?

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2006-05-04 12:45pm

This is....weird.

But funny.

Darth Fanboy · Post by **Darth Fanboy** » 2006-05-04 12:48pm

WAAAAAGAH! YOU FUCKERSS WHY DO YOU POST AND GET MY HOPES UP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS GARBAGE ANY MORE! WHY DON'T YOU....

Oh there really was an update.

Part Three of "The Kuja Trilogy" will be highly anticipated. Moving From Stravo, to Zaia, who will the centerpiece be in what should be an even tof nearly apocalyptic porportions?

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2006-05-04 12:52pm

How shep,fanboy and falk got their groove high?

Vehrec · Post by **Vehrec** » 2006-05-04 01:39pm

No, it shall be a glorious mocking of our Fearless Leader! Or somthing like that. Anyways, people shall be mocked, and THAT is what is important. . . I think.

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2006-05-04 01:58pm

well for ganking mike in a fanfic, I'm still working on that parody of RPG computer games, which features the party killing him for the XP repeatably (since he always respawns for quests).

Post by **Steve** » 2006-05-04 05:03pm

Nice ending. Seems a bit forced, though....

Mark S · Post by **Mark S** » 2006-05-05 09:19pm

Ending?! But where am I?! I need a big finish! A big finish!!

LaCroix · Post by **LaCroix** » 2006-05-08 06:27am

@ Mark S

Poor boy, you just reminded him that you are still left.. Let's hope he doesn't see you as a "loose end"... Watch out for Eversor activity...

Ford Prefect · Post by **Ford Prefect** » 2006-05-08 06:41am

Well, the world didn't explode. I think we can all say to ourselves: Completely missed oppurtunity there, Kuja. But still, I enjoyed this pieces. It was quite often funny, and I almost killed a friend telling him about it.

Anomie · Post by **Anomie** » 2006-05-08 03:01pm

Mark S wrote:Ending?! But where am I?! I need a big finish! A big finish!!

You were summoned away, remember. Wasn't that battle a nice big finish for you?

Good fic, to bad it's ended.