Child of Man (40K) +15: Harlequinade

[Vanas]

Unless the Emperor *does* have pity upon this adopted Child of Man....

The Emperor can do whatever the hell He likes, for His Own divine amusement.

It is His Blessing, His Curse.

[PeZook]

I was a little skeptical of the concept at first, but the execution is first-class.

And I don't really think that a standard year is a long time for the Inquisition to find one man on an entire planet, unless they engage in a gigantic manhunt. A planet is a big place.

Though I do wonder - how the hell did the Guard know Tomas deserted? They must've lost hundreds of thousands of men during a planetary invasion, many of them would be mangled beyond any kind of recognition or just plain incinerated. So how did they realize Tomas was still alive, just dodging the roll calls?

[Elheru Aran]

I was a little skeptical of the concept at first, but the execution is first-class.

And I don't really think that a standard year is a long time for the Inquisition to find one man on an entire planet, unless they engage in a gigantic manhunt. A planet is a big place.

Though I do wonder - how the hell did the Guard know Tomas deserted? They must've lost hundreds of thousands of men during a planetary invasion, many of them would be mangled beyond any kind of recognition or just plain incinerated. So how did they realize Tomas was still alive, just dodging the roll calls?

Presumably one of his buddies noticed his absence and squealed. Also, I'm guessing the Guard probably logs gene-codes of each soldier as a sort of DNA dog-tag. One thing that's easy to forget about 40K is that it *really* is very high-tech; it's just clothed behind so much mysticism and dark-age thought that it's hard to remember.

That said, here's more story...

++++++++++++++++
A few months later
Yorkis regional airfield

The Thunderhawk growled its way through the air, and as Vehrec exchanged invective with the adept in the traffic-control tower, Meirax scrolled through the reports he’d gathered from the regional arbites as the investigation had proceeded. There had been several Kaldens in the Praetorians; apparently it was a common enough name, which frustrated the investigation.

But this was a promising enough lead—a farmer Kalden in the mountains, who emerged rarely to sell large piles of furs or leather, as well as grains and dairy products. Recently registered as adopting a foundling child. And the kicker—a tech-adept at the local arbites had logged a suspicion of xenos involvement, due to the appearance of Kalden’s daughter which set off his xeno-ident files…

He looked up from the dataslate and shouted, “Snowman! On the control deck now!”

Feet clattered up the stairs, and the sniper poked his head through the door; Meirax copied the relevant files to a smaller dataslate and handed it to him, noting, “You may use that tau gun of yours if you need it. But your mission is to find them and that’s it. I’ve detached some funds for your use; rent a quad and use that to get into the mountains. Track them down and report back immediately to me. Understood?”

Snowman leisurely took the small dataslate, scrolled through it, and nodded, red hair swaying gently in the air reclaimer’s breeze. The aircraft rumbled familiarly, and swung about upon a descent heading; Vehrec toggled a rune upon the console and called out through the ship’s intervox, “Landing in a minute. Advise all passengers buckle up your crash webbing.”

Once landed and the rear hatch folded down, Snowman got up and grabbed his pack, and a long rectangular case; tucking the small dataslate into a leg pocket and donning a large-brimmed hat, he strode down the ramp to vanish in the town. Meirax turned to Vehrec and handed him another dataslate, and asked, “Stay here till we need you. Snowman, Father Gale and I are going to do most of the legwork. The Guardsmen will stay here as well. We don’t need to be marching about with an armed bodyguard in this hick village. If we need you, we’ll vox and you bring them. Understood?”

The pilot nodded and shoved back his seat, turning around to head outside to ident the necessary papers. Meirax stood and strode outside, the massive form of the cleric behind him. He spoke out loud without turning his head,

“Father Gale? I think we’re getting close.”

“Positive,” the cleric intoned flatly in agreement, eyes dead.

That evening; Kalden’s Pond Farm

Tomas Kalden stood upon the ladder leading up to Tanith’s bedroom, head poking above the floor. He contemplated his adoptive daughter and sighed, looking for he didn’t know how many times at her face, the aquiline, sharp features illuminated by the moonlight. A pointed ear lifted gracefully from the side of her head, paralleling the line of her cheekbones.

He sighed again and descended the ladder. Mari stood by it, looking up at him, concern in her expression. Quietly she asked, “Are you all right?”

