Bad Anime

[Shroom Man 777]

Sorry for the late replies. I read the previous chapter on a comp that couldn't reply to SDnet, anyway...damn! This is pretty good.

Gurgle!

Okay.

Ehhhh?

I like how it really satires typical anime cliches, but does so in a really cool and rather unique (and pseudo-intelligent) way.

[Sidewinder]

Thanks, Shroom Man 777, but what do you mean by "pseudo-intelligent way"?

[Shroom Man 777]

In that it's obviously not dumb, but still silly

[Sidewinder]

Sorry for the slow updates, writer's block is now affecting Eros and Psyche as well. Here's the first part of Chapter 6.
-----
Johnny entered the break room to see Beherit reading a comic book. "Should we rehearse our lines?" he asked, holding up the script for the episode they'd film today.

"Of course. Let me finish this doujinshi," self-published book, "first," the Red Legion leader answered. "Ha! This is hilarious."

Johnny poured himself a cup of coffee and then sat down in front of Beherit. He saw the comic book cover; it had a picture of himself standing behind Nadeshiko, his right hand on the girl's breast and his left reaching underneath her panties. "What are you reading?"

"'Enslaved Ragnarök'. It has you conspiring with me to turn the female cast into sex slaves. Do you wish to read it when I am done?"

"I don't need a masturbation aid," the warrant officer coldly stated.

The Red Legion leader turned a page. "By the way, who is the woman named Aimei? Your original girlfriend?"

"Aimei was Aizhan's original name." Johnny took a sip.

"Aimei means, 'Love Beauty,' yes? It's more fitting for a woman. Why did she change it?"

"She didn't want to become deredere." The warrant officer turned to the door. "Put away the book. Now."

"Why have you suddenly become a prude?"

"Ai--"

The door opened. "Guten Morgen," Aizhan greeted as she marched around the table, towards the coffee maker; she stopped right behind Beherit, and seized the book.

"Hey!" the Red Legion leader protested.

"Gott in Himmel, what is this?!" the tsundere girl demanded.

"A doujinshi."

Black fur covered Aizhan's forearms as her fingernails became claws, which tore into the book; she began to growl. "This... is an insult. I... will avenge this insult. And the artist... will pay... in blood." She turned to the door.

"If you take that, you'll owe me one thousand yen," Beherit stated.

Aizhan took out her wallet and threw a ¥1000 bill behind her back. "Tell the director... I'll be late." The tsundere girl exited the break room; one minute later, a mechanical roar was heard as the MKX raced away from the hangar.

The Red Legion leader picked up the ¥1000 bill. "Damn. Now I need to get another copy... assuming I can find one after Aizhan burns down the city to destroy the doujinshi."

"I don't think she'll go that far." Johnny opened the script to the scene they were filming today. "Let's rehearse."

***

BAD ANIME CHAPTER 6: KNOCKING BOOTS

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007-2008.

***

The building, where the doujinshi was published, burned. "Help!" "Fire!" Panicking men threw chairs, computers, monitors, and scanners at the windows, and then climbed out of the windows, cutting their hands on the broken glass; they ignored the pain as they dropped onto the street below.

Aizhan threw an incendiary grenade at a box of doujinshi waiting to be sold. The werewolf marched through the flames, towards the fire escape; she kicked the door, which flew off its hinges.

A nodachi, a Japanese field sword with a 152-centimeter-long blade, cut the flying door in half; the nodachi had two serrated blades moving independently back and forth along tracks extending from the handle, like the electric knife a housewife would used to carve a turkey. Anna's stance changed; she held her nodachi horizontally, ready to thrust.

Aizhan sheathed her chainsword and transformed back to human form. "Guten Morgen, Officer... Mason, yes? Johnny's woman?"

"Are you the one who set this building on fire?" the policewoman demanded.

"Yes."

"You're under arrest."

