Gnome Hunter the Fourth: State Fair Second Edition.
Iowa State FAIIIIRRRRR
Denryle: These Iowans are a fascinating species, I defy you Zaia, to find any other place on the planet where you can find such an assortment of odd farming related exhibits! Tell me what do you think of those animals we aw back in those large red wooden structures...
Zaia: You mean the barns? I think we'd better not talk about it.
Innerbrat: Filthy disgusting!
Denryle: Bad experience?
Zaia: One of the farmers, offered to show her how to milk a cow...
Denryle: Hey that sounds like fun!
Zaia: but they saw she wasn't American from her accent, and well, lets just say that cow wasn't a cow.
Denryle: A cow that wasn't a cow....you mean?
Innerbrat: IT WAS A BLOODY BULL! OKAY? I MILKED A BLoODY BULL!
Zaia: Yes Sweeitie I know but..uh oh...where's Duchess...?
Denryle: Come to think of it I haven't seen the black mages anywhere either.
Zaia: This could be very bad, I knew this was a bad Idea though, The vindication cancels that out.
State Fair Loudspeaker: HELLO IOWANS! WELCOME TO THE IOWA STATE FAIR! TODAY IS YOUR FIRST CHANCE TO MEET THE 2003 IOWA PORK QUEEN, OVER BY THE BUTTER COW!
Denryle: WEll how about that, two birds with one stone.
MiTh: Too bad Minister of Sin, but the butter cow will be OURS!
Rye: Long time no see, only this time you don't hve your Grand Master of Styles to back you up!
Rogue Ice: By Order of his most Behemoth one, the Cow of Butter shall be GOMES FOR THE TAKING!
Denryle: Rogue Ice! The GNomish Grand Vizier! I thought you were too cowrdly to fight!
Rogue Ice: Trust me, I don't want to be here Either. But I do have one nifty weapon that will keep you occupied. (Fires a blast from a weird looking crystal at Denryle)
Denryle: (bgins powering up a magic blast) Whatever you have, It won't be enough! (blast fizzles) What in the seven hells of...
Rogue Ice: ANTI MAGIC FIELD!!!!!! That's right. Rye, MiTh, take care of the Amazons.
*MiTh charges towards Zaia with a flying roundhouse kick, which Zaia ducks and counters with a leg sweep MiTh Does a SHoulder kip and is right back up.
Rye and Innerbrat Begin trading punches, A crowd of people begin to descend on the area wondering what is going on.*
Iowa Farmboy: LOOK! Those people are beating up on those Midgets!
State Fair Gestapo #1: We've got a code blue here, Midget Abuse.
(The State Fair Gestap Ambushes Innerbrat and Zaia, restraining them and hauling thme off to a nearby security building.)
Zaia: This is SO not my preferred use for handcuffs.
Innerbrat: Damn Wankers! you're letting the bad people get away!
State Fair Gestapo #1: Haul that glowing freaky lookin caped guy away too, he could be a foreigner from Illinois.
Denryle: Illinois? I know a guy from Illinois and they definitely do not look like me.
State Fair gestapo #2: Hmmm, this could be a matter for homeland security, better check him.
Denryle: And to think I admired your simple and easy going species! THE IOWANS ARE FASCISTS! WE SHALL OVERCOOOOOME! WE SHALL OVER COOOOOOOMME! ATTICA ATTICA!
Rye: Excellent, now onto the butter cow.
MiTh: Grand Vizier, the Redshirt Soldiers have finished their tunnel preparations and all they need to do is break trhough to the surface.
Rogue Ice: Excellent. Soon we will be triumphant.
the Butter Cow!
Duchess: Its....beautiful. It's as if Angels descended from Utopia, churned their own Angelic Milk into a creamy concoction of pure unadulterated joy, (weeps tears of happiness)
Cyran: She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. It's as if an Angel decided to lend her name and appearance to the delicious goodness of the other white meat(pork!),
Duchess and Cyran: *sighs and Swooning* I am finally happpy...
THe Black Mages led by Kuja,
Nitram: We're lost aren't we.
Kuja: Well umm, yeah.
Tevar: You got us lost at the iowa State Fair! You know what that means?
Kuja: ummmm, no.