“I don’t know. I keep seeing her and our guest together, and he seems to be teaching her how to use those powers of hers. Soon enough, Mari, she’s going to realize she’s not human. I know we told her all those years ago when she was growing up that she’s just fine, just a little different because of the warp-touch on the colony ship that brought her ancestors to Praetorius Primaris, but she’s old enough to reason it out now. And what about this?”

He held up a small, oval stone on a light cord seemingly woven out of metal; as it turned in the moonlight, alien glyphs glittered upon its surface.
She frowned and looked at him, “Tomas, I thought you were going to get rid of that. It’s a xeno artifact, and I told you it’d only bring us trouble…”

He insisted, “It’s the only link we have to her past. I found it around her neck when I took her out of her crib in that eldar city. I think it has her name on it, maybe her parents. Soon enough, we have to tell her, Mari…”

She shook her head, doubt written on her features. Petr gurgled in his sleep, and she went to the side of his crib, looking at the boy. Quietly she asked, “Do you ever wish we’d had children of our own, Tomas?”

Coming up behind her and gently laying a hand upon her shoulder, he looked directly at her and answered just as quietly, “Yes. Sometimes. But, Mari, we have a wonderful daughter, and a beautiful son. They are gifts of our God-Emperor, brought to us by His Will, and they have blessed us. We can only strive to do our best for them, and for each other, love.”

Silently, she nodded and leaned against him, resting her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

Early the next morning, Tomas arose and dressed, then went to the barn.
Though he knew Mari would come later to do it, he took the basket off its hook and went to the yard-birds’ pen, sliding his hand under each one roosting and taking its freshly laid eggs. Once the basket was filled, contemplatively he took the scythe off its hook and took out the file to sharpen it; the yard needed trimming.

As the file slid along the blade, the quiet metallic scrape filled the room; he mused to himself, “I wonder if it’s better to go ahead and talk to her first, or wait for her to ask…?”

A voice sounded from behind him and he jumped, snatching his hand away from the scythe as he dropped it, looking around as their guest finished his comment, “I think she knows already anyway.”

“Sorry about that. Didn’t realize I was speaking,” and Tomas paused as he realized he’d just told the guy (why didn’t they know his name, he realized as well) Tanith wasn’t human. Casually he bent and picked up the scythe, and continued, “speaking aloud. Sorry, I tend to woolgather like that. What do you mean, she knows anyway?”

He gave Tomas a direct look, and responded, “Don’t be disingenuous. I know she’s eldar. And you can put any thought of killing me with that scythe out of your head; I’m not going to spill the gumes on you or her. I’ve seen too many eldar killed to want to see one more exterminated just to satisfy the holy ordos.”

Tomas reluctantly hung the scythe back up, and pointed the file at him, asking pointedly, “And what do the holy ordos have to do with you, mister? And by the Holy Name of the Emperor, just what is your name anyway?”

He smiled mirthlessly and responded, “My name doesn’t matter. As I told Tanith a while ago, I was once an agent of the Ordo Xenos. I helped them in the command of the Imperium’s forces that defeated the eldar, and I led kill-teams of stormtroopers through the wraithbone cities to exterminate the survivors. Eldar might be heartless bastards when it comes to mon-keigh, but they’re an intelligent, self-aware species just trying to survive. They didn’t need to be purged like this. I’m not going to have the blood of another on my hands.”

At the haunted look in his eyes, Tomas knew. He nodded mutely and dug into his pocket, where the cool stone met his fingertips. He looked up at the agent—former agent, he supposed—and inquired, “You wouldn’t happen to know how to read their runes, would you?”

He looked up, eyebrows furrowing, and nodded. “I have some small experience. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to read it all, but I can give you the gist of it at least. What do you want me to look at?”

Tomas held out the stone; he took it and tilted it in the sun. Taking out a graph-stub from his pocket, he found a scrap of planed wood and began sketching out the glyphs as he went. Looking over what he drew, his brows drew together and he cast a sharp look at Tomas. Slowly he asked, “How did you get this?”

“We were attacking City Kappa. I don’t know its eldar name. The sergeant heard a commotion in one of the buildings nearby, called in an earthshaker strike. It came in a little short, but broke the building. We ran in and shot them down, though one of their leader warriors was in there and he killed a few of us before Hastus with the melta fried him. We followed procedure and finished off any of the ones that were still alive, and I saw they’d been children mostly. Everybody left and I was rearguard, but then I saw motion. She hadn’t cried at all… I don’t know. I pray she never remembers. That was around her neck.”