The tsundere girl watched the policewoman's magnetic field lift a pair of handcuffs out of their holder to hover in front of her. 'Psychokinesis? Interesting... a worthy opponent.' "I was avenging an insult." She slowly reached into an ammo pouch to retrieve the doujinshi, opened it to the page where Aimei was being violated, and held the book in front of Anna.

The policewoman blushed at the scene. "You work with Johnny Tsurugi, right? Is he... into that?"

"You don't know?"

"Our relationship hasn't advanced that far," Anna admitted.

"Johnny's sex life is none of my concern; he's smart enough to keep it that way."

The policewoman sheathed her sword as the handcuffs returned to their holder. "Can you take me to Johnny? I have some questions for him."

"Very well. And the fire?"

Anna had no sympathy for pornographers. "I called the fire department; they'll handle it."
-----
Johnny has some explaining to do.

[Shroom Man 777]

Christ, you're making fun out of every facet of Japanese animation and manga! Congratulations, man! This must be the greatest subversion-fic I've read.

[Sidewinder]

In the hangar, Beherit stood with the script in his left hand; his right pointed a broom, a substitute for his combination weapon, at Johnny. "Time to die." He frowned. "That's so cliché. And how can we talk to each other when I'm in BAAL and you're in ULTRA One? I doubt you and I are incompetent enough to let an enemy have our radio frequencies."

Spice felt Johnny's eyes upon her. "The SOP," standard operating procedure, "requires us to monitor the International Air Distress frequency. I assume you two will use that frequency to communicate with each other."

Johnny took out a pen. "We better put that in the script." He turned to the golden-haired sexaroid. "Spice, say, 'We're receiving a transmission on the International Air Distress frequency,' before Beherit's lines begin."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid watched the Red Legion leader take out a pen and mirror the warrant officer's actions. "Mister Tsurugi, I'm receiving a transmission from Sugar. Lieutenant Yamato has fainted, and will be unable to attend the rehearsal at this time."

"What happened to her?" Johnny asked.

"Lieutenant Yamato fainted after she was shown a comic book depicting her as your sex slave. Police Sergeant Mason has arrived, and would like to speak with you."

Johnny, Beherit, and Spice turned to see Aizhan lead Anna into the hangar. "Good morning, Anna," the warrant officer greeted.

"Are you into...?" The policewoman blushed, unable to finish the question.

Aizhan opened the doujinshi to the page where Johnny violated the bound Nadeshiko, and held the book in front of the warrant officer. "She wants to know if you're into S & M," sadomasochism.

Johnny frowned. "If a man is so pathetic that he must tie up a woman to get some, he might as well point a gun at his own head, pull the trigger, and put himself out of his misery."

"So you don't intend to bind Officer Mason's hands and feet behind her back, suspend her from the ceiling, whip her breasts and buttocks, and then violate her?" the tsundere girl continued as the policewoman's face became as red as a cherry.

"Hell no."

"And how do you intend to... get some?" Anna asked, her left hand gripping the scabbard of her katana as the thumb pushing against the tsuba, or sword guard, ready to free the blade.

"Use my charisma. Offer gifts. Say gentle words praising a woman's virtues, her beauty and her flair, to thaw her heart. Convince her that we complement each other." The warrant officer watched the policewoman calm down and loosen her grip on the scabbard. "Shall we continue this at dinnertime? Say... 1800 hours at your favorite restaurant?"

"Okay," Anna answered.

[Shroom Man 777]

Ah Johnny, so sly. Heh, S&M

[Sidewinder]

The character designer put the hand-drawn picture into the scanner. Thump! He turned to see the doujinshi on his desk.

"Did you draw this?"

The character designer turned to see Aizhan pointing Raven's Kiss at his throat. "N-n-no."

"Then who? I know an XYZ employee drew this. How else would he know of Aimei?"

The chainsword still pointed at the character designer's throat; the man's sweat seemed to form steam as his overworked brain thought of an answer that would convince the tsundere girl to spare him. "An artist named Zero Douji designed the supporting cast." 'He was so unimaginative, he plagiarized his own designs; he won't be missed.' "He saw my designs for the main characters; I assume he's the one who drew the doujinshi."