Tevar: It means that we can skip the finding Cyran mission, and GO ON THE CARNIVAL RIDES!
Nitram and Kuja: YAAAAAAAAAY! What's the worst that could happen, Cyran gets rejected, whoop de do!
Back to the Butter Cow!
Pork Queen: Hey cutie what's your name?
Cyran: I ahhh I aahh hahahhahah I ummmm Its,...
Pork Queen: Awww, you're sweet.
Cyran: (begins bleeding profusely from the nose) EEEEEEEEEEEE!
Duchess' inner monologue: (I know that lady from somewhere, Gah! The BUtter Cow, Its not in my line of vision! Ahhhh thats better)
Rye: Hate to break up the party, but the butter cow is going with us!
MiTh: And while we're at it, that pretty lady with the sash would ake an excellent GNOME QUEEN!
Rogue Ice: an excellent idea, using her DNA, we could hyperbreed a new race of Gnomish Females! Our population will boom if his Majesty no longer has to excrete all of the Redshirt Gnomish Soldiers!
Duchess: This cow...THIS COW BELONGS TO NO ONE! it BELONGS TO THE WORLD!
Pork Queen: Oh no!
Cyran: My Love! I will protect you! your little pork prince will defend your honor!
Rogue Ice: ANTI MAGIC FIELD! (zaps Cyran)
Cyran: (without missing a beat, pulls a sawed off shotgun from under his robe) Touch her and die motherfucker!
Rogue Ice: Why aren't you immobilized!
Cyran: ANti Magic fields don't work on firearms, now stand still so I can destroy you!
Rye: Not if i'm in the way. (ooof!)
*Duchess counters with a huge uppercut against rye as she draws a Walther PPK, she plants a boot into his crotch and squeezes off an enture round into his belly, fotunately the Orange Rind of Death From Hell prtects Rye and he is able to knock her aside.
Cyran Begins blasting indiscriminately, scaring off the fair patrons except for the State Fair Gestapo.*
State Fair Gestapo: more Midget Haters! this is an outrage!
Pork Queen: No! They're protecting me, those short fellows want to steal the Butter Cow!
State Fair Gestapo: What? This is sacrilege! The Butter Cow is for the world!
*An army of Gnomish Redshirt soldiers appear from undreground but are viciously attacked by the State Fair Gestapo. the two forces Clash.*
Rogue Ice: Curses! I overestimated our manipulation of the State Fair Gestapo! MiTh, distract the mage while I prepare the cow for transport.
Duchess: Damned! Where are your Mage Allies!
Cyran: WHo knows! Probably on a ferris wheel or something!
at the bumper cars
Kawaii Kuja: Close ENough! HahahhaHaHhAHahhaha, to be honest i'd rather avenge Cyran's death than save his life!
BATTLE OF THE BUTTER COW
*The Duchess of Zeon pulls several Nija Stars from her belt and tosses them at Rye, they stick in the ORnge Rind of Doom from Terror and Rye begisn to leak the acidy juice.
Cyran continues to battle it out with MiTh with ha Tommy Gun, keeping the gnome off of his balance so that he can't fire his heat vision.*
Cyran: Duchess! You aren't going to beat Rye that way! Fanboy discovered that the only way to beat him was by covering him with gasoline and lighting him on fire!
Duchess: (kicks rye in the face and regroups near Cyran) I don't have any gasoline, and you can;t use fire Magic.
Cyran: (looks longingly over at the Ork Queen, who is trapped inside a stand selling Pork Tenderloins) Tenderloins...Pork...Pork Queen.....oh my.....
Duchess: If it helps you think of a plan then fine, otherwise quit swooning and help me kill these Butter Cow theiving assholes.
Cyran: (looks over at a nearby John Deere Tractor, and again at MiTH, who is firing his HEat VIsion into a group of State Fair Gestapo.
Cyran: I got nothing.
Duchess: maybe if the blood flow to your brain hadn't been diverted to your crotch..,hmm...Cyran, you need to buy me some time while I save the butter cow okay?
Cyran: I can't take the on by myself!
Duchess: if you do, I'll get you a date with the Pork Queen.
Cyran: YOu can do that? how?