The ex-ordos man shook his head and turned over the wood, and scribbled letters on it. He handed it to Tomas, who scanned them—they began, “Taernaeth ap Matholyk aes Anath.” Looking up, incomprehension in his expression, he shrugged. The other guy responded slowly, “She’s the daughter of Farseer Anath, heir of the Matholyk line of farseers. You had better pray her people never come back for her, Kalden, because they’re going to want her, and soon. You’ve got a psychic bomb waiting to happen with her if I can’t teach her how to control her powers…”

[Vehrec]

If the Inquisitor's backup is just guardsmen, he's gonna need more backup. On the other hand, those guardsmen are riding in a thunderhawk. That should be more than enough to blow up any damn Eldar vehicles from the air. Fully loaded, it comes with 6 missiles, battle cannon, 4 twin linked heavy bolters, and a pair of lascannons. What could that puny Wraithlord mecha scum do to this flying fortress of the Emperor? My self confidence in my own survival would be complete. . . were it not for Father Gale. I've seen more talkative Necrons.
Back on the subject of the Eldar. . . we haven't seen them in a while. Where are those xenos? I thought this world would have a ranger under every rock or somthing! *eyes a rock, and begins inputing all the suspicious cover in sight into the Thunderhawk's firing computer*

[PeZook]

I thought this world would have a ranger under every rock or somthing! *eyes a rock, and begins inputing all the suspicious cover in sight into the Thunderhawk's firing computer*

You're not the subtle kind of Inquisitorial flunky, are you?

[LadyTevar]

Some Constructive criticism, my friend:

Tomas held out the stone; he took it and tilted it in the sun. Taking out a graph-stub from his pocket, he found a scrap of planed wood and began sketching out the glyphs as he went. Looking over what he drew, his brows drew together and he cast a sharp look at Tomas. Slowly he asked, “How did you get this?”

It's a little unclear if it was Tomas or the Man With No Name doing this. I had to read it a couple times to realize who was doing it.

[Vehrec]

Thunderhawks man. Hard to be subtle when you're flying a 76 ton gunship with enough firepower to hull a freaking Baneblade. I leave subtle to people who don't have my paranoia and love of explosions.

[Lindar]

*claps* more Tanny please!

[Vanas]

In the grim future of 40k, there can be quite charming scenes of pleasant life, about to be bloodily shattered by screaming zealots. I guess on average, that's war.

Back on the subject of the Eldar. . . we haven't seen them in a while. Where are those xenos?

[Elheru Aran]

Thunderhawks man. Hard to be subtle when you're flying a 76 ton gunship with enough firepower to hull a freaking Baneblade. I leave subtle to people who don't have my paranoia and love of explosions.

Correction: Although unstated, the Thunderhawk was stripped for parts by the Adeptus Astartes Praetorians. It's only got the heavy bolters and some additions you'll see later.

And Vanas: You don't have long to wait before the Eldar return, although I already alluded to them earlier...

Tevar: Thanks, didn't notice that. I'll adjust it later. It's kind of hard to speak of a guy when you don't have a name to stick onto him

[LadyTevar]

Thunderhawks man. Hard to be subtle when you're flying a 76 ton gunship with enough firepower to hull a freaking Baneblade. I leave subtle to people who don't have my paranoia and love of explosions.

Correction: Although unstated, the Thunderhawk was stripped for parts by the Adeptus Astartes Praetorians. It's only got the heavy bolters and some additions you'll see later.

And Vanas: You don't have long to wait before the Eldar return, although I already alluded to them earlier...

Tevar: Thanks, didn't notice that. I'll adjust it later. It's kind of hard to speak of a guy when you don't have a name to stick onto him

I will point out that in one movie The Man With No Name was called Preacher. I can't remember what they called him in "Hang 'Em High".

[Elheru Aran]

I will point out that in one movie The Man With No Name was called Preacher. I can't remember what they called him in "Hang 'Em High".

I've been discussing that with Andrea for some time. We decided his memory of his early years was suppressed in the scholams; the name given him there is now distasteful to him due to its association with his Ordos service.