"If you're lying, I'll have your spleen for lunch." Raven's Kiss was still pointed at the character designer as Aizhan backed out of the studio.

Then the character designer ran to the restroom; he reached a urinal just in time to let his bladder release the fear he felt since the tsundere girl entered the studio. "Never again..."

[Sidewinder]

The man's face, hands, and clothes were cut by broken glass; his hair was singed. "And then the mad bitch threw me out the window. As I lay on the road, I saw smoke rise from my apartment. All my art, my unpublished works," tears flowed down his cheeks, "gone."

Anna's pen danced on the report form as she wrote down the man's words. "Did the perpetrator give a motive for her crimes?"

"The mad bitch pointed at the doujinshi I drew and said she was avenging an insult."

The policewoman frowned. "You draw doujinshi?"

"Yes; they sell very well. The fans love to see the tsundere girls get violated until they become deredere." The man watched Anna throw the report into the air, draw her swords, and cut the paper into confetti. "What the hell are you doing?!" Then his eyes crossed to see the katana pointed at his throat.

"I have no sympathy for pornographers," Anna coldly said. "Leave, or I'll use you for tameshigiri," testing a new sword's sharpness."

The man's hands rose to gesture surrender as he backed away from the policewoman's desk.

[Shroom Man 777]

Poor....pooooor guy!

[Sidewinder]

Poor....pooooor guy!

No need to feel sympathy for the man-- he's a troll.

[Sidewinder]

"How was your day?" Anna asked. The off-duty policewoman wore a red cocktail dress, her daisho hanging from a black leather belt.

"Okay." Johnny, now wearing a black shirt under a black business suit, a pair of sunglasses tucked in his breast pocket, took a bite of his cheeseburger.

"You're a man of few words, aren't you?"

The warrant officer washed down the bite with some Whoopass Cola. "A battle ends when the last shot is fired, not when the last word is spoken."

"Can you tell me about your career?"

"According to my character bio, I was a Ranger who demonstrated psychic powers on my first deployment to Afghanistan. These powers allowed me to pilot an ULTRA, a giant robot featured in 'Frozen Ragnarök'; the Army sent me to WOCS," Warrant Officer Candidate School, "and then to ULTRA pilot training."

"And then?"

"Six months at NTC," the National Training Center at Fort Irwin, California, "developing urban warfare tactics, followed by a second deployment to Afghanistan, this time as an ULTRA pilot."

"Have you actually been to Afghanistan?" the policewoman asked.

"Not yet; I may be deployed there once we finish filming."

"You're actually a US Army service member?" Most Toons simply wore the uniform, and displayed a lack of technical and tactical proficiency in anime.

"The Army is a sponsor; I was born to attract recruits."

Anna smiled; she found her date to be more attractive. "Are you busy tonight?"

"No." Johnny looked down to see Anna's hand over his, and returned the smile.

[Shroom Man 777]

That's cute. And I think it gives Johnny and the Toons a little depth. In that they're not...really REAL people. If Bad Anime goes to the route of SRS BSNSS, we might end up with a mind-fucky exploration of What Is Real, with touching soliloquies and drama and emotion and much kickassery! And the discovery of what it means to be human.

Mang.

[Sidewinder]

Thanks for the reply, but what's SRS BSNSS?

[Shroom Man 777]

Serious Business.

Nadeshiko is quite...a helpless poor widdle character, I know that's playing with stereotypes and I love it (Ehhh?! Okay). But in our Hippothetecle Bad Anime SRS BSNSS, maybe as Johnny or whatever fights to discover What He Truly Is, along with the other Toons, he also empowers helpless Nadeshiko as the Toons together find a greater Purpose to their existence beyond being mere false-human creations born to entertain real people!

Sort of like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show.

EDIT:

This Serious Business would then simultaneously be a heart-touching tale of what it means to be human AND a parody of stuff like Evangelion and Gainax Endings

[Sidewinder]

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Aizhan and the Fallschirmjäger laughed as they knocked their beer steins against each other; drops of beer fell onto the table as they toasted their performance today.