Duchess: (looks over at the Pork Queen) she owes me a fabvor, NOW GO! (kicks Cyran)
*Cyran, power boosted through testosterone, charges at Rye and absolutely levels him with a kick then turns and jabs MiTh in the ribs with the Mr Stabby. Cyran is practically invincible! He turns towards Rogue Ice, who attempts to sissy slap Cyran, but Cyran coutners with a Bitch Slap of his own that Sends Rogue Ice into a nearby souveneir stand. Covered in Foam Corn and balloon animals, Rogue ice retreated with the help of some REdshirt Gnome Trooper Soldier Guys.
Cyran looks over at the Pork Queen and winks knwingly, before turning to see Rye punch him in the face, knocking him out cold.*
Rye: that was almost amusing.
Duchess: (Holding Bucket full of Gas from Tractor) choke on this Orange boy (douses Rye with the Gas)
Rye: Ack! Bitch! now you have to set me on fire, what are you going to use for that huh?
MiTh: Don't worry Rye, I'll roast her with my heat vision.
Rye: O...wait you better not.
*MiTh fires the heat beam and Duchess leaps out of the way, igniting Rye on fire, MiTh distracted by seeing his comrade in flames is caught unaware by Duchess' kick to the crotch and he vomits all over himself from the pain. All of the gnomes retreat*
Duchess: (looks over at the Butter cow and bows slightly)
Zaia: Duchess! We heard the gunshots , broke out of the State Fair Gestapo Camp when they all left to come and battle, ran all the way over here, stopped real quick for a soda, and then finally got here. What happened?
Duchess: Cyran and I had to fight off a Gnomish army, with a little help from Agent #241
Pork Queen: Zaia!
Zaia: Agent #241 I thought you were dead!
Pork Queen: Nope I just moved to the midwest, this whole Pork Queen angle is part of my ongoing mission to bring civilization to these people.
Innerbrat: Better bloody nuke the whole lot of 'em and start over.
Pork Queen: Hey now, they're a kindly folk that just needs a little civilization and indoor plumbing, thats all. Tell that cute little mage guy tahankyou for me when he wakes up.
DEnryle: Well at least thats all taken care of, but where's Kuja and the other mages?
Nitram: (with two armloads of Tevar's stuffed animal winnings) Hey there they are! (Damnit!)
Tevar: Ok, we ran out of tickets, can we go now?
Kuja: (carrying large armful of Corn Dogs) Hey look, Cyrans all beaten up, Ahahhaahahhahah
at the evil lair of the gnomes that are evil in their evil
DGG: You blew it!
Rogue Ice: We did bring back some souveniers sir?
DGG: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! While you were away one of my more SUCESSFUL gnomes has finished work on athe Gnomish Armored battalion!
Rogue Ice: You don't mean?
DGG: Yes! JODOFORCE! LEader of the Lawn Ornament Specilal Forces! And he has also finished preparations for our battle on the East Coast, we'l wipe out all of our enemies in one swift stroke.
ROgue Ice:
DGG: The Battle of the Butter Cow was merely a fient for JodoForce's group to obtain Ethanol corn based fuel from Iowa without Mage interference. This Ethanol will be refined into the superfuel using the secret ingredients.
Rogue Ice: Okay....
DGG: Hey, whos my buddy!
ROgue Ice: me
DGG: WHo's MY BUDDY?
ROgue Ice: Me!
DGG: That's right....NOW GET BACK TO WORK YOU FAT HUMP!
The Sands of the New Mexican desert
*a hand punhces through the toip layer of sand, a figure begins to claw his way out of his ersatz tomb*
Fanboy: .....That was cool.
THE eND for NOW:
NEXT EPISODE:
THE USergroups are assembled in New York CIty! Bu tthe Gnomes are preparing to launch an attack, this WILL Be WAR!
But Fanboy, the Last Master of Style, is on the other side of the country, will he be able to make it to the East Coast in time in order to help his allies stop the Gnomish threat? Will any of you read this? Does Cyran get any action from the Pork Queen? No He doesn't but Innerbrat does! All this and more, well MOST of ithis and more! On the next episode of GNOME HUNTER!
:lol::lol: I just read Cahps 2-4.. It really started taking off at the end of the third chapter, I think.