I'll put forth a few short character summaries if anybody wants them...?

[LadyTevar]

I will point out that in one movie The Man With No Name was called Preacher. I can't remember what they called him in "Hang 'Em High".

I've been discussing that with Andrea for some time. We decided his memory of his early years was suppressed in the scholams; the name given him there is now distasteful to him due to its association with his Ordos service.

I'll put forth a few short character summaries if anybody wants them...?

Aww... and here I just looked up all the stuff on "Man with no Name" on Wiki.

[Elheru Aran]

I will point out that in one movie The Man With No Name was called Preacher. I can't remember what they called him in "Hang 'Em High".

I've been discussing that with Andrea for some time. We decided his memory of his early years was suppressed in the scholams; the name given him there is now distasteful to him due to its association with his Ordos service.

I'll put forth a few short character summaries if anybody wants them...?

Aww... and here I just looked up all the stuff on "Man with no Name" on Wiki.

No worries, so did I-- how do you think I got the pic?

More seriously, I'll definitely be considering the contribution...

Anybody up for the character summaries, incidentally? They'll include tasty background information!

[LadyTevar]

Do I have to jump up and down? YES, we want extras.

[Elheru Aran]

Do I have to jump up and down? YES, we want extras.

No problem. Give me a few days or so...

Any nominations for whom you all want first? Minor characters are up for grabs too...

[Elheru Aran]

+++ IDENT RECORD: BEGIN +++

Name: Unknown, not submitted. Referred to as 'Blue' by some due to his blue eyes. It is believed that he refuses to give his name as the schola progenium erased his original birth name, and the name given him there has become distasteful to him.

Age: Also unknown, but has mentioned rejuvenat work. Signs show probably twenty to thirty years removed from appearance of actual age; most probably approximately fifty to fifty-five years of age.

General characteristics: Normally wears range outfits, leather wide-brimmed herdsman's hat, colorful serapes. Bears no weapons in plain sight except a knife on his belt, but has a shuriken pistol of xenos manufacture in his saddlebags; he is capable of concealing this about his person. Strong forehead, piercing eyes of dark blue tint, often doesn't bother shaving so is frequently stubbled. Fast reflexes, in good physical condition.

Special abilities: Former member of the Ordo Xenos, presumably an Interrogator or member of a retinue. Has psychic abilities, extremely well controlled and concealed; perhaps Delta level. Seems to resist actively using his powers. Capable of reading Eldar script to some degree; may be able to use their devices?

History: Brought up in the schola progeniums, has no memory of his past before then as it was suppressed by the schola. Snapped up by an Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos and trained further as a sanctioned psyker. Joined Lord High Marshal Martyn Chemmis' crusade of reclaimation with his master; assisted in the attack upon Khalembrasil in which Tanith Kalden was found. Faithful service to the Emperor for a decade afterward; after end of Lord Chemmis' campaign, abruptly resigned his position. Disappeared from Inquisitorial scrutiny; sector-wide alert quietly broadcast to all Ordos.

Best conclusion from available data for this move is that he 'had his fill' of executing xenos and decided to abandon his duty and become a common man.

The Holy Ordos of the God-Emperor strongly recommends any person with information upon this miscreant and heretic to submit said information via the nearest encrypted astropath to the planetary delegation of the Ordo Xenos. Let every citizen of the Imperium of Man do their duty!

[Elheru Aran]

Johan Vehrec

+++ Pilot/mechanic; experienced in a large variety of airspeeders and groundcraft. Certificated lay brother of the Mechanicus.

+++ Extensive augmetics upon hands and forearms, and nervous system. Facilitates linking directly with vehicle control systems permitting more intuitive piloting. A more crude but nonetheless effective bastardization of the Glavian designs.

+++ Former Imperial Navy Thunderbolt, Thunderhawk, and Arvus lighter pilot; familar with various weapons systems and the use and maintenance thereof.

Dandalo Eino, 'Snowman'

+++ Family from Valhalla, but born and raised in hive of Nawlans

+++ Highly skilled sniper; prefers a xenos weapon taken from a Tau he executed over 500 metres with a single shot of his long-las, a 'railgun'.

+++ Does not keep tally of his kills but is believed to have supported over 420 missions

+++ Imbibes in prodigious amount clear, strong grain liquor and the dried leaves of cannabis sativa.