Stephen drained his stein and then extended his arm. "Keep the beer coming, honey!" he called to a waitress wearing traditional Bavarian clothing, who collected the empty steins, left, and returned with a tray of full ones. More laughter filled the beer hall occupying the top floor of a hotel, as a Fallschirmjäger told a joke...

Silence. Stephen sensed something was wrong, and turned to the door. Nine male Toons wearing the black uniforms of the Schutzstaffel (SS), Adolf Hitler's Protective Echelon, marched into the beer hall; three female Toons wearing dog collars, the leashes in the SS officers' hands, followed them.

Aizhan stood up and approached a Toon with the rank of Standartenführer, a SS regiment leader, equivalent to an army colonel. "Leave. Nazis are not welcome here."

The Standartenführer frowned at Aizhan. "You must honor and respect your superiors, Fräulein." The tsundere girl grabbed his throat, lifted the Standartenführer off his feet, and threw him at a window, shattering it. "Ahhhh!"

The SS officers ran to the broken window and looked down. "Standartenführer Doktor Psycho!"

Aizhan grabbed the Obersturmbannführer, a SS senior assault unit leader, equivalent to an army lieutenant colonel. The tsundere girl's arm extended to hold the Obersturmbannführer outside the window, 19 floors above ground; she ignored the other SS officers as they drew Luger P08 semiautomatic pistols and aimed the weapons at her. "You may walk out the door, or you may fall out the window. Choose."

"You will be punished for--" The Obersturmbannführer watched the ground rush towards him. "Ahhhh!"

"Bitch!" The other SS officers squeezed the triggers, only to feel strong hands pull the pistols out of theirs.

"Ahhhh!" an SS officer screamed as he was literally disarmed.

"Ah!" "Ow!"

The disarmed SS officer watched the Fallschirmjäger slam his comrades' heads against the floor, ceiling, or a wall, knocking them unconscious. The US Army serviceman was counting money-- the SS officers' money, taken from their wallets-- before handing the bills to the beer hall manager. The disarmed SS officer turned to see Aizhan, holding his severed arm, remove the Luger P08 from his hand and unload the pistol. "This is not over."

"Oh?" The tsundere girl heard mechanical noises, and turned to the broken window. Tentacles-- tipped with clamps for groping breasts, electrodes for stimulating a woman's nipples and clitoris, hypodermic needles for injecting drugs, hoses for administering enemas, and vibrators-- lifted the Standartenführer, his pants torn off to reveal that his lower body was mechanical, back into the beer hall.

Standartenführer Doktor Psycho's ten tentacles flailed. "Now you shall learn the true meaning of pain... you shall be stimulated until it becomes pleasure... you shall..." The cyborg saw the tsundere girl smile; the smile became a snarl as she transformed. "Scheisse!"

[Shroom Man 777]

Now you shall learn the true meaning of pain...you shall be stimulated until it becomes pleasure...you shall...Shit!

That's ingenious! Everything is better with Nazis, even hentai tentacle-rape! I can't believe no one's ever concocted Nazi Hentai Tentacle RAEP before!

[Sidewinder]

I can't believe no one's ever concocted Nazi Hentai Tentacle RAEP before!

Someone has: Maeda Toshio, creator of Urotsukidoji.

[Sidewinder]

Balthild sat in front of Linda, sipping a mixture of blood and red wine. Amelie, the blonde, stood behind her mistress, massaging the dhampire's shoulders. Kalila, the Moor, knelt on the floor, her arms encircling her mistress' waist as her head rested upon the dhampire's lap.

Linda felt Balthild's eyes, burning with lust, upon her as she sipped champagne. She turned to Amelie. "Were you jealous when your mistress asked me out on a date?"

"Infinite love flows from Her Royal Highness' heart, promising infinite pleasure and eternal bliss to those who are worthy; she deserves infinite love, pleasure, and eternal bliss as well," the blonde answered.

"We are happy that you agreed to add your love to ours," the Moor added.

"I'm not in love with Miss Merovingian, I'm just," the redhead blushed, "curious."

"You too will learn to love and be loved by Her Royal Highness," Amelie and Kalila said.

"Ahhhh!"

Linda turned to see the dismembered Standartenführer fly by the window to Balthild's room. "That's the third flying Nazi I saw tonight."

"Beer has revealed the werewolves as the savages they are," Balthild said as the Standartenführer's severed tentacles fly by the window.

"Should we stop them?"

"I see no reason to intervene in the Nazis' favor." The dhampire picked up the champagne bottle. "More champagne?"

The redhead extended her right hand, which held her champagne flute. "Yes, please."

*

Stephen staggered as he approached his apartment. "Are you gonna be okay by yourself?" he asked with half-closed eyes.

Aizhan was apparently unaffected by the beer she drank. "I can defend myself."

The military advisor fumbled with his keys. "You want some coffee before you go home?" He opened the door. "Come in. Coffee will help you find your way back."

The tsundere girl frowned. "Are you soliciting sex from me?"

Stephen smiled. "I'm just trying to be nice." He felt an arm encircle his waist before he was lifted off his feet. "Hey!"

Aizhan carried Stephen into the apartment, closed the door, and locked it. "Adrenaline still flows in my blood, preparing me for a battle that already ended." She carried the military advisor to the bed. "I will fuck you until the adrenaline is spent, ja?"

"Jawohl!" Stephen's eyes widened Aizhan took off her clothes. 'Cherry-red nipples! Hot!'

[Shroom Man 777]

WOAH! Now THAT is something unexpected. And awesome.

[Sidewinder]

WOAH! Now THAT is something unexpected. And awesome.

Thanks. Any other characters whose sex lives you want to explore? (Note: I'm trying to keep the story PG-13, so it can't be too graphic.)

[Shroom Man 777]

Well, aside from Johnny and Aizhan, there's Nadeshiko but she's too...pure and stuff.

There's Bathild and her harems, but...ehh. We don't really NEED to see that.

There's Beherit. Maybe you could do something silly and have him go to a place like Club Vandersexxx in Eurotrip. Like, have him enjoy being strapped to a contraption and get sodomized by a three-pronged laser-sighted machine. That's silly.

There's the sexaroids! YAY BOOBIES!

[Sidewinder]

I added a scene to the previous post, exploring Linda's... you know. Feel free to reply if you think it can be improved.
-----

The MKX stopped in the parking lot behind the hangar. "I'm going to get a cola." Aizhan turned to her passenger. "Thanks for last night."

"You're welcome." Stephen winced as he exited the CUV; the tsundere girl bruised his hips and thighs last night. "By the way, how do you control your hair?"

"What do you mean?" Aizhan asked, stopping in front of the door.

"Your human form has no hair down there, but you transform when you come, and your fur ends up tickling me; the fur disappears afterwards. How do you do that?"

"I'm a Toon; that should answer your question." The tsundere girl marched through the door.

'I need coffee to think this over.' Stephen heard an engine roar, and turned to see the F-150 FX4 park beside the MKX; he noticed Johnny's smile as the warrant officer, still wearing the business suit, exited the truck. The military advisor smirked. "You got laid, didn't you?"

"I enjoyed a well-cooked dinner with Anna last night."

"And the rest of the night?"

"That's between her and I." Johnny marched into the locker room and changed into his flight suit; then he marched to the break room.

Stephen limped after Johnny. "Getting coffee?" The military advisor smirked as he grabbed a cup. "She kept you up all night, eh?"

"Quiet, please." The warrant officer drank from his cup as he exited the break room.

Stephen followed Johnny to the hangar. "So she's a screamer?"

"In Wotan's name, who is this?!"

The military advisor turned to the sound, which apparently came from the studio.

"Aizhan can take care of herself," the warrant officer assured as he approached ULTRA One.

"Group, attention!" Lara turned around and saluted.

"As you were."

The Latina watched the warrant officer examine the gray robot. "You seem... glowing, Sir. Did you get laid?"

"Focus on your duties, Sergeant."

"What, you're not going to boast, 'I knocked boots with a hot female!' like a regular guy?" Stephen asked.

"That violates a woman's privacy; a woman gets upset when a man does that," Johnny stated.

Sugar eavesdropped on the conversation, and turned towards Nadeshiko as the girl and the silver-haired sexaroid approached ULTRA Zero. "Mister Tsurugi's mental and physical health was evidently improved by sexual intercourse. Are you certain you do not want to have sex with me, Mistress Nadeshiko?"

Nadeshiko blushed. "Yes, I'm certain." She entered the ULTRA cockpit, followed by Sugar.

*

Aizhan stared at a 17-year-old woman of Chinese descent, who resembled Aimei. Red ribbons braided the other woman's black hair around the sides of her head, making it seem as if she wore two nautilus shells; her green eyes resembled two jade beads. The woman wore a qipao with butterflies embroidered on it. A jian hung from her left hip.

The woman looked down, too shy to look into the tsundere girl's eyes. Two arms encircled the woman's waist, pulling her towards the dhampire standing behind her. "Ah!"

Balthild smiled as her wings framed the woman's body. "She is Ai Huamei, a beauty with whom I will share my love." Her lips closed upon the woman's earlobe.

"Your Highness..." Huamei felt her mistress' left hand slide below her waist. "Ah!"

"Is your harem too small?" the tsundere girl asked.

"My heart is not so small that I am only able to love one person in this life," the dhampire answered.

"Since you refuse to become deredere, I designed Huamei to replace you as a moe character," the character designer explained.

Aizhan put her hand under Huamei's chin, making the woman look into her eyes. "You don't need to be deredere to be a moe character."

"I live to love," Huamei felt her mistress' right hand over her heart, "Ah! And be loved by my mistress."

"Sigh." The tsundere girl turned to a vending machine. "I'm getting a cola. Do you lovers want anything?"

Balthild's left arm extended to hand Aizhan some coins. "Iced tea, please."

The tsundere girl counted the coins. "For you both?"

Huamei felt her mistress' fangs upon her neck. "Ah! Yes! Please!"

"I'll have an iced coffee." The character designer shivered when Aizhan frowned, a look that promised serious injury or death. "Never mind."

[Sidewinder]

Writer's block has finally lifted for 'Bad Anime'. Before I post a new chapter, I should note some changes I made to the story.

The Permanent Peacekeeping Force has been renamed the Enduring Peacekeeping Force; as Abraham notes in the revised chapter 1, the PPF is an acronym shared with the Parti Populaire Français, a French fascist party that helped the Gestapo round up Jews for deportation to concentration camps.

The ULTRAs and BAAL now use turbojet-rocket hybrid engines, or turborockets. ULTRA One is now gray with black tiger stripes; Johnny's flight suit is recolored to match it.

Johnny, Aizhan, and Sugar now drive hybrid vehicles (Sugar has a Ford Fusion Hybrid).

And now...
-----
Edited 27NOV2008: Don't worry, I'm not deleting the scene where Johnny tells the character designer he... disagrees... with Nadeshiko's new costume, I'm just moving it to the next chapter.

Anyways, I've posted revised chapters 1-6 on my MediaMiner account. Chapter 7 originally opened with the Toons discussing changes planned for 'Frozen Ragnarok' season 2; I've decided to renumber it as chapter 8, and write a new chapter 7 to depict the season 1 finale.

Put on a condom on your mind before I fuck it to hell and back.

[Shroom Man 777]

Glad to see this back online! Man, Johnny, you're the star of this show - an awesome subversion! The sane and smart character, for once, being in the lead instead of the Shinjis and the other morons and shitpieces.

Johnny's cool. He's, like, genre blind, but he's also... well, smart and practical that he doesn't need genre knowledge.


BTW, what is wrong with sharing an acronym with a French fascist party that helped the Gestapo round up Jews for deportation to concentration camps?