Sergeant Matti Buchar

+++ Leads squad of 20 Cadian Guardsmen

+++ Born and raised Kasr Lutyjen, Cadia; trained and educated there, as were most of his men.

+++ Detailed to Inquisitor Nachtmann Grund about five years ago; served well since then. Men are highly experienced and well trained in fighting xenos menaces.

Reverend Lavr Gale

+++ Ecclesiarchy pastor attached to Inquisitor Grund's retinue

+++ Unspecified but presumably extensive augmetic modifications, unknown extent but likely running through most of his body. Certainly capable of para-human reaction speeds and reflexes.

+++ Prefers fighting with paired stub-pistols, extended magazines, or a pair of bolt-pistols. Does not seem to wear armour aside from heavy Ecclesiarchy attire.

[Dartzap]

I can already tell Father Gale is the person pulling the strings in the shadows


...

[Vanas]

The xeno-loving cogitator spewing this heretical drivel that is impugning the work of one of His most scared Ordos informed us that the filters the news service were using to render the auspex images more palatable have been incorrectly coloured. Needless to say, the techpriest responsible is now taking suitable penance.

[Lonestar]

Sergeant Matti Buchar

+++ Leads squad of 20 Cadian Guardsmen

+++ Born and raised Kasr Lutyjen, Cadia; trained and educated there, as were most of his men.

+++ Detailed to Inquisitor Nachtmann Grund about five years ago; served well since then. Men are highly experienced and well trained in fighting xenos menaces.

That Matti Buchar sounds like one kinda Hardass. I bet he can defeat a Word Bearer in single combat....


...or sit around and eat Doritos, close enough.

[Elheru Aran]

Ba-dummmmm psh!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Days later
Mountain above Kalden’s Pond Farm

In the shade, atop a large boulder underneath trees, binox lowered as Snowman peered sharply at the farm below. He’d been watching them for some time after making his way up the mountain. The tau railgun laid upon a cloth by his side; if he saw them trying to run, he would cripple their vehicle. But he hadn’t seen the supposed eldar girl in all that time. He was beginning to wonder if she existed. All he’d seen so far was two men and an older woman, sometimes a baby. One of the men wasn’t on the dataslate’s ident records; he supposed that guy might be a local worker.

Motion below; automatically he lifted the binox to take a closer look. Braided dark hair flashed redly in the sun as a petite figure strode out of the forest, holding the body of a deer almost as large as itself upon its shoulders. The binox clicked and whirred as he thumbed the ‘amplify’ rune and the view went out of focus; he cursed under his breath as he hit the rune again, whispering invective against its machine-spirit. He looked again, and she’d vanished; but a quick pan of the optics brought her back into closer view.

A feral grin appeared upon his features as he saw the pointed ears, the sharp features, the bone structure…

Reaching out and grabbing a commbead, he activated the long-range vox unit and whispered, “Interrogator? Positive confirmation of target. Request permission to sanction?”

Meirax’s voice crackled over the vox connection, “Permission denied! We must have them alive! But you can take out any vehicles they have, any riding beasts. We will board the Thunderhawk immediately and proceed with all due speed to your location. Do not allow them to escape whatsoever!”

“Understood. Snowman out.”

“Meirax out. And for the love of the Emperor, I repeat, don’t shoot any of them!”

The channel clicked closed, and he tossed the commbead back into his pack, disgusted expression on his face. He knew he shouldn’t shoot till Meirax got close, so not to tip them off; but he definitely wanted to. Oh yes, he wanted to exercise his baby, his railgun that he had taken from the corpse of an opposing tau sniper, who’d been trying to get him, except he had gotten the tau first…

Pulling it over to him, he carefully opened the chamber, and inserted a heavy solid cone-shaped tungsten slug. Powering it up for a moment, blue lights shone as the rails’ capacitators hissed into action and the battery showed all power ready; turning it off, he laid it closer by his side and lifted the binox, waiting…

Yorkis airfield

“Get on there now!” Meirax bellowed at the Guardsmen, jogging up the ramp from the ground-bus they’d commandeered at the tavern where they had taken up residence. They flung their packs into the Thunderhawk and took their seats, several tightening the straps of their flak armour, some looking over their lasrifles and making sure they were ready for action.

The interrogator strode up onto the control deck, and addressed Vehrec, “Johan? Can you hurry it up?”

The pilot snapped irritably, “You can’t hurry the Emperor-damned machine spirit! She’s in poor enough shape as it is, I wasn’t able to get enough parts and had to transgress the Mechanicus dicta for repair. She only has enough charge for one shot from the turbolaser, incidentally. More than one shot and we won’t be able to lift again without another charge. Better make that count…”

Meirax growled, annoyed, and looked out at the passengers. Everybody was aboard; he nodded to Buchar, and the sergeant slapped the closing rune. The rear door slowly lifted upward, sealing with a hiss and the atmosphere reclaimer began cycling a cool breeze through the interior. He turned as Vehrec lifted a hand to the comm augmetic implanted in place of his ear and called out, “One minute to take-off, gentlemen. Buckle up and prepare for high accel. We’re going to make some good time, can’t lose these heretics!”

Kalden’s Pond; evening

Tanith stepped back from dressing the small lem-buck she’d killed in the forest earlier that day, and looked about the farm. Her senses were tense today for some reason. The skin on the back of her neck kept crawling, and for some reason she kept looking up at the mountain. She’d noticed her father and the ex-ordos man acting similarly nervous as well. She didn’t know what it was, probably nothing…

A certain rumble reached her ear, a powerful bass thrum, yet very distant. She looked, squinting against the sunset, and there was a spot approaching through the air. Some sort of flyer? Heading in their direction? She opened her mouth, ready to call out to her father and get his attention…

Up on the mountain, Snowman leisurely peered through the optics. The quad had very kindly been cranked recently, and its engine was still warm; the blacksun filter mounted upon the tau gun was capable of peering through the cool wood walls of the barn and picking out the heat of the engine. He took a slow breath and released it, and pressed the trigger.

A banshee screech lanced through the air, and the side of the barn facing the mountain shattered as a flaming lance blasted through the air; a moment later, explosively the quad detonated as the white-hot ablating railgun slug tore its way through its metal as though it was paper. The barn went up in the explosion, erupting at one end and the other flying apart, sending boards and timber tumbling through the air.

Tanith flung herself flat, stunned by the explosion; down at the side of the yard, Kalden flung down his scythe and sprinted towards the house with speed belying his age. A moment later he emerged with his Guard lasgun in hand, and shouted, “Tanith! Where are you?”

She stood and sprinted to his side; he reached out, expression frantic, and shouted, “Get in the house, get Petr and your mother and take them into the forest! Go! No time!”

The flyer screeched through the air above the farm; it slowed as its side doors dropped open and an autocannon barrel poked through at each side, opening fire. Dirt fountained around Kalden, and he dove for cover through the cellar door. The barking snarl of a shuriken weapon sounded behind him, and he turned to see the ordos man sticking an eldar pistol through the cellar door, firing futilely at the armoured Thunderhawk.

The monomolecular razor-edged disks simply shattered against its adamantium-reinforced ceramite body; a moment later, autocannon shells detonated by the cellar door, spraying them with dirt. They crouched down and Kalden shouted, “What are you doing here?!”

He shouted back, “Your wife wanted me to help with putting up these shelves here! Your girl took her and the boy and ran into the woods! We should follow!”

They flinched as they could hear autocannon shells exploding in the house, and one came through the floor above to explode in the cellar. Tomas nodded, and they sprinted for the inside door, running up the stairway and sprinting across the porch into the forest as shells followed them.

The Thunderhawk rumbled to a landing; the Guardsmen, black armour tight and lasguns at the ready, darted out and took flanking positions. Meirax and Gale strode out, the Ecclesiarchy priest holding a pair of massive bolt-pistols. He leisurely lifted his hand and engaged the commbead in his ear, and with tones of satisfaction said, “Sergeant, deploy your men and search the forest. Use your auspexes, they probably know all the good hiding places and they’ll take a bit of finding. Snowman: good timing. Vehrec, go up and get our sniper. Father Gale, you’re with me. Let’s see how corrupted these heretics are…”

[Lindar]

That's not fair!!!

Attacking a farm when night's falling... not fair at all.

[Hawkwings]

Farm. At night. And a forest nearby. This screams "TRAP" to me. Either that or "ZOMBIES!"

[Vanas]

I'd say it's closer to apple-shaped. Not quite perfect, but not exactly utterly screwed up yet